Too early to be this unhappy at 6mths - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 18 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 02:55 PM Thread Starter
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Unhappy Too early to be this unhappy at 6mths

Hey all,
New to the group. Let me get right into it. I have been dating a man for the past 6mths. I am 31, 4 kids. Him 40, 2 kids. We live an hour from eachother, but I work in the same town as him. He came on really strong in the beginning. Talked about marriage, wanting to be with me, calling all the time, spending tons of time. As of late we have both been super busy with work, travel etc. We did spend Thanksgiving together with the kids in CO, then planned to spend X-mas in STL with all of us. Needless to say we had been snappy with eachother lately. Primarily due to the stresses of everything. I have been extra so due to lack of time & him backing off from how he was in the beginning. He broke up with me, then we got back together right before the holiday. Ended up going to STL with the kids & it was horrible. I couldn't get over the events that led up to us not spending as much time together was to get us on track before we put all of us together. He said I was explosive, snapping at the kids. I kept mentioning stuff to them like keeping seat belts on in the car. Safety stuff, mind you I never yelled or anything. So not great evening & the next morning he informs me that him & his two kids had gotten another room in a different hotel. I was obviously upset, we had driven down there together. I was 5 hours from home with my 5 kids. He stated we would spend time together, they would just be sleeping somewhere else. We didn't spend time together because I was just distraught over this. He did drive us back home at the end of the trip. Fast forward & we got back together, but it's different. No talks of marriage, progressing things, etc. Rarely calls when his kids are there, usually only does when he runs out of the house for a few minutes. I'm just not sure what I need to do. I feel almost cheated & maybe he is just passing time with me. I love this man, but not sure if I am being a fool. He still says I am the love of his life, but I wonder if he is being legit, if he's spending time with someone else since he's not spending as much time with him (he says it isn't), but when he has his kids he'll be on FB messenger all day & making posts & talking to people (I can see them).

What to do?

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post #2 of 18 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 03:08 PM
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Too early to be this unhappy at 6mths

Date someone else.

Last edited by blueinbr; 01-15-2017 at 03:22 PM.
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post #3 of 18 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 03:11 PM
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Re: Too early to be this unhappy at 6mths

Dating is a test, this test failed. The signs of impending breakup are clear, one of you just needs to say it out loud.
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post #4 of 18 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 03:20 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Too early to be this unhappy at 6mths

@blueinbr that would be really simple except I really believe this man does love me & I love him. Plus at this point we've not brought kids into the situation. Even though it has only been 6 months it feels much longer than that. I am not the type to move to next situation to the next. Think there's anyway to salvage?
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post #5 of 18 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 03:22 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Too early to be this unhappy at 6mths

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cooper View Post
Dating is a test, this test failed. The signs of impending breakup are clear, one of you just needs to say it out loud.
Cooper I feel like that, but still hopeful. I am not sure what I did wrong or what to do to make it better. We spent new years together alone, he came down here one day after for a few hours then went home. He calls everyday, just not when kids around. I am just hurt & heartbroken. Not sure why he is now pulling away?
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post #6 of 18 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 03:24 PM
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Too early to be this unhappy at 6mths

Forgive this question but have you been to his house?

Btw, you can love someone and it still doesn't work. You do understand that love is not enough. Even though it is very important.

You can love someone and still not be compatible.

If it was me i would have moved mountains to stay at some hotel as you. That is very very telling.

Remember this is the time he should be at his best. It only gets worse after marriage.
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post #7 of 18 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 03:49 PM
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Re: Too early to be this unhappy at 6mths

Quote:
Originally Posted by NaturallyShesDope View Post
Hey all,
New to the group. Let me get right into it. I have been dating a man for the past 6mths. I am 31, 4 kids. Him 40, 2 kids. We live an hour from eachother, but I work in the same town as him. He came on really strong in the beginning. Talked about marriage, wanting to be with me, calling all the time, spending tons of time. As of late we have both been super busy with work, travel etc. We did spend Thanksgiving together with the kids in CO, then planned to spend X-mas in STL with all of us. Needless to say we had been snappy with eachother lately. Primarily due to the stresses of everything. I have been extra so due to lack of time & him backing off from how he was in the beginning. He broke up with me, then we got back together right before the holiday. Ended up going to STL with the kids & it was horrible. I couldn't get over the events that led up to us not spending as much time together was to get us on track before we put all of us together. He said I was explosive, snapping at the kids. I kept mentioning stuff to them like keeping seat belts on in the car. Safety stuff, mind you I never yelled or anything. So not great evening & the next morning he informs me that him & his two kids had gotten another room in a different hotel. I was obviously upset, we had driven down there together. I was 5 hours from home with my 5 kids. He stated we would spend time together, they would just be sleeping somewhere else. We didn't spend time together because I was just distraught over this. He did drive us back home at the end of the trip. Fast forward & we got back together, but it's different. No talks of marriage, progressing things, etc. Rarely calls when his kids are there, usually only does when he runs out of the house for a few minutes. I'm just not sure what I need to do. I feel almost cheated & maybe he is just passing time with me. I love this man, but not sure if I am being a fool. He still says I am the love of his life, but I wonder if he is being legit, if he's spending time with someone else since he's not spending as much time with him (he says it isn't), but when he has his kids he'll be on FB messenger all day & making posts & talking to people (I can see them).

