Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.

The Art of Not being Offended....

4K views 10 replies 10 participants last post by  Ayan 
#1 ·
I stumbled upon this article in my search for other links relating to things I was posting about...

I loved this, this is generally how I THINK when others say hurtful things, most especially strangers -many times it has absolutely nothing to do with us -of coarse sometimes it might -if we contributed to their irritation -so we have to have wisdom... just wanted to share this.


The Art of Not Being Offended...

There is an ancient and well-kept secret to happiness which the Great Ones have known for centuries. They rarely talk about it, but they use it all the time, and it is fundamental to good mental health. This secret is called The Fine Art of Not Being Offended. In order to truly be a master of this art, one must be able to see that every statement, action and reaction of another human being is the sum result of their total life experience to date. In other words, the majority of people in our world say and do what they do from their own set of fears, conclusions, defenses and attempts to survive. Most of it, even when aimed directly at us, has nothing to do with us. Usually, it has more to do with all the other times, and in particular the first few times, that this person experienced a similar situation, usually when they were young.

Yes, this is psychodynamic. But let’s face it, we live in a world where psychodynamics are what make the world go around. An individual who wishes to live successfully in the world as a spiritual person really needs to understand that psychology is as spiritual as prayer. In fact, the word psychology literally means the study of the soul.

All of that said, almost nothing is personal. Even with our closest loved ones, our beloved partners, our children and our friends. We are all swimming in the projections and filters of each other’s life experiences and often we are just the stand-ins, the chess pieces of life to which our loved ones have their own built-in reactions. This is not to dehumanize life or take away the intimacy from our relationships, but mainly for us to know that almost every time we get offended, we are actually just in a misunderstanding. A true embodiment of this idea actually allows for more intimacy and less suffering throughout all of our relationships. When we know that we are just the one who happens to be standing in the right place at the right psychodynamic time for someone to say or do what they are doing—we don’t have to take life personally. If it weren’t us, it would likely be someone else.

This frees us to be a little more detached from the reactions of people around us. How often do we react to a statement of another by being offended rather than seeing that the other might actually be hurting? In fact, every time we get offended, it is actually an opportunity to extend kindness to one who may be suffering—even if they themselves do not appear that way on the surface. All anger, all acting out, all harshness, all criticism, is in truth a form of suffering. When we provide no Velcro for it to stick, something changes in the world. We do not even have to say a thing. In fact, it is usually better not to say a thing. People who are suffering on the inside, but not showing it on the outside, are usually not keen on someone pointing out to them that they are suffering. We do not have to be our loved one’s therapist. We need only understand the situation and move on. In the least, we ourselves experience less suffering and at best, we have a chance to make the world a better place.

This is also not to be confused with allowing ourselves to be hurt, neglected or taken advantage of. True compassion does not allow harm to ourselves either. But when we know that nothing is personal, a magical thing happens. Many of the seeming abusers of the world start to leave our lives. Once we are conscious, so-called abuse can only happen if we believe what the other is saying. When we know nothing is personal, we also do not end up feeling abused. We can say, “Thank you for sharing,” and move on. We are not hooked by what another does or says, since we know it is not about us. When we know that our inherent worth is not determined by what another says, does or believes, we can take the world a little less seriously. And if necessary, we can just walk away without creating more misery for ourselves or having to convince the other person that we are good and worthy people.

The great challenge of our world is to live a life of contentment, regardless of what other people do, say, think or believe. The fine art of not being offended is one of the many skills for being a practical mystic. Though it may take a lifetime of practice, it is truly one of the best kept secrets for living a happy life.
Lightworks - The Monthly Aspectarian March, 2005
 
#6 ·
I often will tell the offending person calmly that their statement says more about them than myself. Maybe they are wrongly commenting about another. But it is very true that some assumptions folks make about others may or may not be wise, but rather an indictment of themselves. I do not think this is an absolute by any means. Sometimes peoples comments have much truth in them even if they are cutting. That said it does not mean that they are wise or kind to verbalize things in an abusive way.

Moreover, many seemingly contradictory views can co-exist and all be valid. I am not talking perception is reality here. I am saying that the perception may actually be fully truthful. Just not the only valid truth.

Good thread.
 
#8 ·
I often will tell the offending person calmly that their statement says more about them than myself.
Ha ha , you are a bold one, I often THINK THIS for sure ...but I don't outright tell them that, even in calmness that might not go over so well.

I do not think this is an absolute by any means. Sometimes peoples comments have much truth in them even if they are cutting. That said it does not mean that they are wise or kind to verbalize things in an abusive way.
I accually felt some of this talk was not mentioned in the article, I wholeheartily agree with you here! I often think we can do some of our deepest learning -if we are careful to paying attention & evaluate -even what our harshest critics are saying to us, about us. Although I no longer consider myself a Bible thumper, there will always be many many many scriptures I love & consider pure wisdom...this is one of them--I have never forgotten it -from the 1st time I read it in my teens.

Proverbs 9: 8-9...
Do not rebuke mockers or they will hate you; rebuke the wise and they will love you. Instruct the wise and they will be wiser still; teach the righteous and they will add to their learning.

Proverbs 25: Learning to Value Criticism

Prov 9:8-9 - The Wise Take Criticism l Short Daily Bible Devotions

Of coarse we can all get offended, if that stops, it probably means we are numb somehow, which is no good either...we still need to FEEL.....it is , after all, what we do with it. Evaluate it for what the comment was worth, who it was coming from , and their motives behind it.

I can't think of a worse offending comment from a teen -in a moment of devilish goofing off as this...

I have this single Mom GF, she has spoiled her son rotten over the years, he got in with the wrong crowd , into the whole Insane Clown Posse movement, considers himself a "Juggalo".... he was with one of his friends in the backseat of the car one day driving to pick up her keys where her new BF worked. This would be thier 1st meeting of each other. Her son & her new BF.

When you get 2 devious idiots together, you never know what might fly out of their mouths... they were looking for a rise ... so her son walks up to him and says "What's up Chicken F*ck*r?" She wanted to crawl under a rock and die & He was surely not amused.

Some only need to open their mouth with a word or 2 & it SCREAMS their character.

I'm almost embarrassed to say I know them! :(
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top