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Old 12-12-2011, 06:12 AM   #166 (permalink)
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Default Re: Spying on your spouse, not such a good idea!

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To answer your question, sure I'd let my wife read my stupid texts if she wished. But she'd ask and I'd permit. That's NOT spying. Spying by its nature is something done without permission or authority. Contrary to some prevailing widsom in this thread, a wedding license does not grant the "right" to access another's private communications.
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Wedding license grants ownership of all your possessions. So, if your wife feels like reading your cell phone without your permission, she can do it without asking you because the phone is also hers. There is no such thing as spying when you are married.
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Old 12-12-2011, 08:55 AM   #167 (permalink)
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Wow, speaking of straw men ... This thread isn't about transparency. It's about spying. Check out the thread title if you don't believe me.
You've changed the subject and then accuse me of a straw man?
Being against spying is not the same as being against transparency, try as you might to paint it that way.

To answer your question, sure I'd let my wife read my stupid texts if she wished. But she'd ask and I'd permit. That's NOT spying. Spying by its nature is something done without permission or authority. Contrary to some prevailing widsom in this thread, a wedding license does not grant the "right" to access another's private communications.
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Actually, you made the shift, by building the straw man and focusing on the nature of your messages and why your wife "wouldn't be interested."

But, let's talk specifically about "spying," if you want to (and will) contain the focus to that topic. No one that I've seen here has suggested that it be a default condition when there are no red flags to warrant it. If there are red flags that one's spouse is cheating, how, exactly, would you suggest that one ascertain the truth of the matter? Ask them? Do you honestly think that most cheating spouses, if asked, will say, "Yep...I sure am cheating on you. Pretty cool, huh?"

I recall that, within the past year or so, there was a story on both Nightline and Good Morning America about a wife attempting to file criminal charges against her stbxh for confirming her cheating via accessing her email on a family computer. I keep meaning to see if I can track down more information on that case.
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Old 12-12-2011, 09:38 AM   #168 (permalink)
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Default Re: Spying on your spouse, not such a good idea!

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Wedding license grants ownership of all your possessions. So, if your wife feels like reading your cell phone without your permission, she can do it without asking you because the phone is also hers. There is no such thing as spying when you are married.
That is completely untrue and has been explained at length on this thread.
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Old 12-12-2011, 09:47 AM   #169 (permalink)
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Default Re: Spying on your spouse, not such a good idea!

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That's a sobering thought.

I hope it's been clear that the things I've said on this thread have only been to let people know what they're potentially getting into, since there is a boat-load of misinformation on this subject floating around on the internet.

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--But I do understand that sometimes a person "Has to do what they have to do" as the saying goes.
Exactly. Any other posit is puerile.
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Old 12-12-2011, 09:54 AM   #170 (permalink)
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Wedding license grants ownership of all your possessions. So, if your wife feels like reading your cell phone without your permission, she can do it without asking you because the phone is also hers. There is no such thing as spying when you are married.
Where did you get your law degree? I suggest you ask for a refund.
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Old 12-12-2011, 10:49 AM   #171 (permalink)
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Haven't been on in a few days. Apparently people think I'm crazy for my belief that you don't really have a right to know if you've been cheated on. The only right you have is to discontinue the relationship if it no longer meets your needs, IMHO.

Is it wrong to cheat? Yes. If I found out my SO was cheating I would leave without a second thought. If I was suspicious I would ask her. If our relationship is heading in the wrong direction do I go crazy and spy on her every second possible? No.

I would talk to her. Make my concerns known and then look in the mirror. What can I do to make the situation/relationship better?

I just try to be the best person/spouse I can be and if that isn't good enough I will move on. If you choose to spend some portion of your life spying and agonizing over facebook posts and text messages I think you've missed the point. If you are suspicious ask. If they don't understand your concern and won't clear things up then you have a problem. Do you trust your SO or not? Do you stay or do you go? Do you go crazy spying and make your spouse feel like the only time they can relax is away from you?

Bottom line, cheating is wrong. It hurts. I won't tolerate it. I do, however, choose to trust my spouse and treat her like an adult when I have concerns about our relationship.

I believe cheating is a symptom not a cause. Either the relationship is broken and/or one/both of the people are broken. Fix it, or don't fix it and move on. Continue living life as a victim and justify making yourself miserable so you can prove how right you are! That'll show 'em! When you're old and youth is long gone I'm sure you'll be glad you spent it policing your spouse's life.

And, for the record I am familiar with STD's. I am also familiar with condoms.

I love my girl. Can I say with 100% keylogging certainty that she has never cheated? No. I trust her. I know she's familiar with safe sex should she decide to cheat. I know she loves me. I know we both work hard to make our relationship work and ourselves, individually, better people. We still fight. I still get jealous, and think what if. I understand these are normal human emotions and if they persist we make changes. We all make mistakes and sometimes just knowing the love is still there and the other person is willing to work too is enough.

