Is it bad enough to divorce over? - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
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post #76 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 12:28 PM
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Re: Is it bad enough to divorce over?

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Originally Posted by JJKKDM View Post
When explaining what happened on this forum, I realize how shady this all sounds on my part. I really do. I assure you that my intent with this dating website was not to start another relationship or find hook ups, purely for entertainment
Metaphorically speaking, you're worried about the pimple on your nose when you've been tentatively diagnosed with brain cancer.

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post #77 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 03:57 PM
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Re: Is it bad enough to divorce over?

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This was a shared account between me and another guy who was also curious. I know there is absolutely no way for my wife to know my true intentions and that I did influence her behavior.
This is another example of you taking responsibility for your actions, something she has not done. The problem here is that your wife used your remorse to justify her cheating on you and to bully you with a false holier than you control over you and your marriage.

To better evaluate this matter, let’s separate what each did, and look at the transgressions on their own merits by asking the following questions:

1) If you found out that your spouse had a shared account with a friend on a dating site for 3 days where you had no evidence whatsoever that they ever acted on it, where they claimed that he and the friend never had the intent to cheat, where in remorse they accepted “as part of the repercussions for betraying” your trust years where you “constantly controlled everything” they did, who they “hung out with”, “phone, internet, email and monitored” whereabouts, and where they did not have a history of lying to you, would the average person seriously consider divorce based on only this? I would say no.

2) If you found out that your spouse had an emotion affair (EA) where they exchanged and saved sexting photos with a member of the opposite sex, and where your spouse has a history of lying to you “about a lot of things”, would the average person seriously consider divorce based on only this? I would say yes.

3) If you found out that your spouse secretly stayed overnight at the home of a member of the opposite sex that you did not trust while lying to you about their whereabouts, where the reason for the lie did not make sense if the replacement story was true (why lie if all 3 girlfriends slept over?), where the story of why she did it did not make sense (why did she wait until morning to take a cab?), where their story of where they slept did not make sense (3 on a couch?), where she and the other man that you do not consider a friend of your relationship have a relationship that includes regular non-work related contact throughout the week (remember the history of an EA), where your spouse has a history of an EA, and where your spouse has a history of lying to you “about a lot of things”, would an average person seriously consider divorce based on only this? I would say yes again.

Bottom line is that the average person would not seriously consider divorce based on what the OP did, but the average person would seriously consider divorce for either of the two things that the OP's spouse did, and more so if you consider she did both divorce-able things. In answer to your question in this threads title "Is it bad enough to divorce over?", for her no, for you yes.

It takes from 3 to 5 years for a betrayed spouse to deal with a full on affair by their spouse; your 4 years of paying your dues for the dating site matter is more than enough time considering you never actually cheated; your dues are more than paid and she does not get to bring it up anymore. If you still want to give this marriage a try, she needs to be willing to start paying her dues for her far more serious martial transgressions without bringing up the dating site matter as an excuse. Again, your dues are paid, her's are not.

Last edited by TRy; 01-11-2017 at 04:03 PM.
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post #78 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 04:00 PM
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Re: Is it bad enough to divorce over?

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post #79 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-13-2017, 03:43 PM
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Re: Is it bad enough to divorce over?

I am wondering if the OP is looking for a good enough reason to divorce his wife? Because his wife's thread paints a very different story, and either the OP is leaving out a lot of info or the wife is exaggerating her side of the story.

I'm not saying that either of them are in the right, but it feels like a lot of posters here are ganging up on the wife because they're getting an incomplete picture/story.

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post #80 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-13-2017, 04:18 PM
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Re: Is it bad enough to divorce over?

@FeministInPink

I actually confronted him regarding this. I specifically told him he left out quite a bit and with doing so it has painted a completely different story. He said it is very hard to be objective on here. Either way I feel I have filled in the gaps pretty well. I do not feel I am exaggerating but that is my opinion.. My husband has seen what I have posted and I had no intentions to hide it. I actually told him I was doing it prior to doing so. I told him what he posted portrays me as a completely different person and makes what really happened 100 x's worse than what really happened.

After reading each others post, we have seen how all of this looks to each other as well as to others. We have decided that we both need to put everything that happened YEARS ago behind us. All of this happened prior to marriage. We have decided that from the date we got married, anything before that no longer, matters. We will be seeking out marriage counseling and do our best to try to make this work. We both know this isn't going to be easy and that we have a long road ahead of us. We have two beautiful children depending us and we do love each other deeply despite our mistakes and flaws.

Last edited by JaSim340; 01-13-2017 at 04:30 PM.
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post #81 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-13-2017, 05:03 PM
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Re: Is it bad enough to divorce over?

@Nucking Futs

I voluntarily offered to do a DNA test, I told my husband I would even schedule it. He is the one who chose not to. I have nothing to hide and I have not slept with anyone since we have agreed to be exclusive.
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post #82 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-13-2017, 05:06 PM
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Re: Is it bad enough to divorce over?

@Blondilocks it was a pretty big couch that could easily fit a few 120 pound 22/23 years olds. like we stated this was long before we had children.

If anyone is curious I have posted a link below of a similar couch. The couch he had was longer on the ends that this one.

oversized leather sectional sofa - bingewatchshows.com
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post #83 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 06:00 PM
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Re: Is it bad enough to divorce over?

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Originally Posted by JaSim340 View Post
@FeministInPink

I actually confronted him regarding this. I specifically told him he left out quite a bit and with doing so it has painted a completely different story. He said it is very hard to be objective on here. Either way I feel I have filled in the gaps pretty well. I do not feel I am exaggerating but that is my opinion.. My husband has seen what I have posted and I had no intentions to hide it. I actually told him I was doing it prior to doing so. I told him what he posted portrays me as a completely different person and makes what really happened 100 x's worse than what really happened.

After reading each others post, we have seen how all of this looks to each other as well as to others. We have decided that we both need to put everything that happened YEARS ago behind us. All of this happened prior to marriage. We have decided that from the date we got married, anything before that no longer, matters. We will be seeking out marriage counseling and do our best to try to make this work. We both know this isn't going to be easy and that we have a long road ahead of us. We have two beautiful children depending us and we do love each other deeply despite our mistakes and flaws.
I am glad to hear this. I hope the two of you can work out your issues and have a healthier relationship moving forward!

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post #84 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 09:02 PM
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Re: Is it bad enough to divorce over?

OP Your wife is a cheater she gaslighted you, she used your incident to gaslight you. She's been lying to you this whole time I would DNA the kids seriously let her know that you're doing that. I personally could not be with her. Look you know damn well what she did.! She is cheated she slept with that guy. and you know it. First off people don't hide stuff unless they have something to hide. Now only you can only answer this... you know your wife is a cheating POS That cannot be trusted. If I was you in a bit dead serious I would DNA the kids. And I would talk about where she could go and stay because she can't live with me anymore I would dissolve the marriage.

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Last edited by Sparta; 01-17-2017 at 09:04 PM. Reason: Of course spelling
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