What to do?
Conform your expectations to reality. You are experiencing real problems to be addressed. In a normal relationship (long term) this would involve effort on the part of both individuals. If you guys can't make it work while dating, expect it to be worse when living under one roof. Keep in mind that individuals can fall in love with the wrong person quite easily. He could be the wrong guy or it might be the wrong time for one or both of you to be getting into a serious relationship.
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post #8 of 18 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 03:49 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Too early to be this unhappy at 6mths

@blueinbr I so agree. There was plenty of rooms at the hotel we were at. He used Priceline & the pick your price tool made it be another hotel. What bothered me was the fact he never asked him, he just did it, & told me after.

Yes I have been to his house multiple times 30+ times or more. He's been here less. Mostly because I value the time alone & my kids are always with me, he only has kids on everyother weekend & then once during the week.

You are so right love isn't enough. I am just at a loss. If you have no intention of actually being with that person forever, then why make mention of things like marriage, blending families, etc to them. Mind you I have never brought these things up to him ever.

We have moved on and gotten together but I just feel there is this large elephant in the room. He doesn't like conflict & me I don't mind it if it's productive. So instead I just stay quiet & pretend everything is cool when it really isn't. Ugh
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post #9 of 18 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 03:54 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Too early to be this unhappy at 6mths

@Relationshipteacher. I appreciate your response. I am also struggling with the piece of him only moving his kids & him to the other hotel. Keep in the mind the evening was bad, but what I mean by bad is. I had an attitude, was tired, barely spoke, wanted to sleep but kids all over the bed, never yelled, cussed, nothing. I told him if the goal is to blend this family then why only move him & his kids. He stated he would have taken all the kids since he just wanted me to get some sleep, which is a lie. I felt abandoned by this action & experienced this same thing with my son's father. Just don't know how to have this conversation with him & have him not accuse me of being 'explosive'. (this was the word he used during trip, he later corrected it and said I was just being short)
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post #10 of 18 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 03:55 PM
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Re: Too early to be this unhappy at 6mths

Moderator note:

I've deleted your other thread on this topic because it was a duplicate and had no responses.

In the future please stick to one thread per topic.

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post #11 of 18 (permalink) Old 01-16-2017, 04:29 AM
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Re: Too early to be this unhappy at 6mths

I'm getting the distinct impression that all your kids - and the constant drama, noise and chaos that inevitably comes with 4 kids - is just way too much for this guy and his two to handle. The change in your mood - constantly having to bark orders at all these kids and keep them in line - is probably also unpleasant for them and you don't have to be yelling in order for it to be uncomfortable to be around. I mean, when they're moving out of a hotel into another one down the street just to avoid being near you and your kids, the writing is on the wall. I suspect his kids also play a large part in having no desire to be 'blended' with yours. But I don't think he wants to admit that to you.

I think maybe at one point it was his intention to marry you and have a Brady Bunch 6 kid blended situation, but the reality of actually being together with all of them and not just talking about it kind of sealed the deal for him. It's just too overwhelming and he no longer sees it as a desirable future possibility.

Quote:
He stated he would have taken all the kids since he just wanted me to get some sleep, which is a lie.
Of course it was. They just wanted to escape.

I think the best you can ever expect with him at this point is casual dating. Sorry.
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post #12 of 18 (permalink) Old 01-16-2017, 05:07 AM
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Re: Too early to be this unhappy at 6mths

It might be that his children resent losing their dad to four other children?

Also if he marries again then their dream of mom and dad getting back together is ruined.

Or maybe your children are too much for them to cope with?

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post #13 of 18 (permalink) Old 01-16-2017, 06:09 AM
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Re: Too early to be this unhappy at 6mths

For a man to go on vacation with someone and then move himself (and kids) to another hotel is a very telling sign he feels he made a mistake. As someone else said, at that point they just wanted to escape the drama. OP in your mind maybe it was just typical frazzled mother vs. kids scenario, but obliviously in his mind it was way over the top or he wouldn't have relocated.

Regardless of how well you two get along without kids the end result of a long term relationship will be a blended family, I imagine he's backing off now because he realizes things aren't coming together as he hoped. He may love you, you may love him, but if blending the families results in tension and drama it very easily ends up a relationship killer.

Understand you can claim unusual stress and apologize profusely, sadly that will do no good, he now has a different view of you, what he saw happening made him change hotels, that's a "holy **** what did I get myself into" desperate escape. I doubt he will ever want to go thru that again.
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post #14 of 18 (permalink) Old 01-16-2017, 06:54 AM
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Re: Too early to be this unhappy at 6mths

@NaturallyShesDope
In your OP, you made these comments:
I am 31, 4 kids
Ended up going to STL with the kids
I was 5 hours from home with my 5 kids

In another post, you said this:
Plus at this point we've not brought kids into the situation

Can you explain please?

Last edited by Síocháin; 01-16-2017 at 07:08 AM.
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post #15 of 18 (permalink) Old 01-16-2017, 12:42 PM
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Re: Too early to be this unhappy at 6mths

A relationship should not be so much work. You and he both should be so happy when you get to see each other that there will be no room for anger and divisiveness. I think perhaps you may be pushing this just a little too hard. At 6 months, with these kinds of issues, I don't see this lasting.

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