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Supposed to be getting married in a few months Fiancee goasting me?

25K views 219 replies 47 participants last post by  ale.sweetie 
#1 ·
So my fiancee and I have been in a relationship for 4 years and engaged for about six months now. Well, we are two months out from being married and the past week it is like something has just clicked and has been ignoring me. We own our own home but he just didn't come home one night and has been staying with his best friend. Won't answer my Calls or texts and when I go over to the friend's house to see him and try and find out what in the hell has been going on he won't talk to me and the friend just sends me away and says he is alright and just doesn't want to talk. How do we go from such an incredibly close relationship and about to spend the rest of our lives togeather to him just cutting contact with me two months before our wedding? I don't even know what to do if he won't talk to me and I don't know what I did wrong and its just ****ing with me. Go from crying to being angry to just plain confused. How can a guy do this to another person? I just wish I knew what I did and Just wish he would talk to me and wish he understood how badly this is screwing with me emotionally. I just don't know what to do, I go over every day after work to see if he will finally talk to me and nada, I even text him and just get silence back. This is truly disheartening and breaking my heart.
 
#2 ·
You need to cancel the wedding to start with and try and get as much money back as you can.Your fiancé has gotten cold feet and while this is not unheard of the ignoring part is very worrying.He sounds very immature and this may be a sign of how things would have been in the future.
Could there be anyone else on the scene?
 
#3 ·
Oh wow... That's absolutely horrible. I'm so very sorry that he's chosen to do this to you... I agree with Andy... You gotta get things canceled ASAP. I know a lot of stuff isn't refundable though... Especially wedding dresses after they're altered. :/

If I were in your shoes, I'd honestly feel very strongly in thinking there might be "someone else". :/ whether or not he's got cold feet, something ain't adding up there. I feel like even if he got cold feet, he'd have spoken to you about it by now. Running and hiding at a friend's house and avoiding you like the plague makes no sense... he should have been able to figure out how to approach you by now if that's all it was. It's been days (according to your post).

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#4 ·
I'm so sorry, m'dear, but I do not sense very good vibes about this situation.

One reliable indicator is that if he treats you this way in the state of engagement, he'll do far worse in the matrimonial state!

Please get with a good lawyer ASAP to discuss your property rights and getting your share of the money back! Due notice of that will most definitely get his undivided attention!

Sorry to see you here at TAM, but you've come to the best possible place to air your problems!
 
#5 · (Edited)
I would cancel everything as well, even if he comes to you tomorrow professing his eternal love I would still postpone the wedding. He is acting like an immature coward, he is ducking an issue and leaving you and your emotions flapping in the wind. Could you imagine being married to a guy like that? As his future wife you should be the most important person in his life, for him to go into hiding and refusing to talk to you should be a loud and clear message of the level of respect he has for you....zero.

Having cold feet is one thing, hiding and avoiding you takes it to an entirely different level, he is not marriage material.

Thought I would come back and add a thought....if he didn't come home one night is it possible he hooked up with another woman and now is so ashamed and distraught he can't face you?
 
#6 ·
He's not getting cold feet. He has totally shut you out. He is seeing someone else.
That's why he's staying with his friend..... and her when it's late.

You just need to very simply cash out of that home and move on. You're going over there every day chasing him. I know the incredibly powerful urge to know why he's doing this and to fix it so you can go back to normal happiness and contentment. But it's the exact opposite thing you need to do.
You should end this relationship.

The chances of him not seeing someone else are very low. Even if he's not, he is not the right man for you. Nobody should shut out the woman they intend to marry like that. You are being pooped on. Don't accept it. MOVE ON. You don't want to hear that, but it's what you should do, no matter what the reason he has for this.
 
#24 ·
You just need to very simply cash out of that home and move on. ... You're going over there every day chasing him. ... Don't accept it. MOVE ON. You don't want to hear that, but it's what you should do, no matter what the reason he has for this.
It's probably best to cash out and move on, but I'd consider just changing the locks. Of course with this behavior I'm sure he'll stop paying his share of the mortgage if there is one.

