My jealousy issues drove him to another woman. How do I fix my marriage now? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 33 (permalink) Old 12-22-2016, 12:47 AM Thread Starter
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My jealousy issues drove him to another woman. How do I fix my marriage now?

My husband and I have been together for 13 years. 10 as boyfriend and girlfriend and 3 married. It took him a very long time to propose because we fought all the time. In the very beginning of our relationship I was a bit wild and rude. I was young. Only 15, he was already a man at 20, we had numerous fights about it. He used to be very protective of me back then too. He would yell at men who stared at me. He was a little jealous and I was too. When he started working he dropped that habit for the most part but I made it easy for him by not ever having male friends or talking to men when I didn't have to. No male doctors. I have lived my life this way since then. It's become second nature to me. Of course having changed myself so much for him, I expected the same from him...I did not get it.

We would have fights over that here and there. Back then the fights weren't so bad. They escalated over the years.

I had bad jealousy issues. Back in 2006 he had had an emotional affair with a coworker of his. Things got a little physical but not in a sexual way. I believe I pushed him towards her because in the beginning he tried to avoid her. He always told me she would follow him around and he knew she liked him and I kept pushing for him to stay away from her. This, I think hurt him because I didn't trust him and he ended up opening a communication with her, found out he had things in common with her. Over the months I spied on him (I know I shouldn't have) and saw so many emails and text messages that hurt me. Mild flirtations and sometimes flat out talking about their feelings for one another...She told him she would leave her boyfriend for him. Eventually, after a year of hell for me, He ended this after we had a big fight when he admitted she and he had rubbed each others feet alone after work and it felt wrong and he felt guilt. Over the years after this, he would contact her when he and I fought to get back at me I think. Once he even contacted her when he came home and saw me helping our GAY (I might add) male neighbor put up Christmas lights. I was actually sucked into it because we lived in a 4 plex and I had to get something from my car. He was out there and asked me to hold the light against the tree for him for just a moment...I did so because what was I going to do?? Say no and walk inside my house? Be rude and make things awkward? So I helped and RIGHT then my husband comes home eyeballing me and our neighbor...We had a huge fight about him "coming home and catching me helping another man" So he still had jealousy issues as well. He just had a lot less fuel for it than I did. So yes he contacted her out of anger to get back at me and it hurt.

I had been deeply affected by that betrayal even though I had caused it with the fights...But I worked hard to be more trusting even though I'd have slips. We got along for a long time and he proposed 3 years ago. We were married and everything was good. Until we started having little snips over small things like he would think I pulled a rude face over something or I would say something wrong and he would just blow up at me. We would fight probably once every couple of weeks. One little thing turned into a HUGE thing. Despite the fights, I had been doing a good job with my jealousy issues....Up until recently.

A few months ago a female co worker who I actually trusted and liked, was working from home on the same day my husband was working from home as well. Apparently she decided it would be a good idea to get a little tipsy and because of that, she admitted to having feelings for my husband and said some pretty vulgar things to him. In no nice terms she pretty much asked him to have sex with her. Since my husband and I were in a good place, he told me all this right away BUT he wouldn't let me see her messages or his responses. He assured me he put her in her place. He also told me he was very angry at her. Even hated her for making his work awkward. And he promised from then on he'd be more careful when talking to her. He wouldn't share music anymore or pictures or talk about personal things like his childhood anymore. I trusted him although I was worried because it reminded me so much of the past but I tried to look past it. I needed constant reassurance that he was going to stick to his word which he said over and over that he would. Not two weeks later he was talking to her again. He told me he had to because otherwise it would make his job awkward. I admit this hurt me a lot. I kept bringing it up, kept asking what she talked about that day. In the beginning before he began getting angry with me, he was open about it. He told me everything. Over the weeks of me asking he changed. Began getting irritable with me when I asked so I tried not to. He began getting mad at me for bringing my jealousy issues into his new home and would say that I tainted our new house and that everywhere he looked he got angry. I kept trying very hard not to make him mad but little things would set him off or even just being in one of the tainted areas.

