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Question about wife and work related friends

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#1 ·
My wife and I have been married three years, together five. I consider our marriage strong, and yes, I am a worrier. She works for a large company and works from home frequently. Yesterday I was home and I saw some of her work related chats on the screen. She didn't seem to mind that I saw. She chats with a lot of guys from her work, about work related stuff. But there's one guy that she chats with mostly about stuff that doesn't have to do with work. This guy flirts with her, calling her pretty, saying he likes her. He knows that she's married. I've asked her if I have anything to worry about with this guy and she says no - she says he's skinny with a long beard and bald which she says is not her type. She thinks I'm being silly by being concerned. I haven't seen her come right out and flirt back with him in her chats, but couldn't the fact that she's chatting with him in the first place be considered flirting?

My question is, do you think she's chatting with this guy because there's something she's not getting from me? Is it normal to chat with members of the opposite sex at work like this?
 
#3 ·
I agree, I'd like to see an example of the chat dialogue. You said she's not responding in kind. There are some guys that just won't take a freaking hint, and that's just the way that they are... and it may be easier for her to just put up with it, than make a stink with HR. Offices can be political, and she may just be trying to play nice and not rock the boat.
 
#12 ·
I have a feeling she enjoys the attention. I know she loves being flirted with, for other people to tell her she's pretty. I guess all women do.

But here's an example of one chat I saw with her sister-in-law:

SIL: Hey girl. A guy at Chili's was asking about you today. He said "Where's [Name]?"
Wife: Was he cute? Ha Ha Just Kidding
SIL: Kinda
SIL: Okay he is
Nothing there but personally my ears would perk from the cute comment. I may snoop a little bit but thats comming from someone getting burnt twice so grain of salt needed.

Does she work at Chili's?
 
#7 ·
I'd advise you not to play ostrich. If he was her type you really think she would tell you that.

And stop making excuses for her about liking attention. millions of women like attention and do not start to get inappropriate with work colleagues. I suggest you say nothing as long as you have access to her communications but i sure would not make believe bits not happening

you might want to get her the book "Not Just Friends" and if she reads it you will see how she reacts. The workplace is now the incubator of more affairs than anywhere else, and they are the hardest to detect and hardest to stop. i would not forget that
 
#8 ·
I might be totally wrong here, but just from that chat alone, I can't really see anything remotely resembling the nature of a smoking gun!
 
#9 ·
This will give an idea of why we need a chat dialogue: I have men who will email me for work and call me sweetie, beautiful, ect. I will typically just pretend they said nothing. Example:

Collegue: Hi, beautiful. I wanted to let you know that the accountant will be by tomorrow to bring you the reports you need.
Me: Thanks
**end**

If someone gets particularly flirty I mention my husband and kids but I typically do not say "Leave me alone, as I am MARRIED!". Mainly because I am the ED and marketing is very important to me.
 
#42 ·
Here’s what happens if you ignore this instead of shutting down this type of disrespectful behavior immediately. Some people will assume your passivity as a form of consent to go further and it will then escalate to asking for “favors”, flirting, touching, etc. I have seen it happen many times in my 35+ year career. Both genders do this kind of crap ... it's called manipulation.

You don’t have to get aggressive to shut it down, all you have to say is “let’s keep our communication professional”. IMO, any person who calls me sweetie, honey, beautiful (etc.) in the work place is being inappropriate and disrespectful, period. I have a name, use it.

OP, you should require your wife to assertively shut down this type of communication with coworkers.
 
#10 ·
I think an important place to start is communicate with your wife. Regardless of whether or not the emails/texts responses from your wife are inappropriate or not, if the emails/texts from this co-worker are making you feel uncomfortable and you feel they are crossing boundaries than your feelings should be relayed to your wife.

Anybody that is flirting with your wife isn't respecting your marriage and is therefor a threat to it. I'm not saying that you're wife is doing anything wrong and do not go into attack mode because it will blow up in your face but you should as respectfully as possible share your feelings on this with your wife.

