General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
My H and I had a stupid argument again and I want to know if what I did was out of line. This is the second morning in a row where we argued about stupid crap and I’m just mad. He came into the bathroom and spit, he mentioned the blood in the spit and how he needs to go to the dentist to get things fixed, but that we don’t have the money. I’m at my wits end over the finances, we are in a major hole and have been for some time, but there is a light a few months away… It’s just very tight. BUT we have never gone without nice things, and that is part of the reason we are in the hole we are in.
So, I mentioned going to get a cleaning at least to see what’s up, which is free on our plan every 6 months. He said no, he can’t do that because he doesn’t have time, and he knows he must have gingivitis because his mom does or some other such issues that came to his attention over three years ago on his LAST dental visit, so therefore he doesn’t want to go at all now because whatever it is, we don’t have the money. Well, 6 hours later and we’re still arguing. I AM DOING ALL I CAN WITH THE BUDGET, and if he can’t get all the work that has to get done to his mouth, he just doesn’t want to go period. WHY??? Does he just want to complain about something? We are heading on a 12 hour trip for Christmas to see his mother and I told him that we are going to spend over 200 in gas alone during that trip, my suggestion to him is to forgo this year’s trip and get his teeth done with that money and then he accuses me of being a ***** about things. He said he’s just telling me his “feelings” and that he doesn’t actually want a resolution? Is it normal to complain about not being able to do something that important and really not wanting an answer or a resolve? Do other people do this?
Yesterday’s argument was about the “tone” of my voice when I asked him for help on something. I can’t help but to think this is just a failing marriage.
Sounds like a communications melt down.
Do not be silent! Dental problems are serious and can lead to infections and even death!
When the dentist looks at his teeth, he or she will determine what needs treatment.
If you can't afford it, be honest with your dentist.
If he or she can't work out a plan with you, ask your dentist about low-cost or no-cost dental services in your area.
As for how to approach this:
It's not always what you say, but how you say it. He may think you are attacking him. If you need to, write him a letter.
You can run it by TAM if you wish.
Health problems gnaw away at you mentally. Sounds like his confidence is low.
He may be afraid deep down that you see him as a failure.
He may also feel that he's just adding another problem to the pile and he feels embarrassed and scared about it.
Help him rebuild his confidence. Get a night alone with him soon. Cook him a nice meal, cozy up to him. Have sex. Make him feel like a King.
Let him know you are there for him and that you love him and that you want him to be in good health and that it's weighing on your mind and that you are concerned about him.
Thank you! Our dentist will take payments, I just don't understand what's up with all the complaining and arguing, I think we are just both so stressed with the finances that neither of us know what to do anymore I love Christmas, but it can be so stressful especially with little ones.
Is this the same husband that spit on YOU? Are you that person?
Yes, that'd be me Southern He'd be scared to spit in my face now though, I brought it to his attention that it's assault and can get him thrown in jail.... He'd be spending Christmas with Bubba on a nice cozy cot.
Yes, that'd be me Southern He'd be scared to spit in my face now though, I brought it to his attention that it's assault and can get him thrown in jail.... He'd be spending Christmas with Bubba on a nice cozy cot.
I hope my advice helps but if he's displaying abusive behavior, then there is much deeper issues to resolve. I truly hope you can find peace with or without him.
My H and I had a stupid argument again and I want to know if what I did was out of line. This is the second morning in a row where we argued about stupid crap and I’m just mad. He came into the bathroom and spit, he mentioned the blood in the spit and how he needs to go to the dentist to get things fixed, but that we don’t have the money. I’m at my wits end over the finances, we are in a major hole and have been for some time, but there is a light a few months away… It’s just very tight. BUT we have never gone without nice things, and that is part of the reason we are in the hole we are in.
So, I mentioned going to get a cleaning at least to see what’s up, which is free on our plan every 6 months. He said no, he can’t do that because he doesn’t have time, and he knows he must have gingivitis because his mom does or some other such issues that came to his attention over three years ago on his LAST dental visit, so therefore he doesn’t want to go at all now because whatever it is, we don’t have the money. Well, 6 hours later and we’re still arguing. I AM DOING ALL I CAN WITH THE BUDGET, and if he can’t get all the work that has to get done to his mouth, he just doesn’t want to go period. WHY??? Does he just want to complain about something? We are heading on a 12 hour trip for Christmas to see his mother and I told him that we are going to spend over 200 in gas alone during that trip, my suggestion to him is to forgo this year’s trip and get his teeth done with that money and then he accuses me of being a ***** about things. He said he’s just telling me his “feelings” and that he doesn’t actually want a resolution? Is it normal to complain about not being able to do something that important and really not wanting an answer or a resolve? Do other people do this?
Yesterday’s argument was about the “tone” of my voice when I asked him for help on something. I can’t help but to think this is just a failing marriage.
Should I just shut up?
My guess is that this is the cycle of abuse ramping up again. You had the honeymoon period where everything was calm again and now things are starting to get uncomfortable. He has to keep you off balance to feel like he's in control. You can shut up, you can talk, you can dance on one leg, there's not going to be a right answer because he'll just keep changing the question and things will get more and more tense until there's another blowup of some kind.
Did you make a safety plan after the last time? Spare keys for the car and a bag for you and the kids? Cell phone? Copies of any important documents, etc? If it happens while you're traveling do you have a way to stash some cash in your purse or on yourself in case you need to get away quickly?
My guess is that this is the cycle of abuse ramping up again. You had the honeymoon period where everything was calm again and now things are starting to get uncomfortable. He has to keep you off balance to feel like he's in control. You can shut up, you can talk, you can dance on one leg, there's not going to be a right answer because he'll just keep changing the question and things will get more and more tense until there's another blowup of some kind.
Did you make a safety plan after the last time? Spare keys for the car and a bag for you and the kids? Cell phone? Copies of any important documents, etc? If it happens while you're traveling do you have a way to stash some cash in your purse or on yourself in case you need to get away quickly?
Good point Gypsy, he went several weeks being really nice. I do have a safety plan in place. He showed his ass in a big way in front of his mom last Christmas. We all chalked that up to crown and coke and that's no longer allowed anywhere we stay so I'm hoping this year will be better, but who knows. The last time he was actually physical with me, I called his mom and told her everything. She seems to be supportive of me and whatever I need to do to be safe, she put up with his dad's abuse for 13 years so she's supportive of what I'm dealing with and certainly doesn't want me to continue putting up with it like she did (she had 4 young children and was a SAHM while that ******* was controlling her). I'm just tired of the stupid petty fights Thank you for your input!
Stupid arguments = Failing marriage? 
I love Christmas, but it can be so stressful especially with little ones.
