General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I truly believe that life reflects back to us what our internal identity is. If we are having problems with some area of life it is because we have fears and insecurities in that area of our own identity. If we have problems with sex it is because we have insecurities about sex. Life does not create obstacles for us. We create fears and insecurities for ourselves and then life reflects them to us through external events.
This whole game that we call life is really just one big exercise in personal growth. Spirit enters into the world in human form in order to meet itself face to face. Each of us projects to the world what our own personal identity is and the world reflects it back to us. If our identity contains some element of fear about our own attractiveness and ability as a lover then the world with faithfully capture that for us in sexual difficulties. If we have fear about being unlovable then we will have relationship problems that reflect that fear.
Because we do not understand this, we all struggle to try and make the world match our ideas of what it should be. We try to force our spouse to be sexual so that we will not have to face our own fears and insecurities in this area. It does not work. The purpose of the universe is to reflect the true nature of spirit in any moment. It will not bend to an idea. It will only reflect your true nature in a particular moment. The more fearful we are about sex and marriage, the more life will resist us in this area. That is how the game of life works. You are required to face resistance in the outside world until such time as you make peace with the aspect of yourself that is creating it. Then the problems start to go away. It is not because you found the magic formula to seduce your spouse. It is because you stopped struggling with them and did the internal work to let go of your fears around your spouse and your marriage. You created a new identity that is not fearful about sex and marriage, and thus the universe reflects a new reality back to you. It rebuilds itself around the new identity that you created.
Sometimes the rebuilding happens within the marriage. Your spouse is ready to grow with you and you go up together.
Sometimes the marriage falls away because you have grown to a new level of understanding and your spouse is not ready to go up with you. The relationship has served its purpose and now it goes away so that a new relationship that reflects your new identity can be created.
You must reach the point that you fully accept that this is how life goes. There is no need f to ever force anything in the external world. What a person needs to do is adjust their perceptions of self and then see what life reflects back. You still need to take action, but if you experience resistance it is because you have more internal work to do. You are not trying to create something that is not a match for your current image of self. Even if you do manage to get what you want, it will not last unless your identity has changed accordingly. If the old fears are still there then the old resistance will return. Life always reflects your own reality back to you. If you want life to change then you need to change first.
All of this makes perfect sense to me, but I also know that I cannot force anyone else to see the world this way. Many people prefer to think that they are a victim of circumstance and they will resist any notions to the contrary. That victim mentality is oddly comforting. It absolves one of the needs to make personal changes at the deepest levels. It allows one to make surface level changes while they avoid facing their own deepest fears. When they fail to change their life they can blame circumstance.
We cannot blame anyone else for the state of our life. It’s about taking full responsibility for everything on every level, keep working on your own self-image until the world reflects back to you what you want. You do this knowing full well that you may never achieve perfect peace. Within a few months you may experience resistance of some type again and this will be your cue to grow again. The growth never ends. Growth is the point to life.
"Pain in life is inevitable but suffering is not. Pain is what the world does to you, suffering is what you do to yourself. Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional." - Buddha
"Pain in life is inevitable but suffering is not. Pain is what the world does to you, suffering is what you do to yourself. Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional." - Buddha
But it doesn't feel any less painful for all of that...
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Can you rokker Romani chib, pal? Aye, aye, brother!
What's Weshenjuggalslomomengreskeytemskeytudlogueri? I don't know what you say, brother.
Then you don't jin Romani chib...
It makes sense to me... I do see potential in people, including my spouse. I see that he is starting to understand how I think, a bit.
But I know he is too scared (or lazy) to do the hard part, which is look inside and grow a bit. Take away all the other stuff, and you are left with YOU. Your job to fix yourself.
It's easier and lazier to just move on. That's how I've come to see it.
So how do marriages survive when one spouse grows more than the other? Or do they?
But it doesn't feel any less painful for all of that...
Buddha's got some good stuff. Of course, it's my personal opinion that he was drunk most of the time, which lends itself to stuff that sounds way better than it actually is.
My takeaway is that when you're hurting, you can distinctly take steps to lessen the hurt, or ... you can distinctly take steps to keep feeding it. Loss of a love is a prime example where lots of folks feel compelled to feed the pain.
