Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions.... - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 203 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 07:56 AM
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Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

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Wedding planning started today since he officially proposed today and she said yes. We all went out to a nice steakhouse and he popped the question. There is probably help through his department but he doesn't want to ask or rather refuses to ask because he feels like he is a rookie and they will think less of him. Got her parents and ours offering to let them move in when he starts Chemo which starts today and I am supposed to drive them up to the hospital. Just hoping this whole both sets of parents offering to have them move in doesn't cause a rift or more stress or anything like that. Not sure what to expect from him after his first round of Chemo. Hoping I am not being a bother to you all with this.
WHy cant they stay in their own home and people go round to help them if they ask for it?

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post #32 of 203 (permalink) Old 01-28-2017, 12:02 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

First round of Chemo is done, they are keeping him overnight to monitor him and make sure he gets enough fluids in him since afterward he was pretty much puking a lot. He had so many visitors it was just really great seeing the support, A lot of cops from his department even stopped by to check on him. I guess the real challenge will be in the next few days and seeing how his energy and if he is even able to eat ext. But just really happy the chemo is started so he can start beating this have a lot of faith he can anyways. And I suppose they can stay in their own place, Both sets of parents just thought it was easier if they moved into one of their places. Nothing is even settled right now. But today I could see the look of worry on her face and she even broke down in tears so hopefully, she gets stronger.
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post #33 of 203 (permalink) Old 01-28-2017, 12:16 AM
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Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

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I don't know if this is the right place or not to seek advice for this issue but I am going to give it a try and hopefully you guys can help me out. My younger brother is 23 and has been dating his girlfriend for five years and I like the girl and she hasn't done anything wrong per say. But he was recently diagnosed with a brain tumor and is going to be starting Chemo here on Friday. Well he has asked his girlfriend to marry him and he is understandably very scared right now and they have him on antidepressants and some anxiety meds. They only recently moved in togeather and got an apartment on their own and she is also seven and a half months pregnant with a baby boy, so I guess in a way they are already married. But now he wants her to marry him very soon and I feel like he wants to marry her out of fear rather than love and not sure this is the proper way to go about things. He would also be handing over all of his life and death choices to a 22-year-old if things god forbid take a turn for the worst and I am worried it will overwhelm her or she will be indecisive and unable to chose out of fear. He has also been pushing my parents away very strongly since he found out about this and says it is because he is embarrassed and doesn't want people to see him like this. I just don't want him making a mistake and doing something because he is afraid but I also don't want to say anything that might cost me my relationship with my brother. My brother and I have always had a very strong relationship and I don't want to ruin it.
He's 23. Seems perfectly fine for a 22 year old to make life and death decisions for him. Despite you being his brother, 5 years with an intimate partner means she knows him better than you do.

If you have a concern because you think her judgment is poor, you could bring that up with the brother. But IMO, that would be all.

Not sure where you are, but in the US, he doesn't have to marry her to allow her to make decisions. But, by marrying her, she might get a tiny little smidgeon of survivor's benefits from SS, as will the child.

There are three kinds of business. Your business, my business and God's business. Whose business are you in? -Byron Katie
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post #34 of 203 (permalink) Old 01-28-2017, 10:16 AM
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Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

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Not trying to offend or anything like that, But she is young and I am worried about my brother and his health now. And you would be wrong, I do like her I just think she will get overwhelmed with everything that is currently going on and I feel like she could make a very bad choice or take too long to make one if things do take a turn for the worse that is all. I will help as well as my parents if he becomes incapacitated long term.
She will be overwhelmed. As would anybody. It's an extremely difficult situation for anyone to deal with. And it will be up to you, and your parents, and her parents, to offer an appropriate amount of support to them during those times that will get overwhelming. Support. As needed. As requested.

You are a good sister and I know in your heart you have your brother's best interest in mind. Wishing all of you the best throughout his treatment.

My story: After a night on the town with him, wife exchanged inappropriate texts with her former boss.