This is a horrible situation but I agree with Evinrude58, OP you must stop chasing him for your own dignity. This is so bizarre and cruel after 4 years to do this, but Thank God it happened before the wedding. I would be so curious and confused like you sound. You might consider hiring a PI to find out what's really going on with him to solve the mystery for yourself, but other than that, I urge you completely stop chasing him.

He is probably having an affair, but even if he cut off all contact because something horrible and traumatic happened to him that night he just "didn't come home" (WTF?) You are his fiance. If he can turn to his friend but not you, then there is something very wrong with him and your relationship and you do not want to marry him even if he comes crawling back after you stop pursuing him.

Good luck. So bizarre and horrible. BTW, if you find out what his deal is, I'm dying to know.
 
#7 ·
He's obviously having second thoughts, and for good reason.

Most marriages fail, and when they do most often it's the guy who gets the shaft, and more often than not is left paying so much support to an exwife and children who want nothing to do with him, that he can't even afford to put a roof over his head. My guess is he's done some research and he realized he was about to make what could have been the biggest mistake of his entire life. (I speak from personal experience here).

You two had a good thing. It's possible you can still both have a good thing, but of course there's no way to know exactly where his head is at.

I suggest you remove the pressure, and make him aware of the fact that you know he's no longer interested in getting married and you are ok with that, because you understand and agree with the reasons.

Only say that of course, if you are in fact willing to give up on being married.
 
#8 ·
I go over every day after work to see if he will finally talk to me and nada, I even text him and just get silence back.
Someone that can treat you like this is not someone that you should marry. Call off the wedding. If you want to know if there is someone else that he is seeing, immediately hire a private investigator for a day to see where he goes and who he is seeing. I doubt that he is holed up 24 hours a day at the friends house. Truth is that he may not even be staying at the friends house.
 
#10 ·
I honestly don't think he is cheating but I knew he had commitment issues from his past. Just rather hard to know he could do this to a person he claimed he loved and I thought he was over the commitment issues when he proposed and I repeatedly made sure this is what he wanted and wasn't just doing it because he thought it was what I wanted which it is. Just the reason we dated so long, I mean he pursued me but I knew his issues through mutual friends so I am just hurting now. I mean we up and bought a house togeather a few months ago because we were so excited about spending the rest of our lives togeather and now its just like he flipped a switch and changed.
 
#12 · (Edited)
I honestly don't think he is cheating but I knew he had commitment issues from his past. Just rather hard to know he could do this to a person he claimed he loved and I thought he was over the commitment issues when he proposed and I repeatedly made sure this is what he wanted and wasn't just doing it because he thought it was what I wanted which it is. Just the reason we dated so long, I mean he pursued me but I knew his issues through mutual friends so I am just hurting now. I mean we up and bought a house together a few months ago because we were so excited about spending the rest of our lives togeather and now its just like he flipped a switch and changed.
One more thing... ---------------------------------- find a realtor to list the house, unless you want to (and can afford to) buy out his share and keep the house.
 
#11 ·
I agree with everything said here, except the thing about hiring a PI. It doesn't matter if he's seeing someone else. WHY he is doing this is completely irrelevant.

CANCEL THE WEDDING NOW. Don't wait until you hear back from him. His lack of response is all the answer that you need. If he actually wanted to marry you, he would be responsive.

And, my dear... YOU DODGED A REALLY BIG BULLET. This is not the kind of man you want to marry. This is the kind of man who, when things get touch, will run and hide. This is the kind of man who will use you as a human shield when confronted by a bad person with a gun. This is the man who, instead of communicating with you when something is wrong, shuts you out completely.

A spouse is your partner in everything in life. They are there for you to lean on in tough times, and you are there for them. Your spouse trusts you enough to be honest, emotionally raw, and communicate with you. If something is wrong, a true/strong partner will come to you and confide in you their concerns, and you will listen and be part of the solution. He's not doing that. This man is not a good partner for you. Be grateful that he has run away now, because as much as this hurts right now, I promise you, he is saving you from a much longer, more intense pain in the future.

