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post #46 of 62 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 11:41 PM
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Re: Married to a gamer

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Originally Posted by pygmalioneffect View Post
Your experience is very valuable to me, tigerlily! I thank you for offering it. It is nice to hear from someone who has made it work! I so admire you and your husband both for being able to communicate your needs and respect each other enough to follow through with providing for them. You describe my H very accurately - he has zero concept of time. He often says he came to bed at 1 or 2 am, when I know it was more like 4 or 5 am. He is often late. He will wait till the very last minute to do things like shower or get ready, and then say it will take him 10 mins to get ready and it takes 30 instead.



Telling him what I need is a major hurdle because we have a massive fundamental communication barrier. When I say "I need...." or "I feel...." he automatically gets defensive and can't handle any input from me at all. He claims I'm always mad, or some other feeling than I SAY I'm feeling. In every discussion we've had over the past year (I have them all recorded), I tell him how I'm feeling, and he says "no - you're lying. you feel (xyz)" instead. When I say "you think I'm mad, but I do not FEEL mad, why do you think that is? What am I doing that makes you think this?" he says "your body language". I've worked hard to employ communication strategies. Sometimes I'm not 100% efficient at it yet. But his reading my body language is a constant problem.

From reading your posts it sounds like you and your husband definitely have deeper issues than just the gaming.

It also sounds like you don't have a communication problem, your husband does.
If you did in the past you are clearly addressing it with therapy and learning.

It's weird but my H does that same thing you are describing. Telling me what I'm feeling. I don't get it...but he has improved in this area.
We just came through a very difficult 4 years that has brought about a complete overhaul of our marriage.
If you read my thread there's more to it.

My advice to you is keep finding out who you are and what you need and how to communicate it. If he doesn't respond to that and isn't willing to meet you there then you will need to move on.

I'm sorry for the painful season you are in.

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post #47 of 62 (permalink) Old 12-17-2016, 08:43 AM
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Re: Married to a gamer

I know a bunch of adult gamers btw and none of them is like described here... We are all responsible adults that enjoy gaming rather than TV, golf, sports, etc.

Several of my team at work are gamers and it's not uncommon to be chasing Pokemon during lunch, or for game sound effects to pop up during meetings... But we are all productive and know how to turn it off..

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post #48 of 62 (permalink) Old 12-17-2016, 10:57 AM
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Re: Married to a gamer

My ex and I were big gamers. I grew out of it, after having come to terms with my desire to focus on career and stimuli that gets me out of the house.

I haven't regretted my decision. I was a pc gamer mostly. Lots of resentment associated with my past life and gaming. My rig is now too ancient and my PS has 3 inches of dust on it. I knew that I didn't want to be with another gamer since I lost my drive for it. I wanted a partner that had other hobbies.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #49 of 62 (permalink) Old 12-19-2016, 12:00 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Married to a gamer

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You are doing the right thing. I am curious, what was his response? Does he get that you are almost done? That soon you will start to detach if you haven't already? Do you have kids? How old are you?

By the way, I don't think any of your problems come from gaming, they come from his lack of respect and desire to hear your side and work with you as a teammate. Right now he really isn't a husband to you at all. It is going to take a monumental effort for someone like him to change, because in all honesty, he sounds inconsiderate, selfish and controlling. He is basically a child, he thinks like a child, tries to manipulate you like a bad child would.

The thing is everything you are asking for is just the normal stuff in a marital relationship. I will say again though his total lack of social understanding, the lack of the typical normal marital bonding, and his obsessiveness make me think he may be on the spectrum. If so though, this just makes it that much harder
He is agreeable that neither of us are happy and this needs to change - but I feel he's already more detached than me. He just thinks the change should be me - I'm the one "causing" this to be a problem, so he thinks I should just choose to feel differently, treat him differently. Basically just be fine with however he is. He gets that I'm almost done. I've told him - counselling or separation. That's it. We are sleeping separately as of the last few days. I've told him I just need space. Our kids are 6 and 8. I am 30, he is 37. Honestly I'm not holding out much hope this will work out at this point - childish, selfish behavior doesn't just change at this point in life - he's nearly 40. Becoming very different is unlikely. And that's ok. We will do at least 10 counselling sessions, and hopefully come out knowing we tried everything and we just don't work anymore. I'm hopeful separation can be amicable and respectful. But we will see.

