I'm not sure if my relationship is a future typical TAM story of a failed relationship or if I'm just projecting and being negative. In my last relationship my partner complained that I often focused on the negatives. I concur, back then I used to compare my relationship to others a lot. Now I just don't know.
Keeping a tidy house is extremely important to me. My partner is well aware of this as it is often a source of contention between us and I've communicated to him that this is among my top 3 needs. I was raised in a very structured home and had assigned chores for as long as I can remember. There was little structure in his and his mom simply expected the kids to recognize what needed to be done otherwise there would be trouble. Hence it was clear that he didn't share the same standards from the beginning. I admit he has made some progress since then so I'm not sure if I'm being too demanding or if I'm right in being super concerned. It's the little things that add up and drive me nuts: eg. taking off shoes and leaving them in the middle of the way and just leaving stuff lying around in general, being ok with the sink being filthy, ok with stains in the toilet, ok keeping his toothbrush in a disgusting container. It doesn't drain so whatever is dripping from his toothbrush has accumulated and turned to this gross mushy who knows what on the bottom. I pointed it out when I first moved in (almost 4 months ago), he hasn't cleaned it and it grosses me out every time he puts the tube of toothpaste in there.
I worry that I'll end up being in a typical relationship where the woman does the majority of the work but mostly I worry about how it will be exponentially more difficult when kids are brought into the picture. I feel the resentment growing in me, I sense a decline in my sexual desire and I'm just having an overall hard time being upbeat with my partner and feeling connected to him. Beyond my low mood, I'm not sure he's even aware of how deeply everything is affecting me. I find myself crying all the time like a ****ing retard, it's disgusting. It makes me feel helpless, pitiful and even more sad. I hate the mess I am in those moments.
I tried to talk to him recently when he came to bed. I started out by asking if he had any clue as to why I've been so withdrawn. He did; he said he thought it was because I felt like I did a lot of house work over the weekend and he didn't help. He also noticed my mood change when we were at the park but did not know why. I said ok and asked how did that situation play out from his perspective. He said he had a lot of errands to run and didn't really have time to help. It's true, he had plenty errands but I clarified that the weekend wasn't the issue. It was all the days leading up to the weekend. Plus a lack of pda on the 2 occasions when we went out over the weekend. We don't have to kiss, let's hold hands, look into my eyes when I talk to you, hug me, hold me, do something! But least of all, don't ask the waiter for the sports channel. Sigh. On both occasions the place was the perfect couples spot: one a beautiful resort set by a river with no couple but us in sight; the other a family event with live performances at a beautiful park downtown. I admitted that I was already feeling a little neglected because it was right after my period and there's not much sexual play during that time. If I don't initiate (which always ends with me sucking his ****, not because he asks but because I love doing it) then there's no play. I said there's more to sex than just piv and I just was a little desperate for some attention from my man. Getting none and then the cleanliness stuff really just got me feeling down.
I say I took long to bring everything up as I'm finding it difficult to talk about because the cleaning has come up many times before (last time was about 2 weeks prior) and the intimacy thing is a little embarrassing and uncomfortable to discuss. He says in his usual monotone voice that it sucks that I feel that way etc., a few sentences before he went quiet. I realize he's fallen asleep and I just go straight to get a smoke because I know I will stay awake crying about this and smoking will put me right to sleep.
The following day he asks me to accompany him on a drive somewhere. I grumble to make it clear that I don't want to but he presses. In the car he apologises that he was super tired and ended up falling asleep. He asks me: "so I was a jerk at xyz (the resort) huh?' I reluctantly respond: "no, I wouldn't say that". I'm reluctant because deep down I don't want to talk about it because I'm tired of talking about the cleaning issue and the intimacy thing is just embarrassing. We go on with our day, him attempting to reconcile by using typical nicknames he knows I love and just trying to be nice in general. In the past I would have been responsive because I'm always eager to go back to normal but this time I'm really hurting inside and I just can't. How is he not interested in hearing more about the issues, in finding out how best he can avoid them recurring, in providing a more appropriate response in general? How could he realize the cleanliness was an issue and just not say anything about it in the moment. Why if he realized he was so tired could he not just say that he's too tired to stay awake and suggest an alternative time. Why this monotone voice when I try to discuss issues bothering me especially after I've mentioned that it's a turn off. It just makes me even more sad and wish I never brought anything up because he sounds so sad and pitiful when he does it.
I'm confused as to whether I'm exaggerating our issues and if I should really be concerned about our future. He's a great partner in many ways and when things are great I feel so good about us. The most confident I've felt in any relationship. I recognize some of his errors (e.g. rugsweeping difficult issues and underestimating the amount of work required to stay in love) because I made these mistakes in my last relationship. I've been able to grow through reflection and through the experiences and advice shared on TAM.
