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post #1 of 31 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 04:34 AM Thread Starter
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Husband having conversations with lady on Words With Friends

Hi. I have a situation and I'm not sure if I am over reacting. My husband plays a game called words with friends. It's sort of like scrabble. Random opponents are picked for you, but after that you can restart games with them by choice. He's been playing a lot of games with a certain lady. There is an option to chat with your opponent during the game.

About a week ago before I went to bed, I saw him chatting with someone on the game, but didn't say anything and didn't let him see that I noticed (I was just walking by). A few nights after that, the same thing happened- this time the hair on my neck stood up because I could be mistaking, but I swear he closed the browser on purpose as soon as I walked by. Let me stop here and say this is extremely unusual behavior for my husband. Never once in our 7 years has he ever been "talking to another girl" or done anything that would even remotely make me question him or be jealous. It simply hasn't happened. This is one of the most trust worthy loyal men I have ever known. We have zero trust issues (until now I guess, but maybe I'm over reacting).

Back to the situation, this 2nd time I still pretended not to notice because at this point I decided I wanted to see who he was talking to. We don't have secret passwords or anything and the chats get stored in the game- you can't delete them.

I woke up in the middle of the night that night and opened words with friends and just as I suspected, the lady that he has been playing the game with every day- he has been chatting with her. This is so out of character for my husband. It blew my mind. The chat started by her saying "nice move!" a little over a week ago. And since then, they have been exchanging a few messages nightly that range from talking about the game, to her asking my husband where he is from, what he does for work,etc. There are also little things thrown in there that they say to eachother like when she played the word vodka- she messaged him saying "vodka, yes please!". She accidentally started two games at once and she messaged him saying "I can handle two at once if you can." The really upsetting things is that my husband has been going along with it big time. This is not all her initiating things. The first night (around the time I walked by actually!) his last message to her was "that was fun, looking forward to continuing tomorrow." He has also asked her all sorts of questions like where she's from, how many kids she has, what the weather is like where she is. They also make little what I view to be bonding comments after playing a word like "I saw that one coming! and he said "I couldn't resist!"

My heart sunk as I was reading all of this and honestly I couldn't believe it. I have never had any kind of problem or suspicion with him regarding anything like this in my marriage before. I was shocked beyond belief to see this exchange. I can't tell if I'm over reacting, but the way it made me feel makes me think that this can't be acceptable. My heart literally hurts right now. That being said, I would like opinions on if this is an acceptable and normal thing for a married man or if this is a problem.

I haven't addressed him yet and he has no idea that I know anything. I really feel sick over this. I've had issues with effort and communication from my husband in the past but he's never done anything like this before and the fact that he pursued this conversation with such enthusiasm puts a knot in my stomach. (Edited to remove that "I'm not sure he loves me anymore" because that was a bit dramatic as I was feeling emotional while writing this.)

Opinions please on if I am over reacting or this was off limits behavior.


Last edited by Some chick; 01-12-2017 at 05:01 AM.
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post #2 of 31 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 04:51 AM
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Re: Husband having conversations with lady on Words With Friends

Oh geez, it has nothing to do with him 'not loving you anymore.'

But it has everything to do with the excitement of a female 'friend' he's connecting with and keeping that chatting a secret from YOU. That's a huge red flag.

This is how these online 'romances' start - chatting within applications or games then bringing it to private email or personal cell phone and talking more privately in Skype or texting or phone calls, etc. He knows it's inappropriate because he's now closing down the browser window when you walk by. I read about his quite a bit on infidelity boards - it's pretty common.

It's always recommended you nip this stuff in the bud before it has a chance to blossom further. Problem is, you can confront him and tell him you know he's getting a little too friendly with his game partner and you want him to shut it down right now, but the chances of him actually doing that are about 50%. He'll probably agree to do it to appease you, but he might just get her contact information before they shut it down in the game. That wouldn't unusual and is more often the case than not.

But the longer you let these two bond over chat, the worse it's going to become.

Time to speak up.
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post #3 of 31 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 05:22 AM
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Re: Husband having conversations with lady on Words With Friends

I think it all depends on your husband's typical character - some people flirt with everybody. Personally I only do it if I know 100% that the person knows I'm not serious. Nothing you posted would be a problem, it seems like she's the flirtatious one. However, I personally wouldn't be hiding that from my wife - is have no problem with her reading it. Maybe he just knows how you'll react so he thinks it's better if you don't see it, or maybe it's more nefarious.

