Need Marriage Advice - Please - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 35 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 07:03 PM Thread Starter
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Need Marriage Advice - Please

Hi and thank you in advanced for reading my post.

I am 24 years old, as is my wife, and a few months ago she told me she didn't love me anymore and wanted me out of the house. What led up to all this? I, now aware, was basically a terrible husband. We have two small children, our first when we were 18 years old, this expedited our marriage ideas and we were married before my daughter's birth. After my daughter's birth we moved into our first home, I was addicted to playing video games and often played them at every moment available. I was all-around terrible, ignoring my wife, my kids on occasion, terrible during my wife's pregnancies, and an all-around jerk if something was standing in my way of doing what -I- wanted.

We bought a house together, and my trends continued. After a terrible argument over something I can't remember, my wife told me she was done, that she wanted me out, that our relationship was over, and she didn't love me anymore. There's nothing there she says. Hearing this, despite all the hints of it before, I was awoken. What kind of person had I been? How SELFISH had I been? I felt terrible, I begged for her forgiveness, to see the person I was when we were dating, when I wasn't trying to escape responsibility by gaming and doing what -I- wanted. After a day or two of thinking she decided "okay, lets try this."

It has now been 5 months since our talk. Our sex life has gone up and down, down most recently. During our 5 month "try" period, I caught her messaging an older gentleman that she works with, several hundred texts and hours of calls while I'm at work (she works nights, I work day.) She hid him from me originally when I asked, but after a few minutes gave in and explained that it was an ear, someone she could vent to, someone that she enjoyed their attention. She had been sending this person MMS messages (of what I don't know) that she says are her face, which he would reply "cute." - I have never suffered anxiety before, but learning this had happened flipped some sort of switch in my brain that I didn't know was there. Since then, she occasionally sees this person at work, sometimes with my children (it's a store, she takes the children there once a week to shop), but their texts/calls have ceased (it has been roughly 2 months). I have been dealing with terrible anxiety as of late, who did you call, what did you say, who texted you, let me see your phone. I was struck with fear that my relationship was ending already, but now possibly someone else was stepping in to fix it! Finally, last month, we had a large meltdown. I again made a realization about myself that, my anxiety and worry was not helping anything. My wife was making it clear and begging me to believe her that noone else is being hidden, and noone else will, that she knows it was wrong. I still deal with the anxiety from this daily and ponder sometimes, but I have finally stopped checking various places for information that doesn't exist.

SO - I am still having anxiety issues with our relationship, if my wife is aggravated, comes off as even remotely in a bad mood, seems quiet, ETC... I panic, my mind races 100,000 words per second in thoughts of "what's wrong, does she love me? will she love me? will she see the person I actually am, how regretful I am?", eventually I get to the point where I'd prefer suicide over having these thoughts, and the only thing that helps remedy them is TALKING to her about them. Every 2-3 days i'd say there is some kind of conversation about how we are doing, what I should do, If i'm doing something wrong, why she doesn't love me. She continues to openly say that she isn't IN LOVE with me and wants to try to be, this literally bring me to tears, she tells me that she feels bad i'm upset but can't care because she was upset from my neglect for so long. A day or two will pass with no anxiety, and things will seem okay, she will seem like she is happy, occasionally requesting space I.E. sitting on the other couch or actually requesting me to go play a game alone... which I think I can understand. However, this cycle has continued now for months. I continue to relapse in fear and ask her about things because her mood seems to be off-putting, aggravated, distant. It is as if we are on repeat in a series of my anxiety wondering if this is ever going to be fixed, her response is always "it needs time, I don't know."

