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post #61 of 62 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 07:28 PM
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Re: Married to a gamer

Originally Posted by pygmalioneffect View Post
But he doesn't balance these things out, and he's nearly obsessive about them when he's into them [hobbies]
I'll be Captain Obvious and state that this is the heart of the problem, as likely has been already said by many others on this thread. It doesn't matter if your husband has hobbies, or if these hobbies include playing video games. These are not problems. Him not being able to balance hobbies with a personal, professional, and family life is the real problem.

You should focus your energies at making him balanced through hard limits. Set boundaries and expectations with your husband to cut his gaming binges down to reasonable proportions; if he really devotes this much time to it (5-6 hr/night, every night), gaming has become an unhealthy addiction for him and you are doing the right thing by seeking advice and being worried.

Here's my proposal: Articulate that you need him to be more available for you and the kids, and try to create structure in your weekly schedule to this end. Tell him you feel neglected, and that you need date night every week. Tell him that you need help with the kids some mornings, and it can't be that he sleeps in every day. In general, fill up more of his time with couple activities (including sex), as well as family activities on his day's off. If he has huge blocks of time, he'll fill them with gaming unless you fill part of that space with something else.

I do think your husband is entitled to game as a hobby, but in a lesser capacity (1-2 hours most nights) than he does currently. Multiplayer gaming may even be fulfilling a social experience for your husband. Bearing these things in mind, you wouldn't want to wean him off the hobby completely (would likely lead to resentment). Just be way more assertive and work toward getting him to being better at turning off the damn game and directing more attention to his family.

He will likely get mad at you for challenging his priorities; he likely sees his habit very differently than you. Don't let this deter you in the least! Relentlessly communicate yourself to him until he understands. If his habit continues, it will hurt you more and more, so you must do everything possible to strike a compromise with your husband before considering other (more serious) options, like counseling, temporary separation, or divorce.

Hope this helps. Good luck!

Last edited by _anonymous_; 04-13-2017 at 07:25 AM.
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post #62 of 62 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 07:47 PM
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Re: Married to a gamer

Originally Posted by pygmalioneffect View Post
My absence has been the result of being very busy. Honestly we aren't in a great place. He's not interested in MC and is very detached. In a basic conversation the other day his sarcastic hurtful comments came back out and I reminded him that when he talks to me that way it really hurts me, and I've been asking him for a decade now to stop the ignorant, sarcastic, cutting remarks. He plainly said "I don't care how you feel and I'd say the same sentence a million times over again if I had the choice". Such a small moment, but a huge mental turning point for me. Just the basic admission that he simply couldn't give to flying ****s about hurting me. That's a pretty clear statement to me that he's done. The pure loathing in his face just made it all click for me. I am now making plans to move to separation. I'm meeting with a lawyer for advice next week. It may take 6 months or so to get things orchestrated. But. The ball is rolling now.
Ouch, I'm sorry. I know that hurt.
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