Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions.... - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
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post #76 of 203 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 10:48 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

Thanks he is so adorable and I will take your advice and get them some super comfortable sheets. Mother and son and my brother will all get to go home tomorrow so that is a plus but my brother is incredibly weak and even the hospital could tell and made him go lay day which is making him really frustrated because he wants to spend all of his time with his son. And being forced to go lay down and get some rest wasn't the top of his acceptable list. But other then that things are as good as they could be I suppose. Just wish my brother wasn't stressing out so much he needs to rest and get his energy back in between treatments so he can stay around long term for his son.

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post #77 of 203 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 12:51 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

Well, all three are home safe and sound and all three are resting comfortably. Got another couple weeks before his next treatment and somehow they are going to try and swing a wedding next weekend. Pretty sure they both are going to be incredibly exhausted. Ordered them a bunch of new sheet sets and some baby blankets and some other stuff for a wedding present.
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post #78 of 203 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 11:50 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

Sorry for this bit of a rant, But I feel kind of miffed. His soon to be wife and parents texted me and asked me to not drop by for awhile and her parents can handle the meals and help ext. And when I tried calling I got no answer and so I called my brother and got no answer so I texted him and asked if he knew about this and 5-6 hours later I guess when he woke up he answered that he didn't. I was just trying to be helpful and that was my only intention and thought I was being helpful ya know? Now they are trying to push me away and not to go over and see my brother and ignoring me when I try and call to get some kind of explanation. I don't understand where this is coming from or why this is happening. And it is honestly very upsetting and disheartening. If she is trying to drive a wedge between myself and brother it is not going to happen. And I can only imagine this is stressing my brother out since from his response he seemed upset as well. I don't know what is going on but I do feel I deserve an answer as to why.
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post #79 of 203 (permalink) Old 02-17-2017, 12:13 AM
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Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

Hopefully it's just for the first week or so, that baby and mom can adjust and sleep as much as they can, and dad can help but get his rest and strength built up. It doesn't knock down all the helpful things you've done. Give yourself time to cool off. It could just be that they offered since they lived there and mom is more confortable.

Of course this won't separate you and your brother! Give it a minute for him to give you a response. Even if you don't like it, try to see things from their perspective, her age, etc, and now you can take him to chemo since she's got the newborn.

I like your idea for the wedding gift! It's easy to get upset at this less than ideal situation but at some point maybe there can be a discussion that includes everyone.

Does he get a long with your parents? The STB daughter in law?
Hang in there! Don't cause them to fight this early in the birth experience if you can help it. Parenthood is exhausting. Do you have kids? Those first days, weeks, months... crazy!
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post #80 of 203 (permalink) Old 02-17-2017, 07:14 PM
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Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

I'm sorry they've done this OP, and can understand why you're hurt. It was absolutely inappropriate for her parents to be involved in that text at all. If you push for an explanation though, it will just make it harder for your brother. Let things settle for a few days and see how things go. Remember that SIL is trying to deal with a newborn, recover from birth AND care for your brother...she's exhausted and her hormones would be going crazy right now.

It's likely because of the new baby, if I had a newborn I wouldn't want any visitors either for at least a couple of weeks while we get into a routine of sorts. This is a very special time for them, and mum, dad and baby need to bond.

It would hurt to feel excluded though, and I'm sorry for that.
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post #81 of 203 (permalink) Old 02-17-2017, 07:51 PM
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Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

Having visitors with a new baby can be exhausting. Add to that a sick fiance its even more so. I wonder if you could go a little less often? Say once a week and then phone him once or twice between visits?
They are a little family and they need time to rest and get used to the new baby as well as his treatment.
It may seem to her that you are trying to cause trouble by asking him about their polite request. I know you are his sister, but she is nearly his wife and they have a baby, and with the wedding as well they have so much to cope with. Give them some space in my advise. Let him enjoy his new baby. He will contact you if he wants to talk, just respect their wishes for this time is my advise, you know they have help available if they need it.

Last edited by Diana7; 02-17-2017 at 08:02 PM.
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post #82 of 203 (permalink) Old 02-18-2017, 01:08 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

I didn't mean to cause any trouble but being excluded and cut off from your sick family member is very hurtful. Now that I have had time to calm down and not be so upset I understand why though. But I still feel like it would of been better had it come from my brother. Yes he gets along with our parents really well, He isn't the biggest fan of her parents but they seem to like him alright I never asked why he didn't like them didn't think it mattered or cared honestly. Got a week until his wedding day I am still excited for them both.
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post #83 of 203 (permalink) Old 02-18-2017, 02:05 AM
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Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

