Feels like a downward spiral... - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 18 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 10:12 AM
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Re: Feels like a downward spiral...

It was at the 24 year mark that I left my ex. I should have left after the first year of marriage, but I was too nave and too hopeful that things could change, to do so. I was going to wait until our son was off to college, but decided staying was setting a bad example for him and his future relationships. So, I left, eventually got into a wonderful relationship, and know I made the right decision.


Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
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post #17 of 18 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 10:36 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Feels like a downward spiral...

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Originally Posted by Chris Taylor View Post
So here's a few suggestions.



First, as lifeistooshort said, do you know her needs? Really? Start that conversation first. Ask her. Get her to verbalize them. Is it financial security? Non-sexual intimacy?Quiet time? Whatever it is, get HER to tell you what they are.



I've tried to get her to open up...no dice. She totally shuts down and won't discuss things or simply say "I don't know". I think that stems from seeing her parents in a loveless and non-communicative relationship. I know there are some deep internal issues as before we got married and had a discussion with the minister that was to marry us (we didn't know him prior to) trying to get to know us and our family a bit, I went through and discussed my family...wasn't all rosey, but my folks stuck it out and are still together and when it came to her, she was already crying prior to even talking....minister was kinda taken aback by that...



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post #18 of 18 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 10:59 PM
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Re: Feels like a downward spiral...

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Been married for over 18 years, together for right at 24 years, two kids (13 & 9), her 45, me 43. I'm the HD person and she's the LD. It's been this way for probably something like 15 years. In college, there were no signs glaring signs of a low drive. Things changed shortly after about a year of marriage. Almost as if she got the ring, so she's good.

I've made numerous attempts at letting her know my feelings and things never change. I think a good portion of her problems stem from her parents' marriage. They are still married but it's rather loveless. My FIL has had numerous affairs in the past and probably still has them even in his 70's. Its been like this for probably 35 years. Yet, my wife still lets her dad dote on her and she actually shows more affection towards him than she does me.

If it wasn't for my initiating, I highly doubt there would be sex. As it is, probably looking at maybe 1/mo....maybe.

To top it off, while she doesn't work, the family recently came into a lot of money from the sale of a business. Since that time, the lack of intimacy has seemed to increase. Again, I feel like she thinks that I'm no longer needed for financial stability as she has it all on her own...just like when things slacked off shortly after the wedding.

I'm a super loyal guy, but I've got my limits. When constantly getting rejected it wears you down. I'm in rather good shape and she's actually gotten in great shape over the last few years and I'm very attracted to her, but I feel like that's beginning to wane. She says she loves me, but there's no physical expression of that love. No hugs, kisses, or other touching unless I initiate. I've been out of town for several weeks for business but back in town on the weekends and there was no intimacy over the 4 days of Thanksgiving. The last night of the weekend, I asked about sex and got the proverbial excuses, tired, blah, blah, blah. She had time to watch her TV and check her FB, but not enough time for me...so in disgust, I rolled over on my side of the bed and went to sleep...pissed.

Next morning, I packed my stuff and headed back out of town. She knew I was pissed about the previous night but didn't bother to try and discuss it....I sure as hell wasn't going to. Grabbed my bag and told her bye and she gave me a one arm hug. Pretty sad...

Having read many topics here, I think I've confirmed my course of action...not going to dish out affection at all. Not going to be a **** towards her, just going to stop the hugs, kisses, and other shows of affection. My concern is that it will further build my resentment towards her and she won't change her attitude either. Not only that, I know our kids will see it as well and the cycle continues just as what my wife saw growing up....vicious cycle.

So when do you cut your losses and move on or do you just keep **** together until the kids are out of the house? That's another 9 years of the status quo...I've brought up counseling and that notion kind of pisses her off so it's pretty much a nonstarter.

I know she's not cheating as she cannot keep a secret nor hide something like that without it totally eating at her.

Simply at a loss....




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Make very certain that your side of the street is clean. No passive-aggressive bs, no covert contracts.

Once that's done (and it almost certainly won't make any difference, but you need to be certain),

You tell her this: "I have no intention of living the rest of my life in a sexless marriage".

If nothing changes (and it probably won't) then you proceed to the 180 (read up on it if you haven't already).

You'll be doing this for your own good, not to win her back. It will help you begin to emotionally separate from her.

Only do things for her that you want to do for your own sake. Be pleasant, don't beg for sex. Focus on the kids. Get a hobby, go to the gym, hang out with the guys every week or two. Do not complain. Rub one out as needed.

If she asks you what's going on just tell her that you're now focusing on your own needs,

After a while you'll be ready to move on. If she does start to come around, hopefully (for her) it'll be before you're emotionally gone.

The only way to save the marriage is to be okay with losing it.

The kids'll be fine.
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