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post #35 of 203 (permalink) Old 01-28-2017, 04:55 PM
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Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

He should make a living will and make sure his lawyer has a copy of it. It's important for your brother (and all of us) to talk about death and what they would want when faced with a tragic event. This way there is no secrets, everyone knows what the persons wishes are so no one will throw it in another persons face when they aren't happy with certain decisions that were made.
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post #36 of 203 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 03:01 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

I am taking him to a lawyers on Monday so he can get the living will made up as well as his own will done. This morning I took them home and then tonight I took em some dinner and she told me he hadn't eaten at all and had slept all day and when she tried waking him up for dinner he could barely open up his eyes. And didn't want to eat, I am honestly worried there. But I was at least able to sit down and talk to her for a few hours and try and get closer and surprisingly she opened up to me. She is very afraid and doesn't know what to do or how to help him.
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post #37 of 203 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 03:44 AM
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Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

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I am taking him to a lawyers on Monday so he can get the living will made up as well as his own will done. This morning I took them home and then tonight I took em some dinner and she told me he hadn't eaten at all and had slept all day and when she tried waking him up for dinner he could barely open up his eyes. And didn't want to eat, I am honestly worried there. But I was at least able to sit down and talk to her for a few hours and try and get closer and surprisingly she opened up to me. She is very afraid and doesn't know what to do or how to help him.
This is moving forward so quickly.

Hopefully you are taking them, not just him. She should be included in the creation of his living will. It is something he creates to see his wishes are carried out. It is not against her, or you, or anyone, it is to protect his wishes. Given the speed everything is happening it is probably even more important to put everything out in the open.

And I wonder if it good for him to be going to the lawyers given he could barely open his eyes today. I fear the lawyers might say he is not in a fit state to make a will. Maybe ask them first. But he should see the lawyers as soon as possible.

And keep supporting them, they both need it. I would be terrified to have someone barely able to open their eyes.

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but take heart, parts of it can be delightful."
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post #38 of 203 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 11:04 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

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This is moving forward so quickly.

Hopefully you are taking them, not just him. She should be included in the creation of his living will. It is something he creates to see his wishes are carried out. It is not against her, or you, or anyone, it is to protect his wishes. Given the speed everything is happening it is probably even more important to put everything out in the open.

And I wonder if it good for him to be going to the lawyers given he could barely open his eyes today. I fear the lawyers might say he is not in a fit state to make a will. Maybe ask them first. But he should see the lawyers as soon as possible.

And keep supporting them, they both need it. I would be terrified to have someone barely able to open their eyes.
I am taking them I wouldn't exclude his future wife, Trying to be helpful and encouraging and earn her trust not try and do things behind her back. I will call in the morning and ask but I went by earlier and he seemed to be doing a little better but he was still sleeping a lot. But when he did wake up he was at least able to stay awake for a bit and carry on a conversation. I am honestly very afraid for him if the Chemo takes that much out of him it scares me.
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post #39 of 203 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 11:49 PM
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Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

Hi!
So sorry to hear this news about your brother! Do you know what kind of brain tumor he has and what stage it is? Has he shared what type of chemo (and or radiation) he's on and the schedule?

If you educate yourself on these things, it can help you, and his wife once the baby comes. Knowing all you can will help you from unknown fear. This is if he allows you.

My best friend's husband was dx with a stage 4 glio blastoma multiforme brain tumor. The worst of the worst. So I have experience with that. I digress.

Chemo and often the anti- nausea Meds can wear a person out or knock him out. The chemo is different for each cancer and each patient but he will be down for a bit and then regain a bit of strength until the next round. It accumulates so each round gets harder.

I wish you the best with your family. You sound very loving and concerned. She will need your help with the baby if you are available so that she can help him. And they will be less likely to shut family out if they feel they have a say in things and are respected. It sounds like you want that as well.
Sometimes parents, especially mothers, can tend to want to take over for grown sons or daughters. My former inlaws were in the medical field so at that age, I would have trusted them! Only because I knew she was highly educated and on the same page as me, and in the know.

Keep posting here.
Keep bringing them food, and whatever else you can do for them. Does he know a lot about his cancer? Some shrink and some take hold of it. Either is fine! ((Hugs for you))
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post #40 of 203 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 03:02 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

He was Diagnosed with primary cns lymphoma Large diffuse cell B, I have done a little research and I am honestly overwhelmed by it all. I don't remember the Chemo/Radiation types or what they were called Sorry I will get that later today when I go back to check in on him and his wife. I went and checked in on him last night and I have never seen him so depressed before in my life And I did talk to the lawyers and I didn't take him yesterday because if he is barely functioning they are not able to write up the will or living will. So I have to wait until he has some of his strength back and is able to at least stay awake more than an hour at a time. His wife seems to be more and more trusting of me so there is at least that. Supposed to have a BBQ at her parents house on Saturday really hoping he can and will go I think some sun and family time would do him well as well as his wife.

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post #41 of 203 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 03:58 AM
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Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

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But today I could see the look of worry on her face and she even broke down in tears so hopefully, she gets stronger.
Just because she broke down in tears does not mean she's not strong. It means she's worried and frightened, and feeling as helpless as you. My mum broke down sometimes when my dad was sick, and she's over 60, age has nothing to do with it.

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This morning I took them home and then tonight I took em some dinner and she told me he hadn't eaten at all and had slept all day and when she tried waking him up for dinner he could barely open up his eyes. And didn't want to eat, I am honestly worried there. But I was at least able to sit down and talk to her for a few hours and try and get closer and surprisingly she opened up to me. She is very afraid and doesn't know what to do or how to help him.
Chemo will knock him for six. No doubt about it. The first few days after each round are the worst, he'll slowly regain his strength and then the next round will start. These next few months are going to be rough for all of you.

It's not surprising that he's depressed and flat...he's fighting for his life, he's terrified, feels physically weak and like he wants to barf all the time. Is he seeing a counsellor or someone like that? He really needs someone to talk to, who he can really let it all out with, someone that he doesn't have to worry that they'll get upset or be worried about him. He can't do that with his family, he's likely not telling anyone how he's really feeling, so as not to upset anyone.

Hang in there, you're doing everything right, and are being the supportive sis he needs right now. We're all here for you too, please don't forget that x
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post #42 of 203 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 05:20 AM
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Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

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I am taking them I wouldn't exclude his future wife, Trying to be helpful and encouraging and earn her trust not try and do things behind her back. I will call in the morning and ask but I went by earlier and he seemed to be doing a little better but he was still sleeping a lot. But when he did wake up he was at least able to stay awake for a bit and carry on a conversation. I am honestly very afraid for him if the Chemo takes that much out of him it scares me.
Great, I was hoping that you saying you were taking 'him' was just a form of words and really you were taking 'them'.
And sad to read in a later post that he was too out of it to see a lawyer.

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post #43 of 203 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 12:47 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

Today was mildly stressful, he crashed pretty hard and his fiancee called me while I was at work and I made her hang up and call 911 and now he is in the hospital but they have him stabilized. Pretty scary, apparently he had a very long seizure due to the tumor pushing up against a part of his brain. I am really hoping he can get stabilized enough really need him to get to see a lawyer for a will and a living will ext.
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post #44 of 203 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 12:53 AM
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Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

Hi
I looked up that type of cancer and I can say, although it may look bleak, just knowing he's young makes a very big difference in his prognosis.
I think getting married will boost his spirits. Yes, she is young, but that is part of what seals them together and it will help them if they stick together as a team.
Chemo and or radiation will take out a lot as well, so as you become familiar with the treatments you will at least feel more in control, I hope. With cancer like this, it's hard, I know. I hope you guys were able to soothe him if even just with your presence.

I hope he's well enough to enjoy some fun on Saturday. And to get the necessary paperwork filled out.

Did you get to find out his chemo schedule?

PS,
I'm not opposed to the idea that they move in with family IF they would have their own private space. As sick as he is, and with a newborn, they will need the help! She can't do both on her own.

Keep us updated, and keep sharing, venting and asking advice. Are you in the US ?
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post #45 of 203 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 01:00 AM
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Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

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Today was mildly stressful, he crashed pretty hard and his fiancee called me while I was at work and I made her hang up and call 911 and now he is in the hospital but they have him stabilized. Pretty scary, apparently he had a very long seizure due to the tumor pushing up against a part of his brain. I am really hoping he can get stabilized enough really need him to get to see a lawyer for a will and a living will ext.
I'm so sorry to hear about the seizure. I'm glad he's working on getting him well enough to see that lawyer. Some will come to you!
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