Is it bad enough to divorce over? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-08-2017, 09:51 PM Thread Starter
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Question Is it bad enough to divorce over?

I dated my wife for 6 years and have been married to her for 1. Recently I found out that she had messaged an acquaintance of hers 2 1/2 years into our relationship. I'm not exactly sure what the messages said but I found out by discovering semi-nude photos of this man on her email account. They were sent 4 years ago while we were living together and dating.

She has explained to me that the reason she did this was because of a bad fight her and I got into along with me betraying her trust by signing onto a dating website while offshore working. I assured her that the dating website was simply used by me and another guy for 3 days for entertainment while operations were slow. I know this is no excuse for my behavior but I feel like texting some one and exchanging seductive pictures while I am away at work is way worse than scrolling through profiles on a dating website.

I've had this perception of my wife as this extremely loyal but jealous person for 7 years now. Now that I've found out she's capable of being emotionally unfaithful, my perception of her has changed. The thing I valued most in a spouse, loyalty, is now gone. I know its sound hypocritical of me since I betrayed her trust first, but is there a way I can get past this?

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post #2 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-08-2017, 10:11 PM
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Cool Re: Is it bad enough to divorce over?

Sounds like it's reached the stage that some intensive mutual MC might be in order!

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post #3 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-08-2017, 10:14 PM
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Is it bad enough to divorce over?

Hi,

firstly who are you to be so judgemental...you betrayed the trust first and because of that most likely made your wife feel hugely insecure, hence seeking validation from another male to give her an ego boost.

I don't think it's the right way to resolve what you had did to her, but I can understand why she did it.

And secondly, you signed up to a dating website as "operations were slow" that is no excuse, haven't you heard of Netflix or Xbox, do that with your spare time, instead of creeping on other women's profiles.

I don't think it would be responsible of you to try and seek revenge for her email correspondence as it would just be a vicious cycle and will only make matters much worse.

If you love your wife then try to see what she did was a direct result of your behaviour. Try to talk things through with each other and if you both decide the marriage is worth saving then seek some relationship counselling and try and move forward and forgive one another.


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post #4 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-08-2017, 10:22 PM
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Re: Is it bad enough to divorce over?

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Originally Posted by JJKKDM View Post
I dated my wife for 6 years and have been married to her for 1. Recently I found out that she had messaged an acquaintance of hers 2 1/2 years into our relationship. I'm not exactly sure what the messages said but I found out by discovering semi-nude photos of this man on her email account. They were sent 4 years ago while we were living together and dating.

She has explained to me that the reason she did this was because of a bad fight her and I got into along with me betraying her trust by signing onto a dating website while offshore working. I assured her that the dating website was simply used by me and another guy for 3 days for entertainment while operations were slow. I know this is no excuse for my behavior but I feel like texting some one and exchanging seductive pictures while I am away at work is way worse than scrolling through profiles on a dating website.

I've had this perception of my wife as this extremely loyal but jealous person for 7 years now. Now that I've found out she's capable of being emotionally unfaithful, my perception of her has changed. The thing I valued most in a spouse, loyalty, is now gone. I know its sound hypocritical of me since I betrayed her trust first, but is there a way I can get past this?
Just don't have kids until you are sure you can trust her.
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post #5 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-08-2017, 10:36 PM
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Re: Is it bad enough to divorce over?

Are you still working offshore?

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Your marriage reminds me of a guy dragging a dead whale across the beach.
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post #6 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-08-2017, 10:38 PM
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Re: Is it bad enough to divorce over?

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Just don't have kids until you are sure you can trust her.
And she him!

Call us old fashioned, but when my husband is away for work and things are slow he reads the news on the internet, plays games on his phone or skypes me. He doesn't sign up to dating sites!

Mind you, I don't send nude photos of myself to ex's either.
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post #7 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-08-2017, 10:44 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Is it bad enough to divorce over?

After she discovered the dating profile, things went downhill from there. I tried to reassure her that nothing was meant by this gesture and it was simply an extremely immature and poor choice (I had never seen how a dating website worked). For 4 years after I did this she constantly controlled everything I did, who I hung out with, phone, internet, email and monitored my whereabouts. I accepted this as part of the repercussions for betraying her trust.

