Married to a gamer - Talk About Marriage
General Relationship Discussion Although anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.

User Tag List

 62Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #1 of 62 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 07:54 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
pygmalioneffect's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 45
Married to a gamer

I'm interested to hear how others who are married to gamers make it work, specifically when one partner hasn't ever been involved or interested in it.

My H is a gamer. When we met 12 years ago I had no idea. He seems to go through waves of hobbies. For a while it's building model airplanes, then it's gaming, then archery, then gaming, drones, gaming, reptiles or fish, mountain biking, gaming. But he doesn't balance these things out, and he's nearly obsessive about them when he's into them - he ideally wants to be doing them in every free moment. Spends a ton of money on these things when he's into them, then drops them either indefinitely or for a significant portion of time (sometimes years). But gaming he always comes back to.

Each time he is in a gaming spurt it's always 6-12 months, needing to play for hours every day. He'll work, come home late (9 or 10 pm, kids are often in bed already), turn on the games and play for 5-6 hours. Every day. This takes all of his free time, as he stays up so late he can't get up in the mornings until nearly lunch. Goes back to work, repeat.

He does work very hard. So do I. But I'm also left doing all of the housework, dealing with every aspect of parenting alone, and working full time. Plus being completely disconnected from my H. We are never intimate. When I try to initiate while he's gaming he gets upset I'm interrupting him. So I've stopped. I go to bed alone every night and cry myself to sleep while I listen to him chatting and laughing on his role playing game with strangers. He comes to bed shortly before I wake up for the day.

Our MC has asked us to come up with ideas for a compromise on the gaming front to make this work, as well as for me to try to empathize with his interest in it. I'm hoping to hear from others who've done this. Do you have suggestions for how to work through this? So far I've asked him to come to bed with me twice per week. In the moment when I ask he always says sure. But then he just doesn't do it, never puts it into practice. If I try to verbally remind him about it he gets mad that I'm interrupting his game.

Through the journals my therapist recommends I keep in IC I've discovered serious correlations with his hobby waves and our marriage success/level of happiness (or I guess mine). When he is not gaming we have regular sex, we do a lot more family-related activities, we communicate a lot better - we are just more in-tune and involved with each other, which I desperately crave in my relationship. He completely disregards this as not possible, but I'm on my 6th year of daily journals. It's pretty apparent to me. I don't need him to stop completely, I just wish this behaviour wasn't so obsessive. Some balance would be nice.

pygmalioneffect is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 62 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 08:38 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 934
Re: Married to a gamer

He seems to be an obsessive person in general. I would hazard a guess you were one of his obsessions in the early dating days, and you loved it, but had no idea that he had cyclical patterns of moving from one obsession to another.

Compared to his other hobbies, though, gaming is much less solitary. He probably feels that if he takes a night off, or quits early, or doesn't show up the next night like he arranged, that he's letting down the people he's playing with. If they are strangers, he worries more about disappointing them than he does disappointing you, because he's got years of proof that you stick around no matter how disappointed you are. Or maybe he's in a clan and they aren't strangers, but people he cares about and is connected to even though he has never met them in real life, and he feels they rely on him and won't be able to have fun if he's missing. Whereas you appear completely self-sufficient to his perspective.

He's getting a dopamine hit from gaming, similar to the pleasure he got from achievements in his other hobbies, but games are designed to be insidiously endless, to keep people playing, and thus paying. Achieve one thing, the next level is waiting. Miss a few nights and you fall behind your gaming buddies. The sense of achievement or leetness is alluring, and for someone in a dull real life, it can easily substitute for lack of achievement or status in real life. Not to mention that online, spouses are often portrayed as the spoilsport ball and chain who takes the gamer away from the fun, and that mentality can creep into a gamer's attitude about their relationship.

I think you have to schedule your time with him. Tell him that he can play as much as he likes on certain nights, but on others, he's busy and he has to tell his friends he won't touch the console or PC on those nights and not to expect him. If you aren't awake or home yet to spend the time with, he still has to not touch the game, but instead find something else productive around the house to do, ie, housework.

Otherwise, you might have to wait to catch him in a good mood, away from the game, and just honestly ask him if he thinks playing 5-6 hours a night is the way a good husband and father should behave. He's missing out on his children's lives, waking up after they've gone to school/daycare and coming home after they're asleep. He's sabotaging his relationship because as you have no doubt noticed, you're so busy being his mother you can't be his lover. If he wants to be a single gamer guy behaving like an entitled teenager, tell him to get an apartment and move out.

