Uncertain feelings - Imminent marriage - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 15 (permalink) Old 12-18-2016, 02:59 PM Thread Starter
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Uncertain feelings - Imminent marriage

Hello everyone, first post on this forum as reached a low point and read some of the amazing advice on this forum.

I will keep this short as itís the holiday season, but grateful for any advice in regards to falling out of love. So short summary is I have been with my fiancťe for over ten years now (proposed last year), met at University when 19, and have lived together the last four years. The crunch point is that whilst she is very much still in love with me, I really donít think I am in love with her anymore. Very much welcome advice on working this through either to making it work, or going our separate ways.
Background wise, we have similar upbringings but work in different industries, have similar humour/political views/music taste, love of travel but that is kinda about it. I have many friends/hobbies/interests, and she has very few and no hobbies at all. Relationship goal wise we both want family/a house together, and both our families really get on. Our relationship has gone through a lot (my mother passing, her grandparents dying, various moves/ different locations for work), and at University was volatile (We broke up a few times, I cheated on her once which I told her about). She is a gorgeous amazing woman, and a great friend of mine but I just donít feel the same way I did a year ago.. instead I feel just empty. I dream of being single occasionally, but then dream of marrying her. Donít think this is just cold feet as I was having these thoughts last year.. and talked to her about them. We still have a healthy sex life, but its waned in recent years primarily due to my uncertain feelings.

Both of us having discussed it at length, and I have tried to make changes in terms of romantic dates, presents, effort in the small gestures, holidays etc, but in truth I am at a loss on how to move forward. I change feelings from day to day about leaving/making it work, but always with a sense of hollowness as to my feelings towards her. She is a great friend but I just donít feel I love her anymore so want to fix it or call it.

Wedding is currently scheduled for September next year, but I am uncertain if I want to go through with it or more importantly put her through it if I am uncertain.

Frankly she deserves better either way, so I would really appreciate any and all advice.

Thank you

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post #2 of 15 (permalink) Old 12-18-2016, 03:12 PM
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Re: Uncertain feelings - Imminent marriage

If the wedding was closer and the feelings of uncertainty were temporary, I'd say it was just cold feet. What you are describing isn't that as these feelings have been long term and the wedding isn't for months and months.

If you aren't absolutely certain, end it.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #3 of 15 (permalink) Old 12-18-2016, 03:13 PM
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Re: Uncertain feelings - Imminent marriage

I don't usually give the "dump 'em" advice here but in your case I think that is the way. You got together really young when you most like hadn't fully formed your identity. Now you are growing, you are also changing, your views on what is a good life is altering. I think you like the comfort of the relationship since it is familiar but that's not a good enough reason if you are thinking about being single again.

It's messed up that you have to cancel a wedding that is already planned and I supposed both families have been invited to. But the hurt later of a divorce will be worse. Don't waste your time or hers, man. Don't be like people who think they are doing the "right thing" but are only postponing the inevitable.

maybe you should wait until after christmas. I dunno. I just think it will hit her harder if it happens in the holidays. Although, I have heard the majority of breakups happen around this time

Even if I don't get likes for it, I'm still going to say it.
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post #4 of 15 (permalink) Old 12-18-2016, 07:01 PM
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Re: Uncertain feelings - Imminent marriage

'I'm not sure if I'm in love with my fiancee should I get married'?

Do you REALLY need to ask a bunch of random strangers this question?

Ok I guess you do.

Answer: "No you should not commit to be with a person for the rest of your natural life and probably have children with them and buy a house with them if you don't think you're in love with them".
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post #5 of 15 (permalink) Old 12-18-2016, 07:52 PM
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Re: Uncertain feelings - Imminent marriage

End it. Now. It's going to suck a great deal for her no matter when it happens, but everyday you wait is a day you have stolen from her. The sooner she can grieve the end of your relationship, the sooner she can move on and have the life she deserves.

Yes this Christmas will suck, but next Christmas will be better, and by the one after she will have probably found someone new, who actually loves her.

So yeah, end it.
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post #6 of 15 (permalink) Old 12-18-2016, 08:18 PM
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Re: Uncertain feelings - Imminent marriage

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If the wedding was closer and the feelings of uncertainty were temporary, I'd say it was just cold feet. What you are describing isn't that as these feelings have been long term and the wedding isn't for months and months.

If you aren't absolutely certain, end it.
Completely agree, cold feet is a real thing, but this doesn't sound like that.

Everyone wants and deserves to marry someone who loves them. If you don't you are doing her no favors by going through with it.

Last edited by sokillme; 12-18-2016 at 08:26 PM.
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post #7 of 15 (permalink) Old 12-18-2016, 10:34 PM
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Re: Uncertain feelings - Imminent marriage

If you're not sure, especially this far out from the wedding, at the very least, talk to her about postponing it. If you feel relieved after postponing there's your answer, you need to call it off.

