At a loss, need to vent.... - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 36 (permalink) Old 11-28-2016, 07:39 PM Thread Starter
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Re: At a loss, need to vent....

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Sexual abuse? Does your husband know all about this?
Yes. I told him while we were still just dating, when I was 18. Our experiences are very different. My situation happened one time, I told both of my parents right after, who were immensely protective and supportive, who involved police and authorities immediately (though my dad would have preferred to just take him to the woods with a gun and a shovel). My cousin was charged, I attended therapy and counselling immediately afterwards, including sessions with AND without my parents. I was 13. My cousin was 18. He forced me to perform oral sex on him, while my other cousin (15) held me down/watched.

Traumatizing. Impacted me in a lot of ways. But so thankful for my parents and their unwavering support. I've wondered, since I found out about H's experience, if he thought I'd be damaged like him, so we'd be a good pair. Maybe that's reaching.

Regardless, I've always been open about it.

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post #2 of 36 (permalink) Old 11-28-2016, 08:17 PM
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Re: At a loss, need to vent....

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Thanks so much for your perspective. It helps. Though, I'll admit this makes me quite sad. To know there's just really nothing we can do, that our personalities are just un-changeable and un-matchable. I've considered separation many, many times - I just made up a fresh job resume this morning. I hate the thought of it. Mostly, of course, for its impact on my kids. They will be heart broken. I would love for them to have a happy family unit that was nurturing and whole. I hate that they won't get that. I also hate that H will make it my fault. They will blame me, think I did this to us alone. But is that worse than them thinking this is how relationships are supposed to be? I want to give my kids everything I can - this feels like taking things away.


Do your friends and (both) families know what he is like, what he is doing, what he says? Do they know he is refusing sex with you, that he stays up all night playing video games then sleeps through while you get the kids up and out to school? Do they know he says he is going to make you so miserable that you leave so he doesn't look like the bad guy? You need to let EVERYONE know so you can't be blamed for ending the marriage. People need to know what a miserable failure as a husband he is so you don't get blamed for "blindsiding" him and maybe even accused of having an affair. Let them know you have gone to counseling to try and make things better but your husband steadfastly refuses.

You want the most shark-like attorney you can find. Speak to the clerks in the family law court as well as the people who work in domestic violence shelters to get the names of some really good, shark-like attorneys. Then, go speak with each and every one of them - initial consultation is usually free -mentioning something specific about your marriage. This will prevent them from representing your husband.

Get all your important documents - your and your kids' birth certificates and social security cards, your marriage license- and store them in a place where your husband can't get them. Make copies of previous tax returns in case your H tries to claim poor. Copy his birth certificate and social security card but leave the originals for him.

Get your ducks in a row so when you speak with the attorney, you don't waste his/her, or your, time. Find out your rights and responsibilities. While the business you and H operate came to him via an inheritance, he co-mingled those funds with marital funds now making it available to marital division.

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post #3 of 36 (permalink) Old 11-28-2016, 08:26 PM Thread Starter
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Re: At a loss, need to vent....

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Do your friends and (both) families know what he is like, what he is doing, what he says? Do they know he is refusing sex with you, that he stays up all night playing video games then sleeps through while you get the kids up and out to school? Do they know he says he is going to make you so miserable that you leave so he doesn't look like the bad guy? You need to let EVERYONE know so you can't be blamed for ending the marriage. People need to know what a miserable failure as a husband he is so you don't get blamed for "blindsiding" him and maybe even accused of having an affair. Let them know you have gone to counseling to try and make things better but your husband steadfastly refuses.

You want the most shark-like attorney you can find. Speak to the clerks in the family law court as well as the people who work in domestic violence shelters to get the names of some really good, shark-like attorneys. Then, go speak with each and every one of them - initial consultation is usually free -mentioning something specific about your marriage. This will prevent them from representing your husband.

Get all your important documents - your and your kids' birth certificates and social security cards, your marriage license- and store them in a place where your husband can't get them. Make copies of previous tax returns in case your H tries to claim poor. Copy his birth certificate and social security card but leave the originals for him.

Get your ducks in a row so when you speak with the attorney, you don't waste his/her, or your, time. Find out your rights and responsibilities. While the business you and H operate came to him via an inheritance, he co-mingled those funds with marital funds now making it available to marital division.

IamSomebody

Tons of great info here - thank you.

NO - others do NOT know about his opinions, the things he says, that we are struggling. He talks to no one, and I really have always hated the thought of running him down to my family and close friends. I don't know if that's protecting him or what, but I haven't said anything to anyone. I don't even know how I would start talking about these things....

I will get all the documentation in order this week.

