Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions.... - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
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post #46 of 203 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 01:54 AM
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Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

Hope everything works out for him

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post #47 of 203 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 02:22 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

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Hi
I looked up that type of cancer and I can say, although it may look bleak, just knowing he's young makes a very big difference in his prognosis.
I think getting married will boost his spirits. Yes, she is young, but that is part of what seals them together and it will help them if they stick together as a team.
Chemo and or radiation will take out a lot as well, so as you become familiar with the treatments you will at least feel more in control, I hope. With cancer like this, it's hard, I know. I hope you guys were able to soothe him if even just with your presence.

I hope he's well enough to enjoy some fun on Saturday. And to get the necessary paperwork filled out.

Did you get to find out his chemo schedule?

PS,
I'm not opposed to the idea that they move in with family IF they would have their own private space. As sick as he is, and with a newborn, they will need the help! She can't do both on her own.

Keep us updated, and keep sharing, venting and asking advice. Are you in the US ?
Every other week he is due for chemo/radiation treatments he is supposed to go in Friday for round two and he is supposed to have two more rounds of treatment after that. And yes I am in the US, We are trying to get them married in the next couple of weeks as well as he wants to do it sooner rather than later and so I have been trying to get all of that planned out. I am gonna go by and visit on my way home from work tomorrow or rather later today hopefully they let him go home assuming he is doing alright. Her parents have a massive house and with a mother in law type apartment area attached to the house so if they moved in with them they would have a private area for just them, Only thing is it is upstairs and I worry about how he will do with stairs. Just honestly worried and hopeful he doesn't get too depressed and just give up, Because I think he can fight and beat this.
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post #48 of 203 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 09:35 AM
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Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

I am sorry for what your brother and the family are going through. Please make sure his fiancé takes care of herself and eats & sleeps regularly. With everything going on and the support you he has, there is a way to help. There is a website called mealtrain.com where friends and family can go on and pick a day to supply a meal to the family. Others can see what days are taken and what they are having. It can be as simple as supplying a pizza or sandwiches, but I am sure this would help everyone.
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post #49 of 203 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 11:46 AM
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Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

Please please please get that living will does as soon as he is physically able.

My 27 year old cousin was in a coma for 3 months after a horrific car accident. The drs said even if he survived he would have absolutely zero quality of life. My aunt and uncle decided to put him in hospice with no machines except the most basic life support and let him die naturally. His girlfriend wanted to keep him on all the machines and see if he woke up. They ended up in court because he had no living will or end of life wishes on file. They won and he died in hospice after just a few days but then she tried to sue them for wrongful death. Fortunately the court found no basis for her suit. But it caused a lot of grief in an already awful time.

The road goes ever ever on, down from the door where it began... JRR Tolkien
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post #50 of 203 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 09:47 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

I am trying to get the living will done as well as his normal will but I can't do that until he is physically fit to do so and well it has been rough lately health wise. Hospital at least let them go home tonight though, he is in about as good of spirits as you can be in going through all of this. Just worried he is trying to mask his true feelings. I know his fiancee hasn't been sleeping well or eating a lot because she has been taking care of him so much but when I tried to get her to go home and sleep from the hospital last night she wouldn't budge. I admire her tenacity and will to take care of him but my brother needs her to take care of herself just as much as him as well as her unborn baby.
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post #51 of 203 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 03:15 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

Went to take them food again tonight and as I was talking up the steps I could hear screaming and yelling and a lot of crying. But she answered and took the food and basically said it wasn't a good time for me to visit but when I pressed for why they were fighting I basically got a door slammed in my face. These two have never fought at least that I have ever seen or noticed so them fighting this badly ext is a little worrying. Just hoping it doesn't tear them apart when they both need one another the most right now.
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post #52 of 203 (permalink) Old 02-04-2017, 12:49 AM
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Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

@Justaverage ,
How stressful for you to have heard all that fighting. It's hard to know when to get involved or not, especially knowing he could shut you out. I hope you approaching calmed them down, even though she didn't want to talk to you.

