Please help...I want to save my marriage!

Laurae1967 · 12-13-2011, 06:10 AM

[QUOTE=EleGirl;513517]

Quote:

Originally Posted by kallywana

I agree. It also seems that right now her husband thinks he's the one calling the shots... kicking her out and telling her that she can only return if she does as he wants... let's the affair continue in the light of day.

The best thing she could do is to do the 180 for a betrayed spouse. It would limit the amount he can hurt her and it would let him know beyond a doubt that he is losing her if he does not end the affair.

Right now, by her talking/chatting with him daily he thinks he's in charge and she will have to do as he says if SHE wants to be married to him.

But it seems that the OP is not listening.

TRUE. The OP needs to STOP her contact with him. Her husband does think he's calling the shots. What kind of a guy who is serious about reconciling with his wife only chats with her online? Ridiculous!

charlene · 12-13-2011, 06:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ishe?

The 180 from what I've read is a way of creating strength within yourself. Even if your H has not been unfaithful. If you are being treated badly soon the 180 will show your H that you will not accept this behaviour from him and are separating yourself from him. He will either see that he is wron and amend his ways or he will not. If he doesn't you are being strong and will be well on your way out of an abusive relationship.

If your H is physically abusive them I think you need professional advice on how to handle things
Posted via Mobile Device

No ,just verbally . Thanks.

kitty0819 · 12-13-2011, 09:11 PM

Sorry I have been MIA, I moved up with my aunt. I haven't talked to him and have been trying to be as positive as I can. I'm trying to do the 180 to the best of my ability, thank you for posting it! It's very hard at times...like today I went shopping with my aunt and it just hit me because we used to do that every Christmas.

I refuse to be a doormat and wait for him to be done with her, whatever is going on. And even if she was taken out of the equation, he is still treating me like garbage.

kitty0819 · 12-13-2011, 09:15 PM

I sent him a message telling him that I will be filing divorce papers. He's moving into his own apt. We have no assets to divide, as we rented and had our own vehicles in our own names. Money wise, when I left, I took half. He said I didn't deserve it because I didn't make as much as he did.

Now, I understand I have done wrong in this situation by yelling and smacking him (which I apologized to him and everyone there for doing)...but I think that a man would do anything in his power to show his wife that he wasn't seeing someone, not continue to do this crap. He would do anything to get her to come back home and work things out. This is not happening.

COguy · 12-13-2011, 09:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kitty0819

I sent him a message telling him that I will be filing divorce papers. He's moving into his own apt. We have no assets to divide, as we rented and had our own vehicles in our own names. Money wise, when I left, I took half. He said I didn't deserve it because I didn't make as much as he did.

Now, I understand I have done wrong in this situation by yelling and smacking him (which I apologized to him and everyone there for doing)...but I think that a man would do anything in his power to show his wife that he wasn't seeing someone, not continue to do this crap. He would do anything to get her to come back home and work things out. This is not happening.

Because he's a cheating d-bag. I'm so glad you are young and have your whole life ahead of you and no kids. You're going to get through this and end up better for it. You deserve a GOOD husband!

kitty0819 · 12-13-2011, 09:56 PM

Thank you! I know he isn't here to tell his side, but anyone that knows us will tell you that I was very, very good to him. And he was good to me in our marriage up until this stuff. I'll always give him credit for that. But this just isn't who I married anymore.

EleGirl · 12-13-2011, 10:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kitty0819

Thank you! I know he isn't here to tell his side, but anyone that knows us will tell you that I was very, very good to him. And he was good to me in our marriage up until this stuff. I'll always give him credit for that. But this just isn't who I married anymore.

From what you have said he's cheating and being disrespectful. That is enough. You are young. I'm glad to see that you have the strength to end the marriage. There's a chance that he will come back.. and if he does, do not take him back lightly.

Do you have an attorney? Or can you get someone to help you with the divorce papers? Since you have no children and no assets the divorce will be easy to draw up.

As for the money you took. He's wrong. You are married. You are entitled to 50% by law.