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I didn't mean to cause any trouble but being excluded and cut off from your sick family member is very hurtful. Now that I have had time to calm down and not be so upset I understand why though. But I still feel like it would of been better had it come from my brother. Yes he gets along with our parents really well, He isn't the biggest fan of her parents but they seem to like him alright I never asked why he didn't like them didn't think it mattered or cared honestly. Got a week until his wedding day I am still excited for them both.
You haven't been excluded or cut off, just asked to give then a little space at this time. Maybe her parents can see how exhausted they are and are trying to protect them from visitors for a week or two. Its understandable.
How often do your parents see them? You mention when you do, but not when they do.
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post #84 of 203 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 12:08 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

It sure seems as if I was cut off and excluded a bit. But it doesn't matter, I am over and past it talked to my brother on the phone and had a good long talk with about some wedding details that needed ironed out for this coming Saturday. My parents stop by a couple times a week give or take usually when they can but they live a few hours away so it isn't always easy for them to stop by and see him but they are trying as best they can.
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post #85 of 203 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 01:00 AM
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Im very sorry about your brother's cancer..

Well you said it yourself they are already married somehow so getting a real marriage wouldnt harm either of them because its more like a signed contract.
It might actually help both of them during this hard time since she will be sure that he really cares for her that he wants to assure her his will to spend the rest of his life with her and a good thing for him because he'll get to feel better mentally at least when she says yes.

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post #86 of 203 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 11:54 AM
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I understand your concerns. Is it definate that you brother is putting all this responsibility on his GF alone. Is he thinking in the back of his mind that mom and dad will still hold the same decision influence on his medical history, past traleatments etc?

A living will does provide him with some security of his own decisions if he becomes unable. But there are times when a family member will still have to provide guidance on plan of care.

Has anyone discussed a medical power of attorney? He can name 2 people one as the primary and secondary. My son that is married has gotten one because he doesn't see his wife as being able to provide all the medical information to a physician should he undergo surgery and be under and can't speak form him self.

It is not as as death inanimate type of form. Then work to the power of attorney. This is a lot of responsibility on any person with a seriously ill loved one and a new born. She will be pulled in 2 directions. Someone will be giving care to the baby or the husband she can't do it all alone.
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post #87 of 203 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 09:17 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

Well at least I was able to talk to my brother on the phone a bit today said our parents dropped in on them today. He also feels like things aren't getting better health wise and is worried. But that he is inlove deeply with his soon to be wife and that his baby boy shows him that he has something to fight for. So I guess that is some good and some bad but some more good then bad if that makes sense? Just happy he has decided to keep fighting and all but alas this week will be a busy one with the wedding this Saturday.
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post #88 of 203 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 01:33 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

Went and got their wedding cake picked out as well as some other things done, Not sure what I may or ma not of done but my future sister inlaw is still avoiding me not sure what this is all about. She at least let my brother go to lunch with me. Can't tell if she is ticked off with me or just trying to be controlling or what. I don't know but I am not gonna try and make any waves or cause any fights not on the week of their wedding. Brother is definitely worried about having the amount of energy needed to get through Saturday.
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post #89 of 203 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 11:15 PM
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Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

Just a few more days and they will officially be husband and wife! That's great all the details are coming together.

As a new mother, her hormones are in a massive upheaval, lack of sleep... It can be especially rough the first few weeks, known as the baby blues. I had them with my middle child. Plus, the extreme stress from the cancer, and you've got a frazzled new mom.

It's hard to tell without her telling you. It could also be you may have hurt her feelings. Or maybe she's not sure how to react to needing space and knowing it offended you.
Third, and if this is possible, maybe in time you can help her with this-- You and your brother are close. She may see that as competition, When it shouldn't be. Unless either of you have felt jealous, don't discount if you sense it. You may figure out some other possibilities.

Whatever is going on may get resolved with some time. Especially if it's baby blues! She may be feeling a little blue over the wedding itself since he's sick and she just gave birth. Maybe find a moment and give her a heartfelt welcome to the family. That you're glad he's found love with her and they share the joy of their precious Lucas.

Also, it's normal for your brother to wax and wane with his feelings over progress. He's got his son and wife to help him stay positive, and family. But he knows it's serious.
Ask him if the doctors are giving him any results in counts or any scans or tests he'll have done to have anything to compare progress. Doctors don't necessarily keep patients abreast of the numbers, or even fill them in on what to watch for.

I hope this made sense, as I can feel one of my meds kicking in. Sorry I didn't write sooner. I can't always type!

Last edited by Seasong; 02-22-2017 at 11:26 PM.
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post #90 of 203 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 11:36 PM
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Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

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I understand your concerns.

Has anyone discussed a medical power of attorney? He can name 2 people one as the primary and secondary. My son that is married has gotten one because he doesn't see his wife as being able to provide all the medical information to a physician should he undergo surgery and be under and can't speak form him self.
With this type of brain cancer, surgery is rarely performed, and won't be in his case.
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