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post #16 of 62 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 11:13 AM
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I was married to a gamer. 16 years.

Was.

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post #17 of 62 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 11:21 AM
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Re: Married to a gamer

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I was married to a gamer. 16 years.

Was.
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post #18 of 62 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 12:02 PM
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Re: Married to a gamer

I browsed it, but what was that supposed to tell me? I completely agree with the avg age 35 assessment, which further proves my point. Any adult who spends all their leisure time in front of a television is bound to be coming up short in other more important areas of life such as FAMILY, health, career. I've just seen too many IRL and TAM examples of this. And again to be perfectly honest, the ones I've encountered aren't exactly winning at life. Moderation, kimosabe.
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post #19 of 62 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 12:35 PM
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Re: Married to a gamer

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I'm interested to hear how others who are married to gamers make it work, specifically when one partner hasn't ever been involved or interested in it.

I was a gamer. The marriage was not working. Room mate situation. W hated it.

My H is a gamer. When we met 12 years ago I had no idea. He seems to go through waves of hobbies. For a while it's building model airplanes, then it's gaming, then archery, then gaming, drones, gaming, reptiles or fish, mountain biking, gaming. But he doesn't balance these things out, and he's nearly obsessive about them when he's into them - he ideally wants to be doing them in every free moment. Spends a ton of money on these things when he's into them, then drops them either indefinitely or for a significant portion of time (sometimes years). But gaming he always comes back to.

Gaming is not a hobby. I tried to sell that crap to my W. It is an addiction of sorts. I built a boat and some other things. That's a hobby. I settled on one hobby. Classic cars

Each time he is in a gaming spurt it's always 6-12 months, needing to play for hours every day. He'll work, come home late (9 or 10 pm, kids are often in bed already), turn on the games and play for 5-6 hours. Every day. This takes all of his free time, as he stays up so late he can't get up in the mornings until nearly lunch. Goes back to work, repeat.

See, addiction.


He does work very hard. So do I. But I'm also left doing all of the housework, dealing with every aspect of parenting alone, and working full time. Plus being completely disconnected from my H. We are never intimate. When I try to initiate while he's gaming he gets upset I'm interrupting him. So I've stopped. I go to bed alone every night and cry myself to sleep while I listen to him chatting and laughing on his role playing game with strangers. He comes to bed shortly before I wake up for the day.

Oh my...my marriage to a T. W did the same thing. Cry herself to sleep. I was an a$$ for sure.

Our MC has asked us to come up with ideas for a compromise on the gaming front to make this work, as well as for me to try to empathize with his interest in it. I'm hoping to hear from others who've done this. Do you have suggestions for how to work through this? So far I've asked him to come to bed with me twice per week. In the moment when I ask he always says sure. But then he just doesn't do it, never puts it into practice. If I try to verbally remind him about it he gets mad that I'm interrupting his game.

The only thing that will work is your H realizing you are more important than the gaming. Gaming is for the time when there is time. If your H is spending time with you as he should the gaming will become a distant secondary activity that is not sought after. I know...been there and living it now. My W are always together now. Gaming is way down on the list of activity to do when there is time. Save your money on MC. Only when it clicks in your H brain will he change.

Through the journals my therapist recommends I keep in IC I've discovered serious correlations with his hobby waves and our marriage success/level of happiness (or I guess mine). When he is not gaming we have regular sex, we do a lot more family-related activities, we communicate a lot better - we are just more in-tune and involved with each other, which I desperately crave in my relationship. He completely disregards this as not possible, but I'm on my 6th year of daily journals. It's pretty apparent to me. I don't need him to stop completely, I just wish this behaviour wasn't so obsessive. Some balance would be nice.
Your last paragraph..your findings are correct. My gaming took away from the marriage big time. As long as you allow the gaming to his satisfaction your satisfaction in a normal marriage will not be met. The gaming has to stop. I know...I have been your H to a T. You are my W to a T. Fortunate for me I shut the hell up one day and listened to my W's concerns. I put the games away and grew the hell up. And, you must be willing to lose the marriage to save it. My W was.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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post #20 of 62 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 12:40 PM
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Re: Married to a gamer

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Originally Posted by Livvie View Post
I was married to a gamer. 16 years.

Was.
Bingo. ^^^^

Husband needs to be a husband. Not the WARLORD OF THE WASTELANDS in the pixel world of a screen dominating other people from around the world. Husband needs to come back to reality and join the real world. It's part of being married.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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post #21 of 62 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 01:14 PM
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Re: Married to a gamer

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I apologize if I ruffle any feathers, but when I hear that somebody is a "gamer" - I automatically assume they are lazy, lack social skills, have no life prospects, and are for lack of a better word - losers. That has been my experience with them so far anyway. You see it all the time on this board too. As with anything in life, moderation is key.
He he.

I'm world class in Angry Birds and online backgammon, can more than hold my own in Xbox live Halo, yet I'm a semi respectable middle aged professional. I have phenomenal social skills - part of the job - an awesome education and income, and about the best parent I know.

Needless to say, both my girls are video gamers as well as top students in college...

Don't be quick to judge

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post #22 of 62 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 01:25 PM
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Re: Married to a gamer

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He stops gaming.
This.

Step 1) Smash his game system with a hammer

Step 2) Give him an ultimatum. If he buys another one you WILL DIVORCE him.

It's YOU or the game. He ignores you because you LET HIM. You have all the power.

