How would you handle this? - Talk About Marriage
General Relationship Discussion Although anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.

User Tag List

 6Likes
  • 2 Post By FeministInPink
  • 1 Post By EllisRedding
  • 1 Post By Ursula
  • 1 Post By EllisRedding
  • 1 Post By FeministInPink
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #1 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 12:02 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 124
How would you handle this?

How would you handle a situation such as this?

SO says to you in the middle of a discussion that he/she plans on going to see a psychologist in order to figure out some things in the marriage/long-term relationship that have been really bothering them.

Would you: sit them down then and there to find out what's bothering them, get to the root of the problem and discuss potential solutions, or just brush it under the rug and hope it goes away? Or, something else?

Ursula is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 12:14 PM
Member
 
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 667
Re: How would you handle this?

I'd just say OK, and that when they are ready to talk about it to let me know.
Bananapeel is offline  
post #3 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 12:24 PM
Member
 
FeministInPink's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 4,793
Re: How would you handle this?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ursula View Post
How would you handle a situation such as this?

SO says to you in the middle of a discussion that he/she plans on going to see a psychologist in order to figure out some things in the marriage/long-term relationship that have been really bothering them.

Would you: sit them down then and there to find out what's bothering them, get to the root of the problem and discuss potential solutions, or just brush it under the rug and hope it goes away? Or, something else?
Neither.

With as much empathy and sensitivity as possible, I would ask him, if he sees a problem with the relationship, why he wants to go to a psychologist--and not a relationship counselor together? Because if he perceives a problem in our relationship, it's also my problem, and I want to be a part of the solution.

By responding in this way, I demonstrate the following:

1) solidarity and support of my partner
2) a desire to be a part of the solution and not the root of the problem
3) an openness to communication without pressuring him to directly disclose the problem in the moment

I mean, what he's said is pretty vague and cryptic, but I actually find it encouraging for a few reasons:

1) He's taking the initiative to go to counseling on his own. That indicates that he probably thinks the issue is with his reaction and how he perceives the problem. I don't think that he sees you as contributing to or creating the problem. Otherwise, I think he would be trying to get YOU to go with him. This shows that he is pretty self-aware, which is a good thing.
2) He told you about it. This shows that he wants to be transparent and open with you; he's not trying to keep secrets or blindside you. He's not telling you now what the problem is, but he will eventually tell you, whatever this is. He just may not be ready.
3) Whatever this problem is, he wants to fix it, which means he is invested in the relationship and wants to work on making it better. He isn't planning on walking away any time soon.

I don't know if this applies to all men, but my partner needs time to sort things and think about things before we can hash them out and resolve them, whereas I (the woman) wants to resolve it right away, and get everything out there. So I usually unload everything in the moment... and then he needs some time (how much depends on the issue), and then we come back together and talk about it again. And then sometimes he needs some more time to think. Men are not always well connected, identify easily, or even understand their emotions, and they need time to sort that out and figure out what exactly they are feeling... and then they have to figure out if it's something that they should act on, or if the feeling should be disregarded and acted against. So your partner is likely seeking out a counselor to help him figure out how he really feels about this issue before bringing it to you, which is actually quite thoughtful.

Best of luck, dear... I hope it turns out well.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
FeministInPink is online now  
 
post #4 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 12:28 PM
Member
 
EllisRedding's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Valhalla (Or the Northeast USA)
Posts: 5,928
Re: How would you handle this?

Hit up the local Taco Bell ... b/c I don't need that kind of negativity in my life!
EllisRedding is offline  
post #5 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 12:55 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 124
Re: How would you handle this?

Well Ellis, I do enjoy a good taco! :-D

FIP, it was actually me who let it slip during a heated discussion, that I'm thinking about going to see a therapist regarding some issues that I really need to get sorted out. I am interested in working through them, and H knows what some major issues are (sex, I want to have a family), but we don't talk about them because blowups are the result, and neither of us find those fun. So, I need to figure out how badly I want a family, and whether or not I can give that dream up to stay with him. That's the major issue that is currently causing daily panic attacks.
Ursula is offline  
post #6 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 01:05 PM
Member
 
EllisRedding's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Valhalla (Or the Northeast USA)
Posts: 5,928
Re: How would you handle this?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ursula View Post
Well Ellis, I do enjoy a good taco! :-D

FIP, it was actually me who let it slip during a heated discussion, that I'm thinking about going to see a therapist regarding some issues that I really need to get sorted out. I am interested in working through them, and H knows what some major issues are (sex, I want to have a family), but we don't talk about them because blowups are the result, and neither of us find those fun. So, I need to figure out how badly I want a family, and whether or not I can give that dream up to stay with him. That's the major issue that is currently causing daily panic attacks.
Well, if you can't accomplish anything without a resulting blow up, and your concerns/issues sound very significant, I think talking things out with a therapist is a good choice. This can at least help you to better organize/focus your thoughts (to a lesser extent what I like using TAM for).

