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post #31 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 11:10 AM
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Re: Partners change of heart but I am pregnant

No, he doesn't get to come around your apartment on weekends to "hold the baby." What an ass.

Meet with an attorney who practices family law and have them advise you how to set up a visitation schedule, legally through the courts. Arrange for someone else (your mom?) to make the swap. Pump breast milk to send along with his visit. He doesn't sound much like father material, so he'll likely be very unreliable with visits, maybe disappear altogether. And you'll still receive child support payments anyway.

Do NOT let him just show up unless it's one of his regularly scheduled visits.


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post #32 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 11:33 AM
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Re: Partners change of heart but I am pregnant

You can refuse to be a doormat and not worry about what he "intends" to do.

No, he doesn't get to come over. He has no power except what you give him.

File for child support and set up court ordered visitation plan, then tell him to **** off.

Then block him in every way unless it's kid related, and stick to the court ordered plan.

That's how you start to heal.
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post #33 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 11:42 AM Thread Starter
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You should look up narcissistic personality disorder, he has a lot of the hallmark traits of that. Once you read about that, you'll see that they lack empathy, and life is all about their needs, wants, desires...and their partners are all just playthings that they put on a shelf until they want to play with them again.
And work on healing, it is hard to heal from a break up with a person like this. They don't want to let you go because they want to still use you when it suits. You'll have to go no contact...meaning, no texting, no emailing, no face book, no social media, and block his number, or he will haunt you forever. I've dated men like this, and they don't ever let you go, you have to sever it. He will keep reopening the wound over and over, if you let him.

Hugs and hope you go NC.
I am expecting with him and he doesn't seem to want to be out his daughters life. I wish I could go no contact with him. That'd be my dream honestly :/
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post #34 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 12:12 PM Thread Starter
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Just today I was messaged with the things he bought the baby. I don't think I am dealing with someone who intends to disappear at all. I feel like this story becomes more complex by the minute.
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post #35 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 03:27 PM
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Re: Partners change of heart but I am pregnant

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Just today I was messaged with the things he bought the baby. I don't think I am dealing with someone who intends to disappear at all. I feel like this story becomes more complex by the minute.
Why are you reading his texts?

Block him.

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post #36 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 04:48 PM
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Re: Partners change of heart but I am pregnant

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Keeping him away is no longer an option..he has respected to stay away for the birth and to give me a few weeks to adjust after birth however he has fully expressed he wants some form of visitation then after. Has agreed to court ordered child support as well. She will be breastfed and not be given bottles just like I did with previous DS. He fully intends to be around my home even if just weekends to hold her. How on earth is this healthy for me? How do people move on in a situation like this? Seems impossibly insane.
It is insane under the circumstances. You do not have to allow him to visit with your child in your home. He most likely wants to spend time in your place so that he can continue to play games with you and mess with your head. See a lawyer. Find out what your rights are so that you (and your child) are protected from him. Let him go through the court system to get a visitation schedule in place. It can be set up so that he sees your child in a neutral location, even so that you do not have to see him.

The court will order that he pay child support. It does no matter if he agrees to it.

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This guy cheated on me, put me out of my own home, didn't care my son cried and suffered his absence, had the audacity to tell me about the lifestyle he was living, the # of women he slept with(2) and now that he's all done with that....he's "sorry" "didn't ever mean to hurt me" "and is going to find the one for him one way or another" ...his words. I cut the conversation politely after this. I do not need to hear this. I almost wish I could see what on earth he's thinking how did we go from fine to "Im not happy" "I love you but not in love with you" everything going to hell after to the current feeble apologies he's throwing my way. What is he thinking?!
Heís clearly delusional; probably a narcissist. Stop talking to him. If he calls do not answer the phone. If he texts, do not reply. If he calls from a number you do not recognize, then just hang up when you hear his voice. If he tries to talk to you in person, tell him to get away from you and walk way. If he purses you, start yelling, dial 911 and report that heís following you and harassing you. If he comes to your door, shut and lock the door as soon as you see it is him. If he bangs on the door or forces his way in, call 911 and file a complaint of breaking and entry, or attempted assault, or anything. You have to let him know that you do not want to hear from him or talk to him again. You have 100% power to stop all his contact with you. If he wants to see his child, he has to go through the court system.
You can start this by sending him a text telling him to not call you, come to your home or approach you in public. If he needs to communicate about the baby, to do so via text or email only. Tell him you are serious about having no more personal contact with him. That puts him on notice to leave you alone.
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I was just peachy before.....and now I feel like he's reopening an old wound. How can I begin to deal with is all over again?
You donít need to deal with it all over again. You are not one allowing him back into your life on some level. So stop it. Stop talking to him. Just stop it.

