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post #46 of 143 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 03:26 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife realizes now that she does not like living with my dog

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Originally Posted by frusdil View Post
I would never give up my dogs. No way. It's not about the dogs being more important than my husband either, it's about the fact that if he asked me to give them up knowing how much I love them and how it would break my heart, then he doesn't really love me enough. It would kill any love I had for him in the long run.

You can't force him to live outside either, that's cruel and there's no point in having him.

If you really can't choose do you have family nearby who he could live with? Then you'd still get to see him. Tell your wife that - tell her that fine, you'll give him to your parents but you'll be over there every night and all weekend hanging out with him...see how she likes that hehehehe.
frusdil: My wife knows how hard it is to give up my dog, so she hasn't given me an ultimatum to give him up yet. So far she has been trying to tolerate him and get used to the living situation, but it is just causing problems for us because it causes fights. I think I could keep both my marriage and the dog, but will just have to put up with the conflicts, so I am trying to figure out what is the best way forward. I don't have family or friends nearby to give him to, unfortunately =(

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Originally Posted by Cooper View Post
People have such different perspectives when it comes to animals. OP you are use to having the dog in your life, and probably barely notice the dozens of things you do everyday to cater to your dog. The licking, the hair, the constant moving presence of the dog, that's what you are accustomed to. But for someone who has not had an animal it can be over whelming, the constant movement, your wife can't have any peace and quiet in her home. The hair, yuk, the licking, double yuk, and who wants to sit at the dinner table with some dog panting at the table blowing their dog breath at you and having to look at that big ole tongue hanging out? Yuk, yuk, yuk.

I would guess she really didn't understand what living with a dog would be like, I would bet it's a bit overwhelming for her. Compromise? Honestly I don't know what would work. get rid of the dog or get rid of the wife maybe, I just don't see a middle ground because of where you live.

There may be other things going on as well, you say she brings the dog up every fight, she may obsess about the dog using it as a tool to vent her frustration at you about something else, something she doesn't want to bring up or doesn't have the right words to express her frustration.
Cooper: I completely agree. I think us dog lovers have trouble seeing them from the other side of the lens. This is also a house we have just bought so things might be different if it was a rental or someone else owned it. I love this woman and my dog, so I would like to find some kind of middle ground if possible. I brought up marriage counseling today, but she doesn't think it will help the situation with the dog. It might actually be good if there is something else she is frustrated about, because it would probably be easier to fix than giving up a pet!

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Originally Posted by Hellomynameis View Post
It's not just this dog either. Unless something seriously changes, your wife will probably never want a pet. Are you ok with that for a lifetime?

My husband hated cats and didn't want a dog because they were too much hassle. One of the first things I did after he moved out was get two cats. I would never want to live a pet free life again.
Hellomynameis: I am actually okay with not having another pet. After my previous dog died, I told myself I would never get another one because it was so painful to lose her. I only got my current dog because I happened upon him at an adoption event and we somehow clicked =)

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Originally Posted by lifeistooshort View Post
Maybe you could consider getting a bigger place?

700 Sq feet is awfully small to be tripping over even a well behaved dog.

And it's not much space for a dog to play anyway.
lifeistooshort: That is actually one of the options I considered! I suggested to my wife that I could perhaps get a bigger house with a basement that leads outdoors, where I can keep him and hang out with him, and my wife just wouldn't go down there. I have a pretty decent sized backyard so we go out there a lot, but I really do think a bigger house might help my wife get more of her own space. The only problem is affording the bigger place =)

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Originally Posted by john117 View Post
Unless we're talking about the mutt guarding the gates of Hades, I would have grave concerns about someone unable to bond with an animal.

My wife was not a pet person. In her culture, pets are unclean. Yet we fostered DD1's monster cat, long fur and talons and all, for four months.

What are her specific concerns? Not "the dog", rather, shedding, mess, expenses, ...
john117: Her biggest concern peeve is his hair going all over the place. He is a nervous dog who shakes his body a lot, and she especially hates it when he does it near her. She wants me to train him to stop doing that, but that isn't really something that I can stop him from doing. I keep the dog and the house clean for the most part, but dog hair still somehow gets on her clothes and the sofa. I think it is stuff like that gradually builds up inside her until it blows up. She also doesn't like his licks, though I am training him to stop licking her.

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post #47 of 143 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 03:32 PM
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Re: Wife realizes now that she does not like living with my dog

You are probably already doing this, but frequent brushing would help cut down on the shedding.

Maybe compromise a little more on your part keep him out of the kitchen/dining room during meals so your wife can eat in peace.

My story: After a night on the town with him, wife exchanged inappropriate texts with her former boss.

