Thanks all for reading!
Exec summary:
My info: divorced, early 30's, engineer.
Her info: was single for 5~ish, early 30's, engineer.
Our info: dating for ~10 months now.
Also, an older thread is here: (forgot my login) http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...on/318497-dating-advice-after-long-break.html
I am a bit at a loss and would like some feedback on my thoughts.
This amazing girl (an outdoorsy type) and I (also an outdoorsy type) have been dating for 10 months or so. She had been single for many years (strong and independent, yet sensitive woman) and I had divorced a year before we started dating.
The seemingly only issue is in the intimacy department.
We see each other on the weekends and occasionally during the week as well.
I have going been very slow with her and did not really force much intimacy since she had been single for many years. Why? She is an extreme introvert and has the mechanic personality type. I think she got badly hurt in the last relationship she had (mid 20's) and decided not the repeat such experience.
But then this European guy appeared and she gave him a shot.
Fast forward ten months and see some progress. Kissing. Hiking. Camping. Touching (on my side, of course). Sleep overs later on.
But there is no... sex. I am a generally low drive guy (yes, I am in shape, do hike, climb, swim, ..., but somehow I do not to have sex on a weekly basis). I have been slowly yet gradually introducing elements of sex into our lives, such as (from my side) pretty much anything but the final base. She reciprocates but does not initiate.
Yesterday I forced this issue. She typically does not vocalize her issues or thoughts (cautious and extreme introvert) and many times I have to ask for her input. She is very comfortable with being quiet.
I asked her rather flat: why do not we have sex? Is there something wrong?
Her reply: I feel that you have expectations of me that I am not meeting. That makes me feel insecure and not too comfortable. I have a hard time relaxing. But I do want to have sex with you.
My other question: How did this work in your previous relationship?
Her reply: Sometimes it happened and sometimes it did not. (I could not get a clearer answer).
Next: What did sex mean to you? (I also said that to me it is a natural extension of intimacy and a differentiator of friendship/dating).
Her reply: I do not know.
That's for the questions. I also think that she has also been avoiding bed situations. Actually, I do believe that if I did not force the issue by having this discussion, she'd be perfectly fine with the status quo (evenings together, book reading, hiking, camping, climbing, board games, ...).
For reference, my ex-wife was a total bed queen. She was almost like a pro. But that's over and has been over for two years. Just a basis for comparison, nothing else. But I also know that my expectations are not unrealistic.
I really, really care for this girl and I believe that there is a potential for a great long-time relationship and possibly even more. Besides the intimacy aspect I am truly happy (hope she is too!)
Do I push too much? How should I go about relieving some of the pressure she feels without completely giving up on the intimacy aspect of a relationship?
Thanks!
European guy dating an American girl
Exec summary:
My info: divorced, early 30's, engineer.
Her info: was single for 5~ish, early 30's, engineer.
Our info: dating for ~10 months now.
Also, an older thread is here: (forgot my login) http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...on/318497-dating-advice-after-long-break.html
I am a bit at a loss and would like some feedback on my thoughts.
This amazing girl (an outdoorsy type) and I (also an outdoorsy type) have been dating for 10 months or so. She had been single for many years (strong and independent, yet sensitive woman) and I had divorced a year before we started dating.
The seemingly only issue is in the intimacy department.
We see each other on the weekends and occasionally during the week as well.
I have going been very slow with her and did not really force much intimacy since she had been single for many years. Why? She is an extreme introvert and has the mechanic personality type. I think she got badly hurt in the last relationship she had (mid 20's) and decided not the repeat such experience.
But then this European guy appeared and she gave him a shot.
Fast forward ten months and see some progress. Kissing. Hiking. Camping. Touching (on my side, of course). Sleep overs later on.
But there is no... sex. I am a generally low drive guy (yes, I am in shape, do hike, climb, swim, ..., but somehow I do not to have sex on a weekly basis). I have been slowly yet gradually introducing elements of sex into our lives, such as (from my side) pretty much anything but the final base. She reciprocates but does not initiate.
Yesterday I forced this issue. She typically does not vocalize her issues or thoughts (cautious and extreme introvert) and many times I have to ask for her input. She is very comfortable with being quiet.
I asked her rather flat: why do not we have sex? Is there something wrong?
Her reply: I feel that you have expectations of me that I am not meeting. That makes me feel insecure and not too comfortable. I have a hard time relaxing. But I do want to have sex with you.
My other question: How did this work in your previous relationship?
Her reply: Sometimes it happened and sometimes it did not. (I could not get a clearer answer).
Next: What did sex mean to you? (I also said that to me it is a natural extension of intimacy and a differentiator of friendship/dating).
Her reply: I do not know.
That's for the questions. I also think that she has also been avoiding bed situations. Actually, I do believe that if I did not force the issue by having this discussion, she'd be perfectly fine with the status quo (evenings together, book reading, hiking, camping, climbing, board games, ...).
For reference, my ex-wife was a total bed queen. She was almost like a pro. But that's over and has been over for two years. Just a basis for comparison, nothing else. But I also know that my expectations are not unrealistic.
I really, really care for this girl and I believe that there is a potential for a great long-time relationship and possibly even more. Besides the intimacy aspect I am truly happy (hope she is too!)
Do I push too much? How should I go about relieving some of the pressure she feels without completely giving up on the intimacy aspect of a relationship?
Thanks!
European guy dating an American girl