Cancel the wedding. Get back whatever money you can, and thank God that your chickensh!t ex-fiance saved you from making the biggest mistake of your life (marrying him), and move on with your life. Find someone who deserves you.

*hugs*
 
#14 ·
OP sometimes it is very difficult for us to believe that someone who allegedly loves us could hurt us so thoughtlessly. You need to realize humans are all wired differently, the guy you love, the guy you want to marry, well he got some f**ked up wiring. For him to ghost you is unforgivable, there can be no valid reason for him to disappear and not respond to your contact attempts, he is a selfish coward. As FemPink said, this is a guy that will use you as a human shield.

It sucks you purchased a house together, that will take some work to resolve, and it sucks you need to cancel the wedding, but it's better you deal with closure now then invest any more of your life with this punk.

Here's an honest statement from a real man and a father. This thread makes me angry as hell, I truly can't wrap me brain around him disappearing like this and leaving you in limbo, making you suffer like this. Fem_Lindsey I don't even know you but would still like to get my hands on your punk fiancee!
 
#16 ·
For a few months after I got engaged I would get nauseous whenever my fiancée was near me or called me up. I avoided her as much as possible. I got stoned and drunk before we were married because I was so nervous. I was only 20 years old, a college student with only part time jobs and it was scary to be responsible for another human being.

A year after we married a good friend of mine who recently got engaged, pulled me aside to ask me a question. He wanted to know if it was normal to feel sick when around his fiancée. I told him it was perfectly normal and I was the same. I assume not everyone gets like this but I know at least two of us who did and I suspect more of my friends felt the same but were embarrassed to say so.

So it could be very well that you make him feel sick. :)
 
#22 ·
We are both early 20's so he could be scared he has had commitment issues since he was cheated on. I don't know what I am going to do, I talked to his parents and they said they would talk to him and find out what in the hell is going on with him. And I understand everyone is wanting to end it with him and just kick him to the curb, But it is honestly so hard to think about that when I love him so much. I honestly grew to love him so incredibly badly. I guess I want to wait and see what his parents find out since they love me and were honestly very shocked and angry to hear what he had been doing. We also have two huskies that we just adopted about a month ago, and I do not want to give them up. Thank you all for the help and avice, it has been truly helpful. :) Just very depressed about this entire thing not being able to sleep at all just thinking about it all.
 
#26 ·
If you're early 20s, it's a good thing to find this now. I told my DD26 not to get married before 25 because the mind doesn't stop growing and changing until then, so even if you feel you know what you want at 22 or 24, things may change. Especially for guys, who mature more slowly. I told DD to just go out and have fun until you're graduated from university, and then start looking around for someone compatible, and that's worked out really well for her. She just got engaged and won't be getting married until 2018. By then, they'll have spent their 20s together without legal commitment, to make sure it's going to work out.

If you've been together since you were 17 or 18, you need to get out there and experience life and learn to be ok on your own. Maybe after a while like that, you two will realize you do belong together and you can get back together again.
 
#32 ·
Just to echo the other posters. End this now. He is showing you his true character. Disappearing for days and ignoring you - his fiancé - even when you show up at the friend's house to see him??

Epic fail.

Sell the house. Be glad you didn't make babies with him. Because what happens a few years down the road, and he again disappears for days at a time - and this time you have a baby or two at home?

He's telling you now who he is. Listen to him.
 
#42 ·
Hun, this happens more frequently than younger people know or realize.

There are multiple reasons: cold feet, fear, he was cheating on you the whole time, he just doesn't want to be married, he thought he was doing what other people wanted, he hasn't matured enough yet, he had a ONS, he hasn't figured out what he wants in life, he knows he has too much baggage to make a good husband, etc....

