Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.

Drop wife for girlfriend - this usually fails?

7K views 59 replies 37 participants last post by  aine 
#1 ·
I've been struggling with my wife for a year, the issues are many after 20 years together and raising a family. After telling her many times the simple things she could do to save our marriage she simply will not change. Maybe I'm the bad guy too, who knows. I decided around last May that our marriage would likely end. At that point I tried a few more times then gave up. Now I am breaking communication with my wife because I don't want to try any longer.

Now I have a girlfriend. She knows I'm married of course but she remains in the picture.

This girlfriend: I don't know her all that well yet, but so far she's a better companion than my wife. I have my reservations about her but I'm also trusting my instinct which says she's the one for me.

I'd be planning to separate from my wife anyway but now that the girlfriend has come along I think things will be moving along faster in that direction. If the girlfriend doesn't turn out to be my longterm soulmate, at least I appreciate that she helped me make the change I need.

Question is: if a guy is married, picks up a girlfriend, then divorces his wife -- is it almost always the case that the guy and his girlfriend don't end up together much longer? Statistically speaking, what are the odds?

My cousin was at a similar point in his life, about 50, married all the years, raised a family. Found a girlfriend. Divorced. Then almost the same day his divorce was done his girlfriend dumped him. Forbidden fruit or something I guess. I don't think my present girlfriend is with me owing to this phenomenon but I thought I'd ask the experts here.
 
See less See more
#3 ·
Well, since I was cheated on I am probably not the right person to answer this question. So, I'll just say I hope your wife finds out and takes you for everything you have. You sir have no honor and karma is a bi$$h. Shame on you for doing this. AND NO, your relationship will not last with your affair partner because you both have serious issues getting involved with each other while YOU ARE still married. People make my head hurt.
 
#4 ·
You're with a woman who has such low morals that she'd knowingly be with a married man and sneak around behind the man's wife's back.
Your gf has already been married multiple times. Your wife is a decent decent enough person that one of the few complaints you can come up with is she doesn't walk fast enough.

So regardless of the statistics, you are going to wind up heartbroken and lonely. Your poor wife may take you back........ Maybe not.
 
#7 ·
Your wife is a decent decent enough person that one of the few complaints you can come up with is she doesn't walk fast enough.
Wish it were that simple but I can walk as slow as a snail she still won't be at my side and that eats very deep(!!). I have never seen a couple like us, in public, so who are you to speculate what it feels like year after year you can't even enjoy a moment together with your wife because she meanders behind you like a little freak. That is a different thread. Among other things she does not talk to me ever evenings, and never wants to leave the house. I try, try, try, try, try and talk talk talk she will not change. I'm OUT. Get it?

Yes we had a 20 year sex life and that was daily sex. Every day and many times twice a day. My wife loved that every bit as much as I did. Maybe that's why she never wants to leave the house. I have a very healthy heart and that means great flow and wonderful times for her. Oddly enough the girlfriend I have now has been in two relationships over the last 12 years or so and both men were totally weak in bed! Once every 10 days and just **** service for her. I think men are just as bad as women at sex. I have been a super lover for my wife and she loved the passion. We had that going for 20 years. But that is not what makes a happy marriage -- or is it? Is that all there is?

What I want to know is -- statistically speaking, what are the odds that I will stay with this girlfriend? Probably less than 1/10.
 
#6 ·
You don't discuss your issue in the marriage but unless she's been having or had an affair of her own, what you're doing is much worse. This woman has been with you for 20 years and is the mother of your kids. How can you betray her like that?

That "girlfriend" that you think is all that is not a quality woman. No woman of worth would be sneaking around with a married father. If you abandon your family for this homewrecker, within a few months when you see another man getting your wife's best and being around your kids, you'll rue the day you met this Jezebel.
 
#8 ·
I am a motor head. I have always collected gasoline motors of all kinds.

I love to work on really old ones.

I have this two cylinder 35 HP Johnson 2-stroke outboard motor that I have been tinkering with for years. It runs like crap. One of the cylinders has low compression. The head bolts are stripped. Some knucklehead used the wrong sized socket wrench on those bolts.

I tried an old trick....pounding a smaller 12 pt. metric socket over the mangled hex bolts. I got all the old bolts out but one. That one snapped off.

Now I am screwed. They do not make spare parts for my old oil burner.

So are you. You put an american stud in a foreign hole, twisted hard and now it is broken off flush. Now you have two blind holes with a broken stud in them.

