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post #61 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 12:03 AM
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Re: Is it bad enough to divorce over?

I agree it looks bad!



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post #62 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 12:36 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Is it bad enough to divorce over?

Let me clarify the "sleeping at another mans house comment". This happened about 11 months after the photo exchange incident. I was again offshore and she told me she was going to a Halloween party with all her friends. This particular group of friends had a guy in it that she text and called fairly frequently (some type of communication 3 to 4 days a week, I checked the phone records). I told her more than once that I felt he wanted more from here than just friendship and she always assured me he did not.

As the party at the bar ends, her and a few girls go back to his house. She states that their designated driver had left them stranded so she had to take the ride going to his house. That night she told me that she was at her friend Heather's apartment going to bed. Upon checking the call/text logs I see she contacted a cab company early in the morning (she wouldn't have had to do this because her car was at Heather's apartment). I confront her about it and she admits to lying about where she stayed. She assures me she slept on the couch with two other girls.
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post #63 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 01:02 AM
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Is it bad enough to divorce over?

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Originally Posted by JJKKDM View Post
Let me clarify the "sleeping at another mans house comment". This happened about 11 months after the photo exchange incident. I was again offshore and she told me she was going to a Halloween party with all her friends. This particular group of friends had a guy in it that she text and called fairly frequently (some type of communication 3 to 4 days a week, I checked the phone records). I told her more than once that I felt he wanted more from here than just friendship and she always assured me he did not.



As the party at the bar ends, her and a few girls go back to his house. She states that their designated driver had left them stranded so she had to take the ride going to his house. That night she told me that she was at her friend Heather's apartment going to bed. Upon checking the call/text logs I see she contacted a cab company early in the morning (she wouldn't have had to do this because her car was at Heather's apartment). I confront her about it and she admits to lying about where she stayed. She assures me she slept on the couch with two other girls.


Hi OP,

It seems as if she had overstepped the mark by remaining friends with a guy you thought had desires on her. The fact her and a few others went to his house would make me think it was just to crash there and nothing more.

Could she be unwilling to cut ties with this friend because he's part of her social circle and doing this will make it awkward for her to spend time with the rest of her friends? I still think if you are sure he is interested in her then she shouldn't remain friends with him, I'm sure she wouldn't want you hanging out with a girl who had the hots for you.

I still think her behaviour is because of the dating site and how it's really messed up her self esteem, she probably felt like she wasn't enough for you so tried to seek validation elsewhere.

You would both benefit immensely from some relationship counselling because you've said your relationship was great prior to all this. Try and get counselling arranged and hopefully you both can see where you've went wrong, learn from your mistakes and move forward.


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post #64 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 02:37 AM
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Re: Is it bad enough to divorce over?

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This particular group of friends had a guy in it that she text and called fairly frequently (some type of communication 3 to 4 days a week, I checked the phone records).
This other man (OM) was more to her than just a guy in a "group of friends".

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As the party at the bar ends, her and a few girls go back to his house. She states that their designated driver had left them stranded so she had to take the ride going to his house. That night she told me that she was at her friend Heather's apartment going to bed. Upon checking the call/text logs I see she contacted a cab company early in the morning (she wouldn't have had to do this because her car was at Heather's apartment). I confront her about it and she admits to lying about where she stayed. She assures me she slept on the couch with two other girls.
First, they did not have to go back to his house because there designated driver had stranded them. She could have just as easily taken a cab from the bar that night like she did from his house the next morning. They all could have.

Second, she originally lied to you that she spent the night at Heather's house, and if they in fact had all stayed together at his house there would have been no reason for such a lie. Only after you caught on to her lie because of the cab, did she revise the story to say that they all stayed at his house. And just like she knew that her friends were willing to cover for her by tell you that they all slept over at Heather's home, she knew that these same friends would be willing to cover for her by telling you that they all stayed at the other man's place with her that night.

Now that you explained it in more detail, is sounds even worst because it does not make sense.
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post #65 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 03:17 AM
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Re: Is it bad enough to divorce over?

What i find interesting is that the prosecution you went through by her for transgression pales in comparison what she expects from you...more than anything else she is a first class Hypocrite...she is a first class liar, she has clearly demonstrated that she must still think of him if she still has his pictures, and she still has demonstrated that she can justify any of her actions based solely on your transgression...that is a non starter...tell us, what actions has she done since 1-5-2017 to demonstrate heavy lifting to save this marriage, and more importantly to rebuild your trust?

to be honest i tell her that she has destroyed ALL trust with you...and start by DNA the kids. you now have to start from the bottom up.
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post #66 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 03:35 AM
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Re: Is it bad enough to divorce over?

Let's see. She gets pizzed about you making a dating profile to laugh at the profiles. I have seen a couple of my friends do this, some of the profiles are hilarious.

Then she sleeps overnight at a guys house after a party, where she has been drinking, then lies about it. I don't care if she says she slept on the couch with two other girls. That doesn't mean s**t. She could have lied about the two other girls being there or he could have slept on the couch also. It's not like she told the truth about where she stayed that night.
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post #67 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 04:31 AM
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Re: Is it bad enough to divorce over?

