Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions.... - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 159 (permalink) Old 01-24-2017, 05:07 PM
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Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

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yeah, I do. The OP has made an issue out of age herself. Calling an adult a girl or boy is a way to reinforce the accusation of incompetence.

Now, do you have anything else to add?

Yes I do

OP, Chronological age in itself does not constitute mental maturity. You know this.

You will know better than all of us if she is qualified to make that decision.

However, she will be the wife of your brother and mother of his child. Typically the spouse makes the tough decision. They have also been together for 5 years. He did not meet her last month.

It is his decision.

To temper your fears, ask your brother to prepare a living will. That will spell out the type of care he wants. That will protect him. The hospital will follow the living will. He needs to provide a copy to every care provider.

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post #17 of 159 (permalink) Old 01-24-2017, 08:00 PM
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Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

OP, I'm so very sorry for what your family is going through now, especially your brother himself. A very scary time to be sure, for everyone.

That said, as a woman with inlaws who like to "voice their concerns", I caution you. If you do ANYTHING but offer support and practical help, you WILL push your brother away, and ultimately damage your relationship with him.

As hard as it is to hear this, it is not your, nor your parents business whether he marries his long term partner and mother of his child, or how he words his will or other end of life documents. It just isn't. IF he asks for your opinion or advice, then you can suggest some alternatives, but you mustn't go to him and offer unsolicited advice.

You and your parents can either rally around him, his partner and soon to be baby and celebrate their wedding and the birth of their child, enjoying this wonderful time as a family, or you can push him away and alienate him from you all, when he needs you all the most.

Your choice.
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post #18 of 159 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 12:47 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

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Methinks, you don't particularly like "the girl" (btw, after the age of 18 females are women) and you are now creating problems where they don't probably don't exist and, most importantly, it does not seem as if you are offering solutions.... which IMO is the only valid way that you complain about other people's business.

Should your brother become long term incapacitated, have you figured out who will support him financially AND support him on a day to day basis. Will that be you in both cases? What do your parents think of the options that he has?

Your brother can get a "living will" which will determine when he wants the machines turned off. After that, I say keep your nose out of it.

Not trying to offend or anything like that, But she is young and I am worried about my brother and his health now. And you would be wrong, I do like her I just think she will get overwhelmed with everything that is currently going on and I feel like she could make a very bad choice or take too long to make one if things do take a turn for the worse that is all. I will help as well as my parents if he becomes incapacitated long term.
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post #19 of 159 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 12:56 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

Like I said I don't wanna alienate him or lose the closeness I have with my brother, But I just worry is all. And I talked with my parents and they feel the same way but we have all suggested him getting a living will. He is already feeling so terrible because he is a Rookie cop and now he had to disclose this to his department and now they have sat him on a desk and I honestly can't imagine the stress he is going through. It honestly is so frustrating to feel so incredibly helpless when someone you love and have attempted to protect throughout the years and then he gets this and you can't do anything. I guess if he really wants to marry her and do that I will make it my mission to make it happen and do everything I possibly can to help.
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post #20 of 159 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 02:37 AM
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Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

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Like I said I don't wanna alienate him or lose the closeness I have with my brother, But I just worry is all. And I talked with my parents and they feel the same way but we have all suggested him getting a living will. He is already feeling so terrible because he is a Rookie cop and now he had to disclose this to his department and now they have sat him on a desk and I honestly can't imagine the stress he is going through. It honestly is so frustrating to feel so incredibly helpless when someone you love and have attempted to protect throughout the years and then he gets this and you can't do anything. I guess if he really wants to marry her and do that I will make it my mission to make it happen and do everything I possibly can to help.
I think you are a wonderful sister and your heart is in the right place. Don't listen to the ones in here being too hard on you. Anyone can see that this is a massive struggle for your whole family. You will do the right thing, I am sure. Just as your brother will.

Take care OP and good luck!
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post #21 of 159 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 06:51 AM
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Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

Your brother is facing his own mortality so it's natural he wants to live his life and that includes marrying the woman expecting his child.