Last edited by Hopeful Cynic; 12-14-2016 at 11:03 PM.
Hopeful Cynic is offline  
post #3 of 62 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 10:29 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 1,799
Re: Married to a gamer

This is beyond fix right now. You have enabled him long enough. The only way to save your marriage is to end it. There is no other way. You have to be willing to leave him, let him get himself out of this and then decided that, if he ever does, whether you will take him back.

This kind of gaming is an addiction and you deserve better than this.
Herschel is online now  
 
post #4 of 62 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 10:52 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 3,998
Re: Married to a gamer

Quote:
Originally Posted by pygmalioneffect View Post
I'm interested to hear how others who are married to gamers make it work, specifically when one partner hasn't ever been involved or interested in it.

My H is a gamer. When we met 12 years ago I had no idea. He seems to go through waves of hobbies. For a while it's building model airplanes, then it's gaming, then archery, then gaming, drones, gaming, reptiles or fish, mountain biking, gaming. But he doesn't balance these things out, and he's nearly obsessive about them when he's into them - he ideally wants to be doing them in every free moment. Spends a ton of money on these things when he's into them, then drops them either indefinitely or for a significant portion of time (sometimes years). But gaming he always comes back to.

Each time he is in a gaming spurt it's always 6-12 months, needing to play for hours every day. He'll work, come home late (9 or 10 pm, kids are often in bed already), turn on the games and play for 5-6 hours. Every day. This takes all of his free time, as he stays up so late he can't get up in the mornings until nearly lunch. Goes back to work, repeat.

He does work very hard. So do I. But I'm also left doing all of the housework, dealing with every aspect of parenting alone, and working full time. Plus being completely disconnected from my H. We are never intimate. When I try to initiate while he's gaming he gets upset I'm interrupting him. So I've stopped. I go to bed alone every night and cry myself to sleep while I listen to him chatting and laughing on his role playing game with strangers. He comes to bed shortly before I wake up for the day.

Our MC has asked us to come up with ideas for a compromise on the gaming front to make this work, as well as for me to try to empathize with his interest in it. I'm hoping to hear from others who've done this. Do you have suggestions for how to work through this? So far I've asked him to come to bed with me twice per week. In the moment when I ask he always says sure. But then he just doesn't do it, never puts it into practice. If I try to verbally remind him about it he gets mad that I'm interrupting his game.

Through the journals my therapist recommends I keep in IC I've discovered serious correlations with his hobby waves and our marriage success/level of happiness (or I guess mine). When he is not gaming we have regular sex, we do a lot more family-related activities, we communicate a lot better - we are just more in-tune and involved with each other, which I desperately crave in my relationship. He completely disregards this as not possible, but I'm on my 6th year of daily journals. It's pretty apparent to me. I don't need him to stop completely, I just wish this behaviour wasn't so obsessive. Some balance would be nice.
Sounds like he may be on the spectrum. You need to give him the come to Jesus moment before you are done and one day just up and leave him or worst of all get in a position where you want to go against your morals.

You could call me a gamer so I want to you give you and idea of how I am. First of all my wife and I always sit and eat dinner together every night then we spend at least an hour doing different things. I actually wish we would spend more time together but she is a morning person so we are still working on that. After she goes to be say around 10 or so, I then will game for a few hours or do other hobbies. Post on here a little, read stuff, and if there is a game I am playing at the moment I do that. I then go to bed late.

We usually do a bunch of stuff on the weekend and besides doing all the catch up work that is necessary, like cleaning the house and stuff, weekends are kind of our dating time. Again unless it's a slow day, which happens, I am not on my computer or gaming. Even so it is only for a few hours because we almost always go get dinner or see a movie or some sort of date thing. I do game or something again when she goes to sleep.

Also we go on trips and vacations where I am not doing any of my hobbies and I never feel like I am missing out.

Here is the thing, if my wife told me she went to bed every night crying in loneliness I would be beyond crushed.

Do you at least eat dinner together? Try doing that without any devices or distractions. Just sit at the table and talk and eat.
sokillme is online now  
post #5 of 62 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 03:15 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 154
Re: Married to a gamer

You married a loser.

Move on.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
xMadame is offline  
post #6 of 62 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 06:25 AM
Moderator
 
MattMatt's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: England
Posts: 19,203
Re: Married to a gamer

He stops gaming.

http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk
http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk...-cheaters.html (Be afraid UK cheaters! CheaterVille has come to the UK!

