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post #46 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 03:05 PM
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Re: Is it bad enough to divorce over?

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I find out she has lied on more than one occasion. One being staying over at a guys house that she knew I didn't approve of and telling me she was somewhere else
Sounds innocent enough to me.

They probably watched movies and made popcorn.


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post #47 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 03:52 PM
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Re: Is it bad enough to divorce over?

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I find out she has lied on more than one occasion. One being staying over at a guys house that she knew I didn't approve of and telling me she was somewhere else
Although the sexting photos which confirm at least an emotional affair (EA) are bad, her "staying over at a guys house that she knew" you "didn't approve", and her lying about it by telling you that "she was somewhere else" is actually what would end it for me. You not approving of the guy shows that you did not trust his intentions with her and shows that you did not consider him to be a friend of your couple relationship, and yet knowing this she was sneaking around with him behind your back. That is what cheaters do.

A major study shows that in only 3% of the time does a cheater get caught in the act of having sex, and in only 7% of the time do they ever admit to having cheated (that includes the 3% caught in the act). This means that in dealing with a cheater, it does not make sense to play the cheater game where they want you to wait around for you to catch them in the act or for them to admit it, because neither is likely to ever happen. You must use common sense and logic to decide what happened (something they do not want you to do), and take action accordingly.
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post #48 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 03:53 PM
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Re: Is it bad enough to divorce over?

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The reason I say he's wrong, that his wasn't worse, is that he did it first. Up to that point (as far as we know), she had been a model girlfriend/partner, giving him no reason to even consider signing up for a dating site. Now, if he were just opening a website and browsing girls, that's one thing. But to take the step to SIGN UP requires a level of psychological commitment of crossing over a line. Which he is downplaying. If he didn't know he was crossing that line or if he believed she would have seen it as harmless fun, he would have come home and told her about it right away. IIRC, he didn't.
It's still bull **** and this is why: She knew, based on how she felt, he would feel about what she was doing and did it anyway. He said he was just screwing around and wouldn't have done it had he known how she would feel about it but she knew and still took it several steps farther. No, there's no way what he did was worse than what she did. No way in hell.

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post #49 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 04:09 PM
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Re: Is it bad enough to divorce over?

I'm curious how she found out about your dating profile. I only ask because I had a friend who was trying to cheat on her husband and found his dating profile! Did she possibly "stumble" upon it while on the dating site herself..?
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post #50 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 05:44 PM
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Is it bad enough to divorce over?

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They were not married at the time. What you are missing is that he logged on to that site early in the relationship, whereas as she did what she did later in the relationship. Also, he states that his intent was not to cheat, whereas she clearly intended to cheat and did.

Think about it. Worse case he is lying and by going on the site he was thinking about getting in a relationship where he might exchange semi-nude photos or secretly spend the night at someone's house, but backed down and did not in fact do so. She in fact did these things. Of course he does not have to measure what he did by worse case since he knows if he was lying to us or not and knows for sure his true intent. Bottom line he never actually cheated, and if he is not lying, he never intended to cheat. She intended to cheat and did. I do not see how you can treat his actions the same as hers, especially in light of her lack of remorse.


No, that's wrong, they were in a committed relationship and living together for some years. So he shouldn't of been anywhere near dating sites, he got his just deserts!


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post #51 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 05:46 PM
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Re: Is it bad enough to divorce over?

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The reason I say he's wrong, that his wasn't worse, is that he did it first. Up to that point (as far as we know), she had been a model girlfriend/partner, giving him no reason to even consider signing up for a dating site. Now, if he were just opening a website and browsing girls, that's one thing. But to take the step to SIGN UP requires a level of psychological commitment of crossing over a line. Which he is downplaying. If he didn't know he was crossing that line or if he believed she would have seen it as harmless fun, he would have come home and told her about it right away. IIRC, he didn't.


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post #52 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 05:52 PM
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Is it bad enough to divorce over?

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It's still bull **** and this is why: She knew, based on how she felt, he would feel about what she was doing and did it anyway. He said he was just screwing around and wouldn't have done it had he known how she would feel about it but she knew and still took it several steps farther. No, there's no way what he did was worse than what she did. No way in hell.


But the point is being missed here...

Whether he had intentions to meet anyone or not she won't believe him because he set up a dating site, she won't know for sure that he's telling the truth because he did cross that line, she will never know how far he went and that's why she acts the way she does, she always wants to feel as if she can get one over on him too. It's a vicious cycle but that's what it is.

I don't believe for one second he had no intentions of engaging in foul play otherwise he wouldn't have signed up to a dating site in the first place.


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post #53 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 06:53 PM
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Re: Is it bad enough to divorce over?

JJKKDM,

Offer to take a polygraph if she will take one as well. This may clear up her doubts as well as yours.

Was the guy who you did not approve of married or did he have a girlfriend at that time?

I have to agree that the half naked pics were an emotional affair at least.

Was there a time when the passion left your marriage, meaning you still had intercourse but the kissing just died or she no longer want you to touch her breasts or something of that nature.

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post #54 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 07:41 PM
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Re: Is it bad enough to divorce over?

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But the point is being missed here...

Whether he had intentions to meet anyone or not she won't believe him because he set up a dating site, she won't know for sure that he's telling the truth because he did cross that line, she will never know how far he went and that's why she acts the way she does, she always wants to feel as if she can get one over on him too.
You are missing the point when you say "Whether he had intentions to meet anyone or not she won't believe him because he set up a dating site". The OP is allowed to make his decision based on what he knows in his heart is the truth about his intentions not to cheat, without there being a requirement that he treat her incorrect view of his intentions as a fact that he must base his decisions on. The only facts that he know for sure is that he did not intend to cheat and never did, while she intended to cheat and did. First she cheated with the sexting guy, where she had at least an emotional affair (EA), and then with the guy that she secretly stayed over with while lying to the OP about her whereabouts.
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post #55 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 07:43 PM
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Re: Is it bad enough to divorce over?

