It's been a very long time since I posted. If you followed me at all, I was going through the worst time in my life, about 7 years of a troubled marriage, really abusive and neglectful behavior from my wife, and we were in marriage counseling without much progress.
So after all of that, and the MC saying I had tried so hard and made SO many changes to try and save the marriage, but still not seeing as much effort from wife, I came to the hard conclusion that my wife simply didnt love me anymore...not in the way that she used to or in the way that I need, anyways. Which is why I have pulling out my hair, wondering why no matter how hard I tried and everything I did, she simply wouldnt give anything back to me. No nurturing, care, affection, intimacy, love. Nothing.
After all that she brought up separation when I talked honestly in session about feeling neglected and unloved. Imagine my surprise, that after all her abuse and neglect, that SHE brought up separation. At first I said no its not an option I wont discuss it, but then I realized that I am doing what Ive always done with this relationship....chasing her. I decided to stop. And I told her and MC I'm done chasing someone who wants to flee...if thats what she wants, then so be it. I said if we separate its on my terms not hers...she wanted to continue to work on the marriage...I said no, if I'm gone then I'm done and moving on. We will coparent our girl. I can't be alone in an apartment, not seeing my girl as much, and waiting for wife to figure out her issues. I want and need love and affection and sex and wont wait.
A couple weeks later I was looking for apartments, a couple days away from signing the lease on one. It was the lowest point of my life. But I decided to try one more time to talk to her before I went through with it. We had the first open and honest discuss in maybe half a decade. She finally admitted to a lot of her abuse and hurt and neglect, and actually said sorry for things. She said that she wrongly assumed that if I asked for something or even had to discuss something difficult with her, like something she did that was hurtful or inconsiderate, etc, that she wrongly assumed it was an attack on her, that it meant I thought she was bad or inferior, etc. So I asked if she still wanted me to leave and she said she wanted to try. Wow, ok. I said lets exchange a very honest email, in writing, about our needs in this relationship so that there is no confusion. She agreed and we did.
So since then, I can see her trying to be kinder and affectionate in little bits. It's heartwarming to see anything at all. Its far from "perfect", but still, it's nice to see that she sort of cares. THIS BRINGS ME TO THE DILEMMA.
I dont want to look back if this doesnt work out, and live with regrets, knowing I could have done more to save this marriage. But this means giving myself COMPLETELY to this process, and her, and allowing myself to love her again, even "fall in love" again. What I mean is, that I cant bring myself to fight past the resentment, hurt, and pain, and do the type of things that make her love me, such as kissing her out of nowhere, being romantic, giving her compliments, without giving myself over to her and this process, if that makes sense.
HOWEVER, I cant bear to fall for her again and then be hurt again. I just cant. I have never felt lower in my life and had 7 rough years, and it took me the majority of this year to finally be able to protect myself a bit and step outside of my experience and put it all in perspective. If I "let her in" again, she could destroy me and I'm scared of that. So you see the catch 22? I could give my defenses up, protect myself, and not give her too much of me, but that may in turn result in a self-fulfilling prophecy. Like, of course its going to end if I act closed off and dont give myself over to the process.
But I dont know....thoughts, I really need help on this....???
So after all of that, and the MC saying I had tried so hard and made SO many changes to try and save the marriage, but still not seeing as much effort from wife, I came to the hard conclusion that my wife simply didnt love me anymore...not in the way that she used to or in the way that I need, anyways. Which is why I have pulling out my hair, wondering why no matter how hard I tried and everything I did, she simply wouldnt give anything back to me. No nurturing, care, affection, intimacy, love. Nothing.
After all that she brought up separation when I talked honestly in session about feeling neglected and unloved. Imagine my surprise, that after all her abuse and neglect, that SHE brought up separation. At first I said no its not an option I wont discuss it, but then I realized that I am doing what Ive always done with this relationship....chasing her. I decided to stop. And I told her and MC I'm done chasing someone who wants to flee...if thats what she wants, then so be it. I said if we separate its on my terms not hers...she wanted to continue to work on the marriage...I said no, if I'm gone then I'm done and moving on. We will coparent our girl. I can't be alone in an apartment, not seeing my girl as much, and waiting for wife to figure out her issues. I want and need love and affection and sex and wont wait.
A couple weeks later I was looking for apartments, a couple days away from signing the lease on one. It was the lowest point of my life. But I decided to try one more time to talk to her before I went through with it. We had the first open and honest discuss in maybe half a decade. She finally admitted to a lot of her abuse and hurt and neglect, and actually said sorry for things. She said that she wrongly assumed that if I asked for something or even had to discuss something difficult with her, like something she did that was hurtful or inconsiderate, etc, that she wrongly assumed it was an attack on her, that it meant I thought she was bad or inferior, etc. So I asked if she still wanted me to leave and she said she wanted to try. Wow, ok. I said lets exchange a very honest email, in writing, about our needs in this relationship so that there is no confusion. She agreed and we did.
So since then, I can see her trying to be kinder and affectionate in little bits. It's heartwarming to see anything at all. Its far from "perfect", but still, it's nice to see that she sort of cares. THIS BRINGS ME TO THE DILEMMA.
I dont want to look back if this doesnt work out, and live with regrets, knowing I could have done more to save this marriage. But this means giving myself COMPLETELY to this process, and her, and allowing myself to love her again, even "fall in love" again. What I mean is, that I cant bring myself to fight past the resentment, hurt, and pain, and do the type of things that make her love me, such as kissing her out of nowhere, being romantic, giving her compliments, without giving myself over to her and this process, if that makes sense.
HOWEVER, I cant bear to fall for her again and then be hurt again. I just cant. I have never felt lower in my life and had 7 rough years, and it took me the majority of this year to finally be able to protect myself a bit and step outside of my experience and put it all in perspective. If I "let her in" again, she could destroy me and I'm scared of that. So you see the catch 22? I could give my defenses up, protect myself, and not give her too much of me, but that may in turn result in a self-fulfilling prophecy. Like, of course its going to end if I act closed off and dont give myself over to the process.
But I dont know....thoughts, I really need help on this....???