My Boyfriend Keeps Disappointing Me & We Are Having a Lot of Problems
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Old 10-14-2007, 03:18 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default My Boyfriend Keeps Disappointing Me & We Are Having a Lot of Problems

I'm 22, he's 25. We've known each other for about 2 years, been together for a year and a half, and lived together for almost a year. He fell in love with me almost immediately after we started dating, and I fell in love with him a few months later. Our relationship was flawless for the first 6 months, then after that, little by little, things started getting bumpier.

We're just past the 1 year mark and in the last 2 weeks we've been going through some very tough times. We'd never slept apart since we moved in together, but last Sunday night I was too hurt and angry to let him sleep in my bed with me, and the night after that I did let him sleep in my bed, but realized I was uncomfortable with the idea after he had fallen asleep. And now tonite he is sleeping in his room again, because I was too angry to let him sleep in my room with me.

The first major incident occurred last week on Saturday (Oct 6th). My boyfriend told me that I wasn't "family." More specifically, he told me that I was not as "family" as his best friend, whom he has known since before highschool. But then later he proceeded to explain to me that I didn't meet his definition of family at all--"yet." Like I had to earn it or something.

I took this news pretty bad. I thought I'd been with him long enough, that we shared such a deep and strong love, and that we were so close that he thought of me as family. To hear that I was not considered "family" to him meant--in my eyes--that he devalued my contribution to the relationship, and took our relationship, my feelings for him, and so forth, less seriously than I did, and less seriously than he should be taking them.

He explained that his definition of "family" includes a longer history with someone. And apparently we haven't been together long enough for him to think of me as family.

I had thought of him as family, however, starting a few months ago. I was hurt so deeply and badly by this; I felt rejected, abandoned, and taken advantage of. I told him later that I felt he didn't deserve me--that I felt like he devalued my contributions and my feelings. I told him, through tears, that he was the man I loved, the first man I had been with intimately, and the man I wanted to share my life with and have children with--and then to be informed of this, was absolutely ridiculous; insane! I felt like our relationship was now "unsealed" and "informal" again.

I told him things would change; that he didn't deserve me; that I wouldn't try so hard to be a great girlfriend. For a few days I didn't even try; I pretty much ignored him. I think it was on Thursday that we "reconciled," and things went back to normal...almost.

Then today there was another incident. I have several sources of stress in my life right now that a health professional recently told me could cause depression. And I guess its been building up. I was doing Engineering homework and was struggling with a few very difficult problems, and couldn't solve them. His brother wanted to go out to eat. So I reluctantly agreed; my boyfriend thought it would help my mood. He then asked if his friend could come along too; I'm not very fond of his friend. I told my boyfriend that I was in a very bad/angry mood and that I didn't like the friend. Well, apparently that didn't get the message through. As I was halfway down the street towards the car, this friend jogs up behind us and I realized that he had been invited to come along. At that moment I became furious; I felt like my boyfriend was pulling a passive-aggressive move, that he was disregarding my feelings, or just being negligent.

Often times I feel that he is negligent or incompetent with my feelings.

Needless to say, the rest of the evening did not go well. And this brings us to now. I am realizing that I am getting less content with him, and that he keeps disappointing me. I would like him to be more aggressive, and to know what to do and how to act when there are problems.

I don't know, I don't know how to fix this. I wish I was happy again the way I was 6 months ago. I wish he considered me "family." There is no way this man is going to put up some kind of standard for me to meet to qualify for his "definition" of "family." Especially not when he has told me how unique of a girlfriend I am; that I'm different from most women, and that he loves me more than he loved any of his past girlfriends. I believe I deserve better than that--for me to have given my everything to him, my whole self and being to him, and then for him to hold back this part--how dare he!

Sorry this was so long. I guess I am hoping for some analysis here of my relationship so that someone can shed some light on something and bring out a new perspective I didn't see before.

Last edited by aeroz; 10-14-2007 at 03:23 AM.
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Old 10-14-2007, 12:31 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Boyfriend Keeps Disappointing Me & We Are Having a Lot of Problems

Different people are going to define things in a differnt light. His best friend has been with him through many girl friends. He might look at it through those eyes. It something goes south his friend will still be their and he doesn't want to lose that relationship for anything because it is his safety net.

IMHO I think it isn't right for him living with you and not feel a strong enough bond to thing of you as family or worse yet be so tacky that he would tell you such.

It is equally important to point out that though you might not like his friends for whatever reason that you should not try to control who his friends are or if he can see them. A better guage would be if he spends quality time with you. If he spends all his time with his friends or you have to share all the quality time with his friends there that is wrong. But there is nothing wrong if there is time for the two of you, group things and just him and his friends.

Quote:
I felt he didn't deserve me
At least you are communicating with him. Hopefully this will help. I do feel like I am missing something here though.

My advice is to step back and look at it from his perspective. If he loses his friends then loses you where is he? He has to rebuild everything in his life.

I look at family as no matter what they will always be there. If you broke up with him would you still be there to talk to him when times are tough. Would you have a common cause to rally too?

In the end you have to choose what is best for you. I still wish there was more perspective here to go on.

