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Old 12-08-2011, 09:43 PM   #136 (permalink)
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Default Re: Spying on your spouse, not such a good idea!

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Originally Posted by Entropy3000 View Post
Having secrets at all is breaking trust.
So I assume the right thing to do immediately after installing a keylogger is to tell your spouse about it then. Because otherwise, aren't you breaking the trust?
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Old 12-08-2011, 10:24 PM   #137 (permalink)
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So I assume the right thing to do immediately after installing a keylogger is to tell your spouse about it then. Because otherwise, aren't you breaking the trust?
Well played.
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Old 12-08-2011, 10:38 PM   #138 (permalink)
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Default Re: Spying on your spouse, not such a good idea!

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Sigh ... more with "secrets." So scary and nefarious.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but I'm pretty certain my failure to make my wife privy to the "secret" texts I exchange with my friend about a ball game we're watching from our respective homes leads me into temptation. Nor do I think my wife is apt to cheat on me because I don't avail myself to her inbox to find out about her "secret" discussions with her cousin about what Xmas gifts to buy her kids.
I'd certainly allow her to look if she asks, and I'd expect the same response from her. But it's not my "right" to know everything she says, writes or thinks.
If you feel your marriage needs protection from such "secrets," that's your right.
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Who gives a crap about secrets. It's cheating that pisses folks off.
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Old 12-09-2011, 09:10 AM   #139 (permalink)
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Default Re: Spying on your spouse, not such a good idea!

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So I assume the right thing to do immediately after installing a keylogger is to tell your spouse about it then. Because otherwise, aren't you breaking the trust?
Actually, when I snoop I DO inform hubby...after I snoop so nothing can be erased before hand!!! And YUP it works!!!! Albeit nothing insidious was going on but definitely concerning!! We were then able to talk about it and clear the air. So again IMO snooping isn't wrong...YOU ACTUALLY FIND OUT WHAT'S GOING ON!!! Frankly, as long as things are going smoothly, no unusual changes in personality and we are communicating openly and honestly with each other, I don't feel the need to have to snoop. I'm sure that most of us snoopers feel that way ...sooo for those who are the snooped upon , try to just openly and honestly communicate and comfortably share with your spouses, then snooping and key logging probably won't be necessary ( meaning act trustworthy then you will earn TRUST!!!!)
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Old 12-09-2011, 09:23 AM   #140 (permalink)
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Default Re: Spying on your spouse, not such a good idea!

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I spied on my grandma. She was up to no good.
send her depends to the lab for semen analysis
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Old 12-09-2011, 09:29 AM   #141 (permalink)
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Default Re: Spying on your spouse, not such a good idea!

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The people who think spouses don't have the right to know about being cheated on are probably cheaters themselves.

What a load.
They may or may not be cheaters now but they are reserving the right to get away with it in the future, whether they realize this or not.

There is no marriage that will never face challenges and the temptation to form an intimate emotional connection with an outsider is one of the biggest challenges any marriage will face. I can speak from direct experience that knowing your privacy is secure plays a big part in convincing yourself you can get away with it, no one will know, no one will get hurt. A lot of people I talk to think this is OK, especially when you can blame your spouse for something they did or didn't do. I wrestle with this every day and if I knew my wife was reading my personal communications I would feel less enabled
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Old 12-09-2011, 10:13 AM   #142 (permalink)
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Default Re: Spying on your spouse, not such a good idea!

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Actually, when I snoop I DO inform hubby...after I snoop so nothing can be erased before hand!!! And YUP it works!!!! Albeit nothing insidious was going on but definitely concerning!! We were then able to talk about it and clear the air. So again IMO snooping isn't wrong...YOU ACTUALLY FIND OUT WHAT'S GOING ON!!! Frankly, as long as things are going smoothly, no unusual changes in personality and we are communicating openly and honestly with each other, I don't feel the need to have to snoop. I'm sure that most of us snoopers feel that way ...sooo for those who are the snooped upon , try to just openly and honestly communicate and comfortably share with your spouses, then snooping and key logging probably won't be necessary ( meaning act trustworthy then you will earn TRUST!!!!)
Well said. Knowing that one's spouse can observe what one says and does is a major deterrent to all kinds of infidelity. Many people don't even recognize the little slides downhill that go on long before things blow up in their face. My advice is to see it as soon as it happens, bring it up immediately and take affirmative action, which may be as simple as a conversation. I know in my marriage, major disrespectful outbursts or defiant initiatives from my wife always correlate to communication with outsiders. I wish I could address this directly like you describe, but in my case, I keep what I observe in mind as I try to work around sensitive issues in a considerate and loving manner.
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Old 12-09-2011, 10:20 AM   #143 (permalink)
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Default Re: Spying on your spouse, not such a good idea!

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Originally Posted by Ten_year_hubby View Post
They may or may not be cheaters now but they are reserving the right to get away with it in the future, whether they realize this or not.

There is no marriage that will never face challenges and the temptation to form an intimate emotional connection with an outsider is one of the biggest challenges any marriage will face. I can speak from direct experience that knowing your privacy is secure plays a big part in convincing yourself you can get away with it, no one will know, no one will get hurt. A lot of people I talk to think this is OK, especially when you can blame your spouse for something they did or didn't do. I wrestle with this every day and if I knew my wife was reading my personal communications I would feel less enabled
If you really wanted to cheat and your wife has access to all your passwords, etc. You would just create secret email accounts, facebook accounts, etc. and have a secret phone or whatever.