Soon you will not be screwed. No women will have you.
 
#11 ·
You know it will fail. You have a runaway on your hands. You two are on that new relationship high. How long will that last? Is the walking behind you the only complaint you have about your wife? Because if it is, dude that’s weak! This marriage is a good one by any measure or at least it used to be.
 
#12 ·
Is the walking behind you the only complaint you have about your wife? Because if it is, dude that’s weak! This marriage is a good one by any measure or at least it used to be.
Probably me then, my fault. But yes that is the deal. I can't go anywhere with an actual companion I have this turd behind me and she laughs it off like it's just a joke that I complain about it. I just can't stand her any longer. And now that the kids are gone I realize that I am married to someone who doesn't want to leave the house. Plus other issues.

The girlfriend is very active in the outdoors and goes anywhere, swims, etc. There are some red flags but the fact is, I am not leaving a happy marriage to hook up with this other person. I have an extremely stubborn wife and looking at the next 20 years there will be very little adventure. I met her while living in her country and studying at a university, and my entire life I've been adventurous far more than most. I settled down for 20 years and was an epic father raising brilliant kids in a prestigious neighborhood and I was Dad AND Mom (she never set foot in a classroom, organized a birthday party, zip zilch nada). I'm done with that phase of my life.

My wife has no idea how stupid she is in absolutely disregarding it when all I say is that I simply want to walk hand-in-hand and feel a companion and actually sit down and talk together at night! What a nice guy wants to enjoy talking to his wife? What a nice guy wants to walk together with his wife summer evenings and breathe fresh air and feel alive?

If I never see her again after we divorce I don't care. I feel kind of used by her but somehow the brilliance that arose during our marriage may have never sparked if it weren't for her. We did together design and invent a consumer product that became somewhat popular and is making money and it was entirely my idea and I did all the legwork on research but she did a fair share in key aspects. Our kids are absolutely the pinnacle of achievement and they are now thriving, perfectly fine without us. In fact our oldest just sent me grades and her favorite subject genetics she is got top marks. How happy I can be with these kids. I am not going to be dragged down for the next 20 years though.

Thank you for listening. I may sound like a jerk. It is what it is.
 
#15 ·
Your unhappy with your wife because she's a homebody. This is the woman you successfully raised kids with, probably has been to through 20 years of life's up and downs by your side, and is sexing you everyday?

You say you don't care if she's with another man but I'm telling you, it is going to CRUSH you when you see your wife of 20 years looking lovingly into another man's eyes. Then when this new gal, who likes to be out and about, will be tossing you aside for the new flavor of the month.

@becareful2 is right. The karma bus is heading straight for you.
 
#16 ·
This new gf has issues, but so do you. It may last or it may not.

If you are done with your marriage, then leave. It will crush your wife, but that is no longer your problem. She is better off alone anyway. You have no respect for her and that is very sad.

You don't love your wife anymore because your heart is filled with OW. Your wife didn't stand a chance once you cheated. The excuses you tell yourself for leaving doesn't change the fact that you broke your vows and your promises to her. You will sadly pay for that. It was your choice to take the coward's way out by setting nest elsewhere before ending your 20 marriage with the mother of your children. They will never see you the same. That is where the Karma bus is going to hit you the hardest.

I hope you at least have your gf to compensate for so much loss coming your way. I hope she makes you happy and content with the path you have taken.

Your affair was an exit affair. It was your way of making sure your wife would not want to stay with you. She may not see it that way right away though. Remember that you are way too far ahead of her in this detachment, no love, I'm done road that she is going to embark once the truth is known.
 
#17 ·
Does your wife know you have a girlfriend yet? Or were you ever planning to tell her?

Probably not, right? You will just tell her you want a divorce and then never speak to her again and if she's asks if there's anyone else, you will say no, even though you are already asking us here if your relationship with the girlfriend will last or not.
 
#18 ·
To answer the original question, sometimes affairs turn into long term relationships and marriage. Not a good way to bet, but I know someone it happened to.

My guess is that only happens if there was something seriously wrong with the original betrayed spouse. More often though the problem is with the spouse who is cheating, and those problems persist into the next relationship.


As far as right / wrong: I don't see any point in judging the morality of others.
 
#19 · (Edited)
@Guth I know this is long but please read all of it. Okay, a lot of people are saying you and your girlfriend have no morals. I won't say that because I don't know you, and besides, even people who usually have acted morally in the past can get involved with an affair partner.