Fights began to get so bad that he would break things and yell at me and say all these horrible things. Like how I was the biggest mistake he ever made, how I make his life miserable, how he wishes he never married me and how he could never imagine having children with me. etc. One night he told me these things and I sunk so low mentally that I took a bunch of benadryl. At the time I wished I was dead but was too scared to actually die...He caught me and called 911 and told me he was going to divorce me...That night was hell. The next day however, something changed...He became sweeter and we were better for awhile...However, he had started texting the coworker and talking to her while he was downstairs in his room. After a few weeks I found this out and asked him, crying, what was going on between them. He realized his fault in not telling me about it so he came upstairs and told me that he feels bad for her. That he cares about her and she had a rough childhood. He said she admitted that she likes him and he knows she still does but he said he didn't feel for her that way. That he wants to be with ME because I'm his wife and I mean something. He told me he knows he has anger issues and he needs to get help. He told me all these things and I trusted him...I figured as long as their relationship is strictly friends that I could deal with it. He told me he wished he knew how to take a step back and distance himself from her...This made me think he wanted my help, which lead to our next big fight.

A few weeks later we were at his brother's house for thanksgiving and I saw he was texting her. When we got into the car I suggested that when he is out with me that he don't text her and that'd help her to have distance from him and he blew up at me. Telling me he didn't want me advice on the subject and that it's none of my business.

Overtime their relationship has gotten even closer. He now goes down into his room and talks to her for hours before bed. Sometimes until 3am while I'm all alone up here and stressing out about it. He will hide the messages from me when I come downstairs for a hug and he does get irritable when he sees me look towards his computer. He texts her when he is out with me and will be rude to be if he sees me look over at his phone... This is my daily life now. I can't do anything to stop this or he will get angry with me. He keeps telling me he is miserable...And he NEEDS the alone time to talk to his friend...I do add that when he finally does come back to me he seems happier and is loving and sweet with me.

A week or so ago he was texting her in the car with me and he seemed agitated. I asked if everything was alright. I thought she had said something to set him off but he said it was fine. He seemed more and more agitated and I offered to drive back home so he could talk to her if she needed him for something. I was trying to be understanding...Trying to help...But he blew up at me and told me that he doesn't want me to ever try to be understanding or to try to help and to keep my mouth shut about it.

I know I've messed up and made him this way. I need to know how to fix myself so I can fix my marriage. How do we heal from this? How do I win him back? Is he in love with her? I'm just a housewife. I have no skills. I'm not impressive...I can't make him laugh anymore. When he is down there talking to her I always hear him laugh...It hurts. I have to turn on music to drown out the sound. What do I do? I love him so much and can't imagine my life without him. I'm in so much pain right now and I KNOW he is too but he won't communicate with me at all. Just her. Please help me...What can I do? I know this post is a huge mess...It would take 13 years to explain everything completely so these things I have mentioned are the BIG things that have torn us apart. I am in no way blaming my husband for what he is doing now. I truly believe I pushed him to it. I just need to know how to win him back...It seems like nothing I ever do is right and the smallest thing makes him angry.

I NEED to add that my husband is such a good and generous man when I'm not making him angry...He DOES try so hard and I honestly am amazed that he hasn't left me yet...I think deep down he loves me but there is so much past and grudges holding him back from loving me completely now. Please don't speak ill about him, he is my world. I love him unconditionally.


Last edited by Krystalfaerie; 12-22-2016 at 12:59 AM.
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post #2 of 33 (permalink) Old 12-22-2016, 10:18 AM
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Re: My jealousy issues drove him to another woman. How do I fix my marriage now?

It sounds like both you and your husband have serious issues that each of you needs to work on.

But, you do not make your husband be abusive. You did not make him cheat. If he was unhappy in your marriage, you could have just divorced you. Cheating is on him and him alone.

My suggestion is that you find a counselor at a place that helps victims of abuse. Search for a place near you. Get the help you need to fix yourself. Then and only then can you work on fixing your marriage, if it can even be fixed.
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post #3 of 33 (permalink) Old 12-22-2016, 10:55 AM
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Re: My jealousy issues drove him to another woman. How do I fix my marriage now?

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Originally Posted by Krystalfaerie View Post
I know I've messed up and made him this way.
You didn't make him that way. Or any way. You've got enough of your own problems you don't need to take responsibility for his.

As far as the rest of it goes- some people just aren't a good match for each other. Or anyone else for that matter.