Many an affair has been started by a co worker grooming a perfectly content and loyal spouse with "innocent" flirting and compliments. Then one day after a particularly bad argument, your spouse is hearing all about how he would treat her better and yadda, yadda, yadda. We all know h the rest plays out.
 
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#14 ·
My wife and I have been married three years, together five. I consider our marriage strong, and yes, I am a worrier. She works for a large company and works from home frequently. Yesterday I was home and I saw some of her work related chats on the screen. She didn't seem to mind that I saw. She chats with a lot of guys from her work, about work related stuff. But there's one guy that she chats with mostly about stuff that doesn't have to do with work. This guy flirts with her, calling her pretty, saying he likes her. He knows that she's married. I've asked her if I have anything to worry about with this guy and she says no - she says he's skinny with a long beard and bald which she says is not her type. She thinks I'm being silly by being concerned. I haven't seen her come right out and flirt back with him in her chats, but couldn't the fact that she's chatting with him in the first place be considered flirting?

My question is, do you think she's chatting with this guy because there's something she's not getting from me? Is it normal to chat with members of the opposite sex at work like this?
Not sure why anyone needs to see the chat log. It is bold above. This is not appropriate in the working environment.

Your W is probably eating it up. But all the same will tell you you're being silly. She has no concern for your concern.

You want to become flirty with your W while she is at work. Start texting her.
 
#19 ·
I've asked her if I have anything to worry about with this guy and she says no - she says he's skinny with a long beard and bald which she says is not her type.
Wrong answer. What happens when a cleanshaven stocky guy with a full head of hair comes along?
 
#24 ·
I've asked her if I have anything to worry about with this guy and she says no - she says he's skinny with a long beard and bald which she says is not her type. She thinks I'm being silly by being concerned.
I'm a betrayed husband and spend time reading & participating in the infidelity forum here at this site. One of the many things I've learned is that very often the other guy(s) the wife chooses to bed are not nearly as attractive as their husband. They call it "affairing down". In no way do the physical attributes of some guy disqualify him from being her affair partner.

I haven't seen her come right out and flirt back with him in her chats, but couldn't the fact that she's chatting with him in the first place be considered flirting?
There are endless ways to text/sext without leaving a trail...

My question is, do you think she's chatting with this guy because there's something she's not getting from me? Is it normal to chat with members of the opposite sex at work like this?
If it's the external validation of her attractiveness that she's looking for there is no way you can provide it. By definition she has to get it from other men.
 
#25 ·
I'm a betrayed husband and spend time reading & participating in the infidelity forum here at this site. One of the many things I've learned is that very often the other guy(s) the wife chooses to bed are not nearly as attractive as their husband. They call it "affairing down". In no way do the physical attributes of some guy disqualify him from being her affair partner.



There are endless ways to text/sext without leaving a trail...



If it's the external validation of her attractiveness that she's looking for there is no way you can provide it. By definition she has to get it from other men.
Then I'm screwed, basically. I could tell her that her talking with this guy makes me feel threatened but she would probably tell me I have nothing to worry about. And if it continues there's no telling how far it will go. I guess I'd better find a divorce attorney and keep their number handy. This sux. My ex-wife cheated on me when she left and now it seems like it's inevitable to happen again.
 
#27 ·
I just spoke with my W via text and told her I wanted to go to counseling. She said that was fine and didn't even bother asking me why I wanted to go. So I told her I was having feelings of depression and worrying about things constantly. She said she didn't know I was depressed and said she thought I was doing good.

Geez, would it have killed her to ask why I want to go to counseling? She's working from home today and all I can picture in my mind is her chatting online with this other guy. Who knows what they're talking about. How dumb I am? Him hitting on her more? This is driving me nuts and I don't know how to deal with it besides go to counseling.
 
#30 ·
She's willing to go to counseling. That's a good thing. You asked he in the middle of her work day, and it probably wasn't a good time for her to delve into the question of why. You can have a more in depth discussion of why at a more appropriate time.
 
#32 ·
Talking about this guy to your wife (at this point)

Asking her IF you should be worried

Telling her you're depressed and constantly worried

All of these scream SCREAM weakness, lack of confidence, clingyness, fear, etc.

