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post #16 of 67 (permalink) Old 01-04-2017, 12:49 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Marriage Troubles - Seeking Advice

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Originally Posted by Loveontherocks View Post
Hi, sorry to hear of you marital troubles.

I know a bit about binge eating and eating disorders as someone close to me suffers from them. The person binge eating is usually doing it for comfort, it happens when they are feeling low, they use food as a coping mechanism but afterwards they always feel guilty about it. The vast majority of people who binge eat are insecure and more than likely depressed. Have you tried talking to your wife about this?

She has probably developed huge insecurities due to the weight gain and because you've stated your "detest" obese people then that's probably why she has withdrawn from intimacy. I understand you try to help her with meals and training and so on but the problem lies within, she needs professional help for whatever may be going on with her mentally at the moment and only once that's addressed can she begin to try to work on her weight with healthy eating and training as so on. If she doesn't get help to see what the root cause of her eating disorder is then trying a diet and so on is just papering over the cracks, and will only be a temporary fix.

I understand you have views on fitness and obesity but to say you detest obese people is i horrible thing to say, these are normal people just like yourself and a lot of them suffering with eating disorders just like your wife, Just because someone's overweight doesn't mean you should detest them, that's such a horrible view to have.


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Thanks for the great reply and for the insight! I'll be honest in that I have little experience with such disorders and so I have no real frame of reference as to understand the underline reason for them. And, as you mentioned, everything that I have tried thus far has been little more than a temporary fix.

She has been seeing a therapist for a while now but I've not seen any change in behavior so I can only assume that it's not helping. Perhaps a different therapist might be the right answer.

As for the "detest" comment, you're right. It's the behavior and lack of effort to change that I detest, not the people. An example of poorly chosen words there. I've actually worked with many people who were overweight in helping them to change their lifestyle and understand the truth and the lies within the fitness world. In almost all cases, these people wanted to live better lives but simply didn't know how. It was the greatest reward to see the changes and how happy they were in the end.

I suppose my mistake was thinking that since I've helped train all these Soldiers to become a leaner/healthier version of themselves that it would be easy for me to help my wife as well. But like you mentioned, the core problem has to be addressed and resolved before anything else can have a lasting effect.

Understanding and compassion are areas I know I struggle with. I suppose it comes from too many years of being told to "suck it up Soldier..."

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post #17 of 67 (permalink) Old 01-04-2017, 12:51 PM
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Re: Marriage Troubles - Seeking Advice

I agree, get into marriage counseling. If she refuses to go, you need to set a deadline. If things don't improve, you start the separation process. I've been in your shoes. My ex wife didn't gain a lot of weight until the last few years, but our main issues was unhappiness and not even being roommates. We hated each other. No sex for 4+ years. I'm now coming up on 1 year of being separated and loving life again. I see my kids 50% of the time, which is the worst part about it. I don't care about the ~$1k each month I give her. My happiness is worth more than anything money can buy.

You need to show her you won't tolerate it and will take action. If she thinks your bluffing, then she'll continue to gain weight to make you more miserable. The hardest thing you'll ever have to do is when you call it quits and disrupt your children's world. It's the most painful month of your life. But the good news is, time marches on and goes by fast. After the first month, it gets easier. After a year, you'll be almost fully recovered (emotionally and financially). Good luck.
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post #18 of 67 (permalink) Old 01-04-2017, 12:51 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Marriage Troubles - Seeking Advice

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I can't help but think that if this was a husband who had gained weight and wouldn't address it or did so only for a few days people would be screaming for the wife to divorce him.

He's a career military person... it isn't him who changed in the marriage. His wife married a guy who was in charge, fit and didn't like out-of-shape people. He married a woman who was fit and active and it's SHE who has changed.

I would suggest that they both go to counseling together where they can both express how they feel about the situation with a referee guiding the conversation.
This pretty much sums things up. I'm hesitant about going to a counselor though as I'm comfortable with "doing," not so much with "talking."
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post #19 of 67 (permalink) Old 01-04-2017, 01:09 PM
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Re: Marriage Troubles - Seeking Advice

I'm with you dude, I detest obese people, they're really unattractive, oftentimes they don't smell all that good, and they are a huge reason why health insurance rates are through the roof.

