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post #16 of 64 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 04:50 PM
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Re: Need help with wife

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Done all of it. She wanted to learn to play golf so we tried it. She has a very short attention span for everything. We do take walks and I listen to her all the time. Problem is she does not do the same back. I booked us a romantic trip for next weekend. I always tell her she is pretty and she is attracted to me. That's not the issue. Its her showing interest in me (not sexually). She does not like to listen to my issues it stresses her out to much.
My driving fast stress out my W. I do not drive fast any longer.

It appears your W wants to escape the real world with you. If you continue to talk real world there is never an escape. When my W and I vacation the real world is left behind. We do not watch the news. No work emails. Nothing but us and a good time doing what we want.

My W does not listen to my work issues. Makes me no nevermind. I leave work at work.


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post #17 of 64 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 04:55 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need help with wife

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My driving fast stress out my W. I do not drive fast any longer.

It appears your W wants to escape the real world with you. If you continue to talk real world there is never an escape. When my W and I vacation the real world is left behind. We do not watch the news. No work emails. Nothing but us and a good time doing what we want.

My W does not listen to my work issues. Makes me no nevermind. I leave work at work.
Heh I am a very aggressive driver and she hates it. So I do the same. I don't bother talking about work or pretty much anything about myself anymore because I know she does not listen to it. I listen to her though even when I don't care about it at least I fake it. It is a huge turn off that I can not talk to my wife. Which in turn makes me not want to spend time with her.
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post #18 of 64 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 04:58 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need help with wife

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Your W stares at the wall all day? My W has no hobbies but enjoys cooking and delving into Bible study. We do not talk Bible study but we do talk about meals she prepares.

What does your W do with her spare time?
Facebook and kids. She takes care of the house also. She is a good wife in all those aspects.
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post #19 of 64 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 05:28 PM Thread Starter
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I think some of my issue might also be that we spend to much time together. We just aren't doing fun stuff. It's hard when you work together and only go out of the house together also.
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post #20 of 64 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 05:35 PM
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Re: Need help with wife

How many kids do you have / what are their ages? I didn't see you mention them in the first post, and made the assumption that it was just the two of you.

That's a whole different ball of wax with kids. But, there are other opportunities to show love and support for your wife by helping with the children. Depending on ages, some better suggestions may come forth.

Great job for planning the romantic vacation! I hope the two of you have some fun.

Do you happen to know your wife's love language? Not a bad idea to find that out if you don't. My wife and I are different - I'm words of affirmation and physical touch, she's quality time and physical touch. If you know what she responds to, you'll have a much better chance of reaching her. I thought I was doing well by saying all the right things, but she wanted quality time.

What happened with the golf? She just gave up on it? I'm guessing she didn't hit 'the shot that keeps you coming back' - you know - the one lucky swing that gets you hooked because you tell yourself, 'I can do that again!'
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post #21 of 64 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 05:41 PM
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Re: Need help with wife

I love Science, math, programming and chess. My wife not so much; she falls asleep while I’m talking about such stuff. She knows it too; when she can’t sleep she will say “Talk nerdy to me” . 5 minutes of me talking about plank scale strings are really knots/lumpy space time made up of small scale entities…. well just typing this and she fell asleep.

I’m not bothered about this at all & have found many ways to connect with her. It took some effort.

She is religious & while I am not I can support her here
We both go to wine & beer tasting and enjoy traveling.
Taking care of our home is important to us.

Ask her outright for her help in this; sometimes women expect us to be mind readers. I’m not good at hints and my bet is you are not either.

good luck from the orginal Mr. Boring
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post #22 of 64 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 06:43 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Need help with wife

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How many kids do you have / what are their ages? I didn't see you mention them in the first post, and made the assumption that it was just the two of you.

That's a whole different ball of wax with kids. But, there are other opportunities to show love and support for your wife by helping with the children. Depending on ages, some better suggestions may come forth.

Great job for planning the romantic vacation! I hope the two of you have some fun.

Do you happen to know your wife's love language? Not a bad idea to find that out if you don't. My wife and I are different - I'm words of affirmation and physical touch, she's quality time and physical touch. If you know what she responds to, you'll have a much better chance of reaching her. I thought I was doing well by saying all the right things, but she wanted quality time.

What happened with the golf? She just gave up on it? I'm guessing she didn't hit 'the shot that keeps you coming back' - you know - the one lucky swing that gets you hooked because you tell yourself, 'I can do that again!'
Kids are 12 and 16. I am the step father and the real father is a deadbeat who is still in their life (which makes it really hard for me in disciplining). As far as love language that's not an issue. She always wants to have sex. The issue is me wanting to have sex with her. I know she has issues and I always try to support her but how do you stay in love with someone who seems to have no interest in you as a person (she used to). She gave up on golf after we went once. She does not have enough patience for it. She was only half into it the whole time. We try to go to the movies and walk on the beach. I hate walking on the beach but i do it.
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post #23 of 64 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 06:59 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Need help with wife

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I love Science, math, programming and chess. My wife not so much; she falls asleep while I’m talking about such stuff. She knows it too; when she can’t sleep she will say “Talk nerdy to me” . 5 minutes of me talking about plank scale strings are really knots/lumpy space time made up of small scale entities…. well just typing this and she fell asleep.

I’m not bothered about this at all & have found many ways to connect with her. It took some effort.

She is religious & while I am not I can support her here
We both go to wine & beer tasting and enjoy traveling.
Taking care of our home is important to us.