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post #37 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 04:54 PM
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Re: Partners change of heart but I am pregnant

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I am expecting with him and he doesn't seem to want to be out his daughters life. I wish I could go no contact with him. That'd be my dream honestly :/
You can go no contact in that there is no personal contact.

Tell him that you will not talk to him in person or on the phone. You will only accept text messages and email from him. All communication with him has to be this way. And that you can only communicate with your on topics related to your daughter.

He has zero need to talk to you about anything but you child. And all of that can go through text/email.

I had to do that with my son's father because he was a problem. It worked very well. I had my lawyer put that in the court documents.

Why did you even sit there and listen to that garbage he was saying about him looking for another woman all about his life? I'm not expecting an answer. I'm trying to get you to realize that you are letting him step all over you. If you don't want to hear this garbage from him, the just stop him if and when he tries it again. Just look at him and tell him something like "I don't care to hear about your nonsense." and then hang up or leave or tell him to leave.

You need to look at yourself and figure out why you allow him to do this to you.

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post #38 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 04:57 PM
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Re: Partners change of heart but I am pregnant

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Just today I was messaged with the things he bought the baby. I don't think I am dealing with someone who intends to disappear at all. I feel like this story becomes more complex by the minute.
This is a guy who jumps from one thing/woman/etc to the next in a heart beat. The current excitement is a new baby. He'll most likely move on from her too.

That said, he can be excited about the baby as he wants to be. The fact is that you don't need to hear about it. So he bought the baby some clothing. So what.

Did you reply to him? If so what did you say?

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post #39 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 05:07 PM Thread Starter
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I asked if his parents bought the clothing. His parents are highly invested in this child nearly to the point im petrified they'll go for grandparents rights. I live in NY. I believe I allow him to text me out of pure fear he will fight for visitation. I hear NY is very mighty into not witholding the child from dad. He's willing to pay child support as well and prove paternity. My fear and anxiety is what keeps me from blocking his texts and playing "nice". Here I am due any minute and rather than enjoying this time im shaking in fear of what is to come. I am just afraid for my baby .....
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post #40 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 05:09 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by imlost2989 View Post
Just today I was messaged with the things he bought the baby. I don't think I am dealing with someone who intends to disappear at all. I feel like this story becomes more complex by the minute.
Why are you reading his texts?

Block him.
Fear pure fear of what is to come in the next days ....though the stress may put me in labor today.

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post #41 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 07:24 PM
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Re: Partners change of heart but I am pregnant

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Fear pure fear of what is to come in the next days ....though the stress may put me in labor today.
Take a step back for a minute.....how exactly is responding to him going to help your fear? What are you getting out of this?

I sense you're still holding out hope that he'll come back. But you can't beg or nice someone back.....that only makes you seem less valuable.

Play hardball. Even if he did come back why would you want him? He's shown you what kind of man he is.
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post #42 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 07:36 PM
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Re: Partners change of heart but I am pregnant

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I asked if his parents bought the clothing. His parents are highly invested in this child nearly to the point im petrified they'll go for grandparents rights. I live in NY.
They can see the child when she's with her father.
In New York, grandparents have a legal right to request court-ordered visitation when:
  • one or both parents die
  • they have a substantial existing relationship with their grandchildren, or
  • the childís parents have interfered with their efforts to establish or maintain a relationship.
Do Grandparents Have Visitation Rights in New York? | DivorceNet.com

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Originally Posted by imlost2989 View Post
I believe I allow him to text me out of pure fear he will fight for visitation. I hear NY is very mighty into not witholding the child from dad. He's willing to pay child support as well and prove paternity. My fear and anxiety is what keeps me from blocking his texts and playing "nice". Here I am due any minute and rather than enjoying this time im shaking in fear of what is to come. I am just afraid for my baby .....
The way you are doing this is going to increase the amount of time he gets with the child. If you let him visit in your home and spend time with her, he will be able to claim that he has been a big part of her life from day one.

