Is it bad enough to divorce over? - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 12:24 AM Thread Starter
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Before she found out about the dating website account things were good. I was able to hang out with my friends, not have my phone constantly ringing answering questions or video chatting to confirm I am where I say I am. When we were together it was fun. There were no breaches of trust at this point. I was satisfied with the relationship.

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post #17 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 12:32 AM
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Re: Is it bad enough to divorce over?

That doesn't answer the question, can you get over this? Meaning, is there anything that can satisfy your angst? If not, and you fear you'll never stop looking over your shoulder, then either you need to go into IC or you gotta walk.

Does she know you are questions the very essence of your relationship?
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post #18 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 12:40 AM Thread Starter
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I asked her why she kept the pictures of him and at first she said that it was like a back up plan in case our relationship ended. Verbatim she said "so I could send the pictures back to him and say, hey remember when you sent me these". I inquired about it yet again a few days later and she used the explanation that it was 4 years ago so she doesn't remember why she kept them. I told her I thought it was because she was sexually arroused by them and wanted them for some kind of keep sake or trophy. She swears up and down that wasnt the reason and nothing physical happened with this guy because he lived in Alaska at the time.
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post #19 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 12:52 AM Thread Starter
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After finding the photos I asked her to disclose everything she's ever done behind my back. She confessed to dating more guys at the beginning of our relationship that she had originally stated (the guy in the photo being one of those she chose not to disclose from the beggining). This really didn't bother me that much because I had dated around when we first met too. Neither one of us were being exclusive. I had issues with the establishment she worked at so chose to break off the communication. But like always something made me go back to her (the sex was very satisfying) so we started talking again. Once she quit her job she moved in with me and from that point on we were exclusive. So will anything ever truly make me forget about what she did that far into our relationship, probably not but I couldn't bare to look my kids in the eye and tell them I broke up our family because I found some pictures in you mothers email 3 years before we married.
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post #20 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 02:01 AM
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Re: Is it bad enough to divorce over?

You have a lot of doubts and uncertainties, like her staying at another man's house. Get her to take a polygraph. If she refuses, then you'll have your answer.
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post #21 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 06:18 AM
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Re: Is it bad enough to divorce over?

If your marriage is currently good why were you looking for trouble? How about if she said you were gone working and she was bored so one night her and a girlfriend played around on the internet flirting with an old boyfriend? Sounds like your story doesn't it? Sounds like two people with trust and integrity issues to me, not good any way you look at it.

""Before she found out about the dating website account things were good."" That comment cracked me up. It was good for you because YOU had gotten away with something and thought she was the dutiful little wife. Surprise!

If both of you can truly say nothing inappropriate has been going on for the last few years can you move forward? Can you not bring up the past? Can you write your past off as immaturity?

You have two kids in the scenario now, for their sake I say try counselling and try to work past this, both of you need to be fully transparent to prove you are trustworthy going forward.
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post #22 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 07:07 AM
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Re: Is it bad enough to divorce over?

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Originally Posted by Cooper View Post
If your marriage is currently good why were you looking for trouble? How about if she said you were gone working and she was bored so one night her and a girlfriend played around on the internet flirting with an old boyfriend? Sounds like your story doesn't it? Sounds like two people with trust and integrity issues to me, not good any way you look at it.

""Before she found out about the dating website account things were good."" That comment cracked me up. It was good for you because YOU had gotten away with something and thought she was the dutiful little wife. Surprise!

If both of you can truly say nothing inappropriate has been going on for the last few years can you move forward? Can you not bring up the past? Can you write your past off as immaturity?

You have two kids in the scenario now, for their sake I say try counselling and try to work past this, both of you need to be fully transparent to prove you are trustworthy going forward.
It's always a shame when one is hyper judgmental of the other when they themselves KNOW they have crossed a line also....

I will never understand this from people.. this SHOULD make them more humble and understanding.. but instead they choose to only see the faults of the other.. you both stepped out of line at one time in the relationship...both of you need to come clean, examine your own actions against the one you vowed to love & devote yourselves to...

Understand WHY, what was missing, what caused you both to do what you did, WHY it was so emotionally hurtful and devastating to the other ..together decide what is important in going forward ...

Integrity, trust, a "willing transparency" in a marriage...anything less.. you will find yourselves here again.. no matter who you are with in the future.

