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post #31 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 11:54 AM
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Re: Is it bad enough to divorce over?

I believe you when you say it was up three days, you were screwing around with a buddy. Because why lie on some anonymous Internet forum?

But if you were my spouse, I would totally call BS that it was a joke. I would not believe you and would assume you were looking for someone else to (date/bang). It's the most logical reason to jump to.

Now this by no means excuses her from reaching out to other ex-partners. Certainly not holding onto pics just in case you break up and she has someone to go back to.

Did all this hit the fan within the past few months? Bringing kids into this mess was a grave mistake. As I said here or on your other thread, you both need intensive counseling to try to make a go of it, either together or apart, for the sake of those kids.


My story: After a night on the town with him, wife exchanged inappropriate texts with her former boss.

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post #32 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 12:02 PM
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Re: Is it bad enough to divorce over?



I understand why she did it...she felt you were looking for a hook up, you can paint it whatever way you like but that's probably what she thought in her mind.

You're not going to get a hookup offshore but the possibility of meeting someone when you got back or engaging in inappropriate virtual behaviour was there. Whether you were going to or not she will never know, you can say what she done is worse but the fact remains.....she more than likely wouldn't have done that if you didn't set up a dating site.

You can say it was for entertainment purposes which I find absolutely ridiculous and a poor excuse.

I have no sympathy for you because you're reaping what you sow......KARMA!

Really try talking to your wife and listening to her, then do your best to work through your issues and seek some relationship counselling.


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post #33 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 12:33 PM
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Re: Is it bad enough to divorce over?

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Originally Posted by JJKKDM View Post
Before she found out about the dating website account things were good. I was able to hang out with my friends, not have my phone constantly ringing answering questions or video chatting to confirm I am where I say I am. When we were together it was fun. There were no breaches of trust at this point. I was satisfied with the relationship.
No, her actions are not quite divorce ready. They do deserve scrutiny and should not be rug swept.

You have young children. You should work on mending this marriage, but not spend forever in repair mode. Let her know that you love her but feel the marriage is on shaky grounds. Tell her that "Yes, I screwed up once, and I have no intention of ever doing anything shady again. We need to start trusting each other again. There are things that you have done and said to others in the past that worries me, also".

Do not tell her everything you know. Let her guess on some of it. She will not like being put on the spot and left in the dark on those accusations. It hopefully will make her reflect. Your marriage is on a slippery slope. Stand your ground for now.
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post #34 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 01:11 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Is it bad enough to divorce over?

This happend four years ago after 2 1/2 years of dating/living together. I just found about this situation on 1/5/2017.
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post #35 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 01:48 PM
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Re: Is it bad enough to divorce over?

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This happend four years ago after 2 1/2 years of dating/living together. I just found about this situation on 1/5/2017.
Here is my thing, you have demonstrated through your actions that everything is on the up and up since your really bad move to signing up on a dating site. Your W should recognize that. Two wrongs to not make a right. But, being honest with each other will make it right. Time to talk about it and not carpet sweep as it appears to be doing.

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post #36 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 08:51 PM
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Re: Is it bad enough to divorce over?

So, did she send pics as well?

Did she sleep over at the guys house, or did she sleep with the guy?

Sorry but I have read about a similar story. The wife put the husband through hell when he confessed to cheating. Went on for many years. Turned out she was cheating on him before he ever cheated on her. She was also cheating on him the entire time she was putting him through hell. He tried to R, then a few yrs later he found out that she meet up with the OM twice more after they started to R.

Good luck. I wouldn't stay. Be the beat father you can for your kids. that doesn't mean you have to stay with a unapologetic woman that has treated you like crap for four years.
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post #37 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 08:30 AM
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Re: Is it bad enough to divorce over?

What she did was actually cheating, while what you did was poor judgement, so I agree with you that exchanging semi nude photos with another man, and secretly spending the night at the home of another man, is far worse than looking at a dating site out of curiosity that you did not act on. But the real issue here is that you accepted responsibility and were remorseful for what you did, while she rationalizes what she did without remorse.

What you did for 3 days early in your relationship does not compare to what she has done throughout your relationship. You have only been married one year. If you have no children, I would seriously consider divorce. But that is just me knowing what you tell me. You are the only one that has the full picture of who you both are.
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post #38 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 08:32 AM
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Re: Is it bad enough to divorce over?

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I know this is no excuse for my behavior but I feel like texting some one and exchanging seductive pictures while I am away at work is way worse than scrolling through profiles on a dating website.
You're wrong.
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post #39 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 08:37 AM
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Re: Is it bad enough to divorce over?

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You're wrong.
I don't know, it's about intent. I am not saying either is good, but I actually got caught, early on while dating the first ex-Herschel, on a dating website. Now, I had already an account on there (ahem) because that is where I originally met her, however, I had a friend tell me to log on and check out someone he wanted to ask out. That's all I did, gave him my opinion and logged out (forgetting to remove my account again). It was innocent, and I got slammed for it because she had no idea if I was telling the truth or not (probably should have stayed on looking back on it).