And consider that your brother and his gf are basically the same age, so implying that she's incapable of making life or death decisions because of age means he can't make them either.

So unless you have concerns about her beyond age I'd keep a close relationship with them. If she feels comfortable with the family she'll likely consult the family. You want her to see you as support and not as an adversary.

Do not make her feel like you don't trust her....that will blow up in your face.

And a living will is always a good idea.
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post #22 of 159 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 06:56 AM
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Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

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I don't know if this is the right place or not to seek advice for this issue but I am going to give it a try and hopefully you guys can help me out. My younger brother is 23 and has been dating his girlfriend for five years and I like the girl and she hasn't done anything wrong per say. But he was recently diagnosed with a brain tumor and is going to be starting Chemo here on Friday. Well he has asked his girlfriend to marry him and he is understandably very scared right now and they have him on antidepressants and some anxiety meds. They only recently moved in togeather and got an apartment on their own and she is also seven and a half months pregnant with a baby boy, so I guess in a way they are already married. But now he wants her to marry him very soon and I feel like he wants to marry her out of fear rather than love and not sure this is the proper way to go about things. He would also be handing over all of his life and death choices to a 22-year-old if things god forbid take a turn for the worst and I am worried it will overwhelm her or she will be indecisive and unable to chose out of fear. He has also been pushing my parents away very strongly since he found out about this and says it is because he is embarrassed and doesn't want people to see him like this. I just don't want him making a mistake and doing something because he is afraid but I also don't want to say anything that might cost me my relationship with my brother. My brother and I have always had a very strong relationship and I don't want to ruin it.

I'm sorry for your brothers illness, it's certainly an awful thing to deal with. That being said, he loves this girl enough to marry her and have a child with her, he trusts her,and he has every right to choose her for these decisions. I know you love your brother, but this poor woman is going through hell right now too, and I promise you, if you go to him about his choice he will feel like you are disrespecting the love of his life (because frankly you are) and you will push him farther away. This woman is the person he wants to spend his life with, she is his future, so it's only normal for her to be an important part of this whole horrible process.

Don't bring this up to your brother, it won't change anything besides give him more added stress that he and his little family do not need right now. Support his decision and embrace his future wife, she is carrying his child, and she loves him dearly.

Good luck to you, I mean that. I hope your brother stays well.
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post #23 of 159 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 07:03 AM
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Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

I never understand why people who have been living together, sometimes for many years, suddenly want to marry when one of them gets really ill. if marriage was so important then why didn't they get married before? Especially if they have children.

I think you have to let your brother and his partner make their own decisions. AT 23 she is quite old enough to do so.
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post #24 of 159 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 12:41 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

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Your brother is facing his own mortality so it's natural he wants to live his life and that includes marrying the woman expecting his child.

And consider that your brother and his gf are basically the same age, so implying that she's incapable of making life or death decisions because of age means he can't make them either.

So unless you have concerns about her beyond age I'd keep a close relationship with them. If she feels comfortable with the family she'll likely consult the family. You want her to see you as support and not as an adversary.

Do not make her feel like you don't trust her....that will blow up in your face.

And a living will is always a good idea.
I haven't said anything to her and tried to be as friendly as possible with her and try and help in any way I possibly can. I took them food and such tonight so they wouldn't have to worry about cooking. Bur my brother isn't doing well and I can tell and it just hurts to see him like this and even worse, and Now I feel worse seeing how well she handled him and cared and is trying to take care of my brother. Deffinently more at ease after tonight.
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post #25 of 159 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 03:48 PM
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Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

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If she feels comfortable with the family she'll likely consult the family. You want her to see you as support and not as an adversary.
This is so true...my husband and I have discussed this many times due to the behaviour of his family, and if anything were to ever happen, he doesn't want them told until after the fact, and after any decisions have been made. He knows that they will fight me every inch of the way and add to my/our stress.