The business was left to both of us - his grandfather split the shares evenly between us. So, he can buy me out of my shares, so he retains his business. Plus we own a couple of rental properties, as well as a vacation home. I'd like to just sell everything and split it. But we will see. None of this can happen unless I line up a job and a place to live (our home is on the business property - I really don't want to stay here). I will begin the attorney search...
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post #4 of 36 (permalink) Old 11-28-2016, 11:22 PM Thread Starter
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Re: At a loss, need to vent....

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Again, NOT normal. This isn't forgetting where your hairbrush is, or occasionally neglecting something on the stovetop and having it boil over; any well-adjusted adult would take precautions to prevent losing such important and costly items.

It's only explainable if he has some type of organic brain disease or injury. Is there a history of early onset dementia in his family? Has he ever had a head injury; recently, or in the past?

I think he's having a type of emotional breakdown.




Yeah, it's not possible for him to brush this off or forget it; though, of course he will say that he can. "it's fine, it's in the past, it's over" is classic denialspeak.

Denial is good to an extent. Its function is to allow you to survive the horror of a situation in which you are powerless.

But it's only supposed to get you through for a short period of time. Eventually, sooner is better than later, you have to admit to yourself that what happened, happened; and that you are dam.n. furious about it.

Having his dad fink on him is tragic, just awful. You know of course, that at a deeper, subconscious level; your husband thinks that he is guilty of something that caused the molestation. All victims of abuse think this. But, if a loving parent is able to validate them, and advocate on their behalf----what an aid to healing and recovery.

Being abandoned by your parents in such a situation will cause additional, profound feelings of worthlessness.



You may have to threaten divorce. How long can you be married to someone who, really, in a sense, is losing his marbles? You can't be both adults in the relationship.

If you threaten divorce; you have to mean it though. No bluffing.

Have you told him that you think he is in denial about what his stepbrother did to him? That this will never, ever "go away" [if only it would] Before divorce, you should have a very frank, gut-level discussion with him about this.





I'm guessing he's having some real issues with his sexuality. The psyche cannot bear what your husband has had to carry. At some point, a breakdown is inevitable if the pain, and it's cause are not remembered and confronted.

The more I type, the worse I feel for him. But I feel just as bad for you. You are carrying way too much responsibility for him; and going without sexual affection.

I get the feeling that you are in Britain? Does this group sound helpful?

https://www.havoca.org/
No brain injuries or history of disease in his family that I'm aware of. And this is not new behavior - he has always been this way.

Threatening divorce on someone that seems so broken feels so terrible. Like I'm abandoning him too.

I have told him I think he is in denial about the abuse - he gets mad and tells me to stop talking about it - he's put it in the past, why can't I?

I desperately love him. But this is tearing me apart too.
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post #5 of 36 (permalink) Old 11-28-2016, 11:58 PM
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Re: At a loss, need to vent....

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The molestation is obviously a major issue - he had no adults to advocate for him. His mom and sister had been long gone at that point, and his Dad was blinded by his new wife. When my H finally outright accused his step brother she flipped and claimed H was lying and a sensationalist. The abuse continued for a few more YEARS afterwards. His dad is also so incredibly bizarre. I can't BELIEVE he never stood up once and protected his own son from that crazy abusive woman and her kid. I feel immense pain for him in this area. He brushes it off - it's fine, it's in the past, it's over, I don't hold grudges, etc. etc. I can't relate at all. I'd give ANYTHING for him to get to a therapist. I've begged, pleaded, demanded. And here we are. The only thing I HAVEN'T done is threaten divorce if he doesn't go, and as you can tell, that's next for me. I don't know what else to try.
I think there's a big truth in here. He has learned an ingrained habit to let nothing, and I mean NOTHING, bother him. He avoids, he lies, he distracts, he blameshifts, anything but face things that bother him. So yes, losing all his stuff on a regular basis doesn't bother him. Your pain doesn't bother him. You and your children waking down the side of the highway in the cold doesn't bother him. If he denies his true feelings, he doesn't have to deal with them. Escaping into video games and throwing himself into work helps the avoidance. Talking to you does not. Admitting he was wrong about something would bother him, so he doesn't do it.

The only way things will change is if HE wants them to, and it's going to take mighty hard work on his part. Personality is fairly immutable once in adulthood.

I recommend separation and divorce. You just don't want your children to grow up thinking this is a good way to live their lives. He may start out wanting 50-50, and maybe that's what he needs as incentive to change. More likely, he'll let you take them more and more and more, OR he'll find them a step-mom to take over the parenting.

