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post #31 of 66 (permalink) Old 12-17-2016, 05:37 PM
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It is agonizing reading your description of his mental condition. Does your area allow you to non-voluntary commit him to a mental health facility for evaluation/treatment? My W required this at one time due to a misdiagnosis and incorrect medication for a mental health condition. She was much better 3 days later.

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post #32 of 66 (permalink) Old 12-19-2016, 12:18 PM Thread Starter
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Re: At a loss, need to vent....

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It is agonizing reading your description of his mental condition. Does your area allow you to non-voluntary commit him to a mental health facility for evaluation/treatment? My W required this at one time due to a misdiagnosis and incorrect medication for a mental health condition. She was much better 3 days later.
Involuntary commission is not permitted in my area. Honestly, any time I've mentioned anything like this he accuses me of "psyching" him. He believes he is perfectly fine and normal, and it is me who just is such a negative, miserable person. He says that my life is so good, but because of my personality issues I have to FIND negative things to have a problem with, to assuage my negative nature. He believes I'm not happy unless there are problems. To me this whole argument makes me sound so psychotic. Like only someone who is actually insane would feel those things. I've had myself assessed for personality disorders because of these kinds of accusations. Three years of therapy trying to figure out what is happening in my brain. I've been cleared of all. And honestly, I feel happy a lot of the time. I enjoy it, like most sane people. Even as I'm feeling happy he perceives that I'm upset or sad or mad. I don't know how to control his perceptions of me anymore - he always says "change your body language"....but I'm not doing anything in specific, he just decides I'm mad and then I have to try to convince him I'm not. I'm just so tired of having to be guarded all the time.
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post #33 of 66 (permalink) Old 12-21-2016, 10:03 AM Thread Starter
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Re: At a loss, need to vent....

We had a MC session the other day and I talked about a lot of these things. Yesterday he made the effort to wake up at 6:30, help get the kids out the door, and then we went off to work. TOGETHER. Afterwards we came home together, and he helped me get the house ready and prep dinner, as his parents were coming. I was in a state of partial shock all the while. After his parents left I told him that it meant so much to me to have him on my team all day - I told him I really appreciated all of his effort and help, and that he made time to be home with us in the evening instead of at work. It made me feel like he cared about me and it mattered to him that I had so much to do. I told him it felt so great to not feel alone. We spent some time talking about us, and he told me that he was going to try harder to save us. He came to bed at 11:30 (about 30 mins after me), and we cuddled. I'm hopeful that this is a sign of willingness to change, but time will tell. I won't hold my breath after only one day. But it felt so very good.
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post #34 of 66 (permalink) Old 12-21-2016, 11:14 AM
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Re: At a loss, need to vent....

While its nice that he made the effort, it isn't going to hold up. He will be back to himself before the weekend is up. He has serious issues, on top of his passive aggressive personality. People like this don't change. At least you had a good day.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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post #35 of 66 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 12:49 AM
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Re: At a loss, need to vent....

@pygmalioneffect

Could you please check your threads and see if the posts that you say are missing are back?

The admins say that they fixed it. I'm not sure.

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post #36 of 66 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 01:54 AM Thread Starter
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Quote:
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@pygmalioneffect

Could you please check your threads and see if the posts that you say are missing are back?

The admins say that they fixed it. I'm not sure.
Hi Elegirl! Nope - this thread was several more pages long than it is now, beginning with my big, long, massive outline of many things occurring in my marriage over many years, as well as mine and my husbands backgrounds and some childhood stuff that I think has impacted us. Not sure where it all went. I'd sure like to be able to see it though, at least as a reference point someday. If nothing else it will probably help me in IC.

Thanks for your help!!
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post #37 of 66 (permalink) Old 06-08-2017, 02:39 PM Thread Starter
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@pygmalioneffect

Could you please check your threads and see if the posts that you say are missing are back?

The admins say that they fixed it. I'm not sure.
The thread is back!! Wow. It's actually interesting reading it back now. And sad.

I'm currently working on my exit plan. Things are taking a while, we have a complex scenario with the business and our properties and things. Plus it's busy season at work, it is tough to fill my position and train someone right now. It may be fall before things are completely hashed out and I can move.

At this point I have no idea where his head is at. I've struggled for so long with not being valued by him, I've nearly completely stopped communicating with him at all. Every single sentence and word I say is misconstrued and it's so exhausting having to re hash and defend my every word for hours after I say it. So I try to say nothing.

