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post #31 of 65 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 08:07 PM
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Re: Need help with wife

From what I've read your wife loves and desires you very much. You're extremely lucky. Read the threads in the infidelity section, particularly why wives cheat.

Also, look at the divorce separation threads. You seem like a lucky guy pi$$ing into the wind.

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post #32 of 65 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 08:32 PM
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Re: Need help with wife

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Originally Posted by Yeswecan View Post
Normally couples start new funny stories after the wedding. You two have no funny stories for 8 years of marriage?

Do you do anything with your W????
My ex didn't. He didn't care to, only with his friends. Maybe he's the same way?
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post #33 of 65 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 09:11 PM
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Re: Need help with wife

You don't need to have the same interests, or even really similar interests, but you should have at least one and preferably two or three interests that you both hold. That is your common ground.

My wife isn't interested in science either or just about anything else I find fascinating. She likes to watch crime shows on TV that I find a complete waste of time. I like computer games and when I'm playing she just stares blankly at the screen, probably wondering when I'll grow up

But we have common interests: our house, our dogs, our family, cooking, certain types of vacation activities, and more. I make an effort to find a weekly TV show that I think we will both like and then make it a ritual to watch it together.

If you don't have anything right now that is a common interest then find one and don't get discouraged or frustrated if it takes a while. I'm sure there are tons of things neither of you has done yet that you might both enjoy. Go to a symphony or a play. Work out together. Take walks together and discuss the neighborhood, or whatever you see. Go to a car show. Try karaoke. There are a million things that won't work and a thousand that will work. Good luck! Don't give up.
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post #34 of 65 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 12:40 AM
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Need help with wife

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Originally Posted by Deadhusband View Post
This is what I actually think also. My biggest issue in trying to find things to do on my own is I do not have alone time. My best friend that I used to golf with every weekend moved and basically all other things I like to do are done in the house. Since she never goes out with friends or anything (I long for her to spend time with her friends) I don't get alone time.



What do you think of this? I have sleep issues and experience insomnia sometimes. I sleep at most 5 hours a night and occasionally I wont sleep at all. Then I end up falling asleep early every once in a blue moon (8pm) and when I wake up she is mad at me for falling asleep early. This happens every few months. She usually falls asleep anywhere from 7-10. I usually fall asleep around midnight. If I start to fall asleep and she is awake she will do things to keep me from sleeping. I don't understand this at all and I can only think it is some kind of insecurity she has. Anyone have some insight into this?


Hi OP,

This is a horrible. I too suffer for insomnia and my husband didn't seem to get it, he falls asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow, so if I were up to the early hours of the morning and only managed to get to sleep at ridiculous o'clock he would wake me as soon as he wakes in the morning, even though I didn't have to be up that early....it infuriated me! I had a talk with him and explained how insomnia plagues my life and how when I eventually get to sleep it is a very rare and precious thing for me and is not to be disturbed, he got the message. So really talk to your wife about it and explain how valuable sleep is to you because you can't sleep as easily as her.

I can also relate to your wife switching off as I'm guilty of doing with my husband when he talks about his job (which is engineering offshore) I didn't switch off to be rude or because I didn't want to listen to him, it was merely because I didn't understand any of it and can't really offer any input to the conversation, maybe that's the case with your wife, perhaps she just doesn't fully get it.


You should really try talking to her and explain to her that you are not having a pop at her, you just want to try and talk about it calmly because it's been bothering you. Hopefully she'll listen without getting angry and you can talk to her.

She may be insecure, I don't know, you'd have to say a bit more about her. But the walking you up thing could be anxiety, she doesn't like to feel on her own maybe.

You do need some alone time, all couples do. Having a bit of space from each other is healthy in a relationship. You should really make time for yourself to go and do something enjoyable just for YOU!

You mention your wife doesn't do anything with friends, is she reclusive, or does she avoid socialising? The reason I ask is because I have become that way and I now know it's because I've developed depression. I hope this isn't the case with your wife.




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Last edited by Loveontherocks; 01-11-2017 at 12:49 AM.
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post #35 of 65 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 09:21 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Need help with wife

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Originally Posted by Chaparral View Post
You like science but don't like walking a gorgeous woman on a beach?

Scientifically speaking, study up on the difference between men and women. They aren't the same.

Get the MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER and read it. Else you're headed for a disaster of you own making.

Also, find more time apart. Unless of course you eye is already wandering.
I am not interested in any other woman. I don't hate the beach, I hate the sand all over my car from the beach.
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post #36 of 65 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 09:24 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Need help with wife

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Originally Posted by ooftah View Post
You don't need to have the same interests, or even really similar interests, but you should have at least one and preferably two or three interests that you both hold. That is your common ground.