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I agree with the PP that moderation is key, BUT as someone with a wide variety of interests let me tell you I resent my husband at certain points in our lives for being (in comparison to me) so boring. Are you maybe a little jealous that is has more interests and (by default) seems more interesting than you? What are YOUR hobbies?

Obviously he can't be neglecting time with you or the children,b ut sitting on the couch as a couple is boring AF. What do you do together that offers him some entertainment?
I agree with you that he needs tto find some balance, but I'd like to know what it is you do with your free time. I'd rather my husband be a surfer one month and a soccer player the next than a couch potato.
Well - this is a bit laughable to me. Since we own our own business that requires 60-80 hours per week from me (depending on the season), I basically single-parent my kids, and maintain and do ALL of the house work alone - I'm not left with a ton of time to do the things I enjoy. I do practice hot yoga 4 mornings per week (very early), which he refuses to try because he isn't "comfortable in the yoga environment" (his words...). Yoga is a major love for me - my instructor hosts regular "couples yoga" sessions and he won't attend despite my expressing I'd like to share this with him. I also go to the gym the other three days per week. I enjoy being physically active, but I also prioritize this because I want to be healthy. My kids and I enjoy hiking - we try to go at least once a week (some weeks work is too busy and I can't manage, but MOST weeks we hike, even in winter when we often snow-shoe). He doesn't generally join us for this. I enjoy being outside in nature. I walk our dog twice daily alone, despite often asking him to join me. I am in a women's group that meets once per month at different activities, which is my only real opportunity to socialize and enjoy some friends. We do something different each month - paint pottery, games night, bowling, movies, roller-skating at the roller rink, etc. I used to be on a bowling league - no time for that now. I used to be an avid sewist, and was successful for some time in the market-community selling my handmade bags, apparel, and household decor. No time for much sewing anymore either - I make the odd gift or contracted piece but that's all. I'm involved in a local fundraising society that helps low-income families in our community - we meet once a month. The kids and I volunteer at the local food bank 4 or 5 times per year. I volunteer in my kids classrooms a couple of times each month. Add any fun days like heading to the zoo or other attraction, birthday parties or events, and I am pretty busy.

When possible I join H and our Daughter at their weekly archery sessions - but often can't make it if our son has soccer practice or a game. We do all ride bikes together often in the summer months and quite enjoy this. In all honesty - I can't remember sitting on the couch together...in YEARS. The odd time we will watch a movie with the kids as a family, but generally if the TV is on and the kids aren't around, it's him gaming, and I certainly don't sit there and watch it. I'm really not interested in TV much at all. It's not something I seek out as a pass-time for just me, and he doesn't really watch either - he uses it for gaming. Plus there just realistically isn't time for it. My evenings are spent running around cleaning, doing laundry, prepping for the next day, any sports or kids activities, homework, and MAYBE something described in the above paragraph for me. I sleep 5-6 hours per night, then get up early, get the kids out the door, yoga/workout, head to work, work all day, get the kids from school, do homework/chores, feed everyone, get us to all our activities, then head home to clean/laundry/etc. again. I do this 6 days per week. On sundays I don't work - and I use this time to do big jobs around the house (for example, yesterday I painted our bathroom), and spend some time with extended family - we usually have people here for dinner or go to my mom's. Plus - my daughter is a competitive gymnast so at least 1 weekend per month she and I travel to a gym meet out of town. The other weekends she spends a lot of time in training, so I have to get her to and from that. All this running around is made possible only by the fact we are self-employed and I can take off when I need to since there is staff here manning the office. H wakes very late in the morning (sometimes noon), hops into the shower, heads to work till 5, comes home for dinner, goes back to work till 9 or so, comes home to say good night to the kids, and then games till 3 or 4 or 5 am most days. He does take Sundays off, which is when he and our son hang out riding dirt bikes, working in the garage, etc. and monday evenings he takes our daughter to archery. If there is a gym meet or soccer game in town he always makes time for that. Otherwise, what I mentioned above is his daily life.

Overall, I'm pretty low on the totem-pole, but the notion that I'm "boring" probably only applies if you consider that most of the "things" I do are for others or simply required for me to take care of and support both my kids and my child-husband, manage our business and household, and just live day-to-day.