Last edited by MattMatt; 12-15-2016 at 06:38 AM.
MattMatt is online now  
post #7 of 62 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 07:49 AM
Member
 
tropicalbeachiwish's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: La La Land
Posts: 1,830
Re: Married to a gamer

My husband is a gamer. Not nearly as bad as his brothers though. I used to call myself the "Dinner Wife" because that was literally the only time he would spend with me. This was also combined with his drinking, and that's a whole another story but it's right in line with the addictive personality that he has. I was never alone but I was very lonely. The only thing he was doing around the house was mowing the lawn during the summer time. I was doing everything else. Once I told him about the nickname that I gave myself and how lonely I was, the gaming was reduced. Last year, we had another heart to heart (or more like a blow out) about the drinking and the gaming further decreased. The 2 addictions and possibly a 3rd, in my situation, go hand-in-hand quite a lot.

A good friend of my husbands is also a gamer. They have children and her "rule" is that he can't play games until the kids are in bed. You may want to consider this for your household. If he's not able to do a balance, then he should stop all together.

"Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow."
tropicalbeachiwish is online now  
post #8 of 62 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 07:56 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 614
Re: Married to a gamer

Adults should not be married to children.
zookeeper is offline  
post #9 of 62 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 08:26 AM
Member
 
KJ_Simmons's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: CO
Posts: 149
Re: Married to a gamer

I apologize if I ruffle any feathers, but when I hear that somebody is a "gamer" - I automatically assume they are lazy, lack social skills, have no life prospects, and are for lack of a better word - losers. That has been my experience with them so far anyway. You see it all the time on this board too. As with anything in life, moderation is key.
KJ_Simmons is offline  
post #10 of 62 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 08:34 AM
Member
 
tropicalbeachiwish's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: La La Land
Posts: 1,830
Re: Married to a gamer

Quote:
Originally Posted by KJ_Simmons View Post
I apologize if I ruffle any feathers, but when I hear that somebody is a "gamer" - I automatically assume they are lazy, lack social skills, have no life prospects, and are for lack of a better word - losers. That has been my experience with them so far anyway. You see it all the time on this board too. As with anything in life, moderation is key.
I think this can be true. Gamers can let it take over their life; it's the same with a lot of other addictions as well. Gaming is a hobby. And, hobbies can become addictions.

So, yes, moderation is key.


"Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow."
tropicalbeachiwish is online now  
post #11 of 62 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 08:41 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 1,799
Re: Married to a gamer

I want to add that I play video games just like many others. I know what happens to you and I know the depths you can sink in order to continue playing.

There are basically 3 types of games. Single player, at home multi-player, and online multiplayer. The first two types aren't an issue and are about managing time correctly together. If I want to get the new Zelda game and play it through, then, it's more about the game than the addiction and you can balance life with that. If I like having some buddies over to play a shooter or sports game, then that can be managed too. If I am engrossed in an online multiplayer game, then I have an addiction. I am not saying they are all bad, but they feed into negative instincts and desires of people. You can't shame them out and you can't debate them out. They think about it when they are with you. It is a mistress to them. They need to come to the conclusion that losing everything is worse than getting that upgraded weapon, or skill or whatever.
Herschel is online now  
post #12 of 62 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 09:35 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
pygmalioneffect's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 45
Re: Married to a gamer

Quote:
He seems to be an obsessive person in general. I would hazard a guess you were one of his obsessions in the early dating days, and you loved it, but had no idea that he had cyclical patterns of moving from one obsession to another.
Definitely yes to this. I wouldn't say I loved it...more that I thought he was just really into me. We both worked a lot and I was also in University, so we didn't have a ton of free time, but the time we did have we spent together, and was always enjoyable and positive. I took his desire to be with me as his sincere positive feelings for me. All these years later, and with help from my therapist, I've realized that instead it's likely his obsessive nature had him wanting to be around me, and his feelings for ME in general were a lot less strong.

Quote:
Miss a few nights and you fall behind your gaming buddies. The sense of achievement or leetness is alluring, and for someone in a dull real life, it can easily substitute for lack of achievement or status in real life. Not to mention that online, spouses are often portrayed as the spoilsport ball and chain who takes the gamer away from the fun, and that mentality can creep into a gamer's attitude about their relationship.
I do notice he gets stressed out about this at times. For example, we were gone on a tropical vacation last month for 10 days. He commented multiple times while we were gone that he wished he could play so he didn't "fall behind". I don't even know what that means, and I resent the fact that we had a chance to be together, with our kids, romantic, focus on our family without any distractions, and all he wanted was the distractions.

