What to do about red flags? Please comment!
Sorry, it's very long. I don't know how to shorten it up much really...
I'm in a long distance marriage, been married for about a year and a half. We lived together where I live for about 2 1/2 years before she moved over 1000 miles away for a teaching job. Toward the end of October I went there to be there while my wife went out of town for business. She wanted someone to be there so my stepson didn't have to stay with someone else for the couple days when she was away.
I got there on a saturday so that we would have a few days together before she went out of town. Other than a kiss and hug when I got first got there, there was no intimacy. I gave her back and foot rubs nightly but she wouldn't let it get sexual in any way. She worked Monday and Tuesday and asked me to wait to come to bed to allow her to get to sleep before I went to bed. Even in the bed she sleeps so I have no physical contact. This practice continued on Saturday night when she returned for her trip.
So finally when I was getting ready to leave on Sunday, I exploded asking "why it is so hard to be treated like a husband?" She didn't want to talk about it and we rode in silence to the airport.
Our communication has dwindled to non-existant. I used to text and email her daily. About last May she told not to send the BS email, that she was too busy for it. Up until October she did call at least 5 nights a week. I let her call as it was better for her to pick the time when she wasn't busy. I could stop whatever I was doing and we could talk. I thought that was working fairly well. During the October visit, she told me she felt "obligated" to have to call. I responed "that isn't good". And after what happened then, she has only called a couple times in now a month and a half.
I had been planning on driving back (over 1000 miles) over Thanksgiving but she called and told me not to come. I'd already changed my mind about it based on what had gone on in October but just told her I didn't have the gas money for the trip so wasn't coming because of that. I was going to fly out for Christmas and she said maybe I should go see my kids.
I've been trying to figure out what is causing all the red flags ever since the October visit. I sent her something I found on here, not telling where it came from and she blew that off saying she was too busy to read it and it applied to couples that actually lived together.
She then calls on last Friday night and I ask her about the lack of intimacy. Her story is that she was too worried about leaving her son with me while she was out of town and worried about how her classroom while she was away. I knew her job is stressful and took that into consideration. Then she goes into how her apartment is too small, there's no personal space when I visit, she doesn't want the neighbors to hear us. And says she doesn't like to make out in public or even in front of her son.
This October visit wasn't the first time I experienced the behavior but this was the worst. So I can buy the job stress to an extent but to me I'd want some intimacy if I truly loved someone no matter of what stresses where going on.
I have every thing I need in my life where I live except her; a job, a very nice house and workshop (something that is important to me for my hobbies). If I move, she acts like me that having a similar workshop isn't important. She makes statements about I won't do this or that like I do where I live now. I don't know that I can or should move with all these red flags now. My gut is telling me it's not going to work. The intimacy is important to me, I like sex but it's much more than that. I want a deeper relationship but not feeling she is wanting the same. More like she wanted me for a good dad figure for her stepson and to be a Mr fixit and maybe some intimacy once in a while when she not stressed. She says I've "put her life on hold" while I wait for my house to sell and move.
Can I get some thoughts from you all???
Last edited by off the crazy train.; 12-05-2011 at 02:03 AM.