Yes it is bad enough to think about whether you want to stay with this woman. Reasons have already been outline by others. And if you are telling the truth about signing on to a dating site with friends for a laugh, then her actions are not justified. There is a very strong chance that she cheated. By the way I do understand and believe your explanation for what you did all those years ago (I have seen more than one of my colleagues, friends etc do something similar with no intention of cheating at all).

It sounds like she has a habit of easily lying to you and then when found out, lying again to provide some kind of bogus, highly questionable explanation. Are you prepared to live with somebody who contacts old boyfriends, leaves from a party with men pursuing her to spend the night at their place while lying to you constantly when you are away, and deflects you by turning the blame on you, and you constantly having to check up on her to catch her (her never feeling remorseful to tell you on her own). I sure don't think this is someone I would want to be around let alone be married to.

So the simple answer to your question is YES!

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post #68 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 06:20 AM
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Re: Is it bad enough to divorce over?

Quote:
Originally Posted by JJKKDM View Post
Let me clarify the "sleeping at another mans house comment". This happened about 11 months after the photo exchange incident. I was again offshore and she told me she was going to a Halloween party with all her friends. This particular group of friends had a guy in it that she text and called fairly frequently (some type of communication 3 to 4 days a week, I checked the phone records). I told her more than once that I felt he wanted more from here than just friendship and she always assured me he did not.

As the party at the bar ends, her and a few girls go back to his house. She states that their designated driver had left them stranded so she had to take the ride going to his house. That night she told me that she was at her friend Heather's apartment going to bed. Upon checking the call/text logs I see she contacted a cab company early in the morning (she wouldn't have had to do this because her car was at Heather's apartment). I confront her about it and she admits to lying about where she stayed. She assures me she slept on the couch with two other girls.
Bull$hit. Polygraph.


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post #69 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 06:50 AM
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Re: Is it bad enough to divorce over?

She and two other girls slept on the couch. Just how big was that couch?
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post #70 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 07:09 AM
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Re: Is it bad enough to divorce over?

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Bull$hit. Polygraph.
Yep. And DNA the kids.



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post #71 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 07:23 AM
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Re: Is it bad enough to divorce over?

At the end of the day, you both have done wrong.

Everyone keeps pointing the finger, but instead of playing the blame game, why not figure out if your marriage is worth saving or not? As I mentioned previously, you can't change the past, it is a done deal. Can you learn from it and move forward as a stronger couple or not?

I would highly recommend some MC with a neutral third party to discuss your issues and lay it out on the table. To be effective though, your both must be on board. If you all are not willing to own your own $hit in what happened and be willing to work on the relationship, it may be a lost cause.
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post #72 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 09:56 AM
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Re: Is it bad enough to divorce over?

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To be effective though, your both must be on board. If you all are not willing to own your own $hit in what happened and be willing to work on the relationship, it may be a lost cause.
Actually the OP has been willing to own his "own $hit" and has been doing so in spades for over 4 years. It is the wife that has been lying and blame shifting without remorse all these years.
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post #73 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 11:02 AM
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Re: Is it bad enough to divorce over?

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Let me clarify the "sleeping at another mans house comment"... She assures me she slept on the couch with two other girls.
If this was the truth, there's no good reason for her to lie about it.
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post #74 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 11:52 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Is it bad enough to divorce over?

She found an email I had sent to my friend while checking up on my emails. My old college room mate's wife worked at a day care. One of her co-workers found this dating profile and messaged me. I immediately knew that some how this was going to get back around to my wife. So to mitigate that, I sent my old roomate an email asking him to tell his wife not to say anything to mine.

When explaining what happened on this forum, I realize how shady this all sounds on my part. I really do. I assure you that my intent with this dating website was not to start another relationship or find hook ups, purely for entertainment. A few of the guys I worked with were on dating sites looking for "hookups". They kept saying how "crazy" some women were on this site and that you wouldn't believe the things they would say. I opened the profile strictly for entertainment (again I acknowledge this was extremely immature) and there is no way I could tell you now how long it would have remained open had she not caught me. This was a shared account between me and another guy who was also curious. I know there is absolutely no way for my wife to know my true intentions and that I did influence her behavior.
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post #75 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 12:16 PM
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Re: Is it bad enough to divorce over?

Quote:
Originally Posted by JJKKDM View Post
Let me clarify the "sleeping at another mans house comment". This happened about 11 months after the photo exchange incident. I was again offshore and she told me she was going to a Halloween party with all her friends. This particular group of friends had a guy in it that she text and called fairly frequently (some type of communication 3 to 4 days a week, I checked the phone records). I told her more than once that I felt he wanted more from here than just friendship and she always assured me he did not.

As the party at the bar ends, her and a few girls go back to his house. She states that their designated driver had left them stranded so she had to take the ride going to his house. That night she told me that she was at her friend Heather's apartment going to bed. Upon checking the call/text logs I see she contacted a cab company early in the morning (she wouldn't have had to do this because her car was at Heather's apartment). I confront her about it and she admits to lying about where she stayed. She assures me she slept on the couch with two other girls.
Okay, first off, you guys have 2 small children. So, if you're working offshore, and are away, how in the world can she go out, especially overnight?

Secondly, she slept on the couch with 2 other girls? I don't know what kind of couch this was, but we have a pretty wide couch if we take the back cushions off. And still, there's no way that H and I could both sleep on there for a night. Never mind adding an extra person to the mix!
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