Is this really what you want your wife to see? Is this the man you want to be? Do you...even for a second...think women find this attractive?
 
#34 ·
So what's the solution here? Play it cool and act like nothing is wrong until I get a 'Dear John' letter or she comes to me and tells me "We need to talk"...? And I guess I am a little desperate. I'm madly in love with my wife and don't want to lose her. If I do, it will be the second time a marriage has failed with me. I won't survive going through this a second time.
 
#41 ·
Canada, your like the man who sees someone strike a match and immediately calls the fire department.....what you first need to do is calm down and keep your emotions under control....remember the old commercial...never let them see you sweat...please keep from breaking down in front of her...I suggest individual couceling first.
 
#49 ·
@CanadaDry..FYI...This JUST got posted


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/364154-success-story-thank-you.html


Success Story - Thank You!
Thank you, all of you, who regularly peruse the TAM forums helping lost, broken strangers like me. Four years have passed since you all helped me start to not only fix my marriage, but more importantly helped me find my manhood again!

My long story can be found here... 'Short-Term' Text Flirting - Talk About Marriage

I'm happy to report that four years later my marriage is better than it ever was. At the risk of sounding sexist, I can honestly say the single biggest factor for where my wife and I are today is me being a MAN. Being a ****, wishy-washy, a doormat, etc. as a way of keeping your wife happy and faithful does not work. Setting boundaries, leading the family, surprising your wife, staying physically and mentally strong, all while treating her with respect and love DO work.

There's a lot more I could say, and many of those who helped me may not even be around here anymore, but I just wanted to stop by quick to say thanks. I'm 180 degrees different than I was four years ago, and my marriage cannot thank you enough.

Take care!
 
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#51 ·
OP don't act like you're depressed around her. Very unattractive.! Do you other thing is you need to become James Bond and I would do surveillance on your wife I would go through all her stuff. Emails, text, any media that is a two way communication chat Apps, whatever else you can go through. Her phone records check your phone bill records. I take it you have access to that right.? You might even want to place a VAR Some where in the office, and in her car because the car is where they feel like they can say anything to anybody without being heard. "Be advised" do not under any circumstance let her find those recorders. Your marriage will be over with.! you need to act the same, you cannot let her on your suspicions, you need to be upbeat and cheerful. Fake it till you make it. Something else you can do is start reading "No more Mr. nice guy" and if you other books that people could point out to read.
 
#52 ·
It sounds like counseling will potentially help both of you. Mention the conversation with the SIL and the conversations with the guy at work. Although insecurity can turn women off, if you let this stew for too long it will end up significantly impacting your marriage.

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk
 
#53 ·
@CanadaDry,

So here's what I see. Your wife talks with several of her co-workers, who happen to be of the male gender, about work topics. She leaves the screen open for you to see, so she's not hiding or excluding you. She also speaks to one male person about topics OTHER than work topics. This makes you uncomfortable because you are "a worrier" and from your own admission you experience a trigger just thinking about her chatting with this person even though you don't even know if she really is!

In fact, reviewing all of your posts, the one bit of chatting you did show us was between your wife and her SISTER-IN-LAW (another female person), not this supposedly flirty other male person.

So at this time we have no hard facts or examples of flirty things she says to the male person. We don't even know if she does or does not talk to this male person while you worry. All we know is that you are freaking out and essentially experiencing PTSD triggering maybe from the past betrayal of your ex. It seems as if you are hyper-vigilant and very sensitive about being betrayed again, and thus have possibly projected onto your wife.

And yet, with all this said, all the worry and chatting and "wife/sis-in-law" talking and flirty and freaking out--through all that you've never spoken out loud to your wife. She very likely has no clue all this is going on inside your head, and thus has no clue you are worried, upset, scared, jealous or anything!

