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post #31 of 62 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 03:31 PM
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Re: Married to a gamer

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I don't think the other posters comment about gamers being socially inadequate losers, nor is it ignorant to suggest that an adult who spends hours upon hours, day after day playing video games to the point that he neglects other important aspects of his life including his significant other isn't a loser.

There is nothing in your provided link that says otherwise.
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when I hear that somebody is a "gamer" - I automatically assume they are lazy, lack social skills, have no life prospects, and are for lack of a better word - losers.
That statement it ignorant, especially when the link I posted says half the country does it, it's also a bigger industry than the movie industry. I apologize if I ruffle any feathers.


Last edited by sokillme; 12-15-2016 at 03:38 PM.
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post #32 of 62 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 03:34 PM
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Re: Married to a gamer

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That statement it ignorant, especially when the link I posted says have the country does it, it's also a bigger industry than the movie industry. I apologize if I ruffle any feathers.
I have no clue what you're talking about when you say "the link I posted says have the country does it" and I don't believe that my statement is ignorant simply because the gaming industry happens to be bigger than the movie industry.

Gambling, alcohol, and tobacco industry happen to be very large too, and that doesn't mean those who pursue those particular habits are any better than socalled gamers.
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post #33 of 62 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 03:42 PM
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Re: Married to a gamer

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I have no clue what you're talking about when you say "the link I posted says have the country does it" and I don't believe that my statement is ignorant simply because the gaming industry happens to be bigger than the movie industry.

Gambling, alcohol, and tobacco industry happen to be very large too, and that doesn't mean those who pursue those particular habits are any better than socalled gamers.
Sorry supposed to say half the country, sometimes I type a word but my fingers type something else.

Here let me break it down for you.

Assuming someone is "lazy, lack social skills, have no life prospects, and are for lack of a better word - losers" because of their hobby is ignorant.

Got it?
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post #34 of 62 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 03:53 PM
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Re: Married to a gamer

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Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
Sorry supposed to say half the country, sometimes I type a word but my fingers type something else.

Here let me break it down for you.

Assuming someone is "lazy, lack social skills, have no life prospects, and are for lack of a better word - losers" because of their hobby is ignorant.

Got it?
Well, sure if you put it that way.

Assuming someone is lazy, lacks social skills and may have little to no chance to progress in their lives, because they play video games all day long, to the exclusion of all else to the point that they are neglecting their marriage and are completely oblivious to their partner who is arguably the most important person in their life, is a reasonable conclusion.
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post #35 of 62 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 03:55 PM
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Re: Married to a gamer

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Well, sure if you put it that way.

Assuming someone is lazy, lacks social skills because they play video games to the exclusion of all else to the point that they are neglecting their marriage, is a reasonable conclusion.
Ahh but that was not what was said. My link basically was to illustrate my point that video games are played by a wide/large variety of people.
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post #36 of 62 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 04:23 PM
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Re: Married to a gamer

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Ahh but that was not what was said. My link basically was to illustrate my point that video games are played by a wide/large variety of people.
You said that you provided the link to educate people who are ignorant because they say gamers are losers, societal misfits, who have no life goals.

Then you say "my link shows how many people are gamers".

I could give you links to AA and drug addiction sites to show you how many alcoholics and drug addicts there are out there but that would prove as little as you did.
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post #37 of 62 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 04:44 PM
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Re: Married to a gamer

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You said that you provided the link to educate people who are ignorant because they say gamers are losers, societal misfits, who have no life goals.

Then you say "my link shows how many people are gamers".

I could give you links to AA and drug addiction sites to show you how many alcoholics and drug addicts there are out there but that would prove as little as you did.
My link points out all the people who game, it's not the stereotypical guy in his mom's basement, it's half the population men and women. If the point is if you are a gamer we should just assume you are a looser than half the population are losers, it's a stupid point with no basis in fact and or ignorant. Most gamers lead very healthy, social, successful lives, stereotyping them as outcasts is a silly old stereotype and very misinformed. I also wouldn't just assume because someone is an alcoholic or drug addict that they are a looser. Anyway, this is not the point of this thread.
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post #38 of 62 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 05:02 PM
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Re: Married to a gamer

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My link points out all the people who game, it's not the stereotypical guy in his mom's basement, it's half the population men and women. If the point is if you are a gamer we should just assume you are a looser than half the population are losers, it's a stupid point with no basis in fact and or ignorant. Most gamers lead very healthy, social, successful lives, stereotyping them as outcasts is a silly old stereotype and very misinformed. I also wouldn't just assume because someone is an alcoholic or drug addict that they are a looser. Anyway, this is not the point of this thread.
Half of all men and women meet the stereotype of the person who is the topic of this thread, in that they play video games until all hours of the night, day after day, to the point that their significant other is posting about how it is destroying their relationship?

I never knew that.
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post #39 of 62 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 01:08 AM
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Re: Married to a gamer

My hubby is a gamer. The very first time I talked to him on the phone back in the nineties he was clacking away at his keyboard playing a game.
I had no idea what that even meant back then...or that it would be something that he would do for the next 23+ years.