Ask her outright for her help in this; sometimes women expect us to be mind readers. I’m not good at hints and my bet is you are not either.

good luck from the orginal Mr. Boring
I have talked to her about it many times before and it ends up turning into a huge fight. I am not a person who like to argue so when she flips I walk away or stop talking. All rational thinking leaves her body when she gets upset about something. Even when there is not anything to get upset about. We love to travel also and try to take a cruise once a year. Money permitting. That is really the only time I enjoy spending with her (she has no access to her phone). I play video games but when we go out together they don't come with us.
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post #24 of 64 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 07:52 AM
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Re: Need help with wife

OP,
It appears that your W may simply be shallow. She has little patience for your interests and life in general. She is easily bored and she becomes engrossed in activities like scanning FB and mindless TV. There is not much you can do to increase depth in her and I speak from experience. If you really examine how she used to be you will probably find that she kept your interest because she was new to you. Fundamentally she has not changed but rather you have. What was once unknown and intriguing to you is now known and boring.

You expect her to keep things interesting by giving you more "unknown" to be intrigued by but sadly, she hasn't any more. You expect her to have depth and to keep you "guessing" intellectually and therefore intrigued but she simply has none and cannot. I regret informing you of this but it sounds to me as though this is your reality. The only thing you can really do is to find things to do on your own and things that you enjoy doing with her and strike a balance that brings you some happiness. To expect it all from her is to invite disappointment. She is not that deep, not that she would not want to be if she could, but she simply is not.
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post #25 of 64 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 08:19 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Need help with wife

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OP,
It appears that your W may simply be shallow. She has little patience for your interests and life in general. She is easily bored and she becomes engrossed in activities like scanning FB and mindless TV. There is not much you can do to increase depth in her and I speak from experience. If you really examine how she used to be you will probably find that she kept your interest because she was new to you. Fundamentally she has not changed but rather you have. What was once unknown and intriguing to you is now known and boring.

You expect her to keep things interesting by giving you more "unknown" to be intrigued by but sadly, she hasn't any more. You expect her to have depth and to keep you "guessing" intellectually and therefore intrigued but she simply has none and cannot. I regret informing you of this but it sounds to me as though this is your reality. The only thing you can really do is to find things to do on your own and things that you enjoy doing with her and strike a balance that brings you some happiness. To expect it all from her is to invite disappointment. She is not that deep, not that she would not want to be if she could, but she simply is not.
This is what I actually think also. My biggest issue in trying to find things to do on my own is I do not have alone time. My best friend that I used to golf with every weekend moved and basically all other things I like to do are done in the house. Since she never goes out with friends or anything (I long for her to spend time with her friends) I don't get alone time.

What do you think of this? I have sleep issues and experience insomnia sometimes. I sleep at most 5 hours a night and occasionally I wont sleep at all. Then I end up falling asleep early every once in a blue moon (8pm) and when I wake up she is mad at me for falling asleep early. This happens every few months. She usually falls asleep anywhere from 7-10. I usually fall asleep around midnight. If I start to fall asleep and she is awake she will do things to keep me from sleeping. I don't understand this at all and I can only think it is some kind of insecurity she has. Anyone have some insight into this?

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post #26 of 64 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 11:54 AM
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Re: Need help with wife

DH,

I think for the more intelligent people they can stimulate their cerebral cortex just by thinking about things. Perhaps for your wife she needs more of a visual cortex or aural cortex stimulation to get the same amount of brain metabolism.

Noam Chomsky once, I'm paraphrasing", said that he understands why so many men get so involved with sports as it involves the same amount of brain processing as more intellectual type use the think about "great ideas". So it is with your W's processing of gossip and drama.

Tamat
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post #27 of 64 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 02:01 PM
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Re: Need help with wife

My wife and I sometimes don't get to talk much, or we get out of the habit of it. She is pretty into her work, which is fine. One thing that helps us, is to go out with friends. Maybe a museum, we can all go our own ways there. But the important thing for us is to have dinner with them. And these may be friends we don't see very often. Maybe four times a year. It does help that we have things in common. A few of my wife's friends we do see, I don't care for at all. But, that is the price you have to pay. Anyway, at dinner with maybe a drink or two is when we get to talk, nothing specific, but this helps us to have some other people as part of the conversation. So, maybe try going out with some of her friends as a couple. Just an idea.
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post #28 of 64 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 02:08 PM
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Re: Need help with wife

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Heh I am a very aggressive driver and she hates it. So I do the same. I don't bother talking about work or pretty much anything about myself anymore because I know she does not listen to it. I listen to her though even when I don't care about it at least I fake it. It is a huge turn off that I can not talk to my wife. Which in turn makes me not want to spend time with her.
Well, if you don't want to spend time with her, other men will, if you know what I mean. They'll pretend to be really interested in everything she has to say, and soon she'll replace you in her heart with one of them.
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post #29 of 64 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 02:19 PM
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Re: Need help with wife

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Well, if you don't want to spend time with her, other men will, if you know what I mean. They'll pretend to be really interested in everything she has to say, and soon she'll replace you in her heart with one of them.
But how much in her heart is he anyway?
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post #30 of 64 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 08:58 PM
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Re: Need help with wife

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Kids are 12 and 16. I am the step father and the real father is a deadbeat who is still in their life (which makes it really hard for me in disciplining). As far as love language that's not an issue. She always wants to have sex. The issue is me wanting to have sex with her. I know she has issues and I always try to support her but how do you stay in love with someone who seems to have no interest in you as a person (she used to). She gave up on golf after we went once. She does not have enough patience for it. She was only half into it the whole time. We try to go to the movies and walk on the beach. I hate walking on the beach but i do it.
You like science but don't like walking a gorgeous woman on a beach?

Scientifically speaking, study up on the difference between men and women. They aren't the same.

Get the MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER and read it. Else you're headed for a disaster of you own making.

Also, find more time apart. Unless of course you eye is already wandering.
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