My wife isn't interested in science either or just about anything else I find fascinating. She likes to watch crime shows on TV that I find a complete waste of time. I like computer games and when I'm playing she just stares blankly at the screen, probably wondering when I'll grow up

But we have common interests: our house, our dogs, our family, cooking, certain types of vacation activities, and more. I make an effort to find a weekly TV show that I think we will both like and then make it a ritual to watch it together.

If you don't have anything right now that is a common interest then find one and don't get discouraged or frustrated if it takes a while. I'm sure there are tons of things neither of you has done yet that you might both enjoy. Go to a symphony or a play. Work out together. Take walks together and discuss the neighborhood, or whatever you see. Go to a car show. Try karaoke. There are a million things that won't work and a thousand that will work. Good luck! Don't give up.
Thanks
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post #37 of 65 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 09:33 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Need help with wife

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Originally Posted by Loveontherocks View Post
Hi OP,

This is a horrible. I too suffer for insomnia and my husband didn't seem to get it, he falls asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow, so if I were up to the early hours of the morning and only managed to get to sleep at ridiculous o'clock he would wake me as soon as he wakes in the morning, even though I didn't have to be up that early....it infuriated me! I had a talk with him and explained how insomnia plagues my life and how when I eventually get to sleep it is a very rare and precious thing for me and is not to be disturbed, he got the message. So really talk to your wife about it and explain how valuable sleep is to you because you can't sleep as easily as her.

I can also relate to your wife switching off as I'm guilty of doing with my husband when he talks about his job (which is engineering offshore) I didn't switch off to be rude or because I didn't want to listen to him, it was merely because I didn't understand any of it and can't really offer any input to the conversation, maybe that's the case with your wife, perhaps she just doesn't fully get it.


You should really try talking to her and explain to her that you are not having a pop at her, you just want to try and talk about it calmly because it's been bothering you. Hopefully she'll listen without getting angry and you can talk to her.

She may be insecure, I don't know, you'd have to say a bit more about her. But the walking you up thing could be anxiety, she doesn't like to feel on her own maybe.

You do need some alone time, all couples do. Having a bit of space from each other is healthy in a relationship. You should really make time for yourself to go and do something enjoyable just for YOU!

You mention your wife doesn't do anything with friends, is she reclusive, or does she avoid socialising? The reason I ask is because I have become that way and I now know it's because I've developed depression. I hope this isn't the case with your wife.




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She is from outside the country originally but has lived in the states since 99. She does not have many friends she can relate to. Most of her friends are either way older than she is or way younger. Her best friend here died 4 years ago from cancer.

She is insecure, has depression, and gets anxiety attacks. Her ex was really bad to her.
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post #38 of 65 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 09:34 AM
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Re: Need help with wife

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Originally Posted by Deadhusband View Post
That is really the only time I enjoy spending with her (she has no access to her phone). I play video games but when we go out together they don't come with us.
Then go out together more. Try a new restaurant once a month. Sign up for cooking classes. Volunteer together at the local pet shelter. Run a church class together.

This stuff doesn't just magically happen. Once the PEA chemicals fade away (the ones you have when you meet that make you crazy in love), all you're left with is a person. Whom you have to work with to stay attracted. Dr. Harley says to spend 10 to 15 hours a week together doing non-work/chores/electronics/kids-related things. Like setting up a jigsaw puzzle. Or having coffee together. Or playing frisbee with the dog. Find a way to see her as a human again, and she'll do the same.
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post #39 of 65 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 10:08 AM
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Re: Need help with wife

dear O.P.
first let me say
(1) All interests are interesting
(2) you seem as though you are not too bright
you are heading for disaster, like a no win situation,
Let me explain.
You say you are always thinking about science and stuff, and want to discuss it with your wife, of course your wife isnt interested, its gobbldygook to he. You have spent time and effort in educating yourself you know the terms and the fasination, she on the other hand has done more girlie stuff (and whats not to love about that)
you need to educate her but gently, one word at a time
maybe take her to a science lecture by someone famous imagine this " Honey i've booked us in to hear S***** H***** talk at the "someplace", i've booked us into the (some swish hotel) for a few nights (now shes thinking "ok posh meals and no cooking")("I think you will need a couple new outfits for it ")
You will then take her and ENJOY her shopping trip

the problem comes when she has taken an interest and she corrects you on your chosen subject

Good Luck
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post #40 of 65 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 11:37 AM
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Re: Need help with wife

Quote:
Originally Posted by Loveontherocks View Post
Hi OP,

This is a horrible. I too suffer from insomnia and my husband didn't seem to get it, he falls asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow, so if I were up to the early hours of the morning and only managed to get to sleep at ridiculous o'clock he would wake me as soon as he wakes in the morning, even though I didn't have to be up that early....it infuriated me!