The things I have learned are these:
Don't let the game drown out your voice.
You are more important than his game and if he can't see that he is wrong...not you.

If you aren't getting your relationship needs met he needs to know.
Him blaming you is an out and out cop-out tactic.
Don't back down about what you need from him.

Do not get into a war over how much time he games-vs-how much time he does other things.
Ask for what you need. If he doesn't give it to you or care that you need it he is choosing a virtual reality over you.
Call him on it!

Gamers like you are describing your husband don't have a realistic grasp on time.
They actually think that hour was only 15 minutes or that they spent much more time with their family than they really did.

My husband has a self imposed timer...for a while he actually had the wifi shut down at midnight in order to force himself to come to bed.
Now his current game is not online so he has an alarm that goes off at midnight.

But he sees the importance of that because I've told him how lonely I feel without him in bed and what's the use of being married if we don't even sleep together?

Like your H he is social, responsible, and makes a good living.
My H is an introvert and requires a lot of down time or check-out time in order to rejuvenate. It's just that sometimes he gets carried away.

For a long time he didn't think I cared. He assumed that since I was dealing with it that I was fine.
Now I realize that I was letting him off way too easy by not talking to him about how his game playing was effecting me.
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post #40 of 62 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 09:35 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Married to a gamer

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Originally Posted by tigerlily99 View Post
My hubby is a gamer. The very first time I talked to him on the phone back in the nineties he was clacking away at his keyboard playing a game.
I had no idea what that even meant back then...or that it would be something that he would do for the next 23+ years.

The things I have learned are these:
Don't let the game drown out your voice.
You are more important than his game and if he can't see that he is wrong...not you.

If you aren't getting your relationship needs met he needs to know.
Him blaming you is an out and out cop-out tactic.
Don't back down about what you need from him.

Do not get into a war over how much time he games-vs-how much time he does other things.
Ask for what you need. If he doesn't give it to you or care that you need it he is choosing a virtual reality over you.
Call him on it!

Gamers like you are describing your husband don't have a realistic grasp on time.
They actually think that hour was only 15 minutes or that they spent much more time with their family than they really did.

My husband has a self imposed timer...for a while he actually had the wifi shut down at midnight in order to force himself to come to bed.
Now his current game is not online so he has an alarm that goes off at midnight.

But he sees the importance of that because I've told him how lonely I feel without him in bed and what's the use of being married if we don't even sleep together?

Like your H he is social, responsible, and makes a good living.
My H is an introvert and requires a lot of down time or check-out time in order to rejuvenate. It's just that sometimes he gets carried away.

For a long time he didn't think I cared. He assumed that since I was dealing with it that I was fine.
Now I realize that I was letting him off way too easy by not talking to him about how his game playing was effecting me.
Your experience is very valuable to me, tigerlily! I thank you for offering it. It is nice to hear from someone who has made it work! I so admire you and your husband both for being able to communicate your needs and respect each other enough to follow through with providing for them. You describe my H very accurately - he has zero concept of time. He often says he came to bed at 1 or 2 am, when I know it was more like 4 or 5 am. He is often late. He will wait till the very last minute to do things like shower or get ready, and then say it will take him 10 mins to get ready and it takes 30 instead.

Telling him what I need is a major hurdle because we have a massive fundamental communication barrier. When I say "I need...." or "I feel...." he automatically gets defensive and can't handle any input from me at all. He claims I'm always mad, or some other feeling than I SAY I'm feeling. In every discussion we've had over the past year (I have them all recorded), I tell him how I'm feeling, and he says "no - you're lying. you feel (xyz)" instead. When I say "you think I'm mad, but I do not FEEL mad, why do you think that is? What am I doing that makes you think this?" he says "your body language". I've worked hard to employ communication strategies. Sometimes I'm not 100% efficient at it yet. But his reading my body language is a constant problem. Just yesterday I was standing in our master walk in closet, trying to decide on a plan for organizing something. He was there fixing the light switch. He read me standing there in the closet looking around as me impatiently waiting for him to get out of my way, so he got frustrated with me. I wasn't even thinking anything about him or regarding him at all. What was going through my head had nothing to do with him. I didn't say any words (normal, rational people say "excuse me please" if someone is in their way, right?). I just stood vertically looking around the room, one hand in my pocket and one hand hanging at my side. I've become hyper-sensitive of how my body looks in these scenarios as a way to hopefully dispel any false assumptions by him, so I pay a lot of attention.

Yesterday he told me he didn't want to live in misery anymore. I said I didn't either. But, I've been in therapy for two years, read dozens of marriage and communication books, employed tons of strategies for making this better - but it isn't working because I'm doing that all alone. It's like I'm playing on this football team but I'm the only one who knows the play or the strategy. You can't win with only one team mate knowing the play. He has shown no interest in trying any of these things, as to him it's simple: I change how I talk, feel, and act. He says I'm the cause of every single issue, since he's so laid back nothing bothers him, so it must be me making all these problems up. It just feels like such a joke. He sincerely believes none of his behavior impacts me or how I feel at all. Last night I told him that in order for me to be willing to continue I need him to STOP telling me my feelings. It's so disrespectful to have your spouse say "no - you don't feel what you say you feel. You're lying. You feel this instead." Like I don't have the mental capacity to know whats happening in my own head. I NEED that to stop. His response? "Sorry, I can't do that until you stop acting the way you act - your body language says you're mad, so whatever you verbally say doesn't count". But his history of reading my body language is regularly inaccurate, so I'm upset that he's willing to base the entire fundamental of all of our marriage issues on an assumption that I feel a certain way when I'm TELLING him that's not what I feel....ugh. It's so tiring to even think about all of this. For so many years he'd say those things to me, I actually started to believe I must be unstable. I've been assessed for bi-polar and personality disorders because he had me questioning my own sanity. There is no other person in my life who reads my body language and gets it so wrong.