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post #48 of 143 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 03:49 PM
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Re: Wife realizes now that she does not like living with my dog

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Originally Posted by PhillyGuy13 View Post
Here's the thing. You say she is a good wife.

A good partner would see -- with his or her own eyes -- what kind of an effect forcing their spouse to get rid of their beloved dog would do. I can't imagine a "good wife" being readily able to break their husband's heart. If I was in your wife's position I would suck it up because i know how much the dog means to you.
This....You cook husbands the same way you cook lobsters. Put them in the pot and turn up the heat gradually. In two years, you won't recognize your wife or your life if she can't or won't understand the dog thing. Moreover, its not really about the dog. It's about control.
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post #49 of 143 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 03:52 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife realizes now that she does not like living with my dog

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Originally Posted by MattMatt View Post
@qwerster And when she compels you to get rid of the dog... what's next?

Question for you. Has she really tried to get on with your dog?

Or did she play lip service to the idea whilst thinking: "I'll pretend to try to get on with the dog.

"However, eventually I can get rid of the dog. Then I'll get rid of his friends, then his family, then I can shape qwerster into what I want him to be"?


Everyone who gets together with the owner of any type of pet -dog, cat, bird, horse, whatever- knows that they will get to play second fiddle to the pet at least part of the time.

Why your wife doesn't know this is questionable.

Is she really marriageable material?
MattMatt: I think she has tried. Probably not as hard as I would have liked, but she did try. To be honest, I am probably more controlling than her. She is very submissive and likes me to take the lead on most matters, which makes me even more stumped that she is so stubborn about this one issue. I think if we lived in a warm area, the dog lived outside, and I spent all my time out there, she wouldn't mind. We haven't had any problems about how much time I spend with him. In fact, she likes that I spend so much time outside because of the dog (I work too much and don't go out enough).

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Originally Posted by Keke24 View Post
I agree with the majority here. She knew about the dog from the jump, it's unfair to ask that you get rid of it now.

I've never lived with dogs and would have never imagined living with them in my future. My partner made it clear from the beginning that he was a dog lover and that he would be keeping his dogs. I wasn't happy about it but he was firm. He started out with just 1 and today we have 4 dogs. He does all the work required to care for them and never asks for my input. All he asks is that they're not mistreated. He wants more but we agreed that 4 is more than a good compromise. I couldn't imagine asking him to get rid of any of them.

It's obvious to me now that pet lovers have a very strong bond with their animals, its like asking to get rid of a child. Crazy!

She's the one who has the issue with the dog, she should be responsible for coming up with a fair compromise.

Edited to add: I have a hard time buying the idea that she only now realized she didn't like living with the dog. She visited prior and I'm sure she stayed over for multiple nights on end. She realized she didn't like the dog from the time she had you put it out of the bedroom.
Keke24: You are right, she should have known when she spent the nights over while we dated. Maybe it didn't matter that much at that time, because it was pretty much a messy bachelor pad apartment I rented and nothing there was hers. We also hardly cooked since we went out all the time. Now we cook and eat in all the time...and anyone who has had dogs knows that every now and then, you find dog hair in your cup/plate....

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Originally Posted by uhtred View Post
I don't particularly like animals, but I could never tolerate harm coming to one. I didn't want cats, but my wife really did, and when one of them got lost on the room, I spent hours climbing around our slippery roof (over a probably lethal drop to the canyon below) trying to find the #&#$ cat. (the cat came, back, it was fine).

I don't think anyone should ever be pressured to give up an animal. When you take in an animal you are accepting responsibility for its care for the rest of its natural life. I don't think that is a responsibility you can ever give up.

If your wife had a medical issue that prevented you from having a dog, then I think you are bound to find the dog a GOOD home - however much effort and $$ that might take.

At the end of the dog's natural life, don't get another. No one should ever be forced to give up a pet, but its not fair to force someone to live with a pet.
uhtred: You are right - if she has allergies or something substantial, I might be more willing to give him up, but she doesn't have any health issues from the dog.

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Originally Posted by Satya View Post
All I can think is, it's a sh17 test.

She knew what she was getting. You can't accept and then later complain about things.

I think it's a test to see if you'll pick the dog over her. If your dog was wild and misbehaving I might side with her, even then I'd think training was the first best step. But the dog sounds well behaved.

I'd make it clear to her that you and the dog are a package deal, end of.