Sorry about the long post. Thought I'd try to explain my opinions a little better. I don't think there is one true answer to any of this, and some people just get f*cked over by a spouse gone bad. Betrayal sucks and does happen, but if you live your life like a wounded animal it's never going to be much fun.


You must be the change you want to see in the world.
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Old 12-12-2011, 12:01 PM   #172 (permalink)
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Default Re: Spying on your spouse, not such a good idea!

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Where did you get your law degree? I suggest you ask for a refund.
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I got my Bachelor's from MIT, Master's from Yale, and Doctorate from Harvard University. I'll try to get my refund tomorrow. Any other questions?
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Old 12-12-2011, 12:20 PM   #173 (permalink)
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I got my Bachelor's from MIT, Master's from Yale, and Doctorate from Harvard University. I'll try to get my refund tomorrow. Any other questions?
Why yes, I do have a question. How does one as educated as you claim to be come up with such a ridiculous legal theory?
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Old 12-12-2011, 12:24 PM   #174 (permalink)
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Default Re: Spying on your spouse, not such a good idea!

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Why yes, I do have a question. How does one as educated as you claim to be come up with such a ridiculous legal theory?
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The same way you came up with the straw man.
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Old 12-12-2011, 12:28 PM   #175 (permalink)
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The same way you came up with the straw man.
I would have expected much better from a Harvard man.
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Old 12-12-2011, 12:29 PM   #176 (permalink)
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Default Re: Spying on your spouse, not such a good idea!

this post is written by a 30 year old women (myself) who has been spyed on by my ex husband who did it because he wanted to know who i was chatting with (to control me) I used to chat with people because i was very lonely my x was a very nasty and controling man. My current husband is well aware i chat with people...both men and women and has no issues with this. He too chat with both men and women. I'm not "loooking" for anyone nor is he so theirs no problems. I just posted this because I tend to beleive that a key logger is abused far too much...its a "control" method...used by someone who has poor self-esteem.
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Old 12-12-2011, 12:32 PM   #177 (permalink)
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Thank you mighty!!!
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Old 12-12-2011, 12:33 PM   #178 (permalink)
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Aefh great point thank you!
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Old 12-12-2011, 12:38 PM   #179 (permalink)
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Default Re: Spying on your spouse, not such a good idea!

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I would have expected much better from a Harvard man.
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He might have had to dumb it down for you, Frank

Seriously, with STDs so prevalent, how can anyone object to snooping IF THERE ARE RED FLAGS? We are talking risking one's life.
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Old 12-12-2011, 12:42 PM   #180 (permalink)
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o be the best person/spouse I can be and if that isn't good enough I will move on. If you choose to spend some portion of your life spying and agonizing over facebook posts and text messages I think you've missed the point. If you are suspicious ask. If they don't understand your concern and won't clear things up then you have a problem. Do you trust your SO or not? Do you stay or do you go? Do you go crazy spying and make your spouse feel like the only time they can relax is away from you?

Bottom line, cheating is wrong. It hurts. I won't tolerate it. I do, however, choose to trust my spouse and treat her like an adult when I have concerns about our relationship.
The problem being that very few cheating spouses behave like adults. If, as you say you would do, you ask your wife if she's cheating, whether she is or not, the answer you're likely to hear is, "Of course not. Don't be ridiculous." So, let's say you take her word for it, but something still feels "off." What would you do at that point. Your suggestion reminds me of an old Robin Williams bit in which he talks about British police not carrying weapons: "Stop! Or I'll say, 'Stop!' again."

I think you'd be hard-pressed to find someone who's delighted at having spied to learn the truth when 1+1 wasn't coming out as 2, but learning the truth allowed them a sense of clarity to determine if their marriage could survive.

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I believe cheating is a symptom not a cause. Either the relationship is broken and/or one/both of the people are broken. Fix it, or don't fix it and move on. Continue living life as a victim and justify making yourself miserable so you can prove how right you are! That'll show 'em! When you're old and youth is long gone I'm sure you'll be glad you spent it policing your spouse's life.
I agree that cheating is a symptom and not a cause. But how do you propose to "fix it" if you don't know what's broken? As noted before, cheating spouses won't tell you. They frequently won't even tell you that anything is wrong, despite being asked directly, "What's wrong?" To illustrate, if all I do is walk into a room, flip the light switch, and I'm still in the dark, how do I know what the proper solution is? It may be as simple as a burnt out bulb. It may be a blown fuse. It may be faulty wiring. It may he a power outage in the area. I've got to determine the nature of the problem first.

You also appear to assume that, once methods to verify information are put into place, that the betrayed spouse spends every waking moment monitoring those sources. While it may certainly seem that way at first, if confirmation of infidelity is found, and the decision is made to reconcile, these methods - including full transparency (hopefully, Frank won't mind me using the "T" word) - are normally used to rebuild trust, and as trust is reestablished, the tools are needed and used less and less frequently. There also needed less as truly open communication is reestablished.
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