Throughout these years she has portrayed her self to be the perfect spouse who has unconditional love for me and is completely transparent in her actions. The only thing she asks of me is honesty. I tried my hardest for 4 years to be the man she wanted me to be but it never seemed to be enough. Its only when I asked for her email passwords, phone and text messages that I find out she has lied on more than one occasion. One being staying over at a guys house that she knew I didn't approve of and telling me she was somewhere else, talking about her exes sexual performance to her friends and most recently finding the semi nude photos of the guy she reached out too.

Its only when I dug up her past and started to ask friends about her past that I find out she has lied about a lot of things. How could she have treated me like I was the terrible person who betrayed her trust for 4 years when she was being untruthful and deceitful herself? Just makes me think that she's still doing things behind my back and it causes her to think I'm doing those things to her also, even though I'm not. How can someone be so hypocritical? When I confront her about it, she doesnt take responsibility for the way it makes me feel. Always has some answer to justify what she did.
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post #8 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-08-2017, 10:46 PM
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Re: Is it bad enough to divorce over?

Ok. Your marriage is salvageable if you both start being totally honest with each other about everything with the understanding that you both are working towards trust and a stronger marriage.

Counseling might be in order and /or marriage help books you read together.

Before this discovery, how satisfied were you and her in your relationship?

Have either of you had any other breaches of trust since the dating sight and the nude pictures?

Why did she keep the pictures?

Has she kept in touch with the other man?

Did she send nude pictures to him?
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post #9 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-08-2017, 10:48 PM
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Re: Is it bad enough to divorce over?

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Originally Posted by JJKKDM View Post
After she discovered the dating profile, things went downhill from there. I tried to reassure her that nothing was meant by this gesture and it was simply an extremely immature and poor choice (I had never seen how a dating website worked). For 4 years after I did this she constantly controlled everything I did, who I hung out with, phone, internet, email and monitored my whereabouts. I accepted this as part of the repercussions for betraying her trust.

Throughout these years she has portrayed her self to be the perfect spouse who has unconditional love for me and is completely transparent in her actions. The only thing she asks of me is honesty. I tried my hardest for 4 years to be the man she wanted me to be but it never seemed to be enough. Its only when I asked for her email passwords, phone and text messages that I find out she has lied on more than one occasion. One being staying over at a guys house that she knew I didn't approve of and telling me she was somewhere else, talking about her exes sexual performance to her friends and most recently finding the semi nude photos of the guy she reached out too.

Its only when I dug up her past and started to ask friends about her past that I find out she has lied about a lot of things. How could she have treated me like I was the terrible person who betrayed her trust for 4 years when she was being untruthful and deceitful herself? Just makes me think that she's still doing things behind my back and it causes her to think I'm doing those things to her also, even though I'm not. How can someone be so hypocritical? When I confront her about it, she doesnt take responsibility for the way it makes me feel. Always has some answer to justify what she did.
This sheds a different light on it and I would be extremely reluctant to continue a relationship with such a hypocrite.
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post #10 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-08-2017, 11:09 PM
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Re: Is it bad enough to divorce over?

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And she him!

Call us old fashioned, but when my husband is away for work and things are slow he reads the news on the internet, plays games on his phone or skypes me. He doesn't sign up to dating sites!

Mind you, I don't send nude photos of myself to ex's either.
If I was talking to her I would say exactly what you said. Both of them need to grow up, and learn to talk about their problems.

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post #11 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-08-2017, 11:12 PM
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Re: Is it bad enough to divorce over?

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Originally Posted by JJKKDM View Post
After she discovered the dating profile, things went downhill from there. I tried to reassure her that nothing was meant by this gesture and it was simply an extremely immature and poor choice (I had never seen how a dating website worked). For 4 years after I did this she constantly controlled everything I did, who I hung out with, phone, internet, email and monitored my whereabouts. I accepted this as part of the repercussions for betraying her trust.