So putting morality completely aside, I'm 99% sure the only reason you feel love for your new girlfriend is chemicals. Yes, really.

Everything we feel is created by chemicals in our brain. Chemicals can make us happy, chemicals (or the lack of them) can make us sad, chemicals can make us terrified or angry or, yes, enamored. The chemicals that you currently have floating around in your brain are called dopamine, norepinephrine, and phenylethylamine. These dull physical and emotional pain, induce euphoria, and create an attachment to whom or whatever happens to be nearby when these chemicals are released. If I were to hook your brain up to a bunch of wires that could somehow flood your neurotransmitters with these chemicals every time you looked at a picture of Swiss cheese, it'd be a matter of weeks at most before you developed a SERIOUS addiction to Swiss cheese sandwiches.

Unfortunately, as I have learned the hard way, humans are not biologically designed to support these chemicals flooding through your brain for very long. The timeline is about 2 or 3 years, maybe a few months more if your relationship is particularly titillating. If human beings could withstand huge amounts of these chemicals for decades at a time, there wouldn't be any such thing as drug addictions.

Think of how heroin addiction happens. You take some opiates, and they feel pretty good. You take some more the next day, and more feels REALLY good. You keep doing that for three or four weeks, and it starts feeling less good. You need more and more of the drug to achieve the same good feelings. Suddenly, before you realise what's happened, you've robbed a dozen people and sold everything you own to get enough money for your next fix.

Chemically speaking, dopamine, norepinephrine, and phenylethylamine are similar to morphine and heroin. Therefore, just like a heroin addict has to score a little more heroin every time he uses in order to feel good, you have to love and be loved by your paramour a little harder, a little longer, a little more passionately in order to achieve the same feelings of being in love. So you might start inviting her to coffee, then to the movies, then to fancy Italian dinners, then you escalate to grand vacations, a marriage proposal in Paris, an enormous wedding that would put the Royal Couple to shame... You need grander and grander romance to feel good with her.

But once you're married, how do you ever live up to the same wild, unbridled passion that you had on your honeymoon? You can't. It is not possible. Every single day for the next thirty, forty, fifty years CANNOT be as majestic, sweet, and passionate as the best day of your honeymoon. And as married life with your girlfriend-turned-wife goes on, the chemicals die off because you need more and more romance to feel good, but you've already reached the peak, and there's nowhere to go but down.

That moment- wherein the love starts to die down and the chemicals fade and suddenly, without the chemical high, you and your partner just become two imperfect, annoying people and your fairytale becomes plain old ordinary stressful boring life ...that's what everyone here is talking about when they say the Karma bus will hit you. In the end, your relationship with your girlfriend will look depressingly similar to the relationship you currently have with your wife.

This is bound to happen in every single relationship you have, even if your partner has NO flaws whatsoever (but she does) says and does EVERYTHING exactly the way you hope she would (but she won't) and can have the stamina of a wildcat in bed every time (but she can't). It's just the way our brains work. We cannot be in love forever. We just simply can't.

I'm sorry.
 
#23 · (Edited)
Ha Ha, I can't say what I really want to but I will say I hope your wife meets the man or her dreams. You are not a good person, seek help. Learn about honor. Your hope for a good relationship is doomed until you do. What you will have is short ones built on sex and drama. It will be fun at first but like junk food you will soon tire of it. Then you will be stuck in the same situation with someone else. The way you exited your marriage shows you are not ready to do the hard things that is need to have a good one. That is with anyone.
 
  • Like
Reactions: MattMatt
#26 ·
Why you didn't separate and file for divorce before finding someone new to stick it to is beyond me. I don't think you even deserve a warning honk from the karma bus. I bet you've been double dipping, still banging the dull boring fart of a wife and little miss adventure.

I hope your wife takes you for all she can, and finds the hottest variety of boyfriends to have the time of her life with. I bet she will walk next to them. Maybe it's just YOU she doesn't want to be next to in public.
 
#27 ·
The OP is rewriting the history of his marriage right before our eyes. He now calls her a turd, which I have never seen him do in his other threads.

OP, what you're doing to your wife is cruel and wicked. I hope the karma bus runs your azz over, backs up, and runs you over again.

I hope your wife finds a man far more honorable and loving than you. I hope he makes her feel so safe and so loved, she'll happily walk alongside him with her arm wrapped around his, and call him the love of her life.