Just because your spouse may think you are being transparent, doesn't mean you are.
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Old 12-09-2011, 10:36 AM   #144 (permalink)
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Default Re: Spying on your spouse, not such a good idea!

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Well said. Knowing that one's spouse can observe what one says and does is a major deterrent to all kinds of infidelity. Many people don't even recognize the little slides downhill that go on long before things blow up in their face. My advice is to see it as soon as it happens, bring it up immediately and take affirmative action, which may be as simple as a conversation. I know in my marriage, major disrespectful outbursts or defiant initiatives from my wife always correlate to communication with outsiders. I wish I could address this directly like you describe, but in my case, I keep what I observe in mind as I try to work around sensitive issues in a considerate and loving manner.
LOL!!! Believe it or not NOT BLOWING UP is a learned behavior!!! My h has been on the receiving in of some quite disrespectful outburst!! Instead of shutting down (which is the easy way out) try and work through the outbursts. It takes A LOT of time but it is really worth it! If she is like me, the outbursts are because she was so unbelievably hurt by what you either did or said or didn't do or say! She actually probably wants to talk it out but I'm sure all sorts of buttons are being pushed on both ends! Be patient and good luck TALKING!!!
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Old 12-09-2011, 12:02 PM   #145 (permalink)
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Default Re: Spying on your spouse, not such a good idea!

Just because you marry a man/woman it does not make them your property or your children. You don't have the "right" to spy on spouse. If you have to spy constantly you either are very insecure or you chose poorly. The truth will come out eventually.
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Old 12-09-2011, 12:08 PM   #146 (permalink)
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I didn't "choose poorly" as you put it Sanity and no the truth does not always come out eventually- people cheat and get away with it and stay married all the time

and I resent people trying to imply you simply can sniff out cheaters while dating or having a certain type of relationship or being a certain type of spouse will prevent cheating

it's simply not the case, read CWI, you see the same stories happening over and over again

now I agree my wife isn't my property and I am very aware that I can't control her. BUT I certainly can make informed decisions based on what choices she makes if she chooses to cheat again.
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Old 12-09-2011, 12:21 PM   #147 (permalink)
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Default Re: Spying on your spouse, not such a good idea!

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Originally Posted by Sanity View Post
Just because you marry a man/woman it does not make them your property or your children. You don't have the "right" to spy on spouse. If you have to spy constantly you either are very insecure or you chose poorly. The truth will come out eventually.
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Typically, I would not spy on my property. I set up surveillance on my golf clubs, once, and watching the tape was boring. They just sat there, in my bag. But, deep down, i know they are unfatihful. It is just a matter of time.
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Old 12-09-2011, 12:49 PM   #148 (permalink)
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I didn't "choose poorly" as you put it Sanity and no the truth does not always come out eventually- people cheat and get away with it and stay married all the time

and I resent people trying to imply you simply can sniff out cheaters while dating or having a certain type of relationship or being a certain type of spouse will prevent cheating

it's simply not the case, read CWI, you see the same stories happening over and over again

now I agree my wife isn't my property and I am very aware that I can't control her. BUT I certainly can make informed decisions based on what choices she makes if she chooses to cheat again.
My point is that if you are getting to the point where you have to spy AND you are a emotionally secure individual, then YES you chose poorly. Its nothing against you. We are human and make mistakes. I personally choose poory because my exw was a jealous, controlling monster who decided it was ok to check my phone, email constantly.

Having said this, if you do come across some information that leads to infidelity then act on it. My problem is the constant violation of boundries. If I have to keep checking on my partner, its just not worth it. Move on with somebody more trustworthly. Cheaters will slip up and will get caught. Life is too too short to worry about where your partner puts their genitals all the time.
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Old 12-09-2011, 12:51 PM   #149 (permalink)
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Default Re: Spying on your spouse, not such a good idea!

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Typically, I would not spy on my property. I set up surveillance on my golf clubs, once, and watching the tape was boring. They just sat there, in my bag. But, deep down, i know they are unfatihful. It is just a matter of time.
Then your golf clubs are not worth it my friend. Time to trade them in and go to your nearest golf shop and replace them.
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Old 12-09-2011, 12:55 PM   #150 (permalink)
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Default Re: Spying on your spouse, not such a good idea!

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My point is that if you are getting to the point where you have to spy AND you are a emotionally secure individual, then YES you chose poorly. Its nothing against you. We are human and make mistakes. I personally choose poory because my exw was a jealous, controlling monster who decided it was ok to check my phone, email constantly.

Having said this, if you do come across some information that leads to infidelity then act on it. My problem is the constant violation of boundries. If I have to keep checking on my partner, its just not worth it. Move on with somebody more trustworthly. Cheaters will slip up and will get caught. Life is too too short to worry about where your partner puts their genitals all the time.

well good for you for being so strong of a person to leave at the first sign of infidelity

however, most people are in shock and denial about it when it happens

and no not every cheater slips up and gets caught, some affairs can last for years before suddenly a divorce request gets handed to the betrayed and in some cases they don't know why
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