You are giving into his bs out of fear. That will only lead to him having control over you and your child that you do not want him to have. Let him go through the courts. They are going to give him some kind of visitation. You know that. But you don't have to put up with his bs.

You are doing a lot more than playing 'nice'. YOu are letting him have enough access to you to hurt you and play games with you. You can tell him that the only thing you will communicate with him about is your child. When he wants to go on about his life and other women, kindly remind him that you will not listen to that.

For right now, you have to much on your plate. Talking to him, his texts, etc are more than you can deal with. Just tell him that. The next time he texts you, ignore the text. Do not reply to any text or phone call until after you have the baby. If he bugs you, gets nasty, etc. Just text back that with the child birth you have too much going on to be able to text/talk.

You need to put your foot down.

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post #43 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 07:38 PM
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Re: Partners change of heart but I am pregnant

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Fear pure fear of what is to come in the next days ....though the stress may put me in labor today.
fear of what?

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post #44 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 09:06 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by imlost2989 View Post
I asked if his parents bought the clothing. His parents are highly invested in this child nearly to the point im petrified they'll go for grandparents rights. I live in NY.
They can see the child when she's with her father.
In New York, grandparents have a legal right to request court-ordered visitation when:
  • one or both parents die
    they have a substantial existing relationship with their grandchildren, or
    the child?s parents have interfered with their efforts to establish or maintain a relationship.
Do Grandparents Have Visitation Rights in New York? | DivorceNet.com

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Originally Posted by imlost2989 View Post
I believe I allow him to text me out of pure fear he will fight for visitation. I hear NY is very mighty into not witholding the child from dad. He's willing to pay child support as well and prove paternity. My fear and anxiety is what keeps me from blocking his texts and playing "nice". Here I am due any minute and rather than enjoying this time im shaking in fear of what is to come. I am just afraid for my baby .....
The way you are doing this is going to increase the amount of time he gets with the child. If you let him visit in your home and spend time with her, he will be able to claim that he has been a big part of her life from day one.

You are giving into his bs out of fear. That will only lead to him having control over you and your child that you do not want him to have. Let him go through the courts. They are going to give him some kind of visitation. You know that. But you don't have to put up with his bs.

You are doing a lot more than playing 'nice'. YOu are letting him have enough access to you to hurt you and play games with you. You can tell him that the only thing you will communicate with him about is your child. When he wants to go on about his life and other women, kindly remind him that you will not listen to that.

For right now, you have to much on your plate. Talking to him, his texts, etc are more than you can deal with. Just tell him that. The next time he texts you, ignore the text. Do not reply to any text or phone call until after you have the baby. If he bugs you, gets nasty, etc. Just text back that with the child birth you have too much going on to be able to text/talk.

You need to put your foot down.
I will put my foot down. Sometimes my fear of not being in control of what happens to my children over takes me. I will no longer cater to this monster in hopes he will be kind enough not to fight me for custody. I will start standing up for myself and keep him away as much as I can. I hope and pray that what my friends and family say (that he will be a dead beat/non present dad) the minute he sees he cannot manipulate me or get under my skin. I'd much rather he decide that...I am not afraid to be a single mom. Have done it before with my first child I don't mind doing it again with 2. Also I will start demanding he email me ...his texts create anxiety that I can do without. I hope that my next update is a positive one
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post #45 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 04:19 PM Thread Starter
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Update before baby arrives!!: My exF. emailed hospital discharge papers where he was given the initial evaluation of Bipolar disorder. They did not keep him and so they allowed him to walk with the agreement a social worker will contact him. FYI He did not go willingly his mother took him in(he keeps running away from help). I'm very aware of this disorder but this was a definite curveball. I'm not really sure what to gain from writing this update except to vent. I had my suspicions he had a mood disorder from the moment I was discarded but I didn't want to diagnose him as I'm not qualified. I'm rather convinced he's manic/hypomanic or in a mixed episode. It is obvious his interest in our daughter is also just talk ...his actions prove otherwise. My due date is Thursday and if nothing occurs I'll be induced next week, now that I can see he's not truly really interested I can breathe easy knowing my post partum time will be peaceful. The logistics of custody will come after. I'm just trying to wrap my head around what his diagnosis now means for the future; I am done with the relationship however.
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