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Sexual Attr. or Respect?

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#1 ·
Is it better to have more sexual attraction for your SO than respect, or more respect and less sexual attraction?
 
#3 ·
I think respect will lead to sexual attraction. Sexual attraction on its own can burn out quickly without respect.

Earn her respect (her trust).
 
#4 ·
Sexual attraction is usually a cut and dry feeling, either you are or not attracted to someone, but respect has to be earned and maintained. You can earn someone's respect with your actions but if they are not sexually attracted to you then there is not much you can do.

But in saying that there is so much more to sexually attraction that's just the physical. Whether you respect someone has a play in that as well. I myself need both from my spouse, I need to be respected and have him find me sexually attractive.
 
#8 ·
Sexual attraction is usually a cut and dry feeling, either you are or not attracted to someone, but respect has to be earned and maintained. You can earn someone's respect with your actions but if they are not sexually attracted to you then there is not much you can do.
I hear what you are saying. The first time my husband and I saw each other, there was instant physical/sexual attraction.

But without the other things to back that up, the raw attraction would not have mattered.

But in saying that there is so much more to sexually attraction that's just the physical. Whether you respect someone has a play in that as well. I myself need both from my spouse, I need to be respected and have him find me sexually attractive.
I was a bit surprised to see this, as I would not think to say this. But I am guessing this comes from your husband's having used porn in the past?
 
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#6 ·
That's a good question. However, I'm not sure if it can be answered. After all, you can have great sexual attraction for a very sexy mate who has little or no integrity, and much respect for someone you are not sexually attracted to. On the one hand, you might be having a great sex life with someone who is cheating on you, and on the other, you might be treated like gold by a respected billionaire who you find gross.
 
#11 ·
I don't think we can know what will happen. We can make educated guesses about how things might turn out. I think that's all anyone does.

I think respect must be earned and maintained over a lifetime. I know I can't help who I am attracted to. I have a tough time building that attraction from nothing, but respect can increase or rather deepen my love and attraction for someone I am already attracted to.

I think there has to be some respect there already, along with sexual desire. I've had relationships of both types. It was tough to grow in respect for one, even though I wanted her any time, any place she was wanting me for sex.

I still don't respect her in the manner that she deserves. I still find her sexually attractive, no matter what has transpired.

I've respected more than desired one woman. My level of attraction increased, but in a more maturing type of way. I didn't desire her for wild sex, but for sex, yes. While the other, I desired for whatever in sex, though I could not care less what she talked about.

Abby Normal?
 
#15 ·
Water.
 
#18 ·
IMHO, it takes the perfect combination of both! And this applies to the both of us!

For me to ever be able to laciviously desire her lovely body, I also have to be into her intelligence!
 
#19 ·
My book it's respect. If I don't respect a woman I am with I couldn't have her as a significant other. I learned this first hand after my x wife cheated. She was still the same woman who prior to that moment I thought was a 10 out of 10 scale. But after D day I found , and still do , nothing physically attractive about her at all. This is tied to the fact I have zero respect for her.
 
#21 ·
Ideally, I agree that it is best to have equal amounts of respect and attraction. I agree that it is also ideal for both partners to have equal amounts of each for the other. Don't know if that makes any sense.

Anyway, I don't know how anyone could truly know since we keep those things within us, in part. Actions are the only way. It's too easy to learn what makes our partner feel respected and to do those things for manipulation purposes. So, I'm a bit skeptical.

With attraction, it's pretty clear when a man can't perform, or a woman just lies there.

Anyone have a clue how to be more certain of another's feelings?
 
#22 ·
I had great respect for my second wife. I had less attraction than respect.

It didn't work out well. Sometimes, I didn't think about sex.

I had great attraction for my first wife. I had little respect. I still could perform in the bedroom. In fact, that lack of total respect might have allowed me to be more free with my fantasies.

Is that weird? Isn't that the same as those who experiment with their sex life while single and having "fun"? That's sort of how I took it.

When married, the respect for their partner was so important, they didn't want to do some of those things they might with another. They didn't want to turn their spouse away, yet the man the don't really respect, but find attractive, could possibly get the kinkier stuff?

Don't know. I'm asking.

Seems like we want one thing in single life and another in married? I'm getting more confused. Sorry.
 
