Originally Posted by themightypenguin View Post
o be the best person/spouse I can be and if that isn't good enough I will move on. If you choose to spend some portion of your life spying and agonizing over facebook posts and text messages I think you've missed the point. If you are suspicious ask. If they don't understand your concern and won't clear things up then you have a problem. Do you trust your SO or not? Do you stay or do you go? Do you go crazy spying and make your spouse feel like the only time they can relax is away from you?
Bottom line, cheating is wrong. It hurts. I won't tolerate it. I do, however, choose to trust my spouse and treat her like an adult when I have concerns about our relationship.
The problem being that very few cheating spouses behave like adults. If, as you say you would do, you ask your wife if she's cheating, whether she is or not, the answer you're likely to hear is, "Of course not. Don't be ridiculous." So, let's say you take her word for it, but something still feels "off." What would you do at that point. Your suggestion reminds me of an old Robin Williams bit in which he talks about British police not carrying weapons: "Stop! Or I'll say, 'Stop!' again."
I think you'd be hard-pressed to find someone who's delighted at having spied to learn the truth when 1+1 wasn't coming out as 2, but learning the truth allowed them a sense of clarity to determine if their marriage could survive.
I believe cheating is a symptom not a cause. Either the relationship is broken and/or one/both of the people are broken. Fix it, or don't fix it and move on. Continue living life as a victim and justify making yourself miserable so you can prove how right you are! That'll show 'em! When you're old and youth is long gone I'm sure you'll be glad you spent it policing your spouse's life.
I agree that cheating is a symptom and not a cause. But how do you propose to "fix it" if you don't know what's broken? As noted before, cheating spouses won't tell you. They frequently won't even tell you that anything is wrong, despite being asked directly, "What's wrong?" To illustrate, if all I do is walk into a room, flip the light switch, and I'm still in the dark, how do I know what the proper solution is? It may be as simple as a burnt out bulb. It may be a blown fuse. It may be faulty wiring. It may he a power outage in the area. I've got to determine the nature of the problem first.
You also appear to assume that, once methods to verify information are put into place, that the betrayed spouse spends every waking moment monitoring those sources. While it may certainly seem that way at first, if confirmation of infidelity is found, and the decision is made to reconcile, these methods - including full transparency (hopefully, Frank won't mind me using the "T" word) - are normally used to rebuild trust, and as trust is reestablished, the tools are needed and used less and less frequently. There also needed less as truly open communication is reestablished. Posted via Mobile Device