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The other thing is about you. You are very smart and aware of his neglect to your needs, then I see you defending his behavior a little. I think there is some emotional manipulation going on. And everyone's needs are being met except yours. And your making excuses for it. I don't care if he works hard. What about you! You work hard too, and he can't just escape from the world for hours and ignore you. It's 100% inexcusable and not ok. You deserve a real partner. It sounds to be that you are sweet as can be but you have low self esteem.
A real partner would be nice....

Certainly my self esteem has suffered. I used to be very confident and self-assured. It's actually something he mentions regularly, that he was so attracted to me when I was super confident and now that's gone. But honestly, after a decade of this emotional turmoil, feeling regularly like he doesn't physically want me, and being treated like I'm crazy, my self esteem has dropped. The last three years in therapy has really helped with that. I'm working on growing that part of me again.

I guess I really just struggle with understanding the desire to live in the fake-world while those around you, who you supposedly love, are desperate for help, companionship, co-parenting, and interaction with you. I just won't ever get it. It's so not my nature.
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post #50 of 62 (permalink) Old 12-19-2016, 12:17 PM
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Re: Married to a gamer

I was never accusing you of being boring, I was just asking what it is you do. You'd be surprised how many spouses I run into whom accuse their SO of not spending enough time with them or overall judging their hobbies when they're boring AF.

I would draw the line as soon as as I felt like a single parent. No. He's right THERE.

If I were you, I'd straight up write him a list of things he's responsible - and attending a soccer game now and then is one of them. That's a joke. I always wondered what parents do when they're not watching their kids hobbies and gaming is not acceptable, IMO.

In the end, you need to choose how drastic you're going to be about this.
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post #51 of 62 (permalink) Old 12-21-2016, 09:59 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Married to a gamer

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I was never accusing you of being boring, I was just asking what it is you do. You'd be surprised how many spouses I run into whom accuse their SO of not spending enough time with them or overall judging their hobbies when they're boring AF.

I would draw the line as soon as as I felt like a single parent. No. He's right THERE.

If I were you, I'd straight up write him a list of things he's responsible - and attending a soccer game now and then is one of them. That's a joke. I always wondered what parents do when they're not watching their kids hobbies and gaming is not acceptable, IMO.

In the end, you need to choose how drastic you're going to be about this.
No worries Unicorn - I wasn't offended, I just found it funny. The mere thought of seeming boring is laughable to me because I'm SO busy and exhausted from doing SO MANY things all the time that it just doesn't register for me.

In all honesty, I'd give a limb or two to have a few solid, full days to spend just lazing about. Mostly to regain some energy!

I should also clarify - I did say he DOES attend the soccer games and gymnastics meets. But all the practices are on my shoulders to get to (and DD is in practice 16 hours per week), and the general livelihood stuff (like making meals, maintaining the house, cleaning, laundry, homework, etc) is all my job. To be fair I don't think he consciously decides this. I think he just doesn't even consider these things as requirements so they don't even enter his head. He is supportive of his kids - he goes to all their events, parent-teacher interviews, things like that. He is involved in their daily lives. He enjoys being with them. When it comes to ME, though....I'm pretty low priority. He'd rather play video games than have to be around/near/speaking to me. I'm desperate for companionship, conversation, physical and emotional connection, and someone who sees us as a team and appreciates me.

We had a MC session the other day and I talked about a lot of these things. Yesterday he made the effort to wake up at 6:30, help get the kids out the door, and then we went off to work. TOGETHER. Afterwards we came home together, and he helped me get the house ready and prep dinner, as his parents were coming. I was in a state of partial shock all the while. After his parents left I told him that it meant so much to me to have him on my team all day - I told him I really appreciated all of his effort and help, and that he made time to be home with us in the evening instead of at work. It made me feel like he cared about me and it mattered to him that I had so much to do. I told him it felt so great to not feel alone. We spent some time talking about us, and he told me that he was going to try harder to save us. He came to bed at 11:30 (about 30 mins after me), and we cuddled. I'm hopeful that this is a sign of willingness to change, but time will tell. I won't hold my breath after only one day. But it felt so very good.
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post #52 of 62 (permalink) Old 12-21-2016, 12:31 PM
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Re: Married to a gamer

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No worries Unicorn - I wasn't offended, I just found it funny. The mere thought of seeming boring is laughable to me because I'm SO busy and exhausted from doing SO MANY things all the time that it just doesn't register for me.