What should I do in my position? Despite her aggravated, distant signs occasionally - should I let them be? Not ask what is the matter, if I've done something, If she is resenting me more than usual today? I fear this is literally driving me insane and has taken its toll on me. Just typing this out feels like a thousand pounds lifted off my shoulder, only to be placed back on later when she is off work. Another thing we are struggling with is ME initiating any sexual act. We occasionally are still active sexually, most usually at 2-3AM in the middle of sleep oddly enough I will be awoken by her. However, I have tried on numerous occasion to initiate this myself, only to be declined. After so many times I asked why this was, after pestering and pestering she broke down and said she doesn't even want me to touch her and is disgusted by it knowing that I never wanted anything to do with her before except sex when I was ignoring her... I can also understand this but it bothers me to no end because I am trying to change, with what seems to be no result, which then restarts my worrying, and I ask about it, with a pissed off response.

If you make it all the way through the above, I thank you for your time. I'm in desperate need of some type of advice, I talk to noone because we decided to keep this between ourselves (despite her work friend who is now out of the picture primarily). What should I do?

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post #2 of 35 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 07:28 PM
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Re: Need Marriage Advice - Please

Are you in marriage counseling?

Are you absolutely sure she is no longer talking with this guy?

It sounds like she is/was in an emotional affair, and she is probably comparing everything you do with him.

I would suggest marriage and individual counseling.



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post #3 of 35 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 07:28 PM
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Re: Need Marriage Advice - Please

Okay of if I understand this you suck (ed) as a husband and she is cheating...and she wants toy to leave...first thing first don't leave the house, if you even want to remotely work on your marriage you need to stay and work it.
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post #4 of 35 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 07:34 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need Marriage Advice - Please

I am 99.99% certain that she is not cheating, she has made that very clear. Was it possibly leading up to it? yes I think so. She was very upset that I discovered she was talking to him, and said she was just using him as an ear, to get advice from, to talk about our relationship with, he himself is married and quite older than her. She says she knew that I would not be a fan of her talking about or relationship to someone, particularly a guy, because she would feel the same way.

She has said multiple times that she doesn't want her talking to someone for a few days heavily about our relationship and enjoying their attention to be the end of our relationship, it upsets her a great deal if I talk about it and worry about it, I have stopped worrying about this part and this subject can primarily be skipped over, to me it seems she is being honest in saying all of this, and there have been 0 texts / calls to or from him, and any other app that could possibly involve secret messaging is always clean, even when I checked her phone off guard. I think she was genuinely using him as a vent.

We are not in marriage counseling, though it is something we could consider. With our incredibly busy schedules and noone to watch the kids besides eachother, this would possibly be more stressful for us both to try and get to a counselor.
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post #5 of 35 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 07:56 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need Marriage Advice - Please

I feel like I should sit down with her tonight when she gets off work, warn her that what I'm about to say is not anxiety-produced questioning and worrying, but genuine wonder. Should we go to marriage counseling? Do you want to continue this relationship? I cannot handle the anxiety and depression of wondering if you're going to stay with me, it has been 5 months and you continue to say that not enough time has passed. I also feel like doing this is just going to piss her off, and she will tell me I'm rushing things, and she has no answers.

I don't know what I should do! Back off? Push more to see if this relationship is something she wants? She always says she doesn't know.
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post #6 of 35 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 10:31 PM
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Re: Marriage Help - Do I stay, try, or go?

Damn dude, this sounds hard. There are a lot of resources out there and you did good posting here. Divorce can be very difficult. Look here for advice to follow though before you do it divorcetennessee.org

Now, she states she doesn't love you anymore. This is rough. I can only imagine why you have anxiety. It sounds like to me she has a complex issue. She may resent you at this point and enjoys seeing you hurt. Speaking to a counselor yourself may be a great step. Having someone to talk to in person about your anxiety and the abuse you have been put through should be your top priority. It is hard letting someone go, think of it like pulling off a band aid, the slower you go the longer the pain, and either way you look at it, that band aid is coming off. I hope for your own sake you realize the abuse and headgames she is playing with you, god help you.

Cheers .
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post #7 of 35 (permalink) Old 01-24-2017, 12:12 AM
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Re: Need Marriage Advice - Please

Geez. You are in a bad spot sweetheart.