She may be insecure, I don't know, you'd have to say a bit more about her. But the walking you up thing could be anxiety, she doesn't like to feel on her own maybe.

You do need some alone time, all couples do. Having a bit of space from each other is healthy in a relationship. You should really make time for yourself to go and do something enjoyable just for YOU!

You mention your wife doesn't do anything with friends, is she reclusive, or does she avoid socialising? The reason I ask is because I have become that way and I now know it's because I've developed depression. I hope this isn't the case with your wife.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

On insomnia- Stop drinking coffee or tea after the noon hour. Do not eat or drink alcohol after 6 o'clock. Check out your medications to see if they contribute to insomnia. Anti-histamines and inhalers and allergy medications are a few that add to this problem.

If you do a heavy workout late in the day, especially aerobics, this will ramp-up your metabolism and keep you awake. Do your work-outs earlier, if possible. If not possible, then ignore this tip. Work outs are too important to cancel. Get your wife into exhaustive aerobics to ease any depression.

Go to bed earlier than normal. Even if you cannot sleep, you will at minimum, rest your body.

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post #41 of 65 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 11:44 AM
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Re: Need help with wife

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Originally Posted by Max.HeadRoom View Post
I love Science, math, programming and chess. My wife not so much; she falls asleep while Iím talking about such stuff. She knows it too; when she canít sleep she will say ďTalk nerdy to meĒ . 5 minutes of me talking about plank scale strings are really knots/lumpy space time made up of small scale entitiesÖ. well just typing this and she fell asleep.

Iím not bothered about this at all & have found many ways to connect with her. It took some effort.

She is religious & while I am not I can support her here
We both go to wine & beer tasting and enjoy traveling.
Taking care of our home is important to us.

Ask her outright for her help in this; sometimes women expect us to be mind readers. Iím not good at hints and my bet is you are not either.

good luck from the orginal Mr. Boring
My wife is the same in respect to many of the things i like to talk about. LOL....she gets the scooby Doo glazed eyes look. She does try though....maybe thats why i keep tryin too

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post #42 of 65 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 11:45 AM
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Re: Need help with wife

Sounds like what used to be my problem. I have a very high IQ. Not bragging because I was born with it and did nothing to earn it, like being born tall. My wife took a commercial course in high school so her education is lacking compared to mine. Yet I have loved her for 44 years. I too longed for someone I could talk to about my interests. It bothered me and my wife knew it.

What my wife did what not many wives would do. She invited her girlfriend to stay with us after her nasty divorce. I knew her best friend even longer than my wife did. Soon the three of us were like family. My wife's friend held two Master's Degrees and challenged me mentally which I liked. So I had the best of both worlds for a few months. However, my wife and I were falling in love with her girlfriend and my wife took matters into her own hands and got us together for a threesome which turned into her girlfriend living with us for 7 years full time and then part time for the next 23 years after she remarried. I know that this sounds weird and even sinful but we have had a great life together. I had the love of two women who combined fulfilled all of my needs.

Not everyone's solution I am sure but our lifestyle did put us in contact with many married couples that lived nontraditional marriages to fulfill needs that their spouses could not. It was like a curtain had been pulled aside and we saw a world unlike that of our conservative friends. That was how my wife solved your kind of problem that I share. Not your everyday solution and we know it disturbs the sensibilities of many whose moral code and view of marriage is different than ours. That is OK. We are married for over 44 years and non of our friends and family made it even half of that time so we do not feel like we made a mistake.

Barring dating other women, there is something else you can do that I tried with some success. I took up Amateur radio and through that hobby met a lot of smart people. We spoke to each other on our radios all over the world. Always could find someone interested in what I was interested in and unlike forums, speaking to each other directly was very interactive. I also met up with some local ham radio operators for breakfast, lunch or dinner, once a week. It did help but there is a difference between friends who love the same things as you and someone who loves you because you love what they do. When our girlfriend came into our life it felt so right, so comfortable like it was meant to be. We never had one instance of jealousy, problem or even an argument due to our lifestyle.

So try joining a club. I lived in NYC so there were lots of clubs and lots of people who shared my interests. I am also into competitive shooting and joined a local club for that too. Forums are not a good way to communicate. There is not immediate give and take and not a good medium for in-depth discussions. I know what you feel. Friends are OK but not the same as having the person you love share your thoughts with you. Do not know what else to say. Some people get divorced over mismatches like this and my wife knew this and did something about it. It helped that she discovered that she could love a person regardless of their gender. That made it easier and more special for us. Good luck and if you are happy with your wife in all other respects, find some friends that share your interest. I loved ham radio because it also can use computers as well as radio waves so I can talk to people at any time about my interests. Still not as good as laying naked in bed and talkign to the woman you just made love to but a close second. I wish you find the happiness that I did in your marriage.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality when the choice is monogamy or your marriage.
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post #43 of 65 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 12:05 PM
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Re: Need help with wife

There needs to be a bit more give and take between the two of you. Straight up.