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Old 10-14-2007, 04:14 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Boyfriend Keeps Disappointing Me & We Are Having a Lot of Problems

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Different people are going to define things in a differnt light. His best friend has been with him through many girl friends. He might look at it through those eyes. It something goes south his friend will still be their and he doesn't want to lose that relationship for anything because it is his safety net.

IMHO I think it isn't right for him living with you and not feel a strong enough bond to thing of you as family or worse yet be so tacky that he would tell you such.
He says he does feel a strong bond and that he loves me deeply, but that I still don't meet his definition of family. You may have a point there: he defines family as people who will always be there and won't leave if something goes wrong. I don't think he is 100% confident I will stay with him.

But he shouldn't be; he hasn't put a ring on my finger. I can't be 100% sure about him now that he has told me that I am not "family." He says he is 95% sure about me, and that I need to give him time to figure out the other 5%.

So if he's waiting until he can be sure that I won't leave if things go south, and I'm waiting to make that decision until he puts a ring on my finger, we're in a catch-22 that will never end. I can't make any guarantees that I won't leave; though if I do leave, it will be my undoing emotionally, psychologically, and in many other ways for a while.

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It is equally important to point out that though you might not like his friends for whatever reason that you should not try to control who his friends are or if he can see them. A better guage would be if he spends quality time with you. If he spends all his time with his friends or you have to share all the quality time with his friends there that is wrong. But there is nothing wrong if there is time for the two of you, group things and just him and his friends.
There is rarely an occasion where he has to choose between me and his friends. He does spend quality time with me alone, he hangs out with his friends without me, and we all hang together at times. The issue isn't that he spends more time with his buddies.
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Old 10-14-2007, 04:57 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Boyfriend Keeps Disappointing Me & We Are Having a Lot of Problems

I am assuming you were very emotional when you first posted.

It seems that the sticking point is if he considers you family.

If he sees a futher with you than I can't see why he wouldn't consider you family. I think he needs to tell you where it is going. What constitutes the other 5%.

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Old 10-14-2007, 05:08 PM   #5 (permalink)
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I am assuming you were very emotional when you first posted.
I still am quite emotional about this topic.

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It seems that the sticking point is if he considers you family.
Correct.

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If he sees a futher with you than I can't see why he wouldn't consider you family. I think he needs to tell you where it is going. What constitutes the other 5%.

draconis
He "sincerely hopes" for a future with me. Those are his words. But I thought we had more than that going on; I thought he was sure about me. He should be. He tells me that there is not another woman out there like me, that I'm the best girlfriend he has ever had, that he loves me more than he's loved past girlfriends, that I'm awesome, that I'm the only woman he could ever have children with because I'm sane and rational, etc. And after all that he still isn't sure? What does it take for this man?

Once he makes up his mind about the other 5% then he will know where its going. Up until the last few weeks it was headed in the direction of marriage and later, children.

He says that the last 5% is due to me being critical of him, and closed-minded in general. He says that when he has a new idea, I immediately beat it down. Basically he sees me as being unsupportive due to this. He is deciding whether he can, or cannot, handle this for the rest of his life. He is also waiting to see if I will make any future improvements in this area. And now that I am keenly aware of this flaw, I intend to...

Though I hesitate to improve myself for him or do anything for him while he has done this to me. To tell you the truth I don't feel like doing squat for him at this point. I don't think he deserves it anymore.
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Old 10-14-2007, 05:24 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Boyfriend Keeps Disappointing Me & We Are Having a Lot of Problems

When everthing is said and done it is always your choice. I don't think you should shut him out. It might only re-enforce his problem. I think a fair way is to let it go on cruise control. You shouldn't have to do anthing special but you shouldn't withhold from him either.

I might also suggest having some serious talks with him. Lay out your cards and let him know that you were hurt not because he wasn't there yet but that you felt stunted by him not seeing his live in girlfriend, lover and friend as a major importance to him.

Let him know that in the same you have waited on him to as he hasn't stepped up. If you have been that great as a girlfriend why no ring? Ask him what you should have inferred about not being preposed to.

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Old 10-28-2007, 07:50 PM   #7 (permalink)
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When everthing is said and done it is always your choice. I don't think you should shut him out. It might only re-enforce his problem. I think a fair way is to let it go on cruise control. You shouldn't have to do anthing special but you shouldn't withhold from him either.
Yeah, its kinda been on cruise control. Shortly after the latest big incident, I tried to re-establish closeness with him. I believe it worked and now we seem back to normal.

Quote:
I might also suggest having some serious talks with him. Lay out your cards and let him know that you were hurt not because he wasn't there yet but that you felt stunted by him not seeing his live in girlfriend, lover and friend as a major importance to him.
He says I am a major importance to him, and that just because I am not "family," doesn't mean I am not a major importance or the most important thing in his life.

Quote:
Originally Posted by draconis
Let him know that in the same you have waited on him to as he hasn't stepped up. If you have been that great as a girlfriend why no ring? Ask him what you should have inferred about not being preposed to.

draconis
He is waiting to figure out whether he can deal with what he sees as my criticism of him. I am critical in general, and of everyone.