I will never say a situation is hopeless. Here is what concerns me the most about your story. It's the years of neglect on your part. For myself and most women, we give and give and give and give. We provide second, third and thirty third chances. We tell our husbands what it is that needs to change. Sadly, many husbands don't hear it until we have given up and fallen out of love. Then SUDDENLY they finally hear us. Only when it is too late. Once this happened in my first marriage, there was nothing that could have changed my mind. Did I agree to stay and try some more once my husband saw that I was really done? Yes. I figured what harm could come from trying again? If only for my kids, I could stay another year...I had no man on the side or anything. So was there harm from me staying? Not really...other than wasting another year of my life in misery, and giving him perhaps a tiny amount of false hope. But you know what, it was still too late. I was done. Done, done, done.

I can see no harm in you asking to go to marriage counseling. If she agrees, maybe they can help you? Hire a babysitter. Never use that as an excuse, it's pathetic. Maybe you can get to a point when you can essentially court her again, romance her and perhaps she can fall back in love. If she can't, then you have to own this. Video games and selfishness lost you a good woman, and the mother to your babies. LEARN from your mistakes and undoubted immaturity you showed at your age. If it ends up that you divorce and you fall in love again someday, never neglect your wife. Listen to what she says. Believe it when she tells you she is unhappy and the things you can do to improve.

If either of your sets of parents have successful marriages, consider agreeing to confide in them, and let them help you. I wish I would have done that sooner. It's hard to go to your parents and admit your marriage is in peril. They will find out one way or the other. Why not let them give you some sage advice, as they are the people who love you both the most? Even if they don't have great marriages, why not talk to them now? Also, if you are spiritual, consider talking to your church and asking for help there, as that can help too.

For you and your babies sakes, I hope she will accept the idea of counseling, and that you can find a great one that can help you.
I'm rooting for you. I truly hope it isn't too late.

Ciao,

Spicy
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post #8 of 35 (permalink) Old 01-24-2017, 12:21 AM
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Re: Need Marriage Advice - Please

We see this all the time on here... she's probably cheating. She went underground. You need to really look hard. Do you check cell phone records online? Do you grab her phone when she's not looking and see what apps are running? You neglected her. She left the marriage a long time ago. Find out what you're up against. If you two don't spend $$$ on therapy, you have no hope.

What are you doing to deal with your anxiety?
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post #9 of 35 (permalink) Old 01-24-2017, 12:40 AM
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Re: Need Marriage Advice - Please

I merged your two threads as they were about the same topic.
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post #10 of 35 (permalink) Old 01-24-2017, 04:43 AM
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Re: Need Marriage Advice - Please

You seem very needy, OP. Your wife already has two little kids to take care of. She needs support to do that. It sounds like instead of getting that from you, she gets more neediness. That has to be draining for her.

At the same time, it is good that you are so honest and open with her, and she with you. Transparency builds trust. It cannot necessarily build compatibility, though. Natural compatibility may be what you two are lacking.

You could try counseling. Working on getting support for your neediness would help a lot. Could you go to your dad for help? Could he guide you to becoming a more secure and helpful husband? Do you think he has been one himself?

One thing you could do is to start doing practical things that could help her. What jobs around the house or with the kids could you take over that would free up her time? Do them, and encourage her to spend that freed up time on something she enjoys.

Also, when you go to talk to her, try to ask about her day, her concerns, rather than wanting her to reassure you. All that need for reassurance is going to feel like one big drag to her. She needs energy from you, not her energy just going to you.

Hope that helps. Good luck.


One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #11 of 35 (permalink) Old 01-24-2017, 09:21 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Need Marriage Advice - Please

JLD - Thank you, you are exactly right about being very needy and I am aware of this - I will become aware of this after talking to my wife and regret being what I would consider a "cry-baby" when she reassures me about where things are - then a day or two later I restart the cycle of worry and concern if I notice that she seems quiet, I'll begin to wonder what she is thinking, and stress myself until my chest is so tight that I physically NEED to talk to her about where things are, though the result is always the same - she doesn't know, and some days are better than others. For the last few months I have been doing everything I can, while coming off genuinely happy to be doing them - going out more at every chance with her and the kids, cleaning the house, dishes, laundry, back rubs and hair playing! After a bit she will grow distant and says she feels overwhelmed, that she is used to being alone. I can understand this, and feel like if I backed off when she needed it that things would progressively get better, though at the same time I feel like backing off will NOT help and would return things how they were before. I need to stop with the reassurance.