Quote:
This is beyond fix right now. You have enabled him long enough. The only way to save your marriage is to end it. There is no other way. You have to be willing to leave him, let him get himself out of this and then decided that, if he ever does, whether you will take him back.

This kind of gaming is an addiction and you deserve better than this.
This is what I was afraid of. I don't know how to explain it to him. When we discuss the whole gaming thing and its impact on our relationship he dismisses it as "just another thing to fight about". He claims that I fabricate issues because I enjoy negativity and conflict. This could not be further from the truth. When I respond with comments that that is not actually how I feel he says "you're lying. I know you. You just WANT to fight about ANYTHING". When I try to remove it from ME and say "H, does it seem logical that any sane person would WANT to create problems within their relationship?" he says no. Therefore I'm crazy.

When I tell him that I'm lonely and desperate for our relationship to be more intimate and connected he says that he isn't motivated to be intimate and loving and connected with someone who is miserable and just wants to fight all the time. He requires that I change, and just accept him exactly as he is, in order to expect him to WANT intimacy.

Quote:
Sounds like he may be on the spectrum. You need to give him the come to Jesus moment before you are done and one day just up and leave him or worst of all get in a position where you want to go against your morals.

You could call me a gamer so I want to you give you and idea of how I am. First of all my wife and I always sit and eat dinner together every night then we spend at least an hour doing different things. I actually wish we would spend more time together but she is a morning person so we are still working on that. After she goes to be say around 10 or so, I then will game for a few hours or do other hobbies. Post on here a little, read stuff, and if there is a game I am playing at the moment I do that. I then go to bed late.

We usually do a bunch of stuff on the weekend and besides doing all the catch up work that is necessary, like cleaning the house and stuff, weekends are kind of our dating time. Again unless it's a slow day, which happens, I am not on my computer or gaming. Even so it is only for a few hours because we almost always go get dinner or see a movie or some sort of date thing. I do game or something again when she goes to sleep.

Also we go on trips and vacations where I am not doing any of my hobbies and I never feel like I am missing out.

Here is the thing, if my wife told me she went to bed every night crying in loneliness I would be beyond crushed.

Do you at least eat dinner together? Try doing that without any devices or distractions. Just sit at the table and talk and eat.
Do you mean the Autism Spectrum? We do eat dinner together, with our two kids, most days. The odd day there is a gymnastics practice or soccer game, and we may be apart. But most of the days we do eat together. It's very nice. We talk with the kids, hear about their days. But as soon as its done I'm left to clean up and get them running to activities and he goes back to work (we are self-employed....if he got up in the mornings to go to work at a normal time, he would NOT have to work in the evenings). Weekends....the idea of cleaning the house together is actually laughable to me, and dating time? Almost never. It is a daily occurence that, after I work hard all day, feed everyone, run the kids to all of their extracurricular activities, etc. I get home at 9 pm and start cleaning the house. He sits on the couch gaming. While I'm running around cleaning, making lunches, prepping for the next day, switching up laundry. I run around him for a couple of hours, then fall into bed exhausted. And the whole time it's like he can't even SEE ME. He also chooses to operate this way seven days per week - meaning he doesn't take a day off. He does the working, home for dinner, working, home to game, sleep till lunch thing every day. To his credit, he DOES work less hours a few days per week - Mondays he and our daughter go to archery together in the evenings, he and our son participate in motocross weekly and spend a fair amount of time in the garage tinkering with cars and dirt bikes and building things. But he never takes an entire day off unless we are out of the country.

I've told him I'm lonely, but not that I'm crying myself to sleep. He gets SO defensive if I'm crying. Like he can't handle that he made me obviously feel badly. He shifts the blame, says I'm doing it to myself, etc. So that he doesn't have to feel bad. Honestly it would just create more heartache for me if I told him.

Quote:
A good friend of my husbands is also a gamer. They have children and her "rule" is that he can't play games until the kids are in bed. You may want to consider this for your household. If he's not able to do a balance, then he should stop all together.
He doesn't play when the kids are awake or around.

Quote:
You married a loser.