Work on yourself. Then maybe one day meet someone who doesn't feed your negative personality attributes, at least those you haven't addressed in therapy with a licensed, trained, competent professional.
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post #4 of 33 (permalink) Old 12-22-2016, 11:07 AM
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Re: My jealousy issues drove him to another woman. How do I fix my marriage now?

No one can MAKE the other person cheat! Stop taking that responsibility on yourself for HIS bad decisions. You were within your right for wanting him to stay away from women who had an interest in him...he should have known to do that himself. He is an abuser and a cheater, and that is NOT your fault, so STOP taking the blame for this! What you ARE responsible for is that you stay with this ass. THAT is all on you.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

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post #5 of 33 (permalink) Old 12-22-2016, 11:13 AM
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Re: My jealousy issues drove him to another woman. How do I fix my marriage now?

First - you are better then how he is treating you. You deserve better. That may be hard to comprehend but it is 100% true.

Second? Kids? If not, DONT.

You are young, follow the advice above. Especially seeking counseling to help you understand where YOU start and where YOU end... because to think you caused his abuse is not accurate. You need to change that thought process.
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post #6 of 33 (permalink) Old 12-22-2016, 11:26 AM
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Re: My jealousy issues drove him to another woman. How do I fix my marriage now?

What you need most right now is to start seeing a therapist. They'll help you set healthy boundaries in your life.
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post #7 of 33 (permalink) Old 12-22-2016, 11:49 AM
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Re: My jealousy issues drove him to another woman. How do I fix my marriage now?

This is all very strange sounding. What country are you from/do you live in?
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post #8 of 33 (permalink) Old 12-22-2016, 12:37 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My jealousy issues drove him to another woman. How do I fix my marriage now?

So you all think he is cheating? Even though he has told me he only cares for her as a friend? He isn't like other guys who would cheat. And I trust him when he says that...I just don't think he would ever cheat on me without having the respect to leave me first before he moves on. I mean in the past when I hear about someone cheating on someone else and call them a scum bag he would say things like "Maybe he wasn't happy in his relationship" : / When he is happy, he is sweet and cuddles with me. He holds me and tells me he isn't angry with me and he wants to be with me... The way he looks at me when he's happy makes me feel safe. Is it possible they are just friends and that talking to her is helping him to heal from our past problems in a way that I can't offer because I was the one who caused those problems?
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post #9 of 33 (permalink) Old 12-22-2016, 12:42 PM
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Re: My jealousy issues drove him to another woman. How do I fix my marriage now?

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Originally Posted by Krystalfaerie View Post
So you all think he is cheating? Even though he has told me he only cares for her as a friend? He isn't like other guys who would cheat. And I trust him when he says that...I just don't think he would ever cheat on me without having the respect to leave me first before he moves on. I mean in the past when I hear about someone cheating on someone else and call them a scum bag he would say things like "Maybe he wasn't happy in his relationship" : / When he is happy, he is sweet and cuddles with me. He holds me and tells me he isn't angry with me and he wants to be with me... The way he looks at me when he's happy makes me feel safe. Is it possible they are just friends and that talking to her is helping him to heal from our past problems in a way that I can't offer because I was the one who caused those problems?
This is what cheaters do. You cannot believe a word he says. He is lying that she is only a friend, and he should not be turning to any other woman to "help him heal from your past problems".

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

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post #10 of 33 (permalink) Old 12-22-2016, 12:46 PM
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Re: My jealousy issues drove him to another woman. How do I fix my marriage now?

CYCLES OF INTIMATE PARTNER ABUSE

•Abuse
– Your abusive partner lashes out with aggressive, belittling, or violent
behavior. The abuse is a power play designed to show you "who is boss."

•Guilt – After abusing you, your partner feels guilt, but
not over what he's done. He’s more worried about the possibility of being caught
and facing consequences for his abusive behavior.

•Excuses – Your
abuser rationalizes what he or she has done. The person may come up with a
string of excuses or blame you for the abusive
behavior—anything to avoid taking responsibility.

•"Normal" behavior — The abuser does everything he can to
regain control and keep the victim in the relationship. He may act as if nothing
has happened, or he may turn on the charm. This peaceful honeymoon phase may
give the victim hope that the abuser has really changed this time.