She has the intent to send naked pictures. If his intent was to hook up with someone, well, then he's a DB. All we know is what he tells us, and he could lie, which will do him no good.
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post #40 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 08:42 AM
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Re: Is it bad enough to divorce over?

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I believe you when you say it was up three days, you were screwing around with a buddy. Because why lie on some anonymous Internet forum?

But if you were my spouse, I would totally call BS that it was a joke. I would not believe you and would assume you were looking for someone else to (date/bang). It's the most logical reason to jump to.
Especially considering the travel considerations for offshore workers. Wives at home have no control over when and how you come home, how you get there, where you stop along the way, and how long it takes you to get home once you step foot on land.

My take is you don't like being under close supervision, it's humiliating and degrading and stifling. You'll get nowhere playing the 'you did worse than me' crap; you'll NEVER have a decent relationship again if you try to grind her down that way.

What you CAN do is come to her, hat in hand, and say 'look, we both screwed up, and I don't want a marriage where we don't trust each other. Let's do something about this. Together.'

Now, if you find out she was reciprocating with other men beyond receiving this guy's pictures, then you have bigger problems. But I doubt she'll ever tell you the truth if you're busy crucifying her for doing so.


Last edited by turnera; 01-10-2017 at 08:46 AM.
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post #41 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 09:45 AM
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Re: Is it bad enough to divorce over?

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Especially considering the travel considerations for offshore workers. Wives at home have no control over when and how you come home, how you get there, where you stop along the way, and how long it takes you to get home once you step foot on land.
They were not married at the time. What you are missing is that he logged on to that site early in the relationship, whereas as she did what she did later in the relationship. Also, he states that his intent was not to cheat, whereas she clearly intended to cheat and did.

Think about it. Worse case he is lying and by going on the site he was thinking about getting in a relationship where he might exchange semi-nude photos or secretly spend the night at someone's house, but backed down and did not in fact do so. She in fact did these things. Of course he does not have to measure what he did by worse case since he knows if he was lying to us or not and knows for sure his true intent. Bottom line he never actually cheated, and if he is not lying, he never intended to cheat. She intended to cheat and did. I do not see how you can treat his actions the same as hers, especially in light of her lack of remorse.
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post #42 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 10:13 AM
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Re: Is it bad enough to divorce over?

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You're wrong.
No he's not. That's bull **** to tell him that looking without actually involving another person is worse than sexting and spending the night with another man. Pure bull ****.

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post #43 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 11:32 AM
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Re: Is it bad enough to divorce over?

Normally, I respect your opinions, but in this case I think your view is a little one sided.

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Especially considering the travel considerations for offshore workers. Wives at home have no control over when and how you come home, how you get there, where you stop along the way, and how long it takes you to get home once you step foot on land.
Nor do offshore/military workers have control over what their SO's are doing while they are away...Don't minimize what those left at home are capable of doing themselves...I have seen it many times

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Now, if you find out she was reciprocating with other men beyond receiving this guy's pictures, then you have bigger problems. But I doubt she'll ever tell you the truth if you're busy crucifying her for doing so.
For example, she was calling, texting, and messaging with said OM for 3 weeks during the duration of his work. As well as potentially spending the night at another man's home. I would say she probably stepped over that line. I believe part of the problem is that she has been acting holier than thou for several years yet she committed several acts that many would consider cheating and withholding that information. Last time I checked the CWI forum, this was hallmark cheater behavior.

Are they BOTH wrong? You bet and they both should be admonished. (Although I think she stepped WAY further over the line, most likely into the EA zone. Big difference.)


Quote:
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What you CAN do is come to her, hat in hand, and say 'look, we both screwed up, and I don't want a marriage where we don't trust each other. Let's do something about this. Together.'
By far some of the best advice I have seen in this entire thread. Marriage is a group effort, get her involved in trying to find a solution. This old stuff from the past is just that, things from the past. You can't change it, but you can learn from it.
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post #44 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 12:41 PM
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Re: Is it bad enough to divorce over?

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You're wrong.
Let's assume that OP is telling the truth and that he didn't communicate with any of the women in the profiles on that dating site. That would make it a one-way communication where those women did not interact with him in any way. That would be like looking at porn. What his wife did was a two-way communication, complete with flirting and probably sexting involving an old flame. On top of that, she spent the night at another man's house. What was that all about? It sounds to me, she's more dishonest than he was.
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post #45 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 01:49 PM
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Re: Is it bad enough to divorce over?

The reason I say he's wrong, that his wasn't worse, is that he did it first. Up to that point (as far as we know), she had been a model girlfriend/partner, giving him no reason to even consider signing up for a dating site. Now, if he were just opening a website and browsing girls, that's one thing. But to take the step to SIGN UP requires a level of psychological commitment of crossing over a line. Which he is downplaying. If he didn't know he was crossing that line or if he believed she would have seen it as harmless fun, he would have come home and told her about it right away. IIRC, he didn't.
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