I deconverted 3 years ago from a deeply religious faith (Christian fundamentalism), which taught that we were the only ones in the world that believed the truth, that everyone else was wrong and going to hell, and that most things that most people did were wrong and bad, and we were not to associate with them. So in our religion we were super critical of everyone in the world outside our little church. We resisted changed, deemed it the work of Satan, and sheltered ourselves even more deeply into our little narrow world of "perfection." I obviously still harbor anger towards the institution, the church, and my family. I suppose I am bitter.

I left the "faith" 3 years ago, but apparently I did not finish my deconversion, because it still corrupts me; it has left its stain of closed-mindedness and negativity on me, and I did not even realize it until it began to seriously impact my relationship with my bf. He has been pointing it out to me for some time now, and I finally realize that I must continue to purge myself of my past.

Anyway, I find myself drifting back to about a year ago, when my relationship with my bf was fresh, new, exciting, and I want it all back so badly. I crave it; I want mystery in my life again; I want so many things that I feel I cannot have.

My bf says that once I broke free from my fundamentalist sheltered upbringing and found out how the real world worked, I decided that I hated it, and have withdrawn from it, trying to hide away from it into my own little world.

And I suppose he is right. I've struggled to adapt to it. I had grand ideas of what it should be--what my parents and college instructors and advisors seemed to say it was--and it was nothing like that. I graduated from college and could not manage to find a job even remotely resembling what I majored in. I took another job for a year, then got fired. My attitude at that job was great for the first 6 months, until they dramatically cut health insurance benefits and fired an employee. After that I had no respect for the company, was slowly realizing I had no future there, and eventually got fired.

I tried getting several other jobs--all were not challenging, made me bored out of my mind, and were extremely unfulfilling. And I got fired from many of them, and quit others. Many of these jobs were from temp agencies, which I realized simply existed to exploit desperate people.

After all that happened, I became a worse person. I became even more negative, thinking that I could never find the job I wanted, that there was no point trying, that "jobs" were methods of enslaving people into heartless, soulless, meaningless functions that enriched other people while deflating your hopes and dreams. I began working for myself, but I earn even less that way than when I worked for the private industry making $9/hr.

I feel like I am sinking, at a time in my life when I should be making breakthroughs, reaching new heights, making important discoveries.

I should be growing, but I am whithering.

Last edited by aeroz; 10-28-2007 at 07:54 PM.
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Old 10-28-2007, 09:12 PM   #8 (permalink)
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No every church is right for everyone. A part of your life seems to be a struggle for faith to know what you believe. If you are still Christian in your heart and feel you just don't want the type of church you were in before why not look for one that suits you. Or read the bible. Pray....anything.

I may be on after midnight EST tonight. If you want to talk more here. I think you need to look at the good things in your life and the world.

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Old 10-28-2007, 11:14 PM   #9 (permalink)
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aeroz ~ Have you ever thought about starting your own business and working for yourself. The pay may not be great but the rewards of working for yourself are awesome.

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Old 10-28-2007, 11:43 PM   #10 (permalink)
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I am an agnostic with no intentions of turning back. And yes I do own a small business. I was making the equivalent of $15/hr for a few months before my nitch market crashed. Now I'm looking for the next thing.
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Old 10-28-2007, 11:53 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Okay you are agnostic, and work for yourself. You seem "empty" while talking (post #7)about your life. WHat do you think it is that is bothering you so much?

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Old 10-29-2007, 12:00 AM   #12 (permalink)
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hi areoz!

this kind of situation happens to me all the time in my relationship! my fiance is a weak man, but learning to put his foot down. all a long in our relationship he has been able to be conquered by the guys and of course his mother and stepmom. and in all of it has been manipulation.

what it sounds to me is that ur fiance's guy bf is being manipulative because he is jealous of you. you are having all of ur fiance to yourself as he is losing his best friend from highschool. what i suggest is that you discuss with your fiance when to have your time together and then his social time with this buddy of his. see how this goes. ur fiance then would think that you care very much for his friendship and that he sustains it with this guy that they should just be together. like a guy's night out. and the rest of the time is you too. besides just living together, try having a date every friday or saturday or at least every 2 weeks. like one week ur fiance plans something. then in 2 weeks you plan a surprise something. each of you cannot complain because this is YOUR time together and that both of you are developing and growing your relationship as a couple. so in between those 2 weeks of your date with your fiance, his buddy can see him. for e.g. 1st friday of the month is you two, next friday his buddy and him, next friday after that you two, and then the friday after that his buddy.

just try this suggestion. see if it works. and the best part is that you still have your fiance with you most of the time because you live together. and since guys talk. well picture this. you suggest this. he ends up telling his buddy, his buddy may think well, that's a good idea. she wants us to spend time together. and then maybe all that crap this buddy of his is saying will lessen.

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Old 10-29-2007, 12:07 AM   #13 (permalink)
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I have always loved the marriage date Idea. The wife and I do it every week.

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Old 10-29-2007, 12:16 AM   #14 (permalink)
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wow draconis! you're very quick to answer! ^____^
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Old 10-29-2007, 12:21 AM   #15 (permalink)
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yes I am, and I am on three different forums right now.

LOL

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