Luckily for me I'm in a relationship with a woman who keeps herself fit.. for the most part. The last year she's put on a few pounds and she knows I'm not happy about it because my attraction drops and along with it so does the sex.

She's working on it- for herself but also because she knows I'm not ok with it.

If I was in your position, first off I'd ignore all the "shallow" and "you must accept" comments because they're just not going to help your situation, you can't help how you feel and you don't need to be thinking there's anything wrong with how you think. I'm going to bet that most people who make such posts about you being shallow and non accepting are wearing pants or dresses that are way into the oversize or "plus" category, and as such those posts should be taken with the proverbial grain of salt.

I'm thinking things won't change, and ultimately you'll divorce her and find a younger, slimmer fit women who actually gives a crap about her health and appearance, but you could at least give your wife the benefit of full disclosure. She loses the weight or she loses you. Might not do anything but at least you can say you tried.

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post #20 of 67 (permalink) Old 01-04-2017, 01:24 PM
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Re: Marriage Troubles - Seeking Advice

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Thanks for the great reply and for the insight! I'll be honest in that I have little experience with such disorders and so I have no real frame of reference as to understand the underline reason for them. And, as you mentioned, everything that I have tried thus far has been little more than a temporary fix.



She has been seeing a therapist for a while now but I've not seen any change in behavior so I can only assume that it's not helping. Perhaps a different therapist might be the right answer.



As for the "detest" comment, you're right. It's the behavior and lack of effort to change that I detest, not the people. An example of poorly chosen words there. I've actually worked with many people who were overweight in helping them to change their lifestyle and understand the truth and the lies within the fitness world. In almost all cases, these people wanted to live better lives but simply didn't know how. It was the greatest reward to see the changes and how happy they were in the end.



I suppose my mistake was thinking that since I've helped train all these Soldiers to become a leaner/healthier version of themselves that it would be easy for me to help my wife as well. But like you mentioned, the core problem has to be addressed and resolved before anything else can have a lasting effect.



Understanding and compassion are areas I know I struggle with. I suppose it comes from too many years of being told to "suck it up Soldier..."


I totally understand what you're saying and agree with a lot of it. As you've helped people beat the vicious cycle of over eating I suppose it can be frustrating when you see your wife struggle. Just be there for her as much as you can, offer to be a listening ear for her, ask her how she is and and show that you are willing to make the effort to help her no matter what it takes.

If she knows she can confide in you and open up to you it will feel like huge relief for her, she probably feels due to your views from your army training and so on that you won't understand her, she maybe feels a bit insecure around you because she realises she has put on some weight. Just try and reassure her that it doesn't matter, you want to help her, and most importantly that you still love her.

It's a good sign that she's admitted to you about the binge eating, that's the first step, a lot of sufferers live in denial and keep it hidden from their loved ones. The fact she told you shows she has trust in you. Her getting therapy is a huge step in the right direction but it's no quick fix, it could take months or even years before she recovers, just be patient and loving for now and always try and talk through her problems with her and be a good listener, women need that from a spouse.

I hope it all gets sorted for you both and you find some happiness.


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post #21 of 67 (permalink) Old 01-04-2017, 02:28 PM
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Re: Marriage Troubles - Seeking Advice

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Is there a "safe" way to ask the question without hurting her feelings? See, as an extreme type-A personality, communication skills are definitely not on my top 10 list of great abilities.
That's what I figured. Guess what women tend to do when living with type-A men?

Withdraw. Protect themselves. Stop sharing. Stop being honest. Get depressed. Lose self-worth. Binge eat.

This isn't her issue.
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post #22 of 67 (permalink) Old 01-04-2017, 02:30 PM
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Re: Marriage Troubles - Seeking Advice

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He married a woman who was fit and active and it's SHE who has changed.
After years of being married to a type A.