Is your income a lot lower than his? Are you going to be ok financially? Do either of you have debt?

kitty0819 · 12-13-2011, 11:23 PM

I have decided that when I do file, it will be a no-fault divorce and will be granted in 6 months since no children are involved. Yeah it's either I take the money or get the court to award it to me. Either way, it's mine. Yes, it is. He makes a good deal of money, while I have worked a retail job, as there have been no jobs for my degree in the area. I will be fine. I took a considerable amount of money and am staying with family until I am on my feet.

kitty0819 · 12-13-2011, 11:27 PM

ETA: Only debt I have is a student loan, owing a mere $600 or so on. So I am good with that! I made sure to manage money very well while married. I clipped coupons, I saved.

EleGirl · 12-13-2011, 11:43 PM

In most states, if he earns a lot more than you do, you can get interim spousal support until your divorce if final. The amount varies accounding to state.

If you live in California there is an on-line calculator you can use to find out how much it would be. I'm helping my brother who lives in Cali with his divorce so I've been working with that.

Here in New Mexico where I live, they will take our joint income, subtract your basic bills and then split the remainder between the two of you.

So if you need some help in getting by this could help you. It might also impress on him that a wife has rights. Something that he has yet to learn.

kitty0819 · 12-14-2011, 01:20 AM

Is it bad that sometimes I wonder if I have overreacted? Like a small part of my brain asks, "What if?", that maybe he isn't doing anything. That maybe I am throwing away something good? I guess everyone in similar situations feels the same to an extent.

EleGirl · 12-14-2011, 01:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kitty0819

Is it bad that sometimes I wonder if I have overreacted? Like a small part of my brain asks, "What if?", that maybe he isn't doing anything. That maybe I am throwing away something good? I guess everyone in similar situations feels the same to an extent.

No it is not bad... we all second guess ourselves. It can actually be healthy in that it can prevent us from doing something too rash.

You need a list for these times when you are not sure. So that you remind yourself of what your boundaries are and what boundary he crossed.

He is having at least an EA if not a PA. This is clear because of several things.

He will not do what is necessary to protect your feelings and your marriage. The EA/PA is more important to him at this time then your marriage or you are.

Instead of taking care of you by getting rid of a relationship that is hurting you, he chose to kick you out of your marital home telling you that you cannot return until you accept his relationship with this girl.

The girl verbally abused you and stalked you on Facebook. But he did not choose to protect you and your marriage from that.

So what boundary did he cross? The boundary that you and his marriage are the first and most important things in his life. No one, nothing else can be more important. As your husband he is supposed to protect you and he has chosen not to.

If you give in right now and got back with him before he realizes that he cannot do this to you, your entire marriage will be a repeat of this episode. Is this what you want? I don’t think so.

If you follow the 180 & pursue a divorce to protect yourself it will show him that you are serious and that you have strong boundaries about the way you will allow yourself to be treated.

He might decide that he does not want to be married to you because he wants a wife who will take care of him, let him cheat and run around, and let him abuse her.

Or he will decided that he does love you, man-up, and do what a man does to keep a wife… treat her will with a lot of love and respect.

charlene · 12-14-2011, 01:45 AM

It's normal to feel that way. So what if you overreacted? It happens, what should not happen is what he's doing/ refusing to stop seeing her, right? / But after all if you continue to feel this way may be you shouldn't be filing. IMO you should have no doubts when making that decision. If you decide not to file,that doesn't mean you shouldn't stick to your guns.

COguy · 12-14-2011, 08:01 AM

EleGirl nailed it!!

Could not agree more. You're doing the right thing. Not that I would wish divorce on anyone, but you can not stay in a marriage where your husband puts another woman before you, even if they are "just friends" (though in this case I can tell you they are not).

I hope that God makes a way for you both to reconcile, but at the end your husband must choose his path, and for now he has decided it does not lead to you.

kitty0819 · 12-15-2011, 12:57 PM

No, I am not planning on going back. He's allowed her to disrespect me beyond the limits...and he has done more than his fair share of it as well.