Just curious, did she give up something important to be with you?
Satya: Yeah, sometimes I wonder if it is a test too. She hasn't given me an ultimatum, but it scares me what will happen next since I know I will pick the dog. I don't think she gave up anything to be with me, though this is both our first marriages, so it has been a huge adjustment in terms of sharing responsibilities, putting up with each other's quirks, etc.
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post #50 of 143 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 04:05 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife realizes now that she does not like living with my dog

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Originally Posted by Síocháin View Post
@Livvie, I don't know for sure it is, it just feels that way and I'm not the only one who thinks it. But back at you, how in the world do you know it's not? She brings his dog up every time they fight. That is manipulation.
Siochain: I think there is probably an element of manipulation when she brings the dog up for a completely different issue. She knows the dog is my soft spot and I will react to it. I get overly defensive, but it is also a super immature move.

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Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
qwerster,

Please answer the question I asked. It's important.

How does she behave about your friends and family? Does she have a problem with any of them?

.
EleGirl: She is great with my friends and family. They all like her and she likes them. The only thing is she isn't a very social person. I am not either, but I'm definitely more so than her. She is very private and seldom ever talks to her friends/family about problems, so she never gets an outside perspective. I am considering having my parents talk to her about the dog. She won't listen to me, but maybe she will listen to them. OR, she could get mad at me for involving them in our problem =(
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post #51 of 143 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 04:28 PM
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Re: Wife realizes now that she does not like living with my dog

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Originally Posted by qwerster View Post
EleGirl: She is great with my friends and family. They all like her and she likes them. The only thing is she isn't a very social person. I am not either, but I'm definitely more so than her. She is very private and seldom ever talks to her friends/family about problems, so she never gets an outside perspective. I am considering having my parents talk to her about the dog. She won't listen to me, but maybe she will listen to them. OR, she could get mad at me for involving them in our problem =(
If she is very private as you say, having your parents talk to her about it. Will be regarded by her as a significant breech of her trust. I can assure you doing that will see her become more guarded with you.

If you want to be her safe space, respect her privacy.

Having personally seen and experienced both sides of those that are into pets and those who aren't. I can assure you those who come to find out they aren't into them can't help but not want to live with them.

All of this hyperbole about dogs and horse or whatever, over claims that your wife isn't marriage material is egregious nonsense.

As much as you love your dog, your wife dislikes your dog. Neither of you are right or wrong, nor good or bad guy in this. Not everyone no matter how long their exposure, ends up bonding with other animals.

For some people like your wife, living with animal hair and the horrid smells and slobber. Really is a special kind of hell that grows worse with each passing day.
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post #52 of 143 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 05:58 PM
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Re: Wife realizes now that she does not like living with my dog

Oh, I get not wanting a dog around, especially one you did not really choose. and yes, I have a dog. It's a puppy that is well trained at crapping everywhere.

having a dog in your wife's situation is kind of like me and my horrible stepdaughter. She is 16 and in the short three years I've known her she has:

Run away with a strange guy, wrecked the rug in her room, smokes weed, attacked her mom over getting a phone taken away from her, stolen countless phone cords from me, is a total pig/slob. Oh, and failed two years of high school. Lies constantly. Jut this week she snuck out at midnight and was brought home by the cops.

I'm counting the days until she turns 18 and cannot be in the house anymore. She is never going to turn it around. I didn't understand that when she arrived in my house.

That puppy that craps everywhere? By then, it'll be trained and a great dog for years to come.
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post #53 of 143 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 06:10 PM
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Re: Wife realizes now that she does not like living with my dog

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Originally Posted by qwerster View Post
Siochain: I think there is probably an element of manipulation when she brings the dog up for a completely different issue. She knows the dog is my soft spot and I will react to it. I get overly defensive, but it is also a super immature move.
The above is very significant.

You say that you are the more controlling one. It does sound like the dog is something that she has honed in on as a way to 'get to you'. It's one way that she can equalize the power in your relationship.

Do you own a dog crate? If not get one. Crate train your dog. When you eat dinner, put your dog in his crate with his food.

See if that changes how she relates to you.

Further: Your idea of bringing your parent into this is a very bad idea. It will ruin any good in the relationship with your parents.

Instead, how about getting into counseling with her to learn how to live together with some peace.

There are also two good books that could help you. Read them with her in this order: "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". And do the work that they say to do.
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post #54 of 143 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 06:17 PM
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Re: Wife realizes now that she does not like living with my dog

Do you brush him every single day? That is a must.
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post #55 of 143 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 07:32 PM
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Re: Wife realizes now that she does not like living with my dog

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In the grand scheme of things, your wife/family are more important than a dog. But it sounds to me like she pulled a bait and switch on you when it comes to your dog. Marrying someone and then pulling a bait and switch is a profound form of manipulation and dishonesty.

My take on it is that the dog is her excuse to push you around emotionally. If you get rid of the dog, she will just find another reason to mistreat you and keep you walking on egg shells.

How does she behave about your friends and family? Does she have a problem with any of them?
I completely disagree. That's the problem with people- they think one life is more important than another.