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I would suggest that they both go to counseling together where they can both express how they feel about the situation with a referee guiding the conversation.
Agreed.
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post #23 of 67 (permalink) Old 01-04-2017, 02:44 PM Thread Starter
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Is there a "safe" way to ask the question without hurting her feelings? See, as an extreme type-A personality, communication skills are definitely not on my top 10 list of great abilities.
That's what I figured. Guess what women tend to do when living with type-A men?

Withdraw. Protect themselves. Stop sharing. Stop being honest. Get depressed. Lose self-worth. Binge eat.

This isn't her issue.
For the record, she is a type-A as well. We did a personality test before we got married just to confirm what was already expected.
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post #24 of 67 (permalink) Old 01-04-2017, 02:46 PM
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Re: Marriage Troubles - Seeking Advice

Type A women are rarely as gung-ho or aggressive or unable to emotionally connect as type A men.

The point is, you're not happy with her. But she has gone to a place where she's no longer concerned with making you happy. It behooves you to figure out her mental processes that led her to that place. Which almost surely - barring FOO issues - derived from her interactions with you. I don't even know you but I already feel like you're a pushy person and, well, a little over-the-top about your fixation on healthy lifestyle and body. Imagine if a person had to live with that fixation.
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post #25 of 67 (permalink) Old 01-04-2017, 03:02 PM
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Re: Marriage Troubles - Seeking Advice

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So you make it clear to your wife that her being overweight disgusts you and then you wonder why she does not want to have sex with a man who finds her disgusting.
Buddy she isn't under your command,stand down soldier.
No where in his post did he say that. If you want to offer help, it helps to read and be informed.

As for my opinion, unless and until she hits bottom, she won't change. If you want to save your marriage, see a lawyer, separate your finances and prepare divorce papers. Have her served. Let her know that if she changes and becomes a real wife, then she can save the marriage. Otherwise, hasta la vista baby. Then she'll have hit bottom.

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post #26 of 67 (permalink) Old 01-04-2017, 03:02 PM
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Re: Marriage Troubles - Seeking Advice

Terribly sorry for your troubles.

Do you ever think back to anything that might of happened 3 years ago when things began to change?
A death of a loved one? Or something similar that might have cause some emotional pain to your wife?

The first problem won't be solved until the second one is.
You could try some counseling yourself to work on your communication skills/empathy and ask your wife then to go through with MC.

Your wife is likely depressed, maybe she knows why but feels discussing the issues with you would be harmful, like maybe she thinks that you would be dismissive of her feelings?

Do you feel like you have all the solutions to her problems?
Saying certain things to a depressed person like, "eat right and do exercise and you'll be fine" sometimes isn't the right way.
So it could be why she shuts down conversations with you about her weight.

It may take a little while longer than you except for things to get better, but sometimes you have to look at yourself and your own issues that could be affecting the marriage and then she can look at hers, then you can work on them together as a team.







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post #27 of 67 (permalink) Old 01-04-2017, 03:10 PM
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Re: Marriage Troubles - Seeking Advice

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No where in his post did he say that. If you want to offer help, it helps to read and be informed.

As for my opinion, unless and until she hits bottom, she won't change. If you want to save your marriage, see a lawyer, separate your finances and prepare divorce papers. Have her served. Let her know that if she changes and becomes a real wife, then she can save the marriage. Otherwise, hasta la vista baby. Then she'll have hit bottom.
In his post the op said I have always made it very clear that I detest obese people.Maybe you try reading the post and helping instead of proposing the nuclear option.
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post #28 of 67 (permalink) Old 01-04-2017, 03:22 PM
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Re: Marriage Troubles - Seeking Advice

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In his post the op said I have always made it very clear that I detest obese people.Maybe you try reading the post and helping instead of proposing the nuclear option.
@Andy1001

Actually that's not at all what he said. You might want to read it again more carefully.