(Background: Former gamer, wasted a few years on a RPG. Will never get sucked in again. They are designed to be NEVER ENDING wastes of time whose sole purpose is to suck money out of your wallet.)

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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post #23 of 62 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 01:50 PM
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Re: Married to a gamer

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He he.

I'm world class in Angry Birds and online backgammon, can more than hold my own in Xbox live Halo, yet I'm a semi respectable middle aged professional. I have phenomenal social skills - part of the job - an awesome education and income, and about the best parent I know.

Needless to say, both my girls are video gamers as well as top students in college...

Don't be quick to judge

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I still game certainly but it is only when time allows. I do not take time to allow gaming. Sometimes my W will binge watch a soap opera and this allows time to play Fallout 4.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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post #24 of 62 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 02:16 PM
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Re: Married to a gamer

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Originally Posted by john117 View Post
He he.

I'm world class in Angry Birds and online backgammon, can more than hold my own in Xbox live Halo, yet I'm a semi respectable middle aged professional. I have phenomenal social skills - part of the job - an awesome education and income, and about the best parent I know.

Needless to say, both my girls are video gamers as well as top students in college...

Don't be quick to judge

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Yeah, but, your girls can't boil an egg. Why didn't you teach them something useful?
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post #25 of 62 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 02:26 PM
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Re: Married to a gamer

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I browsed it, but what was that supposed to tell me? I completely agree with the avg age 35 assessment, which further proves my point. Any adult who spends all their leisure time in front of a television is bound to be coming up short in other more important areas of life such as FAMILY, health, career. I've just seen too many IRL and TAM examples of this. And again to be perfectly honest, the ones I've encountered aren't exactly winning at life. Moderation, kimosabe.
You could say that about anything, you could say that about Facebook, Watching TV or even stamp collecting. It has nothing to do with what the hobby is it has to do with the amount of time. What you said is anyone who is a gamer is a loser and that's ridiculous, especially when that paper said that half the country are gamers.

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post #26 of 62 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 02:33 PM
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Re: Married to a gamer

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Originally Posted by Blondilocks View Post
Yeah, but, your girls can't boil an egg. Why didn't you teach them something useful?
One learned eventually by watching YouTube, and is an excellent cook now. The other... Let's just say she's making frantic inquiries to see if incoming medical students are eligible for university residence halls

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post #27 of 62 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 02:41 PM
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Re: Married to a gamer

Just got an XBox One with my TV purchase from Best Buy. This thread gave me an itch!
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post #28 of 62 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 02:43 PM
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Re: Married to a gamer

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Do you mean the Autism Spectrum? We do eat dinner together, with our two kids, most days. The odd day there is a gymnastics practice or soccer game, and we may be apart. But most of the days we do eat together. It's very nice. We talk with the kids, hear about their days. But as soon as its done I'm left to clean up and get them running to activities and he goes back to work (we are self-employed....if he got up in the mornings to go to work at a normal time, he would NOT have to work in the evenings). Weekends....the idea of cleaning the house together is actually laughable to me, and dating time? Almost never. It is a daily occurence that, after I work hard all day, feed everyone, run the kids to all of their extracurricular activities, etc. I get home at 9 pm and start cleaning the house. He sits on the couch gaming. While I'm running around cleaning, making lunches, prepping for the next day, switching up laundry. I run around him for a couple of hours, then fall into bed exhausted. And the whole time it's like he can't even SEE ME. He also chooses to operate this way seven days per week - meaning he doesn't take a day off. He does the working, home for dinner, working, home to game, sleep till lunch thing every day. To his credit, he DOES work less hours a few days per week - Mondays he and our daughter go to archery together in the evenings, he and our son participate in motocross weekly and spend a fair amount of time in the garage tinkering with cars and dirt bikes and building things. But he never takes an entire day off unless we are out of the country.
Uhh No. You remove this as an option from him.

Do you have access to your Internet router? You can force his XBox to always be assigned the same address (IP address) with the router by using it's hardware (MAC) address. Then you can assign a schedule to that IP address and limit the time he can access the internet with it.

You'd have to change the router password to one he doesn't know so that he couldn't reset it, although he would always be able to fully reset the router back to factory settings with the reset button. There isn't much you can do about that unless you put superglue in the reset button port and glue it in place.
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post #29 of 62 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 02:45 PM
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Re: Married to a gamer

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Well, that is a pretty foolish comment. Here let me educate your ignorance.
I don't think the other posters comment about gamers being socially inadequate losers, nor is it ignorant to suggest that an adult who spends hours upon hours, day after day playing video games to the point that he neglects other important aspects of his life including his significant other isn't a loser.

There is nothing in your provided link that says otherwise.
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post #30 of 62 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 02:53 PM
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Re: Married to a gamer

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Do you mean the Autism Spectrum?
Yes, that is what I meant, sounds like it to me. I have family who works with people who have that and he might fit. He should get tested, or at least you should read about it and see if he fits more of the profile than just what you posted on here.

Regardless what you posted he is a terrible husband (to put it gently). I agree with the other posters you should leave for a while. He needs the come to Jesus moment but honestly if he fixes it, I would still only give him one more chance and if he goes back to those patterns then I would really think if this is how you want to spend the rest of your life. Feeling alone when you are married to me is the same as spouses who are forced to live a celibate lifestyle because your spouse won't have sex. It's just that you are emotionally celibate. Sucks.
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