Do not dare even consider giving up your dog. You have a well behaved good dog whom is at least 6 years old who would give it's life for you. There is no justification that your wife can ever come up with that will rationalize making you give up your dog. They say compassion for animals is intimately associated with goodness of character and it can be confidently asserted that he who is cruel to animals, cannot be a good man. I know your wife has not been "actively" cruel- but forcing you to give up your 6 year old best friend who loves you more than life its self is cruel in it's own right. Do not do it.

Having a baby is no excuse to get rid of the dog unless the dog shows aggression towards the baby- which based on your description of this dog- will NOT happen. Personally, I don't trust people who don't like dogs. As a dog lover, I think deep down you probably know how screwed up it is that your wife has so much disdain towards your innocent loving dog. Do not give him up, buddy. Just don't do it. You will regret it.

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post #56 of 143 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 07:35 PM
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Re: Wife realizes now that she does not like living with my dog

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I would never give up my dogs. No way. It's not about the dogs being more important than my husband either, it's about the fact that if he asked me to give them up knowing how much I love them and how it would break my heart, then he doesn't really love me enough. It would kill any love I had for him in the long run.

You can't force him to live outside either, that's cruel and there's no point in having him.

If you really can't choose do you have family nearby who he could live with? Then you'd still get to see him. Tell your wife that - tell her that fine, you'll give him to your parents but you'll be over there every night and all weekend hanging out with him...see how she likes that hehehehe.
YES!!! Completely agree. This post is the truth!
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post #57 of 143 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 07:49 PM
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Re: Wife realizes now that she does not like living with my dog

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MattMatt: I think she has tried. Probably not as hard as I would have liked, but she did try. To be honest, I am probably more controlling than her. She is very submissive and likes me to take the lead on most matters, which makes me even more stumped that she is so stubborn about this one issue. I think if we lived in a warm area, the dog lived outside, and I spent all my time out there, she wouldn't mind. We haven't had any problems about how much time I spend with him. In fact, she likes that I spend so much time outside because of the dog (I work too much and don't go out enough).



Keke24: You are right, she should have known when she spent the nights over while we dated. Maybe it didn't matter that much at that time, because it was pretty much a messy bachelor pad apartment I rented and nothing there was hers. We also hardly cooked since we went out all the time. Now we cook and eat in all the time...and anyone who has had dogs knows that every now and then, you find dog hair in your cup/plate....



uhtred: You are right - if she has allergies or something substantial, I might be more willing to give him up, but she doesn't have any health issues from the dog.



Satya: Yeah, sometimes I wonder if it is a test too. She hasn't given me an ultimatum, but it scares me what will happen next since I know I will pick the dog. I don't think she gave up anything to be with me, though this is both our first marriages, so it has been a huge adjustment in terms of sharing responsibilities, putting up with each other's quirks, etc.
She is so submissive, huh? Nope! She may be passive-aggressive, or she allows you to think she is submissive by giving in on unimportant stuff.

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post #58 of 143 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 09:36 PM
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Re: Wife realizes now that she does not like living with my dog

Why I feel if it weren't the dog, it'd be something else, is because you said OP, that she brings the dog up in unrelated arguments. That's called manipulation, and if your wife forces you to get rid of the dog, I'd think long and hard about having kids with her, because once you do that, she'll be controlling everything. Just from the little you say, I can tell. Hope things work out and you can keep your dog and a happy marriage.
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post #59 of 143 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 09:54 PM
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Re: Wife realizes now that she does not like living with my dog

@qwerster how do you know you are the controlling, manipulative one in your marriage?

Oh! Your wife told you this, huh?

Hear that urgent, yet discrete tapping noise?

That's the sound of Sherlock tapping on the wall in the bathroom. Apparently there's no toilet paper in there, again. Your wife hid it. But she's blaming the dog.

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post #60 of 143 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 10:06 PM
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Re: Wife realizes now that she does not like living with my dog

Honestly, I think she is jealous of the dog. I say that because of the fact that every time there is a fight, she brings up the DOG. Really? She doesnt like the fact that he cares so much about someone/something that isnt her, and she is threatened by that for some odd, fvcked up reason. OP says she is not a social person, so likely she resents the dog because the dog gets love and attention from the one person she does choose to interact with and give her attention to.

So OP, if you get rid of your dog, whats next? I think you could reasonably expect to give up things in the future that become important to you. Absolutely DO NOT send the poor dog outside to live. Dogs are family, you dont kick family out to live in your yard alone. Its just wrong.

I could understand her not liking or wanting the dog if he had behavior issues. But he doesnt. She just doesnt like that he does dog stuff, like shed hair and beg for food. Getting rid of him would be like kicking your grandmother out of the house for being old.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

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