This stuff about making YOU be the bad guy by initiating divorce, by insisting he'd take the kids as much as he can, that is very likely just manipulation to prevent you from leaving him. Even if it's not a bluff, it sounds like you don't really care what his family thinks, and yours will believe the truth from you.

I get the sense that you love the potential you once saw in the man, not really the man himself. You've nurtured that potential for a decade now and it hasn't come to fruition. Time to admit defeat, because he never will.
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post #6 of 36 (permalink) Old 11-29-2016, 01:20 PM Thread Starter
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Re: At a loss, need to vent....

I've been crying all day today.

The worst part is what set me off. I was looking for places to live. Then I went to tidy the kids' rooms, make beds, just daily stuff. Went into DD's room (which I just re-decorated with her, she LOVES it - I'm an interior designer and don't get to use my skills much since we inherited the family business, so I really like working on my own spaces), and it hit me that this wouldn't be her room for ME anymore. This big, cozy, perfect room that she and I carefully designed and made together to be her sanctuary would stay here. Her sanctuary that she adores, that she spends time in and cherishes would be at HIS house. And I'd be in a rental house with these tiny little bedrooms that I can't truly make ours. And I just collapsed from sadness.

How pathetic? That my marriage could be ending and I'm desperately sad over losing my house. A material thing that really shouldn't even matter.

Then I couldn't stop thinking of all these things - that my master bedroom suite that is MY sanctuary in this crazy house, that I love to read in, practice yoga, meditate, just sit on the balcony and watch the scenery outside with my coffee....would likely become some other woman's master bedroom suite. She'd be sleeping in the bed I so carefully bought and sitting in my cozy armchair reading. I wanted to throw up. My kitchen that I designed from scratch would become hers.

And this is all so gross to me. Why am I like this? It's a house. There will be other houses, other bedrooms. But - there wasn't going to be. THIS was supposed to be my forever house. I cherish and adore this house. My kids LOVE it here. And I'm going to make them split their time between here and some tiny little rental in the city. All these things are so hard.

I'm still receiving the silent treatment over the second phone cord issue. It's been 4 days. So, judging by his usual pattern, I've got a few more days of this. But this morning I said "I think we should sit down tonight and talk, once the kids are in bed." He said "I can't tonight - busy". "Well another night then. Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. Any night". "Yeah, ok", he said, as he walked out the door.

I'm trying to form in my mind what I will say. But I'm such an emotional stupid wreck today I can't even think straight. I just keep crying.
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post #7 of 36 (permalink) Old 11-29-2016, 03:02 PM Thread Starter
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Re: At a loss, need to vent....

I've posted here a couple of times today and I'm not sure why but my posts aren't showing up? This one's a test.
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post #8 of 36 (permalink) Old 11-29-2016, 03:03 PM Thread Starter
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Re: At a loss, need to vent....

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I've posted here a couple of times today and I'm not sure why but my posts aren't showing up? This one's a test.
Haha, and suddenly there they are.
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post #9 of 36 (permalink) Old 11-29-2016, 03:18 PM
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Re: At a loss, need to vent....

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I've posted here a couple of times today and I'm not sure why but my posts aren't showing up? This one's a test.
I see them now. I had an email notice earlier that you had posted and it wasn't showing up.

Don't feel bad about grieving for your house! Its something that you love and that you put time, effort, money, and all your hopes into. I went through that when I separated from my first husband, I grieved the loss of the house way more than my marriage!

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

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post #10 of 36 (permalink) Old 11-29-2016, 04:04 PM
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Re: At a loss, need to vent....

Tell your hb that you will talk about it now, and you will see a MC now or your next stop is a lawyer's office.

Your problem is that you married a 5 year old who throws tantrums over respect but doesn't behave in a manner that earns it. He's a spoiled bratty bully.

And you've gotten him used to controlling everything by acting like a nasty baby while you kiss his arse, desperate to hold onto him.

You are an enabler. Why you'd even want sex with a spoiled 5 year old is beyond me, but if you want a chance to save things take a hard line now.

I doubt it will work but it's possible that seeing you walk might motivate him.

If it doesn't nothing will.

Be prepared for him to claim to be blindsided.....that's your fault for allowing him to treat you like a doormat for so many years.

My ex actually did a lot of the same things you describe. When I told him I wanted a divorce he begged for counseling, but I was done. If you take a hard line while you're still invested emotionally then you have a chance if he comes around.

Eventually you'll be done and nothing he does will matter.

Stop enabling and making excuses like his mother.

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post #11 of 36 (permalink) Old 11-29-2016, 05:47 PM Thread Starter
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Re: At a loss, need to vent....

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Tell your hb that you will talk about it now, and you will see a MC now or your next stop is a lawyer's office.