I have not told H I am leaving for sure. We had that discussion 6 months ago requiring IC and MC. Neither happened. I tried to work through MB with him. I did MB as well as I could alone. He said "if I have to read a bunch of psychology-babble to be with you, then too bad". I guess I'm just not worth it. So. It's June and I called my lawyer. He didn't do what I needed.

When originally trying MB in march I was asking him what he needs to be happy. He said "I just want to be loved and happy". "Right, but how can I make that happen on my end - what can I do?" "Just stop being so miserable". So I tried to explain I'm feeling negatively because of our relationships "status" and I need that to be addressed in order for my feelings to improve. He says "well I can't be responsible for your happiness". Ok. So I have to be responsible for BOTH of our happiness alone.

It's just constant talking in circles. Adamant refusal that any thing he has ever done has impacted how we got here. Plain ambivalence when asked to alter certain behaviours that hurt me. Consistent insistence that he's a fabulous husband and I should be happy for what I have.

the last few times we sat down to try MB work we discussed items at hand and things would come up that I had worked on in IC. If I even mentioned that "in therapy I learned (xyz) about myself" in relation to that thing, he'd lose it. He'd say "I'm so sick of hearing about your "therapy". It's an intentional jab to punish me for not going to IC". No. it was actually me trying to say "this is what I've learned about myself, and I'm giving that info to you too, as my spouse".

In IC I learned that I really desire to be in a relationship with a partner who needs and wants me. Not someone who just keeps me around for convenience. I desperately loved and needed him. He didn't feel the same way. It felt so unequal and took a toll on my self confidence - my own husband doesn't want or need me. When I say "what are your feelings of we separate?" He says "well our business is down the toilet. And I feel bad for the kids". And for me it's "my heart feels ripped to shreds because I so deeply and fully loved you. I don't know how to BE in the world without you. I don't know who I am without you." I discovered in IC that I loved and needed my husband and he could take or leave me. I Am a convenience for him, I am just there or not there. No feelings. No wanting. No powerful sadness that I'm gone.

Last night while I was racing around the house getting chores down after I got home from kids activities at 9:30 pm, he said "I'm going for a plate of wings". I said "ok have fun". He goes every week. I always say that. He said "ok well I guess not then". I was confused. "Why?" I said. "Well you're obviously mad about it". "Um, no, I don't care if you go or don't". "Well you're folding the laundry all fast like you're mad"......omg. I said "no. I'm folding the laundry all fast so I can get all my chores done before I get to finally collapse into bed. Has nothing to do with you". So he stormed out. Then, 45 mins later my daughter was out of bed saying she couldn't find her iPod earlier and could I do a find iPhone. So I pulled up my find my iPhone app, and his iTunes account was logged in - he had used my phone a few days earlier to locate his (as usual) lost phone. So when I opened the app it showed him at a house several blocks from ours. Not at his usual pub where he goes for wings. I immediately felt guilty I had unintentionally spied on him. But I couldn't shake feeling so awful. Where was he; what was he up to, etc. I couldn't sleep. He got home at 3 am and I didn't want to say anything and cause a fight. This morning I asked him where he went for wings. He said the pub. so I told him what happened and he flew off the handle that I don't trust him and he was at the pub all night, blah blah blah. I tried to say "if the roles were reversed you wouldn't feel even a twinge of what I'm feeling?" He says "no absolutely not. I'd never spy on you and I trust you." Since then, all day today he's treated me terribly. He called me out in front of a bunch of our staff and shot down a decision I had made last week. He made me look like an idiot. I pulled him aside and told him how he made me feel and he said I'm just fabricating these things to justify my bad behaviour. It's just so dysfunctional. I can't handle it any more.

I'm trapped in the house till fall for sure. It's torture. And I'm still so sad for my kids. I hope we can be the best possible for them. I doubt my h will be capable of this.
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post #38 of 66 (permalink) Old 06-08-2017, 09:31 PM
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Re: At a loss, need to vent....