The bottom line: it's obviously bothering you, so just ask him about it (in a non accusatory way). You should be able to gauge from his reaction how he perceives it, and then take it from there. If he stays changing his passwords and stuff then you know something's up.
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post #4 of 31 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 05:32 AM
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Re: Husband having conversations with lady on Words With Friends

There are a few red flags here

1. He knows that he is stepping over boundaries if he is hiding by closing the browser
2. he is flirting and actively seeking her out - big red flag

Every couple is different but if it making your gut tumble and is hurting you then it is not appropriate behaviour by your H.
Dont let this go too far. Observe and actually catch him in the act. Walk up behind him, before he knows you are there and observe, then casually ask him who are you talking with.If he lies, tries to cover up, then you know he is guilty of inappropriate behavior, then call him out on it then and there. Do not let this slide.
The consequences have to be serious too. If he tries to minimise (he will) his actions, tell you that you are imagining things, that you are making a mountain out of a mole hill, etc. Tell him that you are sorry he feels that way but you feel that he is crossing boundaries that you feel uncomfortable with and if he is not willing to make amends you are moving out. Then go stay with your friends, family, etc. Be prepared to play hardball and follow through. If you whinge and cry and beg, he aint gonna listen.
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post #5 of 31 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 05:34 AM
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Re: Husband having conversations with lady on Words With Friends

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Originally Posted by Seppuku View Post
I think it all depends on your husband's typical character - some people flirt with everybody. Personally I only do it if I know 100% that the person knows I'm not serious. Nothing you posted would be a problem, it seems like she's the flirtatious one. However, I personally wouldn't be hiding that from my wife - is have no problem with her reading it. Maybe he just knows how you'll react so he thinks it's better if you don't see it, or maybe it's more nefarious.

The bottom line: it's obviously bothering you, so just ask him about it (in a non accusatory way). You should be able to gauge from his reaction how he perceives it, and then take it from there. If he stays changing his passwords and stuff then you know something's up.
Seppaku, as a matter of interest, how would you know that the person knows 100% you are not serious. That sounds like a load of bull. I think no person who is married has business flirting with anyone, it is hurtful to your spouse and asking for trouble.
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post #6 of 31 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 05:44 AM Thread Starter
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post #7 of 31 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 05:46 AM
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Re: Husband having conversations with lady on Words With Friends

Ask him if he wants to play the online game with you. If he says no then you will know that it is not the game itself that is of interest, it is the other woman.
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post #8 of 31 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 07:02 AM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by aine View Post
There are a few red flags here

1. He knows that he is stepping over boundaries if he is hiding by closing the browser
2. he is flirting and actively seeking her out - big red flag

Every couple is different but if it making your gut tumble and is hurting you then it is not appropriate behaviour by your H.
Dont let this go too far. Observe and actually catch him in the act. Walk up behind him, before he knows you are there and observe, then casually ask him who are you talking with.If he lies, tries to cover up, then you know he is guilty of inappropriate behavior, then call him out on it then and there. Do not let this slide.
The consequences have to be serious too. If he tries to minimise (he will) his actions, tell you that you are imagining things, that you are making a mountain out of a mole hill, etc. Tell him that you are sorry he feels that way but you feel that he is crossing boundaries that you feel uncomfortable with and if he is not willing to make amends you are moving out. Then go stay with your friends, family, etc. Be prepared to play hardball and follow through. If you whinge and cry and beg, he aint gonna listen.
Thank you for this spot on advice. I would have followed it, but there are new progressions. I typed this post before work and rushed out the door.

Once at work, I texted my husband "do you think it's acceptable behavior for a married man to be flirting with and getting to know another woman via chat?"

I guess he knew I was onto him and had read it because his response was "Flirting? If it was just a message board then no but it's a online game plus there's no flirting. But if it bothers you I will stop." My response "It was undoubtedly flirting on both ends and you sure were enthusiastic about keeping things going. More enthusiasm than I could or do ever get out of you. Nice that you enjoy chatting like that with a random girl after work yet I feel like anything I say after work annoys you and feel like I have to keep all convos quick."

I then said "By all means don't stop, you are doing what you want to do. And don't worry about the letter with your feelings that I said I wanted as our anniversary gift- I think I have a good idea now."

He said "Oh hunny, she is a fast player and that is what I like. I was listing hot wheels on ebay so that was my main attention, actually it was a little annoying" then he said "Oh shut up, you're crazy if you think I don't love you"

That was about 30 minutes ago and just now he texted "I love you babydoll. You are my world"

Should I just observe him and let it go at this point since he said he'd stop? I can't help but feel nauseous over the fact that he started to begin with. It makes me feel like crap. I can of course forgive this one time situation, but I just feel worried about the bigger picture now.

You give really good advice..what are your thoughts?
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post #9 of 31 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 07:47 AM
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Re: Husband having conversations with lady on Words With Friends

I would feel the same as you and I don't think you're over reacting at all.

Almost a year ago, my husband of 20 years started having similar behavior... he was playing a game app on his phone too, and chatting up other players...one in particular.

I thought it was silly... why chat with a stranger? It seemed innocent and harmless. I trusted him, even though he was protective of his phone, and increasingly obsessed with the game. I ignored my gut.

6 months after he discovered the game, I accidentally saw his chats. I wasn't looking for it, just swiped his screen to turn off the alarm and their chat was open on the screen. A very VERY inappropriate and sexually graphic chat. I was devastated.

He agreed to end it, but he still thinks I'm over reacting. That it's no big deal as they never met and had no plans to meet.

My advice is don't ignore your gut. It's not innocent if he's secretive. He knows he's crossing boundaries or he wouldn't hide it from you. He's enjoying the attention, and if it continues it will likely escalate. He may even seek out other chatting partners so he can chase the ego boost. My husband did.

I would be firm in letting him know you are uncomfortable with the chats. That regardless of whether he thinks you are over reacting or not, you are his wife and your feelings on the subject carry more weight. How would he feel if you were chatting or flirting with male players online?

Bottom line, these chats can escalate... and whether innocent or not (for now) your comfort and trust should matter more to him

Sorry you are here.



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post #10 of 31 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 08:11 AM
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Re: Husband having conversations with lady on Words With Friends

OUCH!!! You are questioning yourself and his intend, wanting to believe that this is something he is going along with and she is the one with all the lines. Lady, wake up and stop making excuses for your husband's behavior. He should NOT be doing this, he knows it is wrong, that is why he tried to hide it, he enjoys it and wants to be a part of it or he would stop. My ex was the same. Just because you feel like this is so out of character, could it be that he has done this before and you just so happen to catch this?

You need to address this with him, ask him why he started it and why he has continued, do not let him blame you. He needs to take accountability for his actions, this is not about you. You then need to tell him that you want him to stop playing this game, his behavior is unacceptable.

The vocabulary used in the game is all build up to a relationship and he is getting the thrill of having this stranger's attention. How would your husband feel if you were doing the same?

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post #11 of 31 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 08:19 AM
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Re: Husband having conversations with lady on Words With Friends

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Originally Posted by Some chick View Post
Thank you for this spot on advice. I would have followed it, but there are new progressions. I typed this post before work and rushed out the door.

Once at work, I texted my husband "do you think it's acceptable behavior for a married man to be flirting with and getting to know another woman via chat?"

I guess he knew I was onto him and had read it because his response was "Flirting? If it was just a message board then no but it's a online game plus there's no flirting. But if it bothers you I will stop." My response "It was undoubtedly flirting on both ends and you sure were enthusiastic about keeping things going. More enthusiasm than I could or do ever get out of you. Nice that you enjoy chatting like that with a random girl after work yet I feel like anything I say after work annoys you and feel like I have to keep all convos quick."

I then said "By all means don't stop, you are doing what you want to do. And don't worry about the letter with your feelings that I said I wanted as our anniversary gift- I think I have a good idea now."

He said "Oh hunny, she is a fast player and that is what I like. I was listing hot wheels on ebay so that was my main attention, actually it was a little annoying" then he said "Oh shut up, you're crazy if you think I don't love you"

That was about 30 minutes ago and just now he texted "I love you babydoll. You are my world"

Should I just observe him and let it go at this point since he said he'd stop? I can't help but feel nauseous over the fact that he started to begin with. It makes me feel like crap. I can of course forgive this one time situation, but I just feel worried about the bigger picture now.

You give really good advice..what are your thoughts?
He is trying his best to convince you this is nothing. He is working your head to make you feel like you are the crazy one here as it would just be silly for you to think you actually knew what you were talking about. My ex did the same, the other girls were always "nothing." He told me that he never intended to leave me for them but like you mentioned to your husband he was not interested in time or conversation with me yet was pursuing these other women for their time and attention. All to stroke his ego. I stayed with a man like this for 24 years and it was endless. I thought at one point with counseling that he finally had got it and was going to stop, and maybe he did for a time, but it wasn't long and he was right back to tricks and again I was at fault.

This is NOT about you, it is not silly, you are not making something out of nothing. This has crossed boundaries, this does create hurt and mistrust and he is loving it.
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post #12 of 31 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 09:17 AM
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Re: Husband having conversations with lady on Words With Friends

So now it's been addressed. Give him some distance on it and see if he picks back up with her. Find a time to look at his computer again, like when he's asleep in a couple days from now. If he's still in contact or if he's locked his computer, you'll have to have a come to Jesus meeting with him. He's free to do what he wants, as you said to him, but YOU are also free to enact some consequences. He needs to know that will happen. Logically, not emotionally.
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post #13 of 31 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 09:53 AM
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Re: Husband having conversations with lady on Words With Friends

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Originally Posted by Seppuku View Post
I think it all depends on your husband's typical character - some people flirt with everybody. Personally I only do it if I know 100% that the person knows I'm not serious. Nothing you posted would be a problem, it seems like she's the flirtatious one. However, I personally wouldn't be hiding that from my wife - is have no problem with her reading it. Maybe he just knows how you'll react so he thinks it's better if you don't see it, or maybe it's more nefarious.

The bottom line: it's obviously bothering you, so just ask him about it (in a non accusatory way). You should be able to gauge from his reaction how he perceives it, and then take it from there. If he stays changing his passwords and stuff then you know something's up.
Some of what you posted are true. But you are taking this too lightly. Her husband needs to grow up. He has a good loving wife. He does not need a wall built up between his wife and himself. The Mexicans will not pay for that wall. He will pay for it through his actions and disrespect. He has already laid the foundation for that wall. OP needs to confront him ASAP.
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post #14 of 31 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 10:23 AM
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Re: Husband having conversations with lady on Words With Friends

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Originally Posted by Some chick View Post
Thank you for this spot on advice. I would have followed it, but there are new progressions. I typed this post before work and rushed out the door.

Once at work, I texted my husband "do you think it's acceptable behavior for a married man to be flirting with and getting to know another woman via chat?"

I guess he knew I was onto him and had read it because his response was "Flirting? If it was just a message board then no but it's a online game plus there's no flirting. But if it bothers you I will stop." My response "It was undoubtedly flirting on both ends and you sure were enthusiastic about keeping things going. More enthusiasm than I could or do ever get out of you. Nice that you enjoy chatting like that with a random girl after work yet I feel like anything I say after work annoys you and feel like I have to keep all convos quick."

I then said "By all means don't stop, you are doing what you want to do. And don't worry about the letter with your feelings that I said I wanted as our anniversary gift- I think I have a good idea now."

He said "Oh hunny, she is a fast player and that is what I like. I was listing hot wheels on ebay so that was my main attention, actually it was a little annoying" then he said "Oh shut up, you're crazy if you think I don't love you"

That was about 30 minutes ago and just now he texted "I love you babydoll. You are my world"

Should I just observe him and let it go at this point since he said he'd stop? I can't help but feel nauseous over the fact that he started to begin with. It makes me feel like crap. I can of course forgive this one time situation, but I just feel worried about the bigger picture now.

You give really good advice..what are your thoughts?
I have dealt with a very similar situation that ended up with my wife sending nudies to him. It needs to be stopped and then the underlying questions of whether he feels like he is missing something needs to be addressed. However, I do not agree with your communication with him as it was more derisive and haughty than showing true feeling and open and honest. At this point, he isn't likely thinking this is cheating and/or does he realize he is on that path. I am not saying it isn't, and closing the app to hide it is a clear sign he is at least aware you wouldn't like it.

Quote:
Once at work, I texted my husband "do you think it's acceptable behavior for a married man to be flirting with and getting to know another woman via chat?"
This is very cold, which I am sure you are trying to not be emotional, but it dismisses true feeling. I'd go the route of..."How do you think it makes me feel when you are chatting with another woman, hiding it and making questionable comments? How would it make you feel?"

Quote:
I guess he knew I was onto him and had read it because his response was "Flirting? If it was just a message board then no but it's a online game plus there's no flirting. But if it bothers you I will stop." My response "It was undoubtedly flirting on both ends and you sure were enthusiastic about keeping things going. More enthusiasm than I could or do ever get out of you. Nice that you enjoy chatting like that with a random girl after work yet I feel like anything I say after work annoys you and feel like I have to keep all convos quick."
Your response made it about your relationship with him rather than the act that he was doing. You are now comparing and sounding "whiny". I am not saying it isn't true, but that is the sort of knee-jerk reaction people in these situations feel. Hell, it may be the reason he started chatting with her in the first place and now you are reinforcing it.

If I were you, my response would have been, "If it bothers me? Shouldn't it bother you? Shouldn't you be bothered that you feel the need to talk to someone else the way I wish we talked. That you hide these things from me? Don't you feel angry at yourself for anticipating your conversation with her? Of course it bothers me. It would certainly as heck bother you if I was doing that. But it's not about me, this is about you. I am much more concerned about the husband that I love and cherish feeling like he should be hiding things from me and having a personal relationship with a woman over a game.
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post #15 of 31 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 10:59 AM
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Re: Husband having conversations with lady on Words With Friends

I agree, the tone will need to be more even-keeled if you expect him to participate with you on this. If you back him into a corner, he'll feel he has no choice but to brush you off. Position it as saving the team, the marriage.
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