In all honesty, I'd give a limb or two to have a few solid, full days to spend just lazing about. Mostly to regain some energy!

I should also clarify - I did say he DOES attend the soccer games and gymnastics meets. But all the practices are on my shoulders to get to (and DD is in practice 16 hours per week), and the general livelihood stuff (like making meals, maintaining the house, cleaning, laundry, homework, etc) is all my job. To be fair I don't think he consciously decides this. I think he just doesn't even consider these things as requirements so they don't even enter his head. He is supportive of his kids - he goes to all their events, parent-teacher interviews, things like that. He is involved in their daily lives. He enjoys being with them. When it comes to ME, though....I'm pretty low priority. He'd rather play video games than have to be around/near/speaking to me. I'm desperate for companionship, conversation, physical and emotional connection, and someone who sees us as a team and appreciates me.

We had a MC session the other day and I talked about a lot of these things. Yesterday he made the effort to wake up at 6:30, help get the kids out the door, and then we went off to work. TOGETHER. Afterwards we came home together, and he helped me get the house ready and prep dinner, as his parents were coming. I was in a state of partial shock all the while. After his parents left I told him that it meant so much to me to have him on my team all day - I told him I really appreciated all of his effort and help, and that he made time to be home with us in the evening instead of at work. It made me feel like he cared about me and it mattered to him that I had so much to do. I told him it felt so great to not feel alone. We spent some time talking about us, and he told me that he was going to try harder to save us. He came to bed at 11:30 (about 30 mins after me), and we cuddled. I'm hopeful that this is a sign of willingness to change, but time will tell. I won't hold my breath after only one day. But it felt so very good.
I could just be being very optimistic, but it sounds like he simply needed clear expectations and direction, . I imagine he feels pretty silly now that he's aware of how overworked you feel in comparison to him. I don't know if all men are like this, but my husband is helpful when given direct instructions. If I were to be vague and ask him to please "clean up" before guests arrive (for example) he may go do laundry when it would make much sense to clean the kitchen or something. (Like really, who sees a closet, but everyone will be in your kitchen.) It's tough to navigate because you don't want to seem like you're bossing him around by giving instructions, but if they need to be given in order to get things done then that's what needs to happen.

I'd cut those 16 hours of practice in half. he is now expected to get them to practice half of the time. Or when you're doing that there is a list of other things he needs to do. I hate the word "list" because you don't want him to feel like you're telling him what to do, but if it doesn't "occur" to him to clean up while you're taking the kid(s) to practice then unfortunately you just need to speak up and be clear. Over time, you may be able to just give vague suggestions that he'll pick up on.

It might be useful to post in the Men's section about how to approach the concept of giving your husband direction, chores, etc. without seeming bossy. Heck, I may even post it, lol. It seems useful information to know. I hate telling my husband what to do, but if I don't break it down he won't always get it.
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post #53 of 62 (permalink) Old 12-22-2016, 10:57 PM
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Re: Married to a gamer

I completely concur with the poster above who said your H needs clear direction.
This is what has made huge changes in my M but it took us almost losing it to be able to just speak directly to one another.

I was always feeling the sense of, if I have to ask him to spend x amount of time with me everyday then it's not really him wanting to be me with me but me requiring it.
In the end we came up with very very specific things that work for us as a couple. We had to be willing to keep revisiting it because sometimes I would realize after the fact that I hadn't asked for enough of what I needed in fear of asking too much.

What strikes me about men who game (and perhaps other hobbies too, but I just know this one) is that its so much easier to go and get on the game than it is to face anything in real life. And if real life is not making sense or requiring more than said person feels able to understand or face easily, than the game is a safe and predictable place to go. Where the rules are logical and the there is always a prize at the end for achievement.

It sounds like I'm patronizing, but it's a reality. And even respectable, logical, otherwise functioning, adult men get caught up in: game = easy / real life=hard.

So anyway your man is a gamer so he probably likes to have a user manual, hot keys, and strategies for winning.

Give him some!

Not that you are a game. But you can appeal to his need for predictability and the need for achievement by finding out exactly what you need from him and telling him.

For example-Teamwork: what exactly does teamwork look like for you? As was mentioned above, he takes over half the practices with the kids.
This equals you having some much needed down time...not you filling it with other stuff, but actually taking some time for yourself so that you are rested, and refreshed.
He will also benefit from this.

