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Who are high achieving women supposed to marry

36K views 560 replies 45 participants last post by  RandomDude 
#1 ·
Carrying on a question from a suddenly closed thread....

Actually, not a bad thing to start a new thread on a related but more specific topic.

It seems that a number of women believe that a marriage won't work unless the man is making at least 2/3 of what the women earns.

I have no problem with women making more or less than their husbands.

I have no problem with women being attracted to whomever they please for whatever reason they please.

The question is, doesn't that restrict quite a bit the pool of men from whom a high earning woman could chose?

What if most high earning men aren't looking for high earning women?

Who (if anyone) would de-prioritize their career to focus on the kids?
 
#3 ·
If you've got two high income parents, they should easily be able to afford quality day care/nannies, etc. I don't see the problem. If it was also a priority that one of them work less or SAH to raise children, then they would decide this together which one it will be or how they will handle it.

Are you saying you don't know any couples who are both high earners? I know several couples like this and have never seen them have any issues with the problem you are suggesting. Because they are high earners, they use money to buy the services of others.

I know one couple where the H is wealthy due to family ties, and the wife is a doctor (a very successful one). He is the "house husband", but only by technicality. He basically doesn't have to work a job, he just manages several properties and investments he has during the day, this is his "job" (it can mostly be done from his couch). But he also takes care of the day time child care duties while mom is working at her practice. She makes a hefty salary but again, he was already wealthy and makes a ton of money from rental income and the occasional sale of a property. They have 3 beautiful daughters all of whom are doing very well. They have an on call nanny, housekeeper, landscaper, and all the other services people of their income level can afford to hire out.
 
#44 ·
The "who will take care of the kids" is a secondary concern. I should have left it out to keep the focus on the main point which is "who is a high-earning woman supposed to marry".

My wife and I both had career jobs when our 1st was born (career job defined as more than 40 hours, some travel and a job having a career path). We had a nanny raise our kid for a year before deciding it wasn't for us.

I understand that you could just have a nanny raise your kid (and I'm not convinced that's a horrible thing), but it seems like most these days wouldn't prefer it.
 
#4 ·
It seems that a number of women believe that a marriage won't work unless the man is making at least 2/3 of what the women earns.
I feel sad for people who have such limited belief systems. Money is really a fairly shallow topic, and in my experience, the couples I've met for whom shared money visions are major to them - well, they have no really deep shared visions..it's just money, which is either simple materialism or a scorecard. I have only my experiences to go on, of course.

I've never dated or married a woman who cared what I earn, nor have I cared what they earn, or if they worked at all. You can make a happy life in the US at any income.

I have no problem with women making more or less than their husbands.

I have no problem with women being attracted to whomever they please for whatever reason they please.

The question is, doesn't that restrict quite a bit the pool of men from whom a high earning woman could chose?
Wait, you started with "high achieving" and now it's "high earning"? Not the same thing. Some of the wealthiest folks I know are social boob hermits, no friends, miserable and lonely. Scared of what others think of them. It's not hard to make money. It's hard to be a fully functioning part of social life.

Every school of thought I've explored, whether atheist, business school, eastern belief, whatever diminishes the value of money. Yes, even accounting classes, teach something called "the balanced scorecard", in which a company is supposed to create five major objectives, none of which have to do with money. In theory, if a company keeps its focus on those objectives - as long as the objectives have to do with thrilling customers, improving the economy or environment, then money will simply flow.

High achievement is measured in contributions to others - not money in the bank.

At least, that's what I've been taught in every human-created school to which I've been exposed...

What if most high earning men aren't looking for high earning women?

Who (if anyone) would de-prioritize their career to focus on the kids?
Or their love of each other? Or their building of the community? Or their connection with neighbors?

There is a time and place for career obsession: at the start of it. Maybe first 10-15 years. That's all it takes to get it going at a comfy pace. That plus keeping spending reasonable and in the US, things just go well.


As with anything else, a relationship does not require two people to have the same interests. He likes burgers, she likes Asian food, so they trade off which they have. He likes watching sports, she prefers reading books. And so on. It's entirely reasonable that someone is passionate about career - it's what they feel is the thing they can contribute the most to humanity - there's no reason the partner have the same passion - as long as the two of you are OK with each others' passions and support the other in it.

As many relationship coaches say - if your partner has the same interests as you, then you may as well be married to a mirror.
 
#7 ·
I don't think there is a general answer. People should marry people they love and respect. If you can only respect someone with some particular income or above, that's fine, just be aware that like all selection choices it limits your options.

I know two couples where the wife works and the husband stays home. One is happy, one isn't. I know two where the husband works and the wife stays home. One is happy, one just OK. My wife and I have similar paying jobs, and we are very happy - other than unrelated sex issues.
 