Wow this is very deep for a simple mind like mine. I want to understand this in my situation, but I struggle with relating it completely. Admittedly, I was not a very good student not for lack of trying, but comprehending.
I sense my WAW has all the signs of a MLC. From what I have read about MLC, the blamed spouse is not at fault and just needs to ride it out till the fog lifts.
How does my internal identity take responsibility for her MLC?
How does my internal identity take responsibility for her MLC?
You don't. Unless you are aware, or she has made you aware (rightly) that some behavior, or lack of behavior on your part contributed to her pulling away from you. That being the case, you own it, and if warranted, you change it rather than punishing yourself for doing it in the first place.
You don't. Unless you are aware, or she has made you aware (rightly) that some behavior, or lack of behavior on your part contributed to her pulling away from you. That being the case, you own it, and if warranted, you change it rather than punishing yourself for doing it in the first place.
The MLC is well known to cause the sufferer to blame their unhappiness with that person they are closest with and rewrite history to justify their blame.
As mentioned before, I am slow to get things, but I just reread it and had an Ah Ha moment in how it relates to her decision to leave. I'll read it again and bet I get even more out of it.
Wow this is very deep for a simple mind like mine. I want to understand this in my situation, but I struggle with relating it completely. Admittedly, I was not a very good student not for lack of trying, but comprehending.
I sense my WAW has all the signs of a MLC. From what I have read about MLC, the blamed spouse is not at fault and just needs to ride it out till the fog lifts.
How does my internal identity take responsibility for her MLC?
An example from my marriage:
I always reacted to my wife’s emotional ups and downs by getting frustrated; my frustration would lead to my raising my voice. I would eventually calm down, apologies were made, and I could let it go. My wife would eventually let it go (I thought) but every time this happened she would hold onto residual resentment. That resentment built and built over years until one day it exploded. She shut down, she went non-sexual.
I reacted with more of the same, I got more frustrated, raised my voice in all attempts to get her to see that marriage was about mutual needs, I tried being a better man and husband and could not understand why after several months of doing so, she would not open back up. I would get frustrated again, I was blaming her for something I myself was creating, she knew that I would eventually always come back to what was shutting her down , the cycle was never ending.
How to change this cycle? My personal growth, I had to learn to control my emotions, say what I needed to say, but always in a calm, self-controlled manner. In addition, I had to pass the multiple sh!t tests to prove to her that I had really changed. Once I accomplished all of this, she opened back up to me as her husband.
Not my best writing here, but did I say that in a way that makes sense?
I always reacted to my wife’s emotional ups and downs by getting frustrated; my frustration would lead to my raising my voice. I would eventually calm down, apologies were made, and I could let it go. My wife would eventually let it go (I thought) but every time this happened she would hold onto residual resentment. That resentment built and built over years until one day it exploded. She shut down, she went non-sexual.
I reacted with more of the same, I got more frustrated, raised my voice in all attempts to get her to see that marriage was about mutual needs, I tried being a better man and husband and could not understand why after several months of doing so, she would not open back up. I would get frustrated again, I was blaming her for something I myself was creating, she knew that I would eventually always come back to what was shutting her down , the cycle was never ending.
How to change this cycle? My personal growth, I had to learn to control my emotions, say what I needed to say, but always in a calm, self-controlled manner. In addition, I had to pass the multiple sh!t tests to prove to her that I had really changed. Once I accomplished all of this, she opened back up to me as her husband.
Not my best writing here, but did I say that in a way that makes sense?
This is brilliant and I get this completely and hits right home to me. Thank you!!!
We have MC tonight and this will help me a great deal.
The MLC is well known to cause the sufferer to blame their unhappiness with that person they are closest with and rewrite history to justify their blame.
As for MLC, been there too (from both sides of the fence)
I don’t believe that mid-life crisis is an “issue” of its own. Nor that people re-write their history.
I believe that it is more of a point in time that one reflects on their “unresolved issues”, based on their own perception of history.
A point in time where personal growth becomes even more important to the future of an unhappy marriage.
Personal growth 