" Before we were married, I made it very clear of my thoughts of personal fitness and while I’ll openly admit it’s probably a shallow point of view, I frankly detest obese people. "

See it's a two part sentence. He stated that he has in fact made it clear what he thought about personal fitness, and then in the second part of the sentence he states that he detests obese people. It's one of those past/present things that may just throw a casual reader for a loop.

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post #29 of 67 (permalink) Old 01-04-2017, 03:39 PM
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Re: Marriage Troubles - Seeking Advice

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While I appreciate the suggestions so far, I think there may be more to the solution than simple acceptance. I say this because a good friend of mine mentioned to me not long ago that she and her husband are going through a similar, almost identical situation. In her situation, she has gone well out of the way to try and make him understand how much she still loves and appreciates him but has received little in return. She is a fitness expert and has been trying to help her husband with his lifestyle changes and assist where possible in helping him lose weight and eat right. In response, he apparently closes in even tighter. Prior to the weight gain, he too slowly began to show less and less interest in her.

In the end, our stories are similar in that we both want things to be like they were in the past. Yet, somewhere, something changed.

For me, there have been several times where we have discussed these issues and when she responded, I have very excited to encourage and helped wherever possible. However, as mentioned, this only lasts for a short while and then things return to where they are now. At this point, it's hard to be encouraging when I have a difficult time believing that it will be any different than the multiple occasions in the recent past.
I spent my first fifteen years married destroying the trust my wife had in me because I set expectations exactly as you are now, die-hard dress right dress, ready, front. My wife fell out of love with me at year 7, planned to stay with me until the kids left the house... I almost lost them all because of my type-A military (over)bearing.

I've spent the last ten doing everything in my ability to rebuild that... still married and it has been an awakening in all the damage I've caused, a hard lesson in humility in accepting all the troubles, but it took acceptance to open the doors I needed because nothing is permanent, not even the troubles we create.

The Buddha said "In our lives, change is unavoidable, loss is unavoidable. In the adaptability and ease with which we experience change lies our happiness and freedom".

Your military mind has trained you differently sir, your wife is a different audience than your soldiers, they cannot be treated the same without loss.

Things are always in change... whether we are the cause or the effect, it's how we promote the positive that builds people up or the negative breaks them down.

You won't "command" this love and closeness back... but good leaders are also good followers, can you step back and show her that you truly understand what your part in this has done?

Our lives are forever changing, our growing with them is up to us.
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post #30 of 67 (permalink) Old 01-04-2017, 04:58 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Marriage Troubles - Seeking Advice

After all the comments so far, I think I probably should have better worded my OP. While I'm very much a black/white, right/wrong type of person, I know well enough that such a personality doesn't necessarily blend well outside the walls of my unit. I learned a number of years ago to leave the unit at the unit but I'll admit that I sometimes fail in this area. Where I said that I "detest obese people" I should have said that I detest the lifestyle, the excuses people make for not being willing to take response for their actions or the lack thereof. That may be harsh, but I have never approached the topic in such a way with my family. Regardless, my wife is well aware of my thoughts on the topic.

What troubles me in our situation is that her lifestyle isn't caused because of an illness it is her choice not to do something about it. This choice has lead to several medical conditions which now threaten to get worse if something doesn't change. Her Dr. has specifically mentioned that in order to overcome one of her current conditions, she must lose the weight and change to a healthier diet. For some reason, she's chosen not to follow this guidance.

Some of you have suggested that I be more sympathetic and I'll admit, that for the first year or so, I honestly was. I really just tried to be the encouraging support for whatever was needed. Now, after almost three years, being sympathetic is much more difficult when I see that instead of doing anything to change, she's continued down the same road that brought her to where we are now. Am I to take some of the blame? Sure, I'm not going to say that I'm all roses and bunnies to live with but I will mention that I've never tried to hide who I am. In fact, I went to great lengths before we were married to make sure we agreed on the same top core values.

For some reason, we're just not on the same road anymore and I wish I knew why or what may have caused it. Up until about three years ago, we were almost always eye-to-eye on things.
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