I told him last night. We go to marriage counselling ASAP or after the New Year we need to work up a separation agreement. My initial plan was to give him until June - but it's just enabling him to push the counselling off. I desperately need him to hear me in a neutral zone with an impartial third party present.

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post #41 of 62 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 10:09 AM
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Re: Married to a gamer

You are doing the right thing. I am curious, what was his response? Does he get that you are almost done? That soon you will start to detach if you haven't already? Do you have kids? How old are you?

By the way, I don't think any of your problems come from gaming, they come from his lack of respect and desire to hear your side and work with you as a teammate. Right now he really isn't a husband to you at all. It is going to take a monumental effort for someone like him to change, because in all honesty, he sounds inconsiderate, selfish and controlling. He is basically a child, he thinks like a child, tries to manipulate you like a bad child would.

The thing is everything you are asking for is just the normal stuff in a marital relationship. I will say again though his total lack of social understanding, the lack of the typical normal marital bonding, and his obsessiveness make me think he may be on the spectrum. If so though, this just makes it that much harder.
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post #42 of 62 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 10:40 AM
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Re: Married to a gamer

I agree with the PP that moderation is key, BUT as someone with a wide variety of interests let me tell you I resent my husband at certain points in our lives for being (in comparison to me) so boring. Are you maybe a little jealous that is has more interests and (by default) seems more interesting than you? What are YOUR hobbies?

Obviously he can't be neglecting time with you or the children,b ut sitting on the couch as a couple is boring AF. What do you do together that offers him some entertainment?
I agree with you that he needs tto find some balance, but I'd like to know what it is you do with your free time. I'd rather my husband be a surfer one month and a soccer player the next than a couch potato.
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post #43 of 62 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 12:52 PM
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Re: Married to a gamer

I agree with the poster who questioned if he is on the autism spectrum. My son is high functioning / Aspergers and he's only 13 right now but your husband sounds so much like him! I can't imagine how hard it would be to be married to an adult version of my son. He's so disconnected from other people and much prefers people in games to people IRL. It's lonely enough having a child who is unable to show affection. To have that same behavior coming from the person who is supposed to be your #1 source of support and affection - I don't think I could live with that from a spouse. My son also insists that there is nothing wrong with him and all his problems are caused by others. It's also VERY common for people on the spectrum to have trouble reading others' emotions and body language. My son has gotten in some serious trouble with other kids due to his inability to recognize the non verbal cues that often accompany verbal communication. For example he takes things seriously when others are just joking around, so he gets insulted over what was meant to be a friendly jest.

If you can get him to agree to be tested there are behavioral therapies available, some better than others. But it doesn't sound like he is willing to admit he might have a problem. My only advice to you is to figure out at what point his behavior becomes a deal breaker for you. It kind of sounds like you may already be there.
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post #44 of 62 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 12:54 PM
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Re: Married to a gamer

Both my husband and I are gamers. In fact, my avatar and username are from one of my favorite games. But we rarely play nowadays. Real life takes precedence. We've never put gaming ahead of each other, but if we have a bit of free time it's nice to bond together by playing a game.
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post #45 of 62 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 03:03 PM
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Re: Married to a gamer

I agree with sokillme. He has a complete lack of respect for you. I read what your writing and there are a couple things that stand out. First of all, he has a obsessive personality. I understand bc I do too. My husband doesn't get it, he keeps preaching moderation moderation but that doesn't work for me and for people like your husband. It's either all or nothing. So you can't get advice from people that don't understand obsessive behavior because they will throw moderation which won't work for him and you know it. He needs to stop cold turkey. Maybe later later in the future he can try again.
The other thing is about you. You are very smart and aware of his neglect to your needs, then I see you defending his behavior a little. I think there is some emotional manipulation going on. And everyone's needs are being met except yours. And your making excuses for it. I don't care if he works hard. What about you! You work hard too, and he can't just escape from the world for hours and ignore you. It's 100% inexcusable and not ok. You deserve a real partner. It sounds to be that you are sweet as can be but you have low self esteem.
It seems like he will be able to go on like this forever. Going to therapy, pretending to care, but never changing and continueing this way. It doesn't sound like he is going to get an Epiphany and suddenly change. YOU unfortunelty need to do something drastic to wake his ass up. I personally would throw him gaming system out the window. If it's there he won't stop playing bc he is addicted.
You and your children deserve better. Stop enabling him. You need to be the "*****" and do the right thing. He will hate you right away, but thank you later.
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