#8 ·
Up until a few months ago my gf ran her own business and took a salary of a hundred thousand a year.The business went bust for various reasons and now she earns nothing.We have had problems in our relationship as anyone who has read my thread can testify but her income or lack of it has not been one of them.She is pregnant with our baby and I would like for her to be a sahm but I don't think this will happen.
The point I'm trying to make is it doesn't matter how much difference there is in income between partners,if there is mutual love and respect then just get on with it and don't sweat the small stuff.
 
#18 · (Edited)
Just make sure she doesn't get a tatoo. >:)

Seriously Andy,

Who cares what she made or you make, as long as you love and respect each other like you said. It's great that you both make great livings, enjoy your money. Remember that you are fortunate and help others if when you can. Most of all teach your child character and to do the right thing.
 
#9 ·
I don't care how much a man makes, as long as he can support himself and is responsible with said money. I work in education--I make enough to take care of myself, but I'm not going to be a sugah momma on my budget. I supported my XH for 6 months when he lost his job way back before we got married, on half the salary I make now, and I'm not in any rush to do that again. Not to say that I wouldn't support a partner when they need it, but... basically, my XH sat around on his a$$ most of the time and took his sweet old time finding a job because I was taking care of the bills, and he didn't give a sh!t how much it stressed me out.

I'm not interested in having kids, so that part of the equation doesn't really apply to me.

But back to the point at hand--a man's commitment to me and our relationship, and what he puts into our relationship, is way more important to me than any income discrepancy. I made more than my XH, and I didn't really care. It fell apart because he stopped doing the other stuff, among other reasons.
 
#10 ·
High achieving/earning women aren't "supposed" to marry anyone in particular. They should marry the sort of men they are attracted to. For some it's other high earners, for others not.

To each their own.

I've always preferred men who earned pretty good incomes or at least had the potential to. Never had an issue finding them. They don't have to earn more than me by any stretch. But I have a desire for a certain lifestyle and I'm not ashamed of admitting that.
 
#47 ·
High achieving/earning women aren't "supposed" to marry anyone in particular. They should marry the sort of men they are attracted to. For some it's other high earners, for others not.
True. The topic was not stated as well as it should have been.

It would be better stated as "How limited would the field of potential husbands be if a high-earning woman only considers those men making as much or more money than her".
 
#12 ·
Who are high achieving women supposed to marry?

Hmm, the guy that you fall in love with.?

I used to and could go back to making more money than my husband, but you know what, you can't take it with you (in death) all you can do is live as happily as you both are and raise your children to be responsible and good people, I have met many rich people, they ain't the happiest people, some of them are real screwed up emotionally.

So I guess the saying is true, money doesn't buy you happiness, unless money makes you happy.

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#14 ·
..............................

The question is, doesn't that restrict quite a bit the pool of men from whom a high earning woman could chose?

What if most high earning men aren't looking for high earning women?

Who (if anyone) would de-prioritize their career to focus on the kids?
It is not that difficult as there are (generalising here) more high earning men than women so the pool is quite large. Your question on what if most high earning men aren't looking for high earning women is key. High earning women in general are not looking for men with low self esteem so a man that is looking for a less accomplished woman has zero interest anyway.

I prefer high earners but it is just one part of the equation, they also have to have high morals and a high enthusiasm for living a good life.

Oh and money may not buy happiness per se but neither does a lack of money.
 
#48 ·
It is not that difficult as there are (generalising here) more high earning men than women so the pool is quite large. Your question on what if most high earning men aren't looking for high earning women is key. High earning women in general are not looking for men with low self esteem so a man that is looking for a less accomplished woman has zero interest anyway.
True. But removing men with low self-esteem (defined as men who don't prioritize accomplishment in women) limits the field even further.

Also, there may be more high-earning men than women at the moment but I think the difference will grow smaller in the future.
 
#15 ·
I appreciate you trying to explore this, but I'm afraid that the opportunity is lost. The thread is closed, and now, in this new one, devoid of the context of the previous, all of the people who were carrying on openly about this exact idea, screaming that this is what women want (like a bunch of RedPill men I might add) are able to pretend it never happened.

Not your fault that they don't want to be honest now. :(
 
#16 ·
By all standards wifey is a high achiever. However, she's in it for the glory and the money, not because she likes it. She's the one to have all the stuff, etc.

And she's the one to get aggravated because I don't share her ailment, er, ambition.

She's driven so that she can show her father that she, too, became a doctor (not medical doctor) and married an equal. Her siblings, both medical doctors, married epic losers. None of them has / had a good marriage.

I'm useful arm candy for her... quirky, educated, accomplished, but not demanding. What more a girl would want?

Translation: a lot of it is family and culture based. That's why when your kids are serious about that special someone, upbringing matters.


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#17 ·
I reject your premise that money has anything to do with you high value. If anyone man or woman goes for a partner for what the earn, they are making a mistake. Pick a spouse who has character and you will have a good marriage.
 