WHATEVER the reason, it honestly doesn't matter. The fact is, he's not ready. It sucks that he'd rather disappear than use his words to your face, but if anything it just shows even more that he's not mature enough for marriage if he can't communicate his truth to you.

Don't bother guessing or speculating. If he wants to tell you he'll tell you if and when he's ready.
I'd encourage you to get your ducks in a row, work out the most amicable solution, and let him go.

Did I read correctly that you bought a house together? If so, and I'm not having a go at you, IMO it's unwise to go into such a committed financial situation with a man who is not yet fully committed to you (married). That's a lesson I hope that you carry with you into the future. I don't mind if people don't even believe in marriage... I would not even suggest buying a house together without SOME kind of contract/agreement between the two people about what happens if they split up.

I honestly doubt this is some kind of "surprise." At least, not the pleasant kind.
 
#45 ·
The fact is, he's not ready. It sucks that he'd rather disappear than use his words to your face, but if anything it just shows even more that he's not mature enough for marriage if he can't communicate his truth to you.

Don't bother guessing or speculating. If he wants to tell you he'll tell you if and when he's ready.
I'd encourage you to get your ducks in a row, work out the most amicable solution, and let him go.
Reminds me of my cousin talking to her agitated 3 year old. After the child started on a tangent, the mother told her to "Use your words". Use your words, do not act out. See the similarities here?
Satya is right, he is not anywhere near mature. His mother knows that. She is trying to guide him on the right path. She has been doing that his whole life. Do not marry this man child.
 
#43 ·
It's hard to believe that his parents bought the 'surprise' bs. They may have concocted the story to spare your feelings and give them time to talk sense into him.

Say, he is working on a surprise for you. He can't just say "Love, I can't discuss it because it's a surprise"? Okay, the surprise may have required him to abandon you and his home but it does not require him to not speak to you. The only surprise worthy of this behavior would be a sex change operation.
 
#46 ·
My thoughts exactly. Don't trust his parents to have your back in this situation.

At this point all the parents - his and yours - will probably turn a blind eye to most bad behavior. The golden ring for them is seeing the kids get married at any and all costs. They wouldn't ignore physical abuse, they may or may not ignore infidelity and have you rug sweep it away. The rest they will tell you to ignore.
 
#49 ·
OP if you have mutual bank accounts you need to see if he has emptied them.This guy is not coming back and even if he does you should not reconcile with him.This talk about a surprise is just gaslighting and for your own sake you need to realise this.Both sets of parents will be pushing for the wedding to take place but it's you who will have to live the rest of your life with him.
 
#51 ·
On some things yes but some things like Honeymoon and the venue I will never get the money back from.

He actually called me tonight and we talked for a good few hours, He says he is getting cold feet and didn't want to scare me away and says he still loves me. I want to believe him but what he has done honestly scares me and broke my heart there for awhile. I understand the logical thing would still to call off the wedding and cut off the relationship but I honestly still love him so very much. I know it isn't supposed to be easy but this is so incredibly hard to deal with. Just keep thinking all good relationships go through some very rough times. But You guys advice also is ringing and staying with me. And Sorry to those who are calling me Naive ext. Just hard to ignore my feelings and love for someone whom I have spent four years with, Ya know?
 
#56 ·
"He says he is getting cold feet and didn't want to scare me away and says he still loves me."

He didn't want to scare you away? Then why did he do his best to do exactly that?

Says he still loves me - his actions did not show this.

He's had 4 years to call off this relationship. Don't be one of those people who are 'engaged' for ten years with 3 kids and a fiance who decides that isn't the life he envisioned and skips. He's either in or he's out of your life.
 
#57 ·
If you can postpone the wedding a few months to buy him time and keep your deposits, fine. But I don't think a few months will change much.

Losing your deposits is a small cost compared to marrying a man who doesn't want to be married, and far far cheaper than making babies with him.

If you can't get your money back, then take a girlfriend or two on the "honeymoon" and celebrate your new beginnings.

ETA - whether it was deposits or paid in full, same advice.
 
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