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I haven't said anything to her and tried to be as friendly as possible with her and try and help in any way I possibly can. I took them food and such tonight so they wouldn't have to worry about cooking. Bur my brother isn't doing well and I can tell and it just hurts to see him like this and even worse, and Now I feel worse seeing how well she handled him and cared and is trying to take care of my brother. Deffinently more at ease after tonight.
I'm so glad you're feeling more positive now, that's great to hear. I understand how you feel seeing your brother like this. When my dad had cancer, it was so hard to see him struggling and I have never felt more completely and utterly helpless in my life.

This is such a difficult time for your entire family, it's really important that you and your parents assume supportive roles for your brother and sister in law (soon to be) and you all pull together as a family.

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post #26 of 159 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 04:01 PM
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Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

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Like I said I don't wanna alienate him or lose the closeness I have with my brother, But I just worry is all. And I talked with my parents and they feel the same way but we have all suggested him getting a living will. He is already feeling so terrible because he is a Rookie cop and now he had to disclose this to his department and now they have sat him on a desk and I honestly can't imagine the stress he is going through. It honestly is so frustrating to feel so incredibly helpless when someone you love and have attempted to protect throughout the years and then he gets this and you can't do anything. I guess if he really wants to marry her and do that I will make it my mission to make it happen and do everything I possibly can to help.
He's old enough to become a police officer, then he is old enough to make up his own mind about issues like marrying the mother of his child?

Is there any help available through the police department for officers in his situation?

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post #27 of 159 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 12:33 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

Wedding planning started today since he officially proposed today and she said yes. We all went out to a nice steakhouse and he popped the question. There is probably help through his department but he doesn't want to ask or rather refuses to ask because he feels like he is a rookie and they will think less of him. Got her parents and ours offering to let them move in when he starts Chemo which starts today and I am supposed to drive them up to the hospital. Just hoping this whole both sets of parents offering to have them move in doesn't cause a rift or more stress or anything like that. Not sure what to expect from him after his first round of Chemo. Hoping I am not being a bother to you all with this.
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post #28 of 159 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 01:52 AM
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Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

'like' is not the right response to this thread.
Your brothers condition is terrible. Perhaps he will not live to see his child born. Nothing to like there.
But he is making the best of it, he has a woman who loves him even given his condition, and they have a two families that are gathering around to support them. Lots to like there.

We had a similar case at church. He had a brain tumour found before the wedding. She went ahead even so, but couldn't tell her parents about his tumour until later. His prognosis was so poor the wedding had to be rushed. Given their culture she feared they would object too much and she would end up backing out. So she felt forced to silently lie to her parents.
I like your case much more.
Hopefully it has as good an outcome as the couple I know, who as still alive and happily married and her parents have forgiven her and are now happy supportive grand-parents.

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post #29 of 159 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 05:46 AM
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Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

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Not sure what to expect from him after his first round of Chemo. Hoping I am not being a bother to you all with this.
You're not a bother at all...it's nice to have an outlet for yourself.

Congratulations on the impending wedding, it will be something wonderful and positive for you all to focus on during this time.

As for either set of parents being offended - nothing you can do about that. I do hope that they realise that whatever is easiest for both your brother and his fiance, is what everyone needs to support and encourage.
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post #30 of 159 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 06:41 AM
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Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

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Wedding planning started today since he officially proposed today and she said yes. We all went out to a nice steakhouse and he popped the question. There is probably help through his department but he doesn't want to ask or rather refuses to ask because he feels like he is a rookie and they will think less of him. Got her parents and ours offering to let them move in when he starts Chemo which starts today and I am supposed to drive them up to the hospital. Just hoping this whole both sets of parents offering to have them move in doesn't cause a rift or more stress or anything like that. Not sure what to expect from him after his first round of Chemo. Hoping I am not being a bother to you all with this.
With his fiancee being heavily pregnant, she's going to need all the help she can get and so will the rest of the family. Hopefully, everyone will be able to work together to see them through this.

Of course you aren't bothering us! Last I looked, this forum was here so people could help each other through dark times. Please, continue posting. We're here for you.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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