We've been together for 5 years. We're both 27. I moved in 4 months ago.
Keeping a tidy house is extremely important to me. My partner is well aware of this as it is often a source of contention between us and I've communicated to him that this is among my top 3 needs. I was raised in a very structured home and had assigned chores for as long as I can remember. There was little structure in his and his mom simply expected the kids to recognize what needed to be done otherwise there would be trouble. Hence it was clear that he didn't share the same standards from the beginning. I admit he has made some progress since then so I'm not sure if I'm being too demanding or if I'm right in being super concerned. It's the little things that add up and drive me nuts: eg. taking off shoes and leaving them in the middle of the way and just leaving stuff lying around in general, being ok with the sink being filthy, ok with stains in the toilet, ok keeping his toothbrush in a disgusting container. It doesn't drain so whatever is dripping from his toothbrush has accumulated and turned to this gross mushy who knows what on the bottom. I pointed it out when I first moved in (almost 4 months ago), he hasn't cleaned it and it grosses me out every time he puts the tube of toothpaste in there.
I worry that I'll end up being in a typical relationship where the woman does the majority of the work but mostly I worry about how it will be exponentially more difficult when kids are brought into the picture. I feel the resentment growing in me, I sense a decline in my sexual desire and I'm just having an overall hard time being upbeat with my partner and feeling connected to him. Beyond my low mood, I'm not sure he's even aware of how deeply everything is affecting me. I find myself crying all the time like a ****ing retard, it's disgusting. It makes me feel helpless, pitiful and even more sad. I hate the mess I am in those moments.
I tried to talk to him recently when he came to bed. I started out by asking if he had any clue as to why I've been so withdrawn. He did; he said he thought it was because I felt like I did a lot of house work over the weekend and he didn't help. He also noticed my mood change when we were at the park but did not know why. I said ok and asked how did that situation play out from his perspective. He said he had a lot of errands to run and didn't really have time to help. It's true, he had plenty errands but I clarified that the weekend wasn't the issue. It was all the days leading up to the weekend. Plus a lack of pda on the 2 occasions when we went out over the weekend. We don't have to kiss, let's hold hands, look into my eyes when I talk to you, hug me, hold me, do something! But least of all, don't ask the waiter for the sports channel. Sigh. On both occasions the place was the perfect couples spot: one a beautiful resort set by a river with no couple but us in sight; the other a family event with live performances at a beautiful park downtown. I admitted that I was already feeling a little neglected because it was right after my period and there's not much sexual play during that time. If I don't initiate (which always ends with me sucking his ****, not because he asks but because I love doing it) then there's no play. I said there's more to sex than just piv and I just was a little desperate for some attention from my man. Getting none and then the cleanliness stuff really just got me feeling down.
I say I took long to bring everything up as I'm finding it difficult to talk about because the cleaning has come up many times before (last time was about 2 weeks prior) and the intimacy thing is a little embarrassing and uncomfortable to discuss. He says in his usual monotone voice that it sucks that I feel that way etc., a few sentences before he went quiet. I realize he's fallen asleep and I just go straight to get a smoke because I know I will stay awake crying about this and smoking will put me right to sleep.
The following day he asks me to accompany him on a drive somewhere. I grumble to make it clear that I don't want to but he presses. In the car he apologises that he was super tired and ended up falling asleep. He asks me: "so I was a jerk at xyz (the resort) huh?' I reluctantly respond: "no, I wouldn't say that". I'm reluctant because deep down I don't want to talk about it because I'm tired of talking about the cleaning issue and the intimacy thing is just embarrassing. We go on with our day, him attempting to reconcile by using typical nicknames he knows I love and just trying to be nice in general. In the past I would have been responsive because I'm always eager to go back to normal but this time I'm really hurting inside and I just can't. How is he not interested in hearing more about the issues, in finding out how best he can avoid them recurring, in providing a more appropriate response in general? How could he realize the cleanliness was an issue and just not say anything about it in the moment. Why if he realized he was so tired could he not just say that he's too tired to stay awake and suggest an alternative time. Why this monotone voice when I try to discuss issues bothering me especially after I've mentioned that it's a turn off. It just makes me even more sad and wish I never brought anything up because he sounds so sad and pitiful when he does it.
I'm confused as to whether I'm exaggerating our issues and if I should really be concerned about our future. He's a great partner in many ways and when things are great I feel so good about us. The most confident I've felt in any relationship. I recognize some of his errors (e.g. rugsweeping difficult issues and underestimating the amount of work required to stay in love) because I made these mistakes in my last relationship. I've been able to grow through reflection and through the experiences and advice shared on TAM.
We've been together for 5 years. We're both 27. I moved in 4 months ago.