I would NOT however do it just before Christmas, too callous. I also wouldn't make major decisions around the holidays - they can really mess with your head.

For what it's worth, I never had a second of doubt when I was engaged to my now husband. I was absolutely deeply in love with him (still am) and wanted to be married to him, as opposed to just wanting to be married.

I'm not sure that cold feet is actually all that normal.
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post #8 of 15 (permalink) Old 12-18-2016, 10:56 PM
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Re: Uncertain feelings - Imminent marriage

Nerves are one thing - doubts need to be addressed and resolved before a marriage takes place.

I personally don't know anyone who had serious doubts and then went ahead with the wedding anyways and years down the road did not regret getting married. I am sure that is not always the case, but this has just been my personal experience (Including with 3 sisters and one aunt - who ended up being miserable in their marriages).

Unless or until you resolve the doubts - do not marry her.

Maybe you need to break it off for awhile to see how you feel without her. It sounds like being with her and all of your efforts are not resolving the doubts. In my mind, that is not a good sign.

It's also possible that your doubts have nothing to do with your feelings for her - but are happening because you are not emotionally ready to get married or to be tied to one person yet - which would then mean it's not her - it's you! (just don't use that line if you break up with her - even if it is true!!)
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post #9 of 15 (permalink) Old 12-18-2016, 11:11 PM
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Re: Uncertain feelings - Imminent marriage

Yeah, I would never have gotten married if I had those feelings.
If you split up and discover that was an error, you can always get back together and marry then.

Ciao,

Spicy
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post #10 of 15 (permalink) Old 12-19-2016, 01:10 PM
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Re: Uncertain feelings - Imminent marriage

Averaged over the last year, are you happy when you are with her, and is she happy with you?

As others have said, never marry if you are not in love - you are not doing anyone a favor.

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post #11 of 15 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 11:11 AM
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Re: Uncertain feelings - Imminent marriage

I think she needs to be with a man who will a)be faithful to her, and b) who wont leave her waiting for 10 YEARS for a wedding.
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post #12 of 15 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 12:25 PM
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Re: Uncertain feelings - Imminent marriage

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I think she needs to be with a man who will a)be faithful to her, and b) who wont leave her waiting for 10 YEARS for a wedding.
@Diana7

That's ridiculous. You are saying that a man who doesn't want to marry is in some way less committed and faithful and will be worse for her and inferior than a guy who is willing to marry her.

Nothing could be further from the truth.
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post #13 of 15 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 02:56 PM
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Re: Uncertain feelings - Imminent marriage

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@Diana7

That's ridiculous. You are saying that a man who doesn't want to marry is in some way less committed and faithful and will be worse for her and inferior than a guy who is willing to marry her.

Nothing could be further from the truth.
Absolutely that's what I am saying. I wouldn't be interested in a man who didn't want to commit for that long length of time.
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post #14 of 15 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 04:11 PM
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Re: Uncertain feelings - Imminent marriage

If there is doubt, pull out. So many people get married because they started the ball rolling or feel that it is logically the next step in the relationships. After the initial love fades, you are then with the partner as she or he really is and not the love blinded version of her. I was engaged once before and I think both of us felt that we did not feel the same after being away from each other for 6 months. Yet neither of us wanted to break it off. The wedding was planned and deposits were made. Everyone was expecting our marriage. Instead, my ex fiancee cheated on me. She did not want to tell me that she did not want to get married anymore. On my part, I enlisted in the Army for 3 years without even telling her I was going to do that, knowing that I would spend a year away from her while I was fighting in Vietnam.

She was 17 and I was 18 and it was too much to ask of her. She worried that any day she would be told that I was dead. She had only had sex with me and was curious as to what it was like with others. In the end I learned that she went from man to man searching for better sex only to find it in the bed of her wife. She called me to tell me the journey of her life and it was bad. She repressed her sexuality due to a very religious Jewish family with zero tolerance for non heterosexuality. She turned to drugs and ended up with mental problems. Still hears voices. Even married a guy to support her and her child only to leave him after he made the last college tuition payment for her son, which was by some other man and she does know what man. She find happiness after her mother and father died. She dated women and married one. My bi wife was the same. She repressed her bisexuality until her parents were dead.

You need to make sure that you are in love, the kind that leaves no doubts about the other person. Read this article. It explains how love affects how we think and can result in divorce.

How long does passion last? The four stages of love - TODAY.com

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.
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post #15 of 15 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 05:27 PM
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Re: Uncertain feelings - Imminent marriage

3 months down, 6 months to go. I wonder what the OP decided. I don't wonder if he will ever write a second post.
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