He seems to be an obsessive person in general. I would hazard a guess you were one of his obsessions in the early dating days, and you loved it, but had no idea that he had cyclical patterns of moving from one obsession to another.
Definitely yes to this. I wouldn't say I loved it...more that I thought he was just really into me. We both worked a lot and I was also in University, so we didn't have a ton of free time, but the time we did have we spent together, and was always enjoyable and positive. I took his desire to be with me as his sincere positive feelings for me. All these years later, and with help from my therapist, I've realized that instead it's likely his obsessive nature had him wanting to be around me, and his feelings for ME in general were a lot less strong.
Miss a few nights and you fall behind your gaming buddies. The sense of achievement or leetness is alluring, and for someone in a dull real life, it can easily substitute for lack of achievement or status in real life. Not to mention that online, spouses are often portrayed as the spoilsport ball and chain who takes the gamer away from the fun, and that mentality can creep into a gamer's attitude about their relationship.
I do notice he gets stressed out about this at times. For example, we were gone on a tropical vacation last month for 10 days. He commented multiple times while we were gone that he wished he could play so he didn't "fall behind". I don't even know what that means, and I resent the fact that we had a chance to be together, with our kids, romantic, focus on our family without any distractions, and all he wanted was the distractions.
This is beyond fix right now. You have enabled him long enough. The only way to save your marriage is to end it. There is no other way. You have to be willing to leave him, let him get himself out of this and then decided that, if he ever does, whether you will take him back.
This kind of gaming is an addiction and you deserve better than this.
This is what I was afraid of. I don't know how to explain it to him. When we discuss the whole gaming thing and its impact on our relationship he dismisses it as "just another thing to fight about". He claims that I fabricate issues because I enjoy negativity and conflict. This could not be further from the truth. When I respond with comments that that is not actually how I feel he says "you're lying. I know you. You just WANT to fight about ANYTHING". When I try to remove it from ME and say "H, does it seem logical that any sane person would WANT to create problems within their relationship?" he says no. Therefore I'm crazy.
When I tell him that I'm lonely and desperate for our relationship to be more intimate and connected he says that he isn't motivated to be intimate and loving and connected with someone who is miserable and just wants to fight all the time. He requires that I change, and just accept him exactly as he is, in order to expect him to WANT intimacy.
Sounds like he may be on the spectrum. You need to give him the come to Jesus moment before you are done and one day just up and leave him or worst of all get in a position where you want to go against your morals.
You could call me a gamer so I want to you give you and idea of how I am. First of all my wife and I always sit and eat dinner together every night then we spend at least an hour doing different things. I actually wish we would spend more time together but she is a morning person so we are still working on that. After she goes to be say around 10 or so, I then will game for a few hours or do other hobbies. Post on here a little, read stuff, and if there is a game I am playing at the moment I do that. I then go to bed late.
We usually do a bunch of stuff on the weekend and besides doing all the catch up work that is necessary, like cleaning the house and stuff, weekends are kind of our dating time. Again unless it's a slow day, which happens, I am not on my computer or gaming. Even so it is only for a few hours because we almost always go get dinner or see a movie or some sort of date thing. I do game or something again when she goes to sleep.
Also we go on trips and vacations where I am not doing any of my hobbies and I never feel like I am missing out.
Here is the thing, if my wife told me she went to bed every night crying in loneliness I would be beyond crushed.
Do you at least eat dinner together? Try doing that without any devices or distractions. Just sit at the table and talk and eat.
Do you mean the Autism Spectrum? We do eat dinner together, with our two kids, most days. The odd day there is a gymnastics practice or soccer game, and we may be apart. But most of the days we do eat together. It's very nice. We talk with the kids, hear about their days. But as soon as its done I'm left to clean up and get them running to activities and he goes back to work (we are self-employed....if he got up in the mornings to go to work at a normal time, he would NOT have to work in the evenings). Weekends....the idea of cleaning the house together is actually laughable to me, and dating time? Almost never. It is a daily occurence that, after I work hard all day, feed everyone, run the kids to all of their extracurricular activities, etc. I get home at 9 pm and start cleaning the house. He sits on the couch gaming. While I'm running around cleaning, making lunches, prepping for the next day, switching up laundry. I run around him for a couple of hours, then fall into bed exhausted. And the whole time it's like he can't even SEE ME. He also chooses to operate this way seven days per week - meaning he doesn't take a day off. He does the working, home for dinner, working, home to game, sleep till lunch thing every day. To his credit, he DOES work less hours a few days per week - Mondays he and our daughter go to archery together in the evenings, he and our son participate in motocross weekly and spend a fair amount of time in the garage tinkering with cars and dirt bikes and building things. But he never takes an entire day off unless we are out of the country.
I've told him I'm lonely, but not that I'm crying myself to sleep. He gets SO defensive if I'm crying. Like he can't handle that he made me obviously feel badly. He shifts the blame, says I'm doing it to myself, etc. So that he doesn't have to feel bad. Honestly it would just create more heartache for me if I told him.
A good friend of my husbands is also a gamer. They have children and her "rule" is that he can't play games until the kids are in bed. You may want to consider this for your household. If he's not able to do a balance, then he should stop all together.
He doesn't play when the kids are awake or around.
You married a loser.
I lol'd at this. It's interesting to me that he portrays this different person. We are business owners, to outsiders he looks so devoted and hard working (they think he works 12-14 hours per day, no one really knows he sleeps till noon-ish daily), we are comfortable financially. He is physically attractive, lean, fit (our business does keep him physically active). He is a good dad in the sense that he really loves our kids. He's there for them, cultivates time and relationships with them. He's open and always happy to listen to them. He supports them at gymnastics meets and soccer games and school events. I have girlfriends who often tell me they'd love a husband like him.
I want to add that I play video games just like many others. I know what happens to you and I know the depths you can sink in order to continue playing.
There are basically 3 types of games. Single player, at home multi-player, and online multiplayer. The first two types aren't an issue and are about managing time correctly together. If I want to get the new Zelda game and play it through, then, it's more about the game than the addiction and you can balance life with that. If I like having some buddies over to play a shooter or sports game, then that can be managed too. If I am engrossed in an online multiplayer game, then I have an addiction. I am not saying they are all bad, but they feed into negative instincts and desires of people. You can't shame them out and you can't debate them out. They think about it when they are with you. It is a mistress to them. They need to come to the conclusion that losing everything is worse than getting that upgraded weapon, or skill or whatever.
He is playing online multiplayer games. He used to play on his PC, but 4 months ago he came home with a brand new x-box. It's been that ever since.
I think for me the most difficult part is when I try to talk to him about this, his regular rebuttal is just that he doesn't feel like being around someone so negative, so its his way of escaping from me. I've asked him why he doesn't just leave. His response is always "the kids and the business". Basically, he can't stand me and he needs gaming as a way to get away from me.
We have tons of issues, so I'll link to my original thread....but it's long and winded. At a loss, need to vent....
I guess my main motivation behind this separate post was to see - there MUST be some gamers out there who are happily married? Are they married to fellow gamers? If not, what are the compromises or strategies they find makes their marriage AND their gaming work together? How do they make daily life work....so I appreciate the input of Herschel and sokillme. Thank you.
When our MC asked us to come up with suggestions for how to work through this H's suggestion was to get another TV....currently we only have the one. He figures if we put one in our bedroom I can watch it at night and not be lonely.....
so that's a pretty clear indication of how much my feelings on this matter to him.