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Last night while I was racing around the house getting chores down after I got home from kids activities at 9:30 pm, he said "I'm going for a plate of wings". I said "ok have fun". He goes every week. I always say that. He said "ok well I guess not then". I was confused. "Why?" I said. "Well you're obviously mad about it". "Um, no, I don't care if you go or don't". "Well you're folding the laundry all fast like you're mad"......omg. I said "no. I'm folding the laundry all fast so I can get all my chores done before I get to finally collapse into bed. Has nothing to do with you". So he stormed out. Then, 45 mins later my daughter was out of bed saying she couldn't find her iPod earlier and could I do a find iPhone. So I pulled up my find my iPhone app, and his iTunes account was logged in - he had used my phone a few days earlier to locate his (as usual) lost phone. So when I opened the app it showed him at a house several blocks from ours. Not at his usual pub where he goes for wings. I immediately felt guilty I had unintentionally spied on him. But I couldn't shake feeling so awful. Where was he; what was he up to, etc. I couldn't sleep. He got home at 3 am and I didn't want to say anything and cause a fight. This morning I asked him where he went for wings. He said the pub. so I told him what happened and he flew off the handle that I don't trust him and he was at the pub all night, blah blah blah. I tried to say "if the roles were reversed you wouldn't feel even a twinge of what I'm feeling?" He says "no absolutely not. I'd never spy on you and I trust you." Since then, all day today he's treated me terribly. He called me out in front of a bunch of our staff and shot down a decision I had made last week. He made me look like an idiot. I pulled him aside and told him how he made me feel and he said I'm just fabricating these things to justify my bad behaviour. It's just so dysfunctional. I can't handle it any more.

I'm trapped in the house till fall for sure. It's torture. And I'm still so sad for my kids. I hope we can be the best possible for them. I doubt my h will be capable of this.
So did you go check out who's house he was at? Or was it someone you already know? With his rotten behavior, it would not surprise me to find out he is cheating.

I'm sorry things have gone this way for you. He is making it very clear that you and the marriage are not a priority for him, and thats just so sad. I am like you, as far as needing a partner who needs and wants me, so I completely relate to how you are feeling. I never wanted to have a partner who I just live along side, and sadly I have not found him yet. If I were you, I would just quietly work toward my exit, then let him know once you are close to being out. I wish you the best.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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post #39 of 66 (permalink) Old 06-08-2017, 10:13 PM Thread Starter
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[QUOTE=3Xnocharm

So did you go check out who's house he was at? Or was it someone you already know? With his rotten behavior, it would not surprise me to find out he is cheating.

I'm sorry things have gone this way for you. He is making it very clear that you and the marriage are not a priority for him, and thats just so sad. I am like you, as far as needing a partner who needs and wants me, so I completely relate to how you are feeling. I never wanted to have a partner who I just live along side, and sadly I have not found him yet. If I were you, I would just quietly work toward my exit, then let him know once you are close to being out. I wish you the best.[/QUOTE]

Is it sad that I don't really care? Its not a house I know or recognize. He insists he wasn't there, that it must have been off by 35 blocks from where he claims he really was. But I just.....don't care. I don't care who it is. I don't care. The only thing I care about is that he is willing to do that to me. Deal breaker all the way. No other details required.

I'm 30. I deserve love with someone who actually wants me. I deserve to feel alive and have a partner and live a life that's not just filled with feeling awful about myself and the life I'm leading. I'm actually pretty awesome...outside of this relationship I feel like myself. When we are near each other, if I'm at home, I just feel stifled and chained and imprisoned. Outside of here I am strong and assertive and fun and joyful. I am valuable. I am lovable.
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post #40 of 66 (permalink) Old 06-08-2017, 11:38 PM
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Re: At a loss, need to vent....

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Is it sad that I don't really care? Its not a house I know or recognize. He insists he wasn't there, that it must have been off by 35 blocks from where he claims he really was. But I just.....don't care. I don't care who it is. I don't care. The only thing I care about is that he is willing to do that to me. Deal breaker all the way. No other details required.

I'm 30. I deserve love with someone who actually wants me. I deserve to feel alive and have a partner and live a life that's not just filled with feeling awful about myself and the life I'm leading. I'm actually pretty awesome...outside of this relationship I feel like myself. When we are near each other, if I'm at home, I just feel stifled and chained and imprisoned. Outside of here I am strong and assertive and fun and joyful. I am valuable. I am lovable.
I went back through and re-read this thread. I clearly remember when you were posting, and felt the same exhaustion and exasperation reading it again. If it taxes ME mentally to read what you are dealing with, I can only imagine what it must be like in real life. I understand when you say you just dont care where he was. It bothers me that he lies about it, you dont deserve to be lied to. And WOW I didnt realize you were this young! You absolutely need to get out of this and go find your happy.


Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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