His wife stayed over at a guys house and lied to cover it up .

That trumps signing up for a dating site any day of the week.

They can play the game of "whose transgression was worse" until HELL freezes over, but at the end of the day, it's not looking so good for reasons to stay married which is his original question.


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post #56 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 07:59 PM
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Re: Is it bad enough to divorce over?

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Originally Posted by turnera View Post
The reason I say he's wrong, that his wasn't worse, is that he did it first. Up to that point (as far as we know), she had been a model girlfriend/partner, giving him no reason to even consider signing up for a dating site. Now, if he were just opening a website and browsing girls, that's one thing. But to take the step to SIGN UP requires a level of psychological commitment of crossing over a line. Which he is downplaying. If he didn't know he was crossing that line or if he believed she would have seen it as harmless fun, he would have come home and told her about it right away. IIRC, he didn't.
You're wrong.
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post #57 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 08:19 PM
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Re: Is it bad enough to divorce over?

Number one, she was exchanging nude pictures=sexting=affair.

Number two, she spent the night with another man = affair #2

Number three, she regularly lies

Number four, she kept souvenirs of her sexting affair

Number five, she hounded him for years playing holier than thou

etc.

I tried to check out a website once that made the news to see what the hubub was about. To see anything you had to sign up and maybe pay money. So I just said forget it.

There is no comparison to what they did.

The only way I would stay with her "knowing" she spent the night with another man is if she passed a polygraph. I would offer to take one too under the circumstances.

As far as her lying habits and constant bizarre behavior, I would have the kids DNA checked.
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post #58 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 09:03 PM
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Is it bad enough to divorce over?

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You are missing the point when you say "Whether he had intentions to meet anyone or not she won't believe him because he set up a dating site". The OP is allowed to make his decision based on what he knows in his heart is the truth about his intentions not to cheat, without there being a requirement that he treat her incorrect view of his intentions as a fact that he must base his decisions on. The only facts that he know for sure is that he did not intend to cheat and never did, while she intended to cheat and did. First she cheated with the sexting guy, where she had at least an emotional affair (EA), and then with the guy that she secretly stayed over with while lying to the OP about her whereabouts.


But SHE doesn't know that, think about it, you find your OH on a dating site and they tell you "oh I only set it up for a joke, it was harmless."

Would you believe that?

Say we didn't know anything about OP dilemma now and his wife was to post back when the dating site problem occurred telling us how she caught him on this site but he says he just did it for a laugh and never intended to use it.....we would all be telling her how much of a liar he is and not to fall for such BS. I know this because I've read similar situations on here and all the replies are usually unanimously agreeing that we would think he was up to no good.

And for the record I'm not condoning her behaviour, two wrongs don't make a right and if I were in her situation I would of taken the moral high ground and kept my dignity intact. All I'm saying is the OP is partially to blame in this scenario.

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post #59 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 11:04 PM
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Re: Is it bad enough to divorce over?

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But SHE doesn't know that, think about it, you find your OH on a dating site and they tell you "oh I only set it up for a joke, it was harmless."

Would you believe that?
If you look at who should believe what, it does not compare.

What she is worried about believing: She found out that the OP was on a dating site for 3 days before he closed his account, but she does not know if she should believe him that he never made contact with anyone off that site. The OP has no history of lying to her.

What the OP is worried about believing #1: He found out that she not only made contact with a man that he does not trust, but she secretly stayed over alone with this other man at his house while lying to the OP about her whereabouts, and the OP does not know if he should believe her that she did not have sex with this other man when she stayed over. She has a proven history of lying to the OP.

What the OP is worried about believing #2: He found out that she had an emotional affair (EA) with another man that for sure included sexting photos to each other which she kept, and he does not know if he should believe her that this EA did not go physical where she had sex with this other man. She has a proven history of lying to the OP.
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post #60 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 12:04 AM
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Is it bad enough to divorce over?

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If you look at who should believe what, it does not compare.



What she is worried about believing: She found out that the OP was on a dating site for 3 days before he closed his account, but she does not know if she should believe him that he never made contact with anyone off that site. The OP has no history of lying to her.



What the OP is worried about believing #1: He found out that she not only made contact with a man that he does not trust, but she secretly stayed over alone with this other man at his house while lying to the OP about her whereabouts, and the OP does not know if he should believe her that she did not have sex with this other man when she stayed over. She has a proven history of lying to the OP.



What the OP is worried about believing #2: He found out that she had an emotional affair (EA) with another man that for sure included sexting photos to each other which she kept, and he does not know if he should believe her that this EA did not go physical where she had sex with this other man. She has a proven history of lying to the OP.


I agree it looks bad but what I mean is she only has his word that nothing happened, I know for sure if my husband had set up a dating site I wouldn't take his word for it that it was just "innocent fun" the OP wife probably thinks there's more to it, the fact the OP basically said he had no issues with his wife prior the dating site shows her actions and behaviour are more than likely as result of what his betrayal did to her, she probably feels she can't trust him so she may as well cheat herself.

That's how it looks from my perspective and I also don't believe for one minute his intentions were innocent, I think she happened to catch him before he was able to take it further. In my eyes no one sets up a dating site just for a laugh....maybe 12 year olds but grown men who do that type of thing are there to chat to women and possibly meet up with women.

I'm not saying her behaviour is right but let's not sugarcoat his actions, he's hardly whiter than white.


Finally where did he say he shut it down after three days voluntarily? I think she more than likely caught him and that's why it was shut down after three days.

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