GuyInColorado - I am very careful and anxious about the cheating subject, and after 2 months of literally tracing every call - be it a doctor, friend, etc. and confirming it was who she says, watching every text / call on our phone records, checking her phone unexpectedly and trying to find SOMETHING numerous times, I finally believe that she isn't cheating, and never really was. I can tell she is genuine when she says that there is noone else, that she regrets going to an older coworker for advice / venting purposes, and won't do it again, she is very sincere about this and I can tell, especially after watching her like a hawk for 2 months and literally losing sleep over it. I continue to check the records / her location, etc... but I am doing it FAR FAR less than I was before - I do not think cheating is going on. Currently I am doing nothing to cure my anxiety, except taking the addicting drug of reassurance that my wife provides. Once I get this, I am calm for a day or two - but she is aggravated because I cannot stop poking at this open wound. It is a cycle that isn't working and I'm trying to find a way to get it under control - I believe this forum might help.

Spicy - Thank you, this entire situation was made from my hands and I know that - that's why I hate to push and push for answers when I know that I AM the one who caused the damage in the first place, and I'm expecting instant repair, an instant answer as to rather or not she is going to stay with me. I ask her constantly if she is only staying for the financial security, the stress of not knowing where she would go, etc.. she is genuine in telling me that if she wanted to go, she would go, so I think there is some shred of hope. One day things seem to improve, and the next she is a bit distant, and I'll melt down in stress and anxiety and it makes things much worse. I cannot initiate any sexual act, but those acts are still there occasionally, only engaged by her - It is obvious that she is still attracted to me physically, which is comforting - thankfully an addiction to gaming somehow didn't bring massive weight gain from sitting eating junk food all the time. My father was a HUGE video game addict when I was growing up, to the point where my mother divorced him. This really messed with me when I was younger - jumping between two parents, I resented my dad for being that way.. I always told myself I'd never be like my old man - but that's exactly what I am. Both of my parents are very judgemental and talking to them would be a VERY bad idea - I would only consider this if I knew for 100% certain things were failing - probably because I would have to move back in with them until our house sold and my wife found financial security to afford a place of her own.

Unlywed - It is very rough! Although I am not the victim here, and if what I am receiving could be considered "abuse" I most certainly deserve it. I put my wife into a place of despair and loneliness for years and was blind to it - now that I am in this position, I am melting down - that's karma for you. My wife explains to me that she truly feels terrible that I am scared and alone occasionally - but she cannot bring herself to genuinely comfort me because that is something she never received from me and she struggles to give it back. Talking to anyone is not an option because we are keeping this between us, we both agree there may be hope but we need to wait and see - I am just struggling to calm myself down and let a solution arise - let time pass - let wounds heal. I can say that talking on this forum has helped immensely, but other things have helped in the past and the anxiety comes right back days later.

Thanks for all of your responses, I tried to reply individually in my post - if this isn't the way to respond, let me know - I don't usually post on forums.
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post #12 of 35 (permalink) Old 01-24-2017, 09:27 AM
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Re: Need Marriage Advice - Please

So assuming she's no longer cheating (and it was at least leading to an emotional affair), what she would need from you right now is proof that you are ACTIVELY learning how to become a better husband and father and ACTIVELY taking steps to do so. It may take a year before she'll believe you're serious. Six years of bad behavior is hard to look past and believe you've really changed. What ARE you doing to change?
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post #13 of 35 (permalink) Old 01-24-2017, 09:33 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Need Marriage Advice - Please

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So assuming she's no longer cheating (and it was at least leading to an emotional affair), what she would need from you right now is proof that you are ACTIVELY learning how to become a better husband and father and ACTIVELY taking steps to do so. It may take a year before she'll believe you're serious. Six years of bad behavior is hard to look past and believe you've really changed. What ARE you doing to change?

I think you're right in saying that quite some time will probably be necessary - I'm just finding it incredibly hard to be the one in the lonely position and let time pass without begging for answers.

I changed myself completely once all this started - but I changed because -I- wanted to change, not for my wife, or my kids. I have stopped gaming altogether, unless my wife is at work and my children are in bed. I listen to my wife at every given chance and I am genuinely interested, I compliment her regularly - but not over-the-top in a manner that would seem forced, very subtle. I have started doing more around the house, cleaning, fix-me-ups that need done. I changed myself entirely to revolve around what SHE wants in a husband - and I'm loving it, it almost feels like a new relationship to me, and I think that's why things are so hard for me mentally - she is on the opposite end of the spectrum, it feels like a failed relationship to her, with a horrible neglectful person who has suddenly shown real change. I need to give her time, I'm mentally trying to get to the stage where I can give that to her, and continue to have positive vibes and do what I can - but it is SOOO hard knowing that, despite my efforts, this all could crumble at any time if she decides it isn't working.
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post #14 of 35 (permalink) Old 01-24-2017, 09:55 AM
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Re: Need Marriage Advice - Please

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I think you're right in saying that quite some time will probably be necessary - I'm just finding it incredibly hard to be the one in the lonely position and let time pass without begging for answers.

I changed myself completely once all this started - but I changed because -I- wanted to change, not for my wife, or my kids. I have stopped gaming altogether, unless my wife is at work and my children are in bed. I listen to my wife at every given chance and I am genuinely interested, I compliment her regularly - but not over-the-top in a manner that would seem forced, very subtle. I have started doing more around the house, cleaning, fix-me-ups that need done. I changed myself entirely to revolve around what SHE wants in a husband - and I'm loving it, it almost feels like a new relationship to me, and I think that's why things are so hard for me mentally - she is on the opposite end of the spectrum, it feels like a failed relationship to her, with a horrible neglectful person who has suddenly shown real change. I need to give her time, I'm mentally trying to get to the stage where I can give that to her, and continue to have positive vibes and do what I can - but it is SOOO hard knowing that, despite my efforts, this all could crumble at any time if she decides it isn't working.
this. as hard as it will be, you have to back off and not smother her.

you need to take on a calm demeanor. you need to suck it up. busy yourself doing things around the house, but try to do other activities too by yourself.
give her distance and space without being really detached. let her know by deeds that you are there for her, not by words.

i know it's hard. i was once where you are. panicky. all consumed. a nervous wreck. but this is what you have to do. it's your best shot.

i'm glad you are taking complete ownership of your screw-up. good luck. it's not over till it's over.
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post #15 of 35 (permalink) Old 01-24-2017, 10:10 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Need Marriage Advice - Please

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this. as hard as it will be, you have to back off and not smother her.

you need to take on a calm demeanor. you need to suck it up. busy yourself doing things around the house, but try to do other activities too by yourself.
give her distance and space without being really detached. let her know by deeds that you are there for her, not by words.

i know it's hard. i was once where you are. panicky. all consumed. a nervous wreck. but this is what you have to do. it's your best shot.

i'm glad you are taking complete ownership of your screw-up. good luck. it's not over till it's over.
Thank you for the encouragement, I will keep working on taking a calm demeanor. An example of how my mind works: She just texted me today and saw an old headset laying around, she asked me where I got it (assuming I just purchased it without telling her). I told her that I bought it ages ago and she knew about it, she replied "Oh". I asked why, she just said she'd never noticed it before. Then I asked what she's doing, she says "watching tv", so IN MY HEAD I am battling asking her: why so short? what's wrong? why ask about the headset?, but at the same time.. I rationally know that she is short because she is probably watching a movie and handling the kids and had just never noticed the headset before.. I guess I will continue to be as calm as possible in every situation despite my racing brain
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