Throughout these years she has portrayed her self to be the perfect spouse who has unconditional love for me and is completely transparent in her actions. The only thing she asks of me is honesty. I tried my hardest for 4 years to be the man she wanted me to be but it never seemed to be enough. Its only when I asked for her email passwords, phone and text messages that I find out she has lied on more than one occasion. One being staying over at a guys house that she knew I didn't approve of and telling me she was somewhere else, talking about her exes sexual performance to her friends and most recently finding the semi nude photos of the guy she reached out too.

Its only when I dug up her past and started to ask friends about her past that I find out she has lied about a lot of things. How could she have treated me like I was the terrible person who betrayed her trust for 4 years when she was being untruthful and deceitful herself? Just makes me think that she's still doing things behind my back and it causes her to think I'm doing those things to her also, even though I'm not. How can someone be so hypocritical? When I confront her about it, she doesnt take responsibility for the way it makes me feel. Always has some answer to justify what she did.
Nope get out. You probably are young. Maybe you poisoned the well, but it doesn't sound like it is possible or worth the effort to fix it. She sounds shady. Assuming you are young and can move on to someone else.
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post #12 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-08-2017, 11:18 PM
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Re: Is it bad enough to divorce over?

Quote:
Originally Posted by JJKKDM View Post
I dated my wife for 6 years and have been married to her for 1. Recently I found out that she had messaged an acquaintance of hers 2 1/2 years into our relationship. I'm not exactly sure what the messages said but I found out by discovering semi-nude photos of this man on her email account. They were sent 4 years ago while we were living together and dating.

She has explained to me that the reason she did this was because of a bad fight her and I got into along with me betraying her trust by signing onto a dating website while offshore working. I assured her that the dating website was simply used by me and another guy for 3 days for entertainment while operations were slow. I know this is no excuse for my behavior but I feel like texting some one and exchanging seductive pictures while I am away at work is way worse than scrolling through profiles on a dating website.

I've had this perception of my wife as this extremely loyal but jealous person for 7 years now. Now that I've found out she's capable of being emotionally unfaithful, my perception of her has changed. The thing I valued most in a spouse, loyalty, is now gone. I know its sound hypocritical of me since I betrayed her trust first, but is there a way I can get past this?
You don't have enough information. Your behavior does NOT mitigate any of her actions. She could very well open a thread complaining of your behavior and wonder if it is reason enough for divorce. My answer would be the same. There is a lot more "disclosure" that you and her both need to go through along with working on the basic relationship principles
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post #13 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-08-2017, 11:32 PM
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Re: Is it bad enough to divorce over?

Well, the relationship has a lot of issues of dishonesty and betrayal.

IF you stay in the relationship, you need full disclosure from her (I am assume you have to her, already).
Maybe you BOTH should do a polygraph, to clear the air.

If you just rug-sweep, however, the relationship is, in my opinion, mortally wounded.
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post #14 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 12:13 AM Thread Starter
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Already have two children with her. 18 month and 5 month
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post #15 of 84 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 12:24 AM
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Re: Is it bad enough to divorce over?

This parallels some things in my recent marriage. I was friends with a some ex-GFs and a friend who was never an ex, but we hung out because she went to hs with me, lived near where I was staying st the time and had a kid around my kids age. Everything was strictly platonic and I have never ever given anyone I have ever been with reason to doubt me. She didn't like me being friends with this woman or my exs on facebook. Her defense was always, what if it were me, how would you feel. I couldn't argue that because despite her not being me, I guess it would make me feel insecure. Interestingly enough, down the road I had found out about sexting some dude and whatnot. Now, this was years later, but maybe **** happened earlier I missed? It's usually the ones who want to lock you down so that they know you are always on defense. People who are always on defense never think about going on offense, cause if she is so hard core watching me, clearly she wouldn't do anything.

That being said, anytime someone asks if "this" is dovorcable, it makes me think they are looking for an excuse to leave. You know how you feel and you know the doubt you have in your heart. Maybe MC works? Maybe not. The only thing that matters is you being true to yourself and ask yourself, "Given enough information and reassurance, will I ever trust her again?" If the answer is yes, then go MC and see if she can fulfill it. If the answer is no, then you know you are doomed and the longer you try to make it work, the more frustrating You'll feel nd the more anxiety you both will have.
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