So here's my thought:

1) recognize that some of this is you having a PTSD anxiety attack about this topic--thus she can't "fix you" but you will need to address yourself.
2) recognize that it is reasonable for someone to jealously want to keep their spouse exclusively to themselves--thus give yourself permission to want to keep your wife's affections!
3) recognize that she may not have any idea all this is going on in your head--thus, tell her....out loud...using words.
4) recognize that when you tell her what is going on, it is healthy to tell her what you think and what you feel, and then to make a request
 
#60 ·
@CanadaDry,

So here's what I see. Your wife talks with several of her co-workers, who happen to be of the male gender, about work topics. She leaves the screen open for you to see, so she's not hiding or excluding you. She also speaks to one male person about topics OTHER than work topics. This makes you uncomfortable because you are "a worrier" and from your own admission you experience a trigger just thinking about her chatting with this person even though you don't even know if she really is!

In fact, reviewing all of your posts, the one bit of chatting you did show us was between your wife and her SISTER-IN-LAW (another female person), not this supposedly flirty other male person.

So at this time we have no hard facts or examples of flirty things she says to the male person. We don't even know if she does or does not talk to this male person while you worry. All we know is that you are freaking out and essentially experiencing PTSD triggering maybe from the past betrayal of your ex. It seems as if you are hyper-vigilant and very sensitive about being betrayed again, and thus have possibly projected onto your wife.

And yet, with all this said, all the worry and chatting and "wife/sis-in-law" talking and flirty and freaking out--through all that you've never spoken out loud to your wife. She very likely has no clue all this is going on inside your head, and thus has no clue you are worried, upset, scared, jealous or anything!

Yes! All this.

And when you are telling her, pull her damn close and hard. Look her, alive in the eye. Tell her that you love her like there is no tomorrow. Kiss her lips, softly, on and off, as you do your "Splainin".
Tell her that you married her for life. That you will stand guard over her forever and with YOUR life.

So here's my thought:

1) recognize that some of this is you having a PTSD anxiety attack about this topic--thus she can't "fix you" but you will need to address yourself.
2) recognize that it is reasonable for someone to jealously want to keep their spouse exclusively to themselves--thus give yourself permission to want to keep your wife's affections!
3) recognize that she may not have any idea all this is going on in your head--thus, tell her....out loud...using words.
4) recognize that when you tell her what is going on, it is healthy to tell her what you think and what you feel, and then to make a request
 
#59 ·
CanadaDry,

There is nothing stupid about your concerns almost all scheming OM "harmlessly flirt" as a means to establish a basis for an affair and to begin to emotionally separate your W from you.

Eventually the conversations will become more and more explicit, and the OM will try and engage your W in conversations about how bad both of their relationships are. The classic "my wife doesn't understand me line"

You need to save off the chats your W has with this guy so you can send them to this guys girl friend or SO when the time comes.

What is your Ws work relationship with this OM is he a boss or is she his boss?

Tamat
 
#61 ·
Here's your problem. Tell her to stop texting the one flirty guy. She let's you see the logs which is fine. Yet, there is one guy which makes you feel uncomfortable. You have let this one guy permeate into all of your wife's interactions to the point you are getting depressed. This isn't her fault, it is all on you. If SIL= Sister in law, why does their conversation bother you? I know we have a few super moral people who NEVER EVER talk about the attractiveness of the other sex, but quite a few men and women do. They joked about someone being cute and SHE LET YOU SEE THE TEXT.

Let me add one thing, while you are acting jealous, don't let that confuse your issue with the flirty texter sending inappropriate comments. It is FINE to shut that crap down, even if it is a comment he uses regularly.
 
#63 ·
Well, here's an update. My W and I sat down and we talked about it. I told her how his flirtations made me feel uneasy. She said she understood and that she has already set boundaries with this guy. Apparently at one time he was saying some things that went beyond flirting. She said she shut him down. She also reassured me that there's nothing to worry about and that she would never leave me. So I'm satisfied with that answer. Now I hope I can look objectively and rationally at the next situation that comes up to make me worry so. Every marriage has their trials. My troubles are rooted in my failed marriage and this board has helped me to see that. Thanks for the responses, all.
 
#64 ·
Did she show you the messages where she shut him down? I'm just curious, not pointing fingers or anything.

Your wife sounds like a good woman. And a good, loyal woman will see through some jack-off who's testing the waters.

You still might want to go to IC on your own to work through some of the baggage you're still carrying around from your previous marriage.
 
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