Wife realizes now that she does not like living with my dog - Page 7 - Talk About Marriage
General Relationship Discussion Although anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.

User Tag List

 497Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #91 of 143 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 01:04 AM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 15
Re: Wife realizes now that she does not like living with my dog

Quote:
Originally Posted by Síocháin View Post
You may want to check your adoption paperwork. Most rescues ask that you return the dog to them if something happens & you can no longer keep him. How big is he & what breed?
He is bout 25 pounds and is a terrier/schnauzer mix. I'm not even sure if I have the paperwork anymore or if there even was that stipulation, but the first place I will check with is the group I got him from for sure.

qwerster is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #92 of 143 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 01:08 AM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 15
Re: Wife realizes now that she does not like living with my dog

Quote:
Originally Posted by MEM2020 View Post
For now - the message ought to be:

I'm doing this for you, because it's important to me that you feel relaxed and happy in our home.
------------
It is possible you will get this in return: If you really loved me, you would choose me over the dog.

One response to that is: I get that. And I also realize that the dog and I developed some bad habits - including bad dinner table habits - when it was just the two of us. I understand why his presence in the kitchen and bedroom was stressful for you. Thank you for being patient with me while we worked out a compromise.
------------
As for her using the dog in unrelated conversations, the best move is to see that for what it is. A weak persons power play. Expect it, and don't react to it. Stay on topic and stay calm. I'd make a large bet that if she runs that play 3 times in a row without any reaction from you at all, she will stop doing it without you having to call 'foul'.

That play, (dragging the dog into unrelated disagreements) only has as much power as you give it. The more agitated you get, in any discussion where the dog comes up, the more the subtext reads that: you love the dog almost as much or as much as your wife. The more relaxed you stay - the less worried your wife will feel about her standing in the house.

The core theme here is easy to describe, harder to execute: You are without doubt my highest priority, AND also not my only priority.

The more she feels, believes and accepts that theme, the better off you will both be.
Wow this is good stuff! You hit the nail on its head. I do take the bait every single time and react strongly to her bringing up the dog. Going to be hard to but I will need to hold my tongue. Also, what you said, "You are without doubt my highest priority, AND also not my only priority", is amazing and I will definitely try to get her to understand that. This is exactly the kind of advice I was hoping to get from you guys. Thank you so much!
qwerster is offline  
post #93 of 143 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 01:15 AM
Moderator
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: United States
Posts: 10,434
Re: Wife realizes now that she does not like living with my dog

Quote:
Originally Posted by qwerster View Post
Wow this is good stuff! You hit the nail on its head. I do take the bait every single time and react strongly to her bringing up the dog. Going to be hard to but I will need to hold my tongue. Also, what you said, "You are without doubt my highest priority, AND also not my only priority", is amazing and I will definitely try to get her to understand that. This is exactly the kind of advice I was hoping to get from you guys. Thank you so much!


Qwerster,
It is totally normal to feel angry, when she does that.

My wife (M2 for short) used to do stuff like that all the time, because I reacted to it. Once I realized it was just - her issue - it stopped being mine.

For now, expect her to bring the dog into every argument. Consciously remind yourself, that is what she is going to do because she doesn't feel strong enough to fight fair.

Pre programmed responses helped me. Mine would be: I'm sorry for mishandling the situation with the dog. I know that was frustrating for you. Then shut up - let her talk - but don't add fuel the fire. Don't let her bait you. When she finishes, just say: I'm glad you told me that stuff. And then: Do you want to finish the conversation about - xyz - now, or would you prefer to revisit it later?




Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
MEM2020 is online now  
 
post #94 of 143 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 05:02 AM
Moderator
 
MattMatt's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: England
Posts: 18,938
Re: Wife realizes now that she does not like living with my dog

Quote:
Originally Posted by Livvie View Post
Wow. Projecting, much? Just because OP's wife has learned that she dislikes living with a dog does not in any way mean she has the character of the woman you describe. Geez!
@Livvie

Gosh! Someone relating a similar incident that already took place in their life to a currently occurring incident in someone else's life?

Now why on earth would someone do that?

Oh, yeah! To provide a warning of the potential consequences of kowtowing to someone who is possibly pulling a bait and switch routine.

http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk
http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk...-cheaters.html (Be afraid UK cheaters! CheaterVille has come to the UK!
MattMatt is online now  
post #95 of 143 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 05:11 AM
Moderator
 
MattMatt's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: England
Posts: 18,938
Re: Wife realizes now that she does not like living with my dog

@qwerster, you were part of a family unit, you and your dog.

Your girlfriend chose to join your family unit, which was made up of you and your dog.

You graciously invited her to join your family unit and she, apparently, equally graciously, accepted your invitation to join your family unit.

Your family unit then became you, your dog and your wife.

Now, your wife has decided that she no longer likes being a part of the family unit of you, your dog and herself, your wife.

And ummm....


http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk
http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk...-cheaters.html (Be afraid UK cheaters! CheaterVille has come to the UK!
MattMatt is online now  
post #96 of 143 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 05:48 AM
jld
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 19,590
Re: Wife realizes now that she does not like living with my dog

Qwerster, you cannot have it all in life. Simplified . . . It really is ultimately her or the dog.

Your desire/love for pets is unlikely to ever go away. Why disrespecting her and yourself by not accepting that?

Will you both be sad initially if you let each other go? Sure. But it opens the door to each of you findng someone you are more naturally compatible with. And that natural compatibility makes life so much easier, especially when children and big life stressors (illness, financial difficulties, etc.) come along.

If you do not make the decision, she likely will. And it will probably come after many mutually unpleasant moments.

Do you really want things to end that way? Wouldn't facing and accepting this incompatibility realistically, respectfully, and maturely, right now, ultimately be a more truly loving (and time- and energy-saving) way to handle this?

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
jld is offline  
post #97 of 143 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 06:00 AM
jld
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 19,590
Re: Wife realizes now that she does not like living with my dog

Quote:
Originally Posted by qwerster View Post
turnera: The marriage is actually very good...which is what frustrates my wife and I. She admits that she is unreasonable with this dog issue and made a mistake by not realizing sooner, but she is very caring and considerate in most other matters. If the marriage wasn't so good, I would have picked the dog and dumped the wife months ago. I have spoken to some of my long-time friends about this issue and they feel the same way as most of you do about the dog. They think what she is doing is unfair and I should not let the dog go. However, they also warn me that I will have a tough time finding someone else who complements me as well as my wife if I give up this marriage. I could very well get a divorce, have my dog for another 8-10 years, and meet someone better. Or I might end up with someone who likes my dog but doesn't treat me as well. Or, I could give up my dog, be sad/upset about it for the next 10 years, but have a loving wife for the rest of my life. I guess I'm trying to be careful to not just assume that the grass is greener on the other side. No matter what I choose to do, there is a huge chance that things could end up worse for me.
Would you be willing to show her this post, in particular the last line of the bolded?

It should be all she needs to walk away from you.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
jld is offline  
post #98 of 143 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 06:15 AM
Moderator
 
MattMatt's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: England
Posts: 18,938
Re: Wife realizes now that she does not like living with my dog

Quote:
Originally Posted by jld View Post
Would you be willing to show her this post, in particular the last line of the bolded?

It should be all she needs to walk away from you.
Or continue living with someone who he would resent for the next 20 to 30 years?

Because with every argument, every dispute bubbling in the background would be: "You made me break my dog's little heart and you broke my heart."

http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk
http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk...-cheaters.html (Be afraid UK cheaters! CheaterVille has come to the UK!
MattMatt is online now  
post #99 of 143 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 06:16 AM
Member
 
PhillyGuy13's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Not Philly
Posts: 2,791
Re: Wife realizes now that she does not like living with my dog

What a frustrating situation. By all accounts you have a good wife (except for the issue wit the dog) and a great dog.

Sorry if you mentioned it - how old is the dog?

Do you have any family in the area who may be willing to take the dog if it comes to it? Parents? I have a couple of friends whose parents took their dogs in, as they had to travel for work. The parents liked it - it provided an excuse for their kids to visit them more (to see the dogs)

I hope you are able to work out a compromise with your wife. What are your long term plans, as far as a larger home, kids, etc. I caution even if you work out a compromise now, having a baby may dig up this issue again (I don't want the dog near the baby!!!)

ETA- im not a proponent of bringing parents/in laws into marital issues, so I wouldn't get into the specifics with them. Blame allergies, work schedules, etc as to why you are making the request if you go that route.

My story: After a night on the town with him, wife exchanged inappropriate texts with her former boss.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...-she-road.html

Last edited by PhillyGuy13; 01-09-2017 at 06:20 AM.
PhillyGuy13 is offline  
post #100 of 143 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 08:29 AM
Member
 
Síocháin's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: USA
Posts: 231
Re: Wife realizes now that she does not like living with my dog

Quote:
Originally Posted by qwerster View Post
He is bout 25 pounds and is a terrier/schnauzer mix. I'm not even sure if I have the paperwork anymore or if there even was that stipulation, but the first place I will check with is the group I got him from for sure.
If it comes to that, please pm me. I know a rescue in your area that may can help. They are a 5013c rescue. I work with rescues in my area and have 2 fosters right now. I'll be glad to help.

