Has your husband ever been dx with adhd? The way you describe him losing things all the time is very typical. My husband has it. He loses various things all the time. Nothing like vehicles! Much of the time things are in the house, but still, it can get crazy.
Main difference is he will admit it, feels embarrassed, and we work as a team to try to prevent it. So if I hand him something that is supposed to go in his wallet I have him take it out, and he puts it in immediately and he doesn't feel threatened by my reminders. I only do that if I don't see him make the move on his own.
He got diagnosed with adhd as an adult but didn't go on medication until about two or three years ago. That has helped with some things.
I learned a lot reading on adult forums and books. He did too. There is way more to the condition than losing things, and not everyone has that issue but many do. To someone without adhd it seems crazy to lose things like wallets, keys, you name it, but learn about it, and you see it differently. My husband has worked hard to break some ingrained bad habits, and learned to find ways to deal with such a devastating issue for an adult to deal with. He's come a longggg way! Maybe get him tested and go from there. He may have taught himself not to care due to feeling deep shame.
I can't help with anything else. Just to offer you some (((hugs))).
I've often thought he is ADHD. I've never said it to him though. He is so hyper critical about these things I just know it would end up him seeing me as "psychoanalyzing" him. Even if I say it nicely, respectfully, and let him know I care about him and want this to get better. He simply refuses to say he has any problem at all. This is why I think he also has a personality disorder.
I would give anything to get to a functional place like you and your husband. I'd have no problem at all helping him remember things. When I do that now he sees it as an attack and resents me for it. So I don't.
It's other things too. About 6 months ago we had a scary issue here at our home. We have a large second -story deck on one side, and he used to park his truck near the deck because it is close access to the lower entrance to the house. The deck has no access to the ground level, you have to come through the house. Well late at night one night suddenly someone was opening the sliding door from the outside second story deck. This thief had climbed up onto Hs truck, shimmied over the deck railing, and was coming in to presumably rob the place. We had regular arguments about the doors being locked up, but he goes out regularly to smoke, so it wasn't at that time. He, of course, at that time in the night (2 am) was right there in the living room playing video games, so he and this guy got into an altercation and he activated our home alarm system. Cops came, took the guy, he was charged, etc.
H was very shaken up. He installed extra locks on the sliding door and windows and stopped parking his truck near the deck. Well tonight when I got home I noticed his truck was parked there again. Came into the house, made lunches, bathed kids etc. Went to go to bed and noticed the sliding door was unlocked. I went to lock it and he said (while playing video games) "I'm going out there in a minute". I said "ok can you lock it up when you're done?" "Of course, I always do, why wouldn't i?" I responded "sorry I'm just nervous with the truck parked there". He rolls his eyes dramatically and says "I'll go move it if it's an issue". Yeah. It's a bit of an issue for me. But I just say "ok, as long as things are locked up I'll feel better". And then he was suddenly angrily accusing me of saying he doesn't protect us. I just said "I am surprised we are not on the same page here. I think we can mitigate risks like this by taking steps to prevent bad things happening. That's all. I'm not saying you can't protect us, just lets lock up to reduce the chance something bad will happen". Then he went off "what if the bad guy brings a ladder or his own truck? You know they can just smash the glass right? Bad things happen."
I just walked away and am now alone, in our bed, flabbergasted that this is my life, while he's out there laughing and chatting with strangers on his head set over some role playing game. Like I'm not even real.
I just am so angry with myself that I've let it get like this. It's a circle of pain and discomfort and sadness and I'm just running it forever, looking for a way out.
I booked our first mc session. He says he booked an IC session. But is there hope for him? I simply can't imagine a possible scenario where this gets better.
I went to my own IC session today. It was sad. And hard. I'm so tired.