First of all, she could at LEAST fake pay attention to you. Unless you've told her you don't like that sort of reaction, it never hurts to feign interest now and then. I suggest you TELL her this. TELL her you want her to at least humour you now and then. My guess is a little conversation will fix this and she'll suddenly find atoms (or whatever) interesting for YOU.
I confess I was guilty of not humouring my husband when it came to TV or movies. If he had something on I wasn't interested in I'd leave and go do my own thing. Yet he sat through stuff I watch. I didn't expect him to sit through mine if he didn't want to, but he did and it wasn't until he blew a lid one day I realized he wanted the same treatment.

Second of all, to claim you're not sexually attracted to her because of this is a joke. It sounds like something some whiny teenager would do. My guess is if she started sucking your **** you ain't gonna say no. You're telling yourself you're not attracted to her as a way to punish her, subconsciously. This is a dangerous approach.

In sum, ask her to humour you. She'll probably humour you. Problem solved. You have to respect she's not interested in what you're interested in, but it's not too much to expect your spouse to listen.
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post #44 of 65 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 01:34 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need help with wife

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My wife is the same in respect to many of the things i like to talk about. LOL....she gets the scooby Doo glazed eyes look. She does try though....maybe thats why i keep tryin too
Your wife tries. My wife looks at her phone like I am not talking.
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post #45 of 65 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 01:41 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need help with wife

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Originally Posted by Vinnydee View Post
Sounds like what used to be my problem. I have a very high IQ. Not bragging because I was born with it and did nothing to earn it, like being born tall. My wife took a commercial course in high school so her education is lacking compared to mine. Yet I have loved her for 44 years. I too longed for someone I could talk to about my interests. It bothered me and my wife knew it.

What my wife did what not many wives would do. She invited her girlfriend to stay with us after her nasty divorce. I knew her best friend even longer than my wife did. Soon the three of us were like family. My wife's friend held two Master's Degrees and challenged me mentally which I liked. So I had the best of both worlds for a few months. However, my wife and I were falling in love with her girlfriend and my wife took matters into her own hands and got us together for a threesome which turned into her girlfriend living with us for 7 years full time and then part time for the next 23 years after she remarried. I know that this sounds weird and even sinful but we have had a great life together. I had the love of two women who combined fulfilled all of my needs.

Not everyone's solution I am sure but our lifestyle did put us in contact with many married couples that lived nontraditional marriages to fulfill needs that their spouses could not. It was like a curtain had been pulled aside and we saw a world unlike that of our conservative friends. That was how my wife solved your kind of problem that I share. Not your everyday solution and we know it disturbs the sensibilities of many whose moral code and view of marriage is different than ours. That is OK. We are married for over 44 years and non of our friends and family made it even half of that time so we do not feel like we made a mistake.

Barring dating other women, there is something else you can do that I tried with some success. I took up Amateur radio and through that hobby met a lot of smart people. We spoke to each other on our radios all over the world. Always could find someone interested in what I was interested in and unlike forums, speaking to each other directly was very interactive. I also met up with some local ham radio operators for breakfast, lunch or dinner, once a week. It did help but there is a difference between friends who love the same things as you and someone who loves you because you love what they do. When our girlfriend came into our life it felt so right, so comfortable like it was meant to be. We never had one instance of jealousy, problem or even an argument due to our lifestyle.

So try joining a club. I lived in NYC so there were lots of clubs and lots of people who shared my interests. I am also into competitive shooting and joined a local club for that too. Forums are not a good way to communicate. There is not immediate give and take and not a good medium for in-depth discussions. I know what you feel. Friends are OK but not the same as having the person you love share your thoughts with you. Do not know what else to say. Some people get divorced over mismatches like this and my wife knew this and did something about it. It helped that she discovered that she could love a person regardless of their gender. That made it easier and more special for us. Good luck and if you are happy with your wife in all other respects, find some friends that share your interest. I loved ham radio because it also can use computers as well as radio waves so I can talk to people at any time about my interests. Still not as good as laying naked in bed and talkign to the woman you just made love to but a close second. I wish you find the happiness that I did in your marriage.
Heh my wife is quite jealous and would probably kill someone if that situation happened to us. I dont judge any ones marriage. How ever people want to live is their business. Thanks for the advice.
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