Your problem is that you married a 5 year old who throws tantrums over respect but doesn't behave in a manner that earns it. He's a spoiled bratty bully.

And you've gotten him used to controlling everything by acting like a nasty baby while you kiss his arse, desperate to hold onto him.

You are an enabler. Why you'd even want sex with a spoiled 5 year old is beyond me, but if you want a chance to save things take a hard line now.

I doubt it will work but it's possible that seeing you walk might motivate him.

If it doesn't nothing will.

Be prepared for him to claim to be blindsided.....that's your fault for allowing him to treat you like a doormat for so many years.

My ex actually did a lot of the same things you describe. When I told him I wanted a divorce he begged for counseling, but I was done. If you take a hard line while you're still invested emotionally then you have a chance if he comes around.

Eventually you'll be done and nothing he does will matter.

Stop enabling and making excuses like his mother.
I'll be honest - this was just the hard line I needed today.

Feel like a wimpy little whiner after crying all day. Once I put the kids to bed I'll be bringing this up to get things sorted out. I need a discussion now so we can move forward ASAP. I can't focus on work or anything else, I'm just distracted with this.

An enabler - yes, I can identify with that.
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post #12 of 36 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 12:37 AM Thread Starter
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We just talked. Well. No. I just talked. He said nothing.

I said he goes to counselling or I leave. By June if he hasn't changed this and been to therapy, AND separate marriage counselling with me, then I'm leaving. And not just go to appease me. I mean do the real actual work involved in getting help. No questions. No conditions. I said "make this effort for me. Or I'm gone. I don't care if you somehow become the most amazing husband on this planet by then, if you haven't been to therapy I'm out".

Now we will see if he books the appointment and goes. In the past I made the mistake of booking it for him. Then he doesn't show, and claims he forgot since he didn't book it (despite my million reminders). I will book the MC. The first time he doesn't come to that I'm done. But I won't mother him anymore. Book your own appointments and to them like an adult.

I feel strangely free already. Like my feelings aren't ALL bottled up inside about to blow.

But - he literally said zero words while I said this all to him. When I asked if he had anything to say he said no. I said "so do you understand what I'm saying to you?". He simply said "yes". And then turned on the tv to start his video game, while I headed to bed alone again.

Hopeless
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post #13 of 36 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 05:02 AM
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Re: At a loss, need to vent....

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I said he goes to counselling or I leave. By June if he hasn't changed this and been to therapy, AND separate marriage counselling with me, then I'm leaving. And not just go to appease me. I mean do the real actual work involved in getting help. No questions. No conditions. I said "make this effort for me. Or I'm gone. I don't care if you somehow become the most amazing husband on this planet by then, if you haven't been to therapy I'm out".
Then stand behind your words.

Don't make ultimatums unless you intend to STAND by them. If he doesn't fulfill your requests, then LEAVE. Stop making excuses for him 'because of his childhood.' That's gotten real damned old and the time comes when a GROWNUP needs to own - and fix - their own sh*t instead of just sailing through life being an a*sshole and expecting everyone else to accept it "because he was abused."

Quite honestly, it sounds as though it's just been years of YOU busting your ass every single day trying to make this marriage work and knocking yourself out doing EVERYTHING but chewing his damned food for him while he's been a lazy, self-indulgent, selfish, self-entitled jerk who had no problem LETTING you knock yourself out doing it all. That alone should have gotten his ass kicked out years ago.

You have the patience of a saint. Good luck to you.
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post #14 of 36 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 05:56 AM
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Re: At a loss, need to vent....

It won't be easy for him.....he's had a long time of behaving like this.

It's possible he needs time to process it, give that to him.

But absolutely follow through, or your life won't be worth anything with him.

And you know what? You might have to face the possibility that he doesn't care enough about you or the marriage to get any kind of help. If so you're much better off without him.

I suspect he thinks you're bluffing.
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post #15 of 36 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 08:37 AM
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Re: At a loss, need to vent....

I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this. Some of things that you described are the things a passive aggressive person would do (the silent treatment & saying that they're going to return something but never do). A passive aggressive person is extremely difficult to deal with. And him constantly threatening divorce whenever you have a conflict is abusive.

It's so hard to imagine him running a successful business with all of the forgetting that he does. He comes across as an airhead.

You say that you love him, but love isn't enough to sustain a healthy marriage. You are carrying the household responsibilities. He knows that you're going to do it, so why would he bother putting forth the effort? He doesn't care and is lazy. Maybe that's why he says that he's "laid back". Not caring & being lazy isn't being "laid back".

You guys are not a match. Keep posting because it'll get worse before it gets better. There are people on this forum that can help you deal with some of the things that he's likely to pull.

"Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow."
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