#22 ·
I didn't read any of the 49 pages of that closed thread, so I can't speak to that. But I do not think that "high achieving" and "high earning" are interchangeable.

I would define myself as "high achieving", and I am in the top 99+ percent of people (not women -- people) in terms of salary. So I feel somewhat qualified to answer.

There are already almost no decent single men out there my age (52). If I had to limit it to those who earned at least 2/3rds of my salary, there would be none.

I don't care about money. I guess that is easy to say when you have it... but it was never handed to me. I worked my a** off for every dime, and for my education too.

I don't care about how much money my SO makes. Or his education level, TBH. I just care that he is intelligent and very literate. And if I'm being honest, just those criteria knock out 95% of single men out there in my age range. That is frustrating enough.
 
#24 ·
Are you saying this is because they are all taken or are you saying most men are just dumb? If it's the latter then I would say no wonder you are having problems, if it is the former then I wonder where you are looking.
 
#33 ·
I do wonder how this relates to social attitudes lagging behind social realities. Comparing gender respective dating pools from even 30 years ago...men generally didn't have as many high status, high earning women to choose from as they do today, and women were praised for landing a doctor, lawyer, or other high powered, high earning man. That was an open representation of the reality where women did not often have the earning capacity to provide fully and comfortably for themselves...men generally were the providers and bread winners, and there was not much consideration that the woman would be.

Obviously there are those men and women who don't fall into this, there are always exceptions, but I think that even today, this is still reflected in attitude even though reality has changed...men give less consideration, and place less value on a womans status and wealth than women do on a mans.
 
#37 ·
That will change. Just like woman who make a lot of money are starting to have issues with alimony laws. It just makes sense we will soon be at a point where the sexes are at a parallel as far as wadge earning and when that happens money will either go away as a motivating factor, or will be one for both sexes. The bigger change will be the sex bots. They will be a revolution in my opinion. Robots in general are going to change the world as much as the steam engine did.
 
#35 ·
I guess I just know plenty of great men who make good money. I can name several couples I know where both parties are high earners/achievers, with good characters. When I was single, I had my pick of good men with higher incomes. Sure, I've met rich pompous jerks who just assumed I'd be lining up at their feet. I never gave them the time of day. But I've met plenty of broke jerks too. The men who have treated me the worst in relationships were men of more modest means.
 
#38 ·
I think it depends what you are talking about when you say good money. I have found that one thing about people in the 1% is to make that much money you usually have to think and spend a lot of time making money and keeping money. This means less time thinking/spending time with your SO and family.
 
#40 ·
LOL! The pool of desirable partners (for marriage) is always small. Doesn't matter who you are.

Given that women now often outperform men financially and otherwise, who are all those men who are threatened by high-achieving women going to marry?
Curious on the bolded, is this in fact true? I definitely don't see that (not implying it can't as I do know women who do well financially, just not what I see normally in the workforce). Also seems to contradict what some people keep posting about a wage gap b/w men and women (which if your statement is true I guess the bright side we can put to rest the wage gap argument)
 
#41 ·
High achieving women would be smart to marry no one because marriage will leave them financially liable for their partner.

That much being said, it goes further than that, a high achieving woman might think twice about even getting involved with a guy who could be a financial drain on the relationship.

Why not hold out for a guy such as myself who has lots of good qualities and earns a decent paycheck?

We're out there, although most of us are probably taken for good reason.

You just need to be patient.
 
#57 ·
I could argue that the sooner men stop thinking with their d!ck and prioritizing the hottest woman they can find the more likely they'll be to get a good, contributing partner.

Guys here on TAM are often told to find someone younger and hotter to make themselves feel better. Not a woman of character.

Everyone has priorities. There's a saying among women that when you marry for money you earn every penny.

Some people will always prioritize shallow or specific qualities and woman certainly don't have a monopoly on that. I often get the feeling that men look down on women who prioritize money but see no issue when they prioritize looks.

So men can be shallow but women must be altruistic.

Look for someone who shares your values. Those who prioritize non character traits will usually pay for that.
 
#62 ·
They can marry that career of theirs, or some rich career driven man!

Although it is possible that they may never actually get to see each other "face to face," as most of those high-earner folks already seemingly have their arrogant, high-dollar noses hoisted highly into the air for all to see!
 
#77 ·
They can marry that career of theirs, or some rich career driven man!

Although it is possible that they may never actually get to see each other "face to face," as most of those high-earner folks already seemingly have their arrogant, high-dollar noses hoisted highly into the air for all to see!
Not the ones I know. Except for the obvious markers likes car/house you would not know the extent of their wealth via attitude.

Maybe it is the ones you hang out with but you are making a very broad assumption that wealthy people are snobs, it just is not true in my world.
 
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