#24 ·
Sorry, I know they are tough questions. I know what I posted was controversial. I don't know everything. I just have to state it the only way I know how. It may be TMI or it may make folks afraid to answer. I don't mean for it to be that way. I just want to figure these things out.

I'm confused and a little afraid. That's why I started this thread. I don't want to make any major mistakes. I can't afford the pain any more. Thanks for the replies.
 
#26 ·
Sorry for you experiences. I'm not, nor have ever been one of those. Most here probably don't believe me, but it's true. There are few women I know that I'd care to get that physically intimate with. Maybe I'm an anomaly? So be it.

I wasn't taught to only show respect for women I feel something for, but I'm sure I've been disrespectful at times to women and men. I'm only human, after all. I can respect some things, but others, I cannot. It's best for me to just stay clear of those men or women I don't respect. I do that as well as I can.

It's obvious to me that you probably don't respect those men who do not respect you. Wouldn't that be doing the same thing you criticize? I'm not blaming you, but trying to get you to see that we can't respect everyone. We can only try.

I'm pretty much the same.
 
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#28 ·
Probably because it's not that easy to do either...earn a great deal of money or screw a pile of women. So, a choice must be made to either place most of your day's hours into learning to earn more or screw more. You can do more with money, and the more you earn, the more choices of women you will have, so, why not learn how to earn? That's the way I see it, even though I am poor.
 
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#29 ·
Probably because it's not that easy to do either...earn a great deal of money or screw a pile of women. So, a choice must be made to either place most of your day's hours into learning to earn more or screw more. You can do more with money and the more you earn, the more choices of women you will have, so, why not learn how to earn? That's the way I see it, even though I am poor.
Totally agree with the bolded. Money brings a lot of freedom.
 
#31 ·
One night stands... respect need not apply. It's solely about the physical attraction.

In marriage... wives don't have sex with husbands they don't respect.

Physical attraction is a huge part of why men marry a woman. That is not necessarily so for women. Yes, women want to marry the guy who makes them weak-kneed and swoon. But, they will marry a man with whom they have no physical attraction. The thing is, most men (8/10) are clueless about this fact.
 
#44 ·
Depends on what you want? Do you want to control your spouse or be partners / equals? Do you want to share decision making or do you want them to be submissive to your desires?

In terms of overt stereotyping, I would think in general it is better for heterosexual women if their man respects them than if he finds her sexually attractive. And for heterosexual men, the opposite. YMMV.
 
#45 ·
Depends on what you want? Do you want to control your spouse or be partners / equals?

So, by not respecting them, you are controlling them? Or, do you mean by having sexual attraction for them you are controlling them? I'm not following....at all. Please expand and explain. You may have a very valid pov that I am missing.


Do you want to share decision making or do you want them to be submissive to your desires?

Yeah, I'm not getting into submission here. You don't understand it. I don't either, but know enough that you aren't correct in your assumptions so far. Besides, that's not really what I was intending when I started this thread. Though, I can see how my thoughts could be turned into that type of discussion or argument. No thanks.

In terms of overt stereotyping, I would think in general it is better for heterosexual women if their man respects them than if he finds her sexually attractive. And for heterosexual men, the opposite. YMMV.
I think the SIM area would disagree with your assertions. Remember, respect is earned. It would take not having sex with the object of your desires, time and togetherness to earn that respect. That's tough to do and not very progressive.

However, it seems that is what you are suggesting, which is perplexing.

I had respect for my second wife. I had more for her than any other person I knew. She earned it with her responses, her demeanor under pressure, her intelligence, her logic, her conclusions, her eagerness and, my mistake, her integrity. The last one was the one I made the most glaring mistake on. I don't care about the others or even that last one any more.

However, I simply posted that for example, to show that we can have respect, and not find greater and greater attraction. We had a limited marital sex life.

As I think I posted in this thread, my first wife was hotter, but I had little respect for her, though I have grown in respect for her over the years. My attraction for her was inexplicable and undeniable.

I don't even know why my hormones go crazy when I am around her. I don't want her to be my wife. I don't want to have sex with her. She is married. However, I sure could if she wanted and we were both single.

I still don't have the respect for her that I did for my second wife.

Hope that helps you get the idea.

So, which is better?
 
#46 ·
I don't think it is so much a gender thing as a direction thing.

So maybe I would say it is always and everywhere a good thing that your spouse find you hot. It is not always and everywhere a good thing that you find your spouse hot. So it is more important that your spouse find you hot than that they respect you. And it is more important that you respect your spouse than that you find them hot.