Move on.
I lol'd at this. It's interesting to me that he portrays this different person. We are business owners, to outsiders he looks so devoted and hard working (they think he works 12-14 hours per day, no one really knows he sleeps till noon-ish daily), we are comfortable financially. He is physically attractive, lean, fit (our business does keep him physically active). He is a good dad in the sense that he really loves our kids. He's there for them, cultivates time and relationships with them. He's open and always happy to listen to them. He supports them at gymnastics meets and soccer games and school events. I have girlfriends who often tell me they'd love a husband like him.

Quote:
I want to add that I play video games just like many others. I know what happens to you and I know the depths you can sink in order to continue playing.

There are basically 3 types of games. Single player, at home multi-player, and online multiplayer. The first two types aren't an issue and are about managing time correctly together. If I want to get the new Zelda game and play it through, then, it's more about the game than the addiction and you can balance life with that. If I like having some buddies over to play a shooter or sports game, then that can be managed too. If I am engrossed in an online multiplayer game, then I have an addiction. I am not saying they are all bad, but they feed into negative instincts and desires of people. You can't shame them out and you can't debate them out. They think about it when they are with you. It is a mistress to them. They need to come to the conclusion that losing everything is worse than getting that upgraded weapon, or skill or whatever.
He is playing online multiplayer games. He used to play on his PC, but 4 months ago he came home with a brand new x-box. It's been that ever since.

I think for me the most difficult part is when I try to talk to him about this, his regular rebuttal is just that he doesn't feel like being around someone so negative, so its his way of escaping from me. I've asked him why he doesn't just leave. His response is always "the kids and the business". Basically, he can't stand me and he needs gaming as a way to get away from me.

We have tons of issues, so I'll link to my original thread....but it's long and winded.

At a loss, need to vent....

I guess my main motivation behind this separate post was to see - there MUST be some gamers out there who are happily married? Are they married to fellow gamers? If not, what are the compromises or strategies they find makes their marriage AND their gaming work together? How do they make daily life work....so I appreciate the input of Herschel and sokillme. Thank you.

When our MC asked us to come up with suggestions for how to work through this H's suggestion was to get another TV....currently we only have the one. He figures if we put one in our bedroom I can watch it at night and not be lonely..... so that's a pretty clear indication of how much my feelings on this matter to him.
pygmalioneffect is offline  
post #13 of 62 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 09:41 AM
Banned
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 1,456
Re: Married to a gamer

Quote:
Originally Posted by zookeeper View Post
Adults should not be married to children.
True, and beautiful in it's simplicity, but she already IS married to a child.

What to do about it?

Only one thing that can be done, given that he doesn't give a rat's ass about what she wants, and he's only interested in fulfilling his own needs.

File for divorce and or at the very least move out. Send him the strong message that you didn't intend to marry a child and you've got better things to do with your life like meeting a man with whom she can do things with.

It might shake him back to reality, more likely it will only cause a temporary change in his behavior but at least you can say you tried.
browser is offline  
post #14 of 62 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 09:47 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 614
Re: Married to a gamer

Quote:
Originally Posted by browser View Post
True, and beautiful in it's simplicity, but she already IS married to a child.

What to do about it?

Only one thing that can be done, given that he doesn't give a rat's ass about what she wants, and he's only interested in fulfilling his own needs.

File for divorce and or at the very least move out. Send him the strong message that you didn't intend to marry a child and you've got better things to do with your life like meeting a man with whom she can do things with.

It might shake him back to reality, more likely it will only cause a temporary change in his behavior but at least you can say you tried.

First she must accept that he is an immature and selfish child. Then she can take action.

She has been journaling the impact of his behavior on her life for 6 years. She still must hold some unrealistic hope that he will change. Until she faces her real situation, no action will take place.
zookeeper is offline  
post #15 of 62 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 10:48 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 3,998
Re: Married to a gamer

Quote:
Originally Posted by KJ_Simmons View Post
I apologize if I ruffle any feathers, but when I hear that somebody is a "gamer" - I automatically assume they are lazy, lack social skills, have no life prospects, and are for lack of a better word - losers. That has been my experience with them so far anyway. You see it all the time on this board too. As with anything in life, moderation is key.
Well, that is a pretty foolish comment. Here let me educate your ignorance.
sokillme is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Married 3 years...feel like giving up! lovelauryn General Relationship Discussion 3 11-24-2016 05:46 AM
Married Women Care to Advise? gettingitright General Relationship Discussion 13 11-20-2016 10:04 AM
I've been married 3 weeks and all we do is fight escd General Relationship Discussion 13 06-05-2016 08:40 AM
Scared of getting married Elsajolliefille General Relationship Discussion 22 02-10-2016 07:13 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome