You are doing the right thing. I am curious, what was his response? Does he get that you are almost done? That soon you will start to detach if you haven't already? Do you have kids? How old are you?
By the way, I don't think any of your problems come from gaming, they come from his lack of respect and desire to hear your side and work with you as a teammate. Right now he really isn't a husband to you at all. It is going to take a monumental effort for someone like him to change, because in all honesty, he sounds inconsiderate, selfish and controlling. He is basically a child, he thinks like a child, tries to manipulate you like a bad child would.
The thing is everything you are asking for is just the normal stuff in a marital relationship. I will say again though his total lack of social understanding, the lack of the typical normal marital bonding, and his obsessiveness make me think he may be on the spectrum. If so though, this just makes it that much harder
He is agreeable that neither of us are happy and this needs to change - but I feel he's already more detached than me. He just thinks the change should be me - I'm the one "causing" this to be a problem, so he thinks I should just choose to feel differently, treat him differently. Basically just be fine with however he is. He gets that I'm almost done. I've told him - counselling or separation. That's it. We are sleeping separately as of the last few days. I've told him I just need space. Our kids are 6 and 8. I am 30, he is 37. Honestly I'm not holding out much hope this will work out at this point - childish, selfish behavior doesn't just change at this point in life - he's nearly 40. Becoming very different is unlikely. And that's ok. We will do at least 10 counselling sessions, and hopefully come out knowing we tried everything and we just don't work anymore. I'm hopeful separation can be amicable and respectful. But we will see.
I agree with the PP that moderation is key, BUT as someone with a wide variety of interests let me tell you I resent my husband at certain points in our lives for being (in comparison to me) so boring. Are you maybe a little jealous that is has more interests and (by default) seems more interesting than you? What are YOUR hobbies?
Obviously he can't be neglecting time with you or the children,b ut sitting on the couch as a couple is boring AF. What do you do together that offers him some entertainment?
I agree with you that he needs tto find some balance, but I'd like to know what it is you do with your free time. I'd rather my husband be a surfer one month and a soccer player the next than a couch potato.
Well - this is a bit laughable to me. Since we own our own business that requires 60-80 hours per week from me (depending on the season), I basically single-parent my kids, and maintain and do ALL of the house work alone - I'm not left with a ton of time to do the things I enjoy. I do practice hot yoga 4 mornings per week (very early), which he refuses to try because he isn't "comfortable in the yoga environment" (his words...). Yoga is a major love for me - my instructor hosts regular "couples yoga" sessions and he won't attend despite my expressing I'd like to share this with him. I also go to the gym the other three days per week. I enjoy being physically active, but I also prioritize this because I want to be healthy. My kids and I enjoy hiking - we try to go at least once a week (some weeks work is too busy and I can't manage, but MOST weeks we hike, even in winter when we often snow-shoe). He doesn't generally join us for this. I enjoy being outside in nature. I walk our dog twice daily alone, despite often asking him to join me. I am in a women's group that meets once per month at different activities, which is my only real opportunity to socialize and enjoy some friends. We do something different each month - paint pottery, games night, bowling, movies, roller-skating at the roller rink, etc. I used to be on a bowling league - no time for that now. I used to be an avid sewist, and was successful for some time in the market-community selling my handmade bags, apparel, and household decor. No time for much sewing anymore either - I make the odd gift or contracted piece but that's all. I'm involved in a local fundraising society that helps low-income families in our community - we meet once a month. The kids and I volunteer at the local food bank 4 or 5 times per year. I volunteer in my kids classrooms a couple of times each month. Add any fun days like heading to the zoo or other attraction, birthday parties or events, and I am pretty busy.
When possible I join H and our Daughter at their weekly archery sessions - but often can't make it if our son has soccer practice or a game. We do all ride bikes together often in the summer months and quite enjoy this. In all honesty - I can't remember sitting on the couch together...in YEARS. The odd time we will watch a movie with the kids as a family, but generally if the TV is on and the kids aren't around, it's him gaming, and I certainly don't sit there and watch it. I'm really not interested in TV much at all. It's not something I seek out as a pass-time for just me, and he doesn't really watch either - he uses it for gaming. Plus there just realistically isn't time for it. My evenings are spent running around cleaning, doing laundry, prepping for the next day, any sports or kids activities, homework, and MAYBE something described in the above paragraph for me. I sleep 5-6 hours per night, then get up early, get the kids out the door, yoga/workout, head to work, work all day, get the kids from school, do homework/chores, feed everyone, get us to all our activities, then head home to clean/laundry/etc. again. I do this 6 days per week. On sundays I don't work - and I use this time to do big jobs around the house (for example, yesterday I painted our bathroom), and spend some time with extended family - we usually have people here for dinner or go to my mom's. Plus - my daughter is a competitive gymnast so at least 1 weekend per month she and I travel to a gym meet out of town. The other weekends she spends a lot of time in training, so I have to get her to and from that. All this running around is made possible only by the fact we are self-employed and I can take off when I need to since there is staff here manning the office. H wakes very late in the morning (sometimes noon), hops into the shower, heads to work till 5, comes home for dinner, goes back to work till 9 or so, comes home to say good night to the kids, and then games till 3 or 4 or 5 am most days. He does take Sundays off, which is when he and our son hang out riding dirt bikes, working in the garage, etc. and monday evenings he takes our daughter to archery. If there is a gym meet or soccer game in town he always makes time for that. Otherwise, what I mentioned above is his daily life.
Overall, I'm pretty low on the totem-pole, but the notion that I'm "boring" probably only applies if you consider that most of the "things" I do are for others or simply required for me to take care of and support both my kids and my child-husband, manage our business and household, and just live day-to-day.
The other thing is about you. You are very smart and aware of his neglect to your needs, then I see you defending his behavior a little. I think there is some emotional manipulation going on. And everyone's needs are being met except yours. And your making excuses for it. I don't care if he works hard. What about you! You work hard too, and he can't just escape from the world for hours and ignore you. It's 100% inexcusable and not ok. You deserve a real partner. It sounds to be that you are sweet as can be but you have low self esteem.
A real partner would be nice....
Certainly my self esteem has suffered. I used to be very confident and self-assured. It's actually something he mentions regularly, that he was so attracted to me when I was super confident and now that's gone. But honestly, after a decade of this emotional turmoil, feeling regularly like he doesn't physically want me, and being treated like I'm crazy, my self esteem has dropped. The last three years in therapy has really helped with that. I'm working on growing that part of me again.
I guess I really just struggle with understanding the desire to live in the fake-world while those around you, who you supposedly love, are desperate for help, companionship, co-parenting, and interaction with you. I just won't ever get it. It's so not my nature.