Of course, it is best if both of you feel both about your spouse. But it doesn't always work out that way.
 
#47 ·
I don't think it is so much a gender thing as a direction thing.

You mean a control thing? Like, who wants to be in control the most? Not sure what that means.

So maybe I would say it is always and everywhere a good thing that your spouse find you hot. It is not always and everywhere a good thing that you find your spouse hot. So it is more important that your spouse find you hot than that they respect you. And it is more important that you respect your spouse than that you find them hot.

So, if my spouse finds me hot, but I don't find her hot, she won't notice me looking at women I think are hot? She won't know by how passionate I am about sex? On the other hand, if I respect her, she will believe I am hot for her?

If I am hot for her, but she is not hot for me, I won't notice it by how passionate she is about sex? On the other hand, if she respects me, I will be hot for her?

Sounds like a typical LD marriage where someone is very unhappy and confused as to why they aren't getting any sex when they are or seem to be treated with respect. Of course, this is not respect. It's certainly something, though.

Also, isn't it easier to control a person if I am not hot for them and they are for me? Can't they be manipulated more easily? That seems dangerously like abuse. It would be an unhappy life for the one who is hot for the other.

Lots to think about in your statements.

Of course, it is best if both of you feel both about your spouse. But it doesn't always work out that way.
I'm beginning to think you must have both or it won't work. I still haven't figured out why you are thinking this is a gender issue? I'm a male, so I would look at it from my perspective, not a woman's. I can't really understand a woman's perspective or read a woman's mind. And, I started the thread, so it would be tough to ask as if I was a woman.

That only happens in movies. :)
 
#48 ·
I said at the top of my latest post that it is NOT a gender issue. What I meant by "direction" is whether you are the person who feels the feeling or the person on the receiving end of the feeling.

Of course if you want it to work well for both people, then both of them should both respect their spouse and find them hot. And if someone neither respects their spouse nor finds them hot, that marriage is doomed to unhappiness.

As for only having one but not the other, to me the worst is to find your partner hot but they do not find you hot. That stinks. Even if they respect you. Your partner finding you hot but you not finding them hot is for me better than the other way around.

I can only relate my experience. I started out finding my partner hot and respecting her. She respected me but did not find me hot. That was awful for me. Over time I lost respect for her (huge overspending) but was still hot for her (despite huge weight gain). Still awful for me. Now she has lost weight but I am old and tired and no longer hot for her. Much easier for me. So in my experience, what hurts is your partner not finding you hot. My not finding her hot has been far less painful. In fact, now that we stopped having sex, she is much happier with our relationship. Hence my focus on the importance of the inbound direction (how one's partner feels about one) rather than the outbound direction (how one feels about one's partner).
 
#50 ·
I made a note to reply to this...
A relationship is unlikely to work with only one or the other. But this wasn't your question. As to how much of each...This really depends. All I can say is that I believe that for a longterm success in a partnership (and this is just from personal experience and observations) sexual attraction plays a MUCH more important role for women than many men realise or many women might admit to and the reverse is true for men...That's another generalisation, but you really need a lot of both (ideally).
 
#51 ·
Thanks inmyprime. That was well thought out. I appreciate that.


Well, I think, shh don't tell anyone, that women need to be wanted more than respected, and men need to be respected more than wanted. oops.......I'm gonna get in trouble for that one. Sorry folks. I don't mean to be a rotten mysoginist or however you spell it. I don't care.......:)

Also, I sort of came to that conclusion and others after I started this thread. I've been thinking plenty about it and the replies.

I just have an issue with how much, like you said. I mean, women don't, oh boy, here I go again, generalizing....I'm so sorry....seem to like when a man is too clingy. Many men seem to get clingy when they love a woman. I think they want to protect her, but end up suffocating her. So, to counter that, it seems less respect for her is needed, so he wants her and wants to protect her, but isn't that worried, so he goes and does his thing until he wants some from her.

In the mean time, he talks when she needs him and listens and empathizes with her. He helps her, but he doesn't spend as much time with her as she would like. Almost, but not quite. It doesn't bother him, either, cause he figures she can handle it. A bit of a lack of love and respect, in my opinion, causes that.

I honestly don't know for sure, though. I'm still thinking aloud here, to some extent.
 
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