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How would you handle this?

993 views 12 replies 7 participants last post by  Ursula 
#1 ·
How would you handle a situation such as this?

SO says to you in the middle of a discussion that he/she plans on going to see a psychologist in order to figure out some things in the marriage/long-term relationship that have been really bothering them.

Would you: sit them down then and there to find out what's bothering them, get to the root of the problem and discuss potential solutions, or just brush it under the rug and hope it goes away? Or, something else?
 
#3 ·
Neither.

With as much empathy and sensitivity as possible, I would ask him, if he sees a problem with the relationship, why he wants to go to a psychologist--and not a relationship counselor together? Because if he perceives a problem in our relationship, it's also my problem, and I want to be a part of the solution.

By responding in this way, I demonstrate the following:

1) solidarity and support of my partner
2) a desire to be a part of the solution and not the root of the problem
3) an openness to communication without pressuring him to directly disclose the problem in the moment

I mean, what he's said is pretty vague and cryptic, but I actually find it encouraging for a few reasons:

1) He's taking the initiative to go to counseling on his own. That indicates that he probably thinks the issue is with his reaction and how he perceives the problem. I don't think that he sees you as contributing to or creating the problem. Otherwise, I think he would be trying to get YOU to go with him. This shows that he is pretty self-aware, which is a good thing.
2) He told you about it. This shows that he wants to be transparent and open with you; he's not trying to keep secrets or blindside you. He's not telling you now what the problem is, but he will eventually tell you, whatever this is. He just may not be ready.
3) Whatever this problem is, he wants to fix it, which means he is invested in the relationship and wants to work on making it better. He isn't planning on walking away any time soon.

I don't know if this applies to all men, but my partner needs time to sort things and think about things before we can hash them out and resolve them, whereas I (the woman) wants to resolve it right away, and get everything out there. So I usually unload everything in the moment... and then he needs some time (how much depends on the issue), and then we come back together and talk about it again. And then sometimes he needs some more time to think. Men are not always well connected, identify easily, or even understand their emotions, and they need time to sort that out and figure out what exactly they are feeling... and then they have to figure out if it's something that they should act on, or if the feeling should be disregarded and acted against. So your partner is likely seeking out a counselor to help him figure out how he really feels about this issue before bringing it to you, which is actually quite thoughtful.

Best of luck, dear... I hope it turns out well.
 
#5 ·
Well Ellis, I do enjoy a good taco! :-D

FIP, it was actually me who let it slip during a heated discussion, that I'm thinking about going to see a therapist regarding some issues that I really need to get sorted out. I am interested in working through them, and H knows what some major issues are (sex, I want to have a family), but we don't talk about them because blowups are the result, and neither of us find those fun. So, I need to figure out how badly I want a family, and whether or not I can give that dream up to stay with him. That's the major issue that is currently causing daily panic attacks.
 
#6 ·
Well, if you can't accomplish anything without a resulting blow up, and your concerns/issues sound very significant, I think talking things out with a therapist is a good choice. This can at least help you to better organize/focus your thoughts (to a lesser extent what I like using TAM for).

I would however NOT brush your concerns under the rug.
 
#8 ·
My humble opinion for what it is worth.... I would ask if they wanted to talk to me about it too, and based on their answer go from there. I wouldn't pry, but I would have to at least ask (especially since it was in the middle of a discussion)... I would also (just me) rethink the discussion to see if there was something that maybe triggered them to share that peice of information at that particular time.
 
#13 ·
Sadly, me too. Thing is that he's not a bad person, he's a good, good person. He doesn't drink to the point of drunkenness, doesn't do drugs, treats me and my dogs well, and loves those dogs to no end. He gets along well with both our families, is smart, and has a good heart. I just seem to have fallen out of love with him, and even though his perspective on some things has changed, mine hasn't, and there are still things that I value and want in life. I don't know if I can give those up without huge regrets.
 
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