Last edited by SimplyAmorous; 01-09-2017 at 07:12 AM.
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post #23 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 07:26 AM
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Re: Is it bad enough to divorce over?

It's good that you acknowledge that you gave her cause for doubt with the dating sites but who knows if she did anything before that without you knowing. The bottom line is once trust is dented or broken, it's a very hard thing to restore - but as you have small children you both have to commit and to try everything possible to restore trust and I wish you good luck with that - you'll need it!
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post #24 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 08:07 AM
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Re: Is it bad enough to divorce over?

I would recommend couple's counselling.

You pair have children and you both need to consider them, too. Even if only at the level of co-parenting should you split up and divorce.

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post #25 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 09:03 AM
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Re: Is it bad enough to divorce over?

"I couldn't bare to look my kids in the eye and tell them I broke up our family because I found some pictures in you mothers email 3 years before we married."

They may have been three years before you married; but, this is a brand new revelation for you. Would you have married her if you had found the pictures before marriage?

It would be beneficial if you asked her how in good conscience she could put on the 'holier than thou' act. How she could play warden when she should have been in jail right along side of you. Self-entitlement is an ugly thing to deal with.

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post #26 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 09:51 AM
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Re: Is it bad enough to divorce over?

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Originally Posted by JJKKDM View Post
Before she found out about the dating website account things were good. I was able to hang out with my friends, not have my phone constantly ringing answering questions or video chatting to confirm I am where I say I am. When we were together it was fun. There were no breaches of trust at this point. I was satisfied with the relationship.
Trust.
It's what you both need back in your marriage to make it happy again.

I understand that you just recently discovered these things and you might feel resentment towards her for all the boundaries that she put in place.

Both of you made mistakes in the past.
Fighting about who made the biggest or worst mistake will not be helpful.

Marriage Counseling would be the way forward, focusing on mutual trust and mutual FAIR boundaries.
Plus taking care about not holding resentment against each other for past mistakes.







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post #27 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 10:08 AM
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Re: Is it bad enough to divorce over?

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Originally Posted by JJKKDM View Post
Before she found out about the dating website account things were good. I was able to hang out with my friends, not have my phone constantly ringing answering questions or video chatting to confirm I am where I say I am. When we were together it was fun. There were no breaches of trust at this point. I was satisfied with the relationship.
"Before she busted me for being on a dating website, I was happy with the relationship. Now that I betrayed her trust and have repercussions, I am no longer happy"

My story: After a night on the town with him, wife exchanged inappropriate texts with her former boss.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...-she-road.html
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post #28 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 11:45 AM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JJKKDM View Post
Before she found out about the dating website account things were good. I was able to hang out with my friends, not have my phone constantly ringing answering questions or video chatting to confirm I am where I say I am. When we were together it was fun. There were no breaches of trust at this point. I was satisfied with the relationship.
I can see how you would deduce the below comments based on what I said. To give you some context, this dating website thing was created and shut down in three days. This is absolutely no excuse for me doing what I did. This was an extremely immature decision based solely on entertainment and had nothing to do with looking for another spouse. Once again she would have no way of knowing this and would have to take my word for it, and trust was already broken.

I apologized so many times for this discretion and we both came to terms with moving forward. There was no indication that she wanted out of the relationship at this point and lead me to believe that we were working on things. Then when I left for offshore for 3 weeks she began this messaging, phone calls and picture exchange. This lasted for three weeks according to her. I just don't see how she could compare looking around on a dating website for 3 days to messaging an old fling, having phone conversations and exchanging nude pictures. I just don't understand why she did that, saved pictures and had the audacity to play warden for example years because she couldn't trust me.

"Before she busted me for being on a dating website, I was happy with the relationship. Now that I betrayed her trust and have repercussions, I am no longer happy"
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post #29 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 12:07 PM
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Re: Is it bad enough to divorce over?

Tough call. I would have a good talk with her and if this ever happens again, make it known that it's grounds for divorce.
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post #30 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 12:37 PM
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Re: Is it bad enough to divorce over?

It seems to me that you started the betrayal issue and really have no grounds for divorcing her. If you are serious about resolving this, you first have to commit to yourself and her that things like this are strictly off limits. She should be willing to to make the same commitment to you. If you both can't to this you shouldn't continue the marriage.

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