Have you looked on Facebook for any closed support groups you could join? I typed in brain cancer and a group called Grey Nation popped up, among some others. More if you type in brain tumor. They accept patients, family and caregivers. You might find one that is helpful.

Anything affecting the brain, especially cancer, can cause a change in personality but he's still the same person. Sometimes people forget that. Maybe he's afraid of that.

I have a neuro- degenerative disease in my brain and spinal cord. When I first got diagnosed I didn't want to talk about it with even my close friends or family (just one or two friends, and I controlled what was said). It was my way of not falling apart. I'm still very private, but it doesn't depress me as much. No cure, blah blah. I was never in control, though, and I shut out some good people. Not from life, just from helping. And I'm older!

I said that to say, there is fight in your brother. He needs support but may not know how to reach out. Pride, youth, the cancer, and just being overwhelmed. The baby will perk him up. If he has a favorite sports team, or hobby get something for the baby (an outfit, etc).

My husband beat cancer. Treatment is brutal but it's a battle worth fighting! And you're right, he can beat this! Hang in there!
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post #53 of 203 (permalink) Old 02-04-2017, 05:05 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

Yes, I have looked will try and find the one you suggested thank you, Yes it is pretty unnerving to hear two people fighting and screaming and hear my brother crying. They didn't want me to go by yesterday so I respected their wishes but they still asked me if I could give them a ride to the BBQ so i am a little happy that they are going to come out and be sociable with the family ext. Got a few months until the baby is born and I am hoping it will life both of their spirits. Next round of Chemo is next Friday so I am hoping it doesn't wipe him out like the first one did. Just also hoping he doesn't start shutting the family out or more importantly shut me out.
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post #54 of 203 (permalink) Old 02-04-2017, 07:01 AM
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Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

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Yes, I have looked will try and find the one you suggested thank you, Yes it is pretty unnerving to hear two people fighting and screaming and hear my brother crying. They didn't want me to go by yesterday so I respected their wishes but they still asked me if I could give them a ride to the BBQ so i am a little happy that they are going to come out and be sociable with the family ext. Got a few months until the baby is born and I am hoping it will life both of their spirits. Next round of Chemo is next Friday so I am hoping it doesn't wipe him out like the first one did. Just also hoping he doesn't start shutting the family out or more importantly shut me out.
You should do some research. Chemo often gets harder with each round. Chemo can also very much impact brain function, emotions, behavior, etc. Your brother and his fiancee are in for a rough ride. The more you know, the more you'll be able to help.

Have they discussed the actual wedding ceremony? While he's going through chemo, if they want to get married right away, they do have the option of asking an officiant to come to them to perform the ceremony. It wouldn't be the first time a couple were married while one was ill in bed.

I'm not trying to scare you, but you mentioned upthread that you don't want your brother to "give up". I've had two separate friends in the last 3 years lose children to brain tumors. 5 years ago, I lost a friend to same. My grandfather had stomach cancer and also passed. For each of them, there came a time when it was quality of life vs quantity. It's possible your brother will fight this and beat it. It is also possible he will decide to stop treatment at some point because he doesn't want the time he has left to be Hell on Earth. IF it comes to that, it wouldn't be giving up. It would be accepting the inevitable and making the most of what life he has left.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #55 of 203 (permalink) Old 02-04-2017, 07:07 AM
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Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

Deleted post due to the links I was trying to share not working.


Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #56 of 203 (permalink) Old 02-04-2017, 11:41 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

The BBQ didn't go quite as good as I had hoped, Family was a little overbearing on him and his wife. But her parents got them to agree to move into the mother inlaw apartment they have, Which is probably for the best considering what is going on and what is to come. From the time I picked them up to the time I dropped them back off, they both seemed rather distant with one another but I didn't make it an issue or bring it up to them. They are going to get married on the 25th it will be a small family and friends type of wedding. And I did some more research and joined a couple support groups, But I hope you all don't mind if I keep posting here, but thank you all for the guidance and help. He had to take a couple naps at the BBQ because he couldn't stay awake the whole day which was kind of distressing, to be honest. He didn't want help though and was getting annoyed easily whenever anyone offered or tried to help.
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post #57 of 203 (permalink) Old 02-06-2017, 12:58 AM
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Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

Hi @Justaverage ,
Family can be like that, unfortunately. They know deep down it's because they want to help and feel at a loss.
Don't feel distressed that he needs to sleep. We have an antigravity chair for me that I used at my own wedding to rest and nap. At my daughter's wedding just a few months ago they put me on a couch in a secluded area of the lovely lobby and blocked my face view with my wheelchair.
I'm not on chemo but my body wears out very fast so we try to be discreet if it's a formal setting.
It's too bad they seemed awkward still, but moving in to the attached apartment sounds great.
Have you found any other ones in his age bracket wth the same diagnosis? I hope you will!
Of course, keep coming here! Tell us what more you learn, since you never know who's reading that you may help!
How far apart in age are you and your brother?
Hope this makes sense!
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post #58 of 203 (permalink) Old 02-06-2017, 03:13 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

No, I haven't found anyone close to him in age with the same diagnosis. Hoping I can I am sure the two of them could use one another to talk about what they are going through. They are going to move in sometime this week before he goes the next round of Chemo, Gonna take them to the lawyers office on Tuesday he said he needs to go before his next round so he can get the wills done. Honestly more so worried about their relationship falling apart all of a sudden they need one another more than ever right now and how they have been acting around each other last few times I have been around them is worrying.
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post #59 of 203 (permalink) Old 02-06-2017, 02:03 PM
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Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

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And I did some more research and joined a couple support groups, But I hope you all don't mind if I keep posting here, but thank you all for the guidance and help. He had to take a couple naps at the BBQ because he couldn't stay awake the whole day which was kind of distressing, to be honest. He didn't want help though and was getting annoyed easily whenever anyone offered or tried to help.
Of course we don't mind!

My mother was disabled from birth. One of the things that annoyed her the most was someone helping her without her asking. She took great pride in being able to do the limited things she could do. As your brother deals with this horrid illness and it's equally horrid treatment, try to remember not to just help him. Either offer to help and wait until he gives permission or wait for him to ask.

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No, I haven't found anyone close to him in age with the same diagnosis. Hoping I can I am sure the two of them could use one another to talk about what they are going through. They are going to move in sometime this week before he goes the next round of Chemo, Gonna take them to the lawyers office on Tuesday he said he needs to go before his next round so he can get the wills done. Honestly more so worried about their relationship falling apart all of a sudden they need one another more than ever right now and how they have been acting around each other last few times I have been around them is worrying.
The friend I lost and my grandfather were both married when they got their cancer diagnosis and began treatment. Not only does chemo mess with brain chemistry and, in turn, behavior and feelings, but the whole thing is very hard for both the patient and their SO. It's quite normal for a couple in these circumstances to experience very high highs and very low lows. All you can do is pray (if you're religious) and offer support.

Also, remember, that pregnancy can be rough on a relationship. Exhaustion and hormones plus physical discomfort and all the normal impending parenthood fears and concerns wreck havoc. So, your brother and his fiancee are getting hit with a double whammy.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #60 of 203 (permalink) Old 02-07-2017, 12:30 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

Took off of work today and helped them move in with her parents, I can tell he isn't a fan of this at all. Just hoping it does not cause any undue pressure on them if he is unhappy there. I wanna try and get him alone so I can talk with him one on one but I haven't been able to because she has been hovering over him all the time which I suppose is understandable. But taking them to the lawyers tomorrow to get his will and living will done hopefully that goes well. He seemed better today defiantly a good day energy wise and how he was feeling.
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