•Fantasy and planning – Your abuser begins to fantasize
about abusing you again. He spends a lot of time thinking about what you’ve done
wrong and how he'll make you pay. Then he makes a plan for turning the fantasy
of abuse into reality.

•Set-up – Your abuser sets you up and puts his plan in
motion, creating a situation where he can justify abusing you.

Your abuser’s apologies and loving gestures in between the episodes of abuse
can make it difficult to leave. He may make you believe that you are the only
person who can help him, that things will be different this time, and that he
truly loves you. However, the dangers of staying are very real.
(provided By Helpguide.org)


Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

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post #11 of 33 (permalink) Old 12-22-2016, 01:48 PM
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Re: My jealousy issues drove him to another woman. How do I fix my marriage now?

oh dear...

You have been conditioned to believe your husband's happiness is your responsibility. You see nothing wrong with his behavior towards the other woman because you cannot imagine a life in which he cheats.

I would suggest little victories... Small victories will make you stronger. Start with yourself. Do you have a job? Do you have friends outside your marriage? What are you good at doing? Do you have hobbies? Work on making YOU happy without your husband

Reading what you wrote, he does not respect and never has. He has always been liberal with his actions. A marriage (or relationship) is about respect and love. He is treating you like a doormat... I am sorry to say this but it is true.
Leaving your husband will be a tremendous endeavor. You are not ready to do this yet, I feel so awful for you....

Work on yourself please. I hope one day you see the light.

Trust me, leaving an abusive relationship is so difficult but oh so worth it!! I was where you are. I am still a mess. I am still trying to find ME because I lost myself during my 15 year marriage. I too wanted nothing but to make ex happy. WE CANNOT. I am so sorry

I say Left, but mean Purple
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post #12 of 33 (permalink) Old 12-22-2016, 01:50 PM
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Re: My jealousy issues drove him to another woman. How do I fix my marriage now?

I don't really read any further when I read an adult of 20 and a child of 15. Seriously. It's a shocker there was cheating and abusiveness and immaturity. Neither of you have fully developed yet and have stunted your own growth.
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post #13 of 33 (permalink) Old 12-22-2016, 01:56 PM
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Re: My jealousy issues drove him to another woman. How do I fix my marriage now?

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I don't really read any further when I read an adult of 20 and a child of 15. Seriously. It's a shocker there was cheating and abusiveness and immaturity. Neither of you have fully developed yet and have stunted your own growth.
This is the exact reason why I asked what country they're in. That's statutory rape if there was sex involved.
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post #14 of 33 (permalink) Old 12-22-2016, 02:38 PM
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Re: My jealousy issues drove him to another woman. How do I fix my marriage now?

You were 15 when this relationship started. You are scared and have no idea what its like out there on your own. i PROMIS its easier in your twenties. Don't let this guy manipulate and gaslight you into staying another year longer. Start getting strong, because the relationship you detailed out is A LITERAL NIGHTMARE for most people.

YOU ARE NOT THIS HORRIBLE WIFE THAT DROVE HER HUSAND TO CHEAT! got that? You did not cause this. You were 15 when the relationship started. You were immature and jealous. Stop apologizing for youthful ignorance. You are now jealous because you have good reason to be.

He is in an affair. And I'm sure it has been physical.... Im sorry, but your husband is not a pro at lying... You just want so much to believe him. (Its okay... In some respects we are the same. I married my high school sweet heart. Met at 16, married at 19.) I know what its like to be scared about what is out there if I were no longer with him...


YOU are young. You will be desirable, and you CAN have a healthy relationship... I just don't believe you can have one with your current husband.
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post #15 of 33 (permalink) Old 12-22-2016, 02:43 PM
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Re: My jealousy issues drove him to another woman. How do I fix my marriage now?

So they are 28 and 33 now give or take?

Yes, a 20 yo dating a 15 yo says a lot about his character.

Guards you like a warden. Barks at any other male that happens to glance your way. "No male doctors!" Good grief

He's cheated once - emotionally and a little bit physically. So yeah he probably is or has done much more. Love the double standard that you are expected to not even talk to 50% of the world but he can sample different women when he gets the itch.

Therapist; ASAP. Figure out why your self esteem is so low.

My story: After a night on the town with him, wife exchanged inappropriate texts with her former boss.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...-she-road.html
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