We reap what we sow, and you're about to reap a bountiful harvest with this homewrecker you've just found.
 
#29 ·
Question is: if a guy is married, picks up a girlfriend, then divorces his wife -- is it almost always the case that the guy and his girlfriend don't end up together much longer? Statistically speaking, what are the odds?
Statistically, less than 5%.

I hope you're fully prepared for the fallout that's coming for you OP. When your kids get wind of this, they will NEVER look at you the same way again. By hurting their mother this way, you're also hurting them. And you can forget about them welcoming your piece. She'll never be anything to them except the wh0re who broke up their family.

But go ahead...enjoy your two bit, homewrecking wh0re. I hope the incredibly high price (and I don't mean financially) you're about to pay is worth it.
 
#32 ·
Statistically, less than 5%.

I hope you're fully prepared for the fallout that's coming for you OP. When your kids get wind of this, they will NEVER look at you the same way again. By hurting their mother this way, you're also hurting them. And you can forget about them welcoming your piece. She'll never be anything to them except the wh0re who broke up their family.

But go ahead...enjoy your two bit, homewrecking wh0re. I hope the incredibly high price (and I don't mean financially) you're about to pay is worth it.
This is so true. Kids are affected by divorce. Even adult children. The 2 of you are supposed to be their refuge but you're tearing it asunder in a most disrespectful way.

To betray your wife of 20 years in such a shabby way will not go unpunished by your kids. Doesn't matter that you were the more involved parent. The injustice will override all you've done.They're not going to think, "Dad did all the work with us all these years, he deserves a new love." No they will think that all those years you were a big phony who was dying to leave the family and will rally around their mom leaving you alone.

As for the chances of things working out with Ms homewrecker, they are not good. Relationships built on the foundation of ashes of adultery don't pan out to well.
 
#30 ·
Your only "error"....err-her, was cheating on your wife in the first place.

The watt in the lamp is this.....You were unhappy in your marriage?.....Divorce first, then take on a new relationship(s).

How simple, yet how totally ignored by so many.

This "new" GF would have waited for you to divorce. If not, her under-weight would be become an issue.

As it stands, [on weak legs], you were impatient, a hungry cheater.

Weak turds flow downhill, in the end....[no, out the end] will settle out and equal a crappy life. That will be the [on going] view from your children, your ex wife and most relatives. Your image is now tainted.
 
#31 ·
I have a possibly unique perspective on this, at least on this board.

I left my wife for another woman and we have been happily married for almost 20 years, but I know now that I was extremely lucky to have a good outcome.

In addition, my reason for leaving was that I had been emotionally abused and couldn't take it any more, not an apparently trivial complaint of the ones you have been mentioning.

So I wouldn't recommend you do this even though I am one of the exceptions to the rule that says it won't come out well.
 
#33 ·
Question is: if a guy is married, picks up a girlfriend, then divorces his wife -- is it almost always the case that the guy and his girlfriend don't end up together much longer? Statistically speaking, what are the odds?
The reason these types of things typically fail 98% of the time or more, is because the people involved have serious issues, whether it's mental illness, lack of morality or compassion for others, dishonesty or deception are rampant in the very core of your- I mean their- personality.

So the cheating followed by a subsequent failed relationship isn't because of the situation that led up to it, it's due to the lack of moral compass and the inability of the cheater and the affair partner to have normal, consistent, committed relationships.

In other words, the odds are close to 100% that you're already screwed.
 
#34 ·
20 years of her life she spent with him.
Great sex she gave you, DAILY.
Helped him (his own words) build a successful business.
You CHOSE to marry her.

Let be tell you how we men handle your problems with your wife:

They don't talk enough? You talk to your make friends and develop friendships with men the like to talk about man stuff.

Your wife doesn't walk beside you?
You hold her hand and be patient. If it takes years for her to get on the same page, you do it---because she's your wife.

She doesn't do enough around the house and you have plenty of money? Hire a maid.

She doesn't give you good back rubs? Go to a masseuse.

Or, you ask her for a divorce because you don't feel she cares enough for meeting your needs. Then leave her.

What you don't do is run off on month long cheating adventures with women who will be long gone when the free fun slacks off or slightest hardship begins.
This **** you're banging on the side has no shame to be with a married man. You don't either.

Your wife isn't perfect, but she seems to lead her life without complaint. Secret: you aren't perfect, either. Will your next woman be able to tolerate all your imperfections? I don't think so. You're a cheater. That's a pretty big flaw.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top