Síocháin is offline  
post #101 of 143 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 04:24 AM
Member
 
frusdil's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 1,897
Re: Wife realizes now that she does not like living with my dog

To be blunt, to me the solution is simple. Your wife needs to get over herself and suck it up, until the dog passes away. Then, no more dogs. She can do that for you surely, a few more years vs the rest of your life?

It's a no brainer.
frusdil is offline  
post #102 of 143 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 06:18 AM
Moderator
 
farsidejunky's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 7,628
Re: Wife realizes now that she does not like living with my dog

Quote:
Originally Posted by frusdil View Post
To be blunt, to me the solution is simple. Your wife needs to get over herself and suck it up, until the dog passes away. Then, no more dogs. She can do that for you surely, a few more years vs the rest of your life?

It's a no brainer.
But that's not really a solution for someone who loves dogs.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
farsidejunky is online now  
post #103 of 143 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 06:30 AM
jld
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 19,590
Re: Wife realizes now that she does not like living with my dog

Quote:
Originally Posted by farsidejunky View Post
But that's not really a solution for someone who loves dogs.
It is not really a solution for someone who does not love dogs, either.

They are both cheating themselves by staying together.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
jld is offline  
post #104 of 143 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 08:10 AM
Member
 
turnera's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 35,254
Re: Wife realizes now that she does not like living with my dog

You've never really answered my questions about what your relationship is like otherwise. Issues? Complaints? Feeling unsettled about anything? Did you read No More Mr Nice Guy?
turnera is online now  
post #105 of 143 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 08:47 AM
Member
 
Yeswecan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 3,431
Re: Wife realizes now that she does not like living with my dog

Quote:
Originally Posted by qwerster View Post
My problem is a bit different from a lot of the other dog-related posts I have read here. I have a loving wife and a well-behaved dog, but she just doesn't like dogs. I have had the dog for 6 years now and had him when we started dating a couple years ago. We got married a year ago, but before that she seemed to like the dog. She never claimed to be a dog lover but never said she disliked them either, so I never anticipated any big issues. After getting married and living together in a house for a few months, she tells me that she now realizes she does not like living with a dog. She explains that she did not know this before as she would only stay over occasionally and have never previously lived with one.

He used to sleep in a crate in my room upstairs, but she didn't even want him upstairs at all. We compromised and I moved him to the guest room upstairs even though it broke my heart, and barred him from entering our room. I also make sure to keep the floor clean because she does not like his hair all over the place, and keep him off the furniture. He does not have any of the behavioral issues that most people in my situation complain about (no accidents/aggression/biting/chewing/barking/etc), and I take care of him 100%. He just likes to lick and occasionally beg when we eat, but I am in the process of training him to stop. She has also complained about him coming near the dining table when we eat, entering the kitchen, and just being near her in general, even though she has no allergies. The problem is, we live in a very small 700 sq ft townhouse so it is a bit hard to keep them separate, and I have explained to her that I can't keep him outside because it gets too cold here.

To her credit, my wife has been generally nice to the dog and has genuinely tried to make things work. However, anytime we fight or she is in a bad mood, she brings up "the dog", and how she doesn't like living with him. Our fights get bad because I get protective of the dog. She thinks that I should be happy that I get to keep him, and when I protest, she says that if I love the dog so much, she can move out. I feel like I'm always walking on eggshells with anything to do with the dog, and am terrified of him doing something she doesn't like. I thought things would get better over time, but her patience/tolerance seems to be decreasing to the point of fighting about him every week now. My wife loves me and I know she won't make me give up the dog right now, but that might change if/when we have a kid - she has already said she doesn't want the dog near the baby. I really want to make this work, but if things will get worse when we have a family, maybe I need to consider that being together might not be the best idea?

Sorry for the long post - I just wanted to be as detailed as possible.
My question is - has anyone else been in a similar situation too? Does anyone have any advice/tips on how to handle this?

Thanks for reading and giving your advice!
Are you considering having a child with your W? She may not like a baby either.

In my world our dog is a family member. That simple. It appears your dog is family as well. Your W apparently sees a germ ridden flea bag. Truth be told, grandma has more germs.

It appears you have been hoodwinked. Your W should not have baited and switched.

IMO your W will need to suck it up because removal of the dog will do nothing but create resentment that will last the entire marriage. Furthermore, your W did not make any gripes about the dog prior to marriage. That does not sit well.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
Yeswecan is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Tags
dog, recently married, wife

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
My wife and her lesbian affair Raptor Considering Divorce or Separation 26 12-26-2016 10:03 AM
My wife is convinced I am cheating on her. Dopplar The Ladies' Lounge 21 04-10-2016 02:39 AM
Not A Good Wife Wishes Coping with Infidelity 1001 03-27-2016 12:26 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome