A huge problem... need advice please!
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Old 10-16-2007, 07:52 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default A huge problem... need advice please!

I dont know how in depth I should go, but here is the basic problem I have run into. My fiancee has just started going back to a university for school and the Army ROTC. She has very controlling parents, that still control her even at the age of twenty. So what has been happening is she is swamped with school work, she has obligations to the Army, and on top of that, her parents have been telling her they dont like me. She doesnt see where they get this idea from, and her mother said that if I just call and appologize, it would help. I am working on that currently, but we both are baffled at what I must "appologize" for. What this has all caused is a stress on her because her family doesnt like me. She has now gotten very depressed and has started questioning whether she even makes me happy, and no matter how much I tell her she does, she just wont listen. She says that I am not supporting her, when i am trying everything I can to allieviate some of the stress. The problem is, I have become depressed myself because she says she will do something and hardly ever follows through. I know she is busy, but when I see her following through for everything else and leaving me out, well you get the picture. I dont know what to do, she is starting to get worse, having suicidal thoughts, and trying to avoid me... Any advice and thoughts are appreciated!

~Thanks,
Riftwind
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Old 10-16-2007, 11:00 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: A huge problem... need advice please!

First let's break down the multiple problems.

1) My fiancee has just started going back to a university for school and the Army ROTC
I get the feeling after reading this as a whole this is causing you some stress and some jealously issues. What do you do, how old are you?

2) She has very controlling parents
A common problem. The major bone here is does she see them as controlling and does it bother her. If it does then she needs to show more independence or more of a back bone.
3) So what has been happening is she is swamped with school work, she has obligations to the Army
Good for her. How involved are you with her life. How supportive are you and what else can you do? I would be stressed with college work and ROTC too.
4) her parents have been telling her they dont like me.
Not a lot you can do here but show them that you are a great guy. Do something special for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Maybe even fixing them a meal or making them special guests. How long have you been engaged? Have they met your parents?
5) her mother said that if I just call and appologize, it would help
So call and give a general apology, or send a card. Better yet sit down with the father and ask him. Be sincere because you have already upset them.
6) She has now gotten very depressed and has started questioning whether she even makes me happy
Of course look at all she is juggling and she has to balance a boy friend as well?
7) She says that I am not supporting her
Be MORE involved in her life. She is facing the hardest part of her life and needs you to be there to blow off steam, and support her. This is not lipservice you need to be asking every day how was work, school, ROTC. Then you need to be making her life better. Listen to her. Be a part of her life. My wife went back to school after many years. I studied with her. Became involved so much I thought I was learning this stuff. You need to take her life seriously.
8) when i am trying everything I can to allieviate some of the stress
It appears not, don't look at it from your view but rather hers. What small piece are you missing?
9) she says she will do something and hardly ever follows through.
Maybe because of how she feels about you to her OR because she loves and trusts you so much that if she has to dump on someone she knows that you would be hurt less.
10) I see her following through for everything else and leaving me out
Jealous?
11) she is starting to get worse, having suicidal thoughts
Has she told you this? A cry for help? Maybe a wake up call?

I think you are missing big pieces here and leaving much out. Be honest this is the internet.

draconis
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