Time: what time do you want him to come to bed and how often? Maybe he sets a timer ot come to bed at whatever o'clock 5 nights a week...and on two of those nights he goes to bed WITH you.

Or whatever works for you. And there are many different areas that need to be addressed!

In our equation I need face time. Time where he is looking at me, making eye-contact, no distractions, no screens(!). I need, at the very least, half an hour of this every day.
(When I don't get it I start feeling like it's just me running the show again, and I make sure and get my 'fix' as soon as we can.

He needs cuddle time. No talking about serious things, just physical touch.I have to set a timer for myself to remember to give him that...even just 5 minutes a day sometimes makes all the difference to him. but i would never remember to do it if I didn't have a timer set.

What are your love languages?
Most likely your tank is not only on empty but has been for some time...you are probably in a deficit. Let him know that. Tell him the things that you need to feel loved and that you are going to need them in a greater measure for a a while to get back to just breaking even.

Ask him what he needs to feel loved. You mentioned that he feels unhappy too. So he must not be getting his needs met in the M either.

IM glad that he wants to work on it.

Your sense of feeling in awe of all that he was doing with you the other day and then just hoping that maybe things will change but not counting on it, says to me that you've been treading water for a long time and you are not going to put your hope in him again.

So don't, don't expect him to make changes on his own, because he probably doesn't know day-to-day what to do exactly. Make sure that you are actively asking for your needs and not backing down. At the very least give your marriage this chance to actually speak out all the you feel. If he can't handle it then you may part ways. But why not say the truth if you're potentially going to lose it all anyway, right?

It takes time and diligence for real changes to occur. And it takes both parties to be willing to not let things go and to be willing to keep trying.

Im rooting for you!
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post #54 of 62 (permalink) Old 12-22-2016, 11:15 PM
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post #55 of 62 (permalink) Old 12-23-2016, 04:20 AM
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Re: Married to a gamer

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Yesterday he told me he didn't want to live in misery anymore.
Yes, he's got it SO tough being a guest at your hotel and having virtually everything done for his lazy ass but you chewing his food for him while he acts like a pimple-faced teenager playing his video games into the wee hours.

Gosh, how tough that must BE for this poor victim to have to deal with YOU busting your ass day in and day out and picking up all his slack. Poor, poor guy.

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"Sorry, I can't do that until you stop acting the way you act - your body language says you're mad, so whatever you verbally say doesn't count".
He's disordered. If he's THAT incapable of understanding the most basic of human feelings and desires without having to put some ignorant, biased slant on it, then there's really something wrong with this guy. I agree with the other poster who asked if he was on the spectrum.

It's actually quite comical that HE'S the abnormal one yet you're the one who keeps getting tested for bipolar and other disorders.

The wrong one is being tested.

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post #56 of 62 (permalink) Old 12-24-2016, 12:26 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Married to a gamer

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I was always feeling the sense of, if I have to ask him to spend x amount of time with me everyday then it's not really him wanting to be me with me but me requiring it.
In the end we came up with very very specific things that work for us as a couple. We had to be willing to keep revisiting it because sometimes I would realize after the fact that I hadn't asked for enough of what I needed in fear of asking too much.
Yes. This. I'm definitely guilty of this. I completely feel like if I have to beg him to want to spend time with me, then he doesn't really want to. And I deserve to be with someone who does. We talked about this the other day - he says it's not that he doesn't want to spend time with me, its just simple habit and routine to do it this way, so he always falls back to it. To me that's no excuse. But certainly I need to work on being more direct with him in terms of what I need. He always says "I'm not a mind reader!"....I just feel like I'm begging or nagging when I have to ask him to do anything for me. Even when I concentrate on the tone of my voice and my body language being "right".

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What are your love languages?
I'm Acts of Service, he is Quality Time and Words of Affirmation in almost equal measure (quality time is one point higher). I struggle with Quality Time, as he is so detached from me, and words of affirmation are tough when I feel invisible and unimportant to him. I do regularly try to tell him I appreciate how hard he works to keep our business successful, and any time he does lift a finger around here I really do let him know what a huge help it was and how great it makes me feel to have his help. He doesn't know or care to learn what my love language is. I've asked him.

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Make sure that you are actively asking for your needs and not backing down. At the very least give your marriage this chance to actually speak out all the you feel.
My therapist does say this to me regularly, and I'm definitely trying. This last few days I've been giving him a list of things I really need his help with to get ready for Christmas. He's done everything on the lists and mentioned that he likes having the clear direction. I also told him I need him to come to bed with me at least twice per week, which he's done for the past two nights in a row. He did ask me if I would be willing to play his game with him and I'm hesitant...but isn't this supposed to be compromising? He says this is something he would enjoy. I'm considering humoring him there....but we will see. It's going to be a long road....but maybe there is hope.

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It's more than just being a gamer.
Yes. I completely agree. The link you shared is so very sad to me. Thousands of people reaching out for help and understanding. I just can't even imagine it. My husband doesn't play that game specifically, but I think the premise is still the same.

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Yes, he's got it SO tough being a guest at your hotel and having virtually everything done for his lazy ass but you chewing his food for him while he acts like a pimple-faced teenager playing his video games into the wee hours.

Gosh, how tough that must BE for this poor victim to have to deal with YOU busting your ass day in and day out and picking up all his slack. Poor, poor guy.
This is often how I feel if I'm honest. I have so much resentment that he can't just behave like a normal adult. There are SO MANY days when I just think - I could easily find a MAN who would love to be with me, who would be on my team and want to be here. Why am I wasting my time here? But then, I see my kids and our business and all the life we have together and it looks a lot less clear....

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He's disordered. If he's THAT incapable of understanding the most basic of human feelings and desires without having to put some ignorant, biased slant on it, then there's really something wrong with this guy. I agree with the other poster who asked if he was on the spectrum.

It's actually quite comical that HE'S the abnormal one yet you're the one who keeps getting tested for bipolar and other disorders.

The wrong one is being tested.
I do think he suffers from some kind of personality disorder, or a combination of more than one. But, there isn't much likelihood of determining that through testing while he believes he is perfectly normal. I'm hopeful MC will help him see some of this. Honestly, if that doesn't happen, I think I'm out. Regardless. I just can't bear to spend 50 more years with someone who can't see themselves AT ALL. Like not even a little.
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post #57 of 62 (permalink) Old 12-27-2016, 09:55 AM
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Re: Married to a gamer

Restrict gaming to offline only

We all know what happens in online games:


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post #58 of 62 (permalink) Old 12-27-2016, 02:50 PM
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Re: Married to a gamer

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Originally Posted by pygmalioneffect View Post
He is agreeable that neither of us are happy and this needs to change - but I feel he's already more detached than me. He just thinks the change should be me - I'm the one "causing" this to be a problem, so he thinks I should just choose to feel differently, treat him differently. Basically just be fine with however he is. He gets that I'm almost done. I've told him - counselling or separation. That's it. We are sleeping separately as of the last few days. I've told him I just need space. Our kids are 6 and 8. I am 30, he is 37. Honestly I'm not holding out much hope this will work out at this point - childish, selfish behavior doesn't just change at this point in life - he's nearly 40. Becoming very different is unlikely. And that's ok. We will do at least 10 counselling sessions, and hopefully come out knowing we tried everything and we just don't work anymore. I'm hopeful separation can be amicable and respectful. But we will see.



Well - this is a bit laughable to me. Since we own our own business that requires 60-80 hours per week from me (depending on the season), I basically single-parent my kids, and maintain and do ALL of the house work alone - I'm not left with a ton of time to do the things I enjoy. I do practice hot yoga 4 mornings per week (very early), which he refuses to try because he isn't "comfortable in the yoga environment" (his words...). Yoga is a major love for me - my instructor hosts regular "couples yoga" sessions and he won't attend despite my expressing I'd like to share this with him. I also go to the gym the other three days per week. I enjoy being physically active, but I also prioritize this because I want to be healthy. My kids and I enjoy hiking - we try to go at least once a week (some weeks work is too busy and I can't manage, but MOST weeks we hike, even in winter when we often snow-shoe). He doesn't generally join us for this. I enjoy being outside in nature. I walk our dog twice daily alone, despite often asking him to join me. I am in a women's group that meets once per month at different activities, which is my only real opportunity to socialize and enjoy some friends. We do something different each month - paint pottery, games night, bowling, movies, roller-skating at the roller rink, etc. I used to be on a bowling league - no time for that now. I used to be an avid sewist, and was successful for some time in the market-community selling my handmade bags, apparel, and household decor. No time for much sewing anymore either - I make the odd gift or contracted piece but that's all. I'm involved in a local fundraising society that helps low-income families in our community - we meet once a month. The kids and I volunteer at the local food bank 4 or 5 times per year. I volunteer in my kids classrooms a couple of times each month. Add any fun days like heading to the zoo or other attraction, birthday parties or events, and I am pretty busy.

When possible I join H and our Daughter at their weekly archery sessions - but often can't make it if our son has soccer practice or a game. We do all ride bikes together often in the summer months and quite enjoy this. In all honesty - I can't remember sitting on the couch together...in YEARS. The odd time we will watch a movie with the kids as a family, but generally if the TV is on and the kids aren't around, it's him gaming, and I certainly don't sit there and watch it. I'm really not interested in TV much at all. It's not something I seek out as a pass-time for just me, and he doesn't really watch either - he uses it for gaming. Plus there just realistically isn't time for it. My evenings are spent running around cleaning, doing laundry, prepping for the next day, any sports or kids activities, homework, and MAYBE something described in the above paragraph for me. I sleep 5-6 hours per night, then get up early, get the kids out the door, yoga/workout, head to work, work all day, get the kids from school, do homework/chores, feed everyone, get us to all our activities, then head home to clean/laundry/etc. again. I do this 6 days per week. On sundays I don't work - and I use this time to do big jobs around the house (for example, yesterday I painted our bathroom), and spend some time with extended family - we usually have people here for dinner or go to my mom's. Plus - my daughter is a competitive gymnast so at least 1 weekend per month she and I travel to a gym meet out of town. The other weekends she spends a lot of time in training, so I have to get her to and from that. All this running around is made possible only by the fact we are self-employed and I can take off when I need to since there is staff here manning the office. H wakes very late in the morning (sometimes noon), hops into the shower, heads to work till 5, comes home for dinner, goes back to work till 9 or so, comes home to say good night to the kids, and then games till 3 or 4 or 5 am most days. He does take Sundays off, which is when he and our son hang out riding dirt bikes, working in the garage, etc. and monday evenings he takes our daughter to archery. If there is a gym meet or soccer game in town he always makes time for that. Otherwise, what I mentioned above is his daily life.

Overall, I'm pretty low on the totem-pole, but the notion that I'm "boring" probably only applies if you consider that most of the "things" I do are for others or simply required for me to take care of and support both my kids and my child-husband, manage our business and household, and just live day-to-day.



A real partner would be nice....

Certainly my self esteem has suffered. I used to be very confident and self-assured. It's actually something he mentions regularly, that he was so attracted to me when I was super confident and now that's gone. But honestly, after a decade of this emotional turmoil, feeling regularly like he doesn't physically want me, and being treated like I'm crazy, my self esteem has dropped. The last three years in therapy has really helped with that. I'm working on growing that part of me again.

I guess I really just struggle with understanding the desire to live in the fake-world while those around you, who you supposedly love, are desperate for help, companionship, co-parenting, and interaction with you. I just won't ever get it. It's so not my nature.
Good lord...it is exhausting just reading that list of go-go-go. All else aside, have you considered dialing the schedule back a bit?

"Let's never stop having sex. We're so good at it, we OWE it to sex to never stop having it."
-My wife
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post #59 of 62 (permalink) Old 01-08-2017, 06:04 PM
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post #60 of 62 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 09:07 AM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tigerlily99 View Post
@pygmalioneffect how are things?
My absence has been the result of being very busy. Honestly we aren't in a great place. He's not interested in MC and is very detached. In a basic conversation the other day his sarcastic hurtful comments came back out and I reminded him that when he talks to me that way it really hurts me, and I've been asking him for a decade now to stop the ignorant, sarcastic, cutting remarks. He plainly said "I don't care how you feel and I'd say the same sentence a million times over again if I had the choice". Such a small moment, but a huge mental turning point for me. Just the basic admission that he simply couldn't give to flying ****s about hurting me. That's a pretty clear statement to me that he's done. The pure loathing in his face just made it all click for me. I am now making plans to move to separation. I'm meeting with a lawyer for advice next week. It may take 6 months or so to get things orchestrated. But. The ball is rolling now.
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