I would however NOT brush your concerns under the rug.
EllisRedding is offline  
post #7 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 01:34 PM
Member
 
browser's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 991
Re: How would you handle this?

I'd say "any reason why you don't feel you can talk to me, your lifelong devoted, committed relationship partner, about these issues that are bothering you?"

Things are more like they are now, than they ever were before - Dwight D Eisenhower
browser is offline  
post #8 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 08:38 PM
Member
 
livelaughlovenow's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 812
Re: How would you handle this?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ursula View Post
How would you handle a situation such as this?

SO says to you in the middle of a discussion that he/she plans on going to see a psychologist in order to figure out some things in the marriage/long-term relationship that have been really bothering them.

Would you: sit them down then and there to find out what's bothering them, get to the root of the problem and discuss potential solutions, or just brush it under the rug and hope it goes away? Or, something else?
My humble opinion for what it is worth.... I would ask if they wanted to talk to me about it too, and based on their answer go from there. I wouldn't pry, but I would have to at least ask (especially since it was in the middle of a discussion)... I would also (just me) rethink the discussion to see if there was something that maybe triggered them to share that peice of information at that particular time.
livelaughlovenow is offline  
post #9 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 11:53 AM
Member
 
FeministInPink's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 4,793
Re: How would you handle this?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ursula View Post
Well Ellis, I do enjoy a good taco! :-D

FIP, it was actually me who let it slip during a heated discussion, that I'm thinking about going to see a therapist regarding some issues that I really need to get sorted out. I am interested in working through them, and H knows what some major issues are (sex, I want to have a family), but we don't talk about them because blowups are the result, and neither of us find those fun. So, I need to figure out how badly I want a family, and whether or not I can give that dream up to stay with him. That's the major issue that is currently causing daily panic attacks.
Thanks for the clarification. It makes sense that you are choosing to go on your own. And you aren't really going to figure out the marriage issues, you're going to figure out what you need and want you want, so you're really going to work on your issues first, before tackling the marital issues. That is good.

How did HE react when you let it slip?

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
FeministInPink is online now  
post #10 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 01:36 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 124
Re: How would you handle this?

Hey FIP,

Yeah, I thought that it would be wiser to go on my own at least at first, and get these issues taken care of. Mediocre sex life I can probably live with, but I really need to figure out this child issue; it's the one that's really bothering me. In reality though, both issues tie directly to my marriage. You asked how he reacted when I let it slip. He had no reaction, and didn't say anything to be regarding that information.

Editied to read: "Mediocre sex life I can probably live with" instead of "Mediocre sex life I can probably live without". Oops!


Quote:
Originally Posted by FeministInPink View Post
Thanks for the clarification. It makes sense that you are choosing to go on your own. And you aren't really going to figure out the marriage issues, you're going to figure out what you need and want you want, so you're really going to work on your issues first, before tackling the marital issues. That is good.

How did HE react when you let it slip?



Last edited by Ursula; 01-12-2017 at 02:05 PM.
Ursula is offline  
post #11 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 02:03 PM
Member
 
turnera's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 35,147
Re: How would you handle this?

I'm seeing fewer and fewer reasons for you to stay with him.
turnera is offline  
post #12 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 02:05 PM
Member
 
FeministInPink's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 4,793
Re: How would you handle this?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ursula View Post
Hey FIP,

Yeah, I thought that it would be wiser to go on my own at least at first, and get these issues taken care of. Mediocre sex life I can probably live without, but I really need to figure out this child issue; it's the one that's really bothering me. In reality though, both issues tie directly to my marriage. You asked how he reacted when I let it slip. He had no reaction, and didn't say anything to be regarding that information.
So he's processing. He didn't want to react in the moment, which means he didn't like his initial reaction, whatever it was. But he WILL bring it up later, once he's figured out how he feels about it.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
FeministInPink is online now  
post #13 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 02:08 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 124
Re: How would you handle this?

Sadly, me too. Thing is that he's not a bad person, he's a good, good person. He doesn't drink to the point of drunkenness, doesn't do drugs, treats me and my dogs well, and loves those dogs to no end. He gets along well with both our families, is smart, and has a good heart. I just seem to have fallen out of love with him, and even though his perspective on some things has changed, mine hasn't, and there are still things that I value and want in life. I don't know if I can give those up without huge regrets.

Quote:
Originally Posted by turnera View Post
I'm seeing fewer and fewer reasons for you to stay with him.
Ursula is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
How to Handle the Holidays as a Divorced Parent VS Glen Home Page Feature News 0 12-05-2016 11:33 AM
Partner too much for me to handle, its making me ill! Crystal2675 Considering Divorce or Separation 2 07-22-2016 07:36 PM
I hate our neighbors. H and I can't agree on how to handle them. kag123 General Relationship Discussion 26 05-03-2016 06:39 PM
Please advise how to handle this situation for reconcilation babitha Reconciliation 1 04-26-2016 11:25 AM
How to handle non-stop flirting with your wife Aub85 Sex in Marriage 100 01-30-2016 11:15 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome