Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions.... - Page 9 - Talk About Marriage
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post #121 of 196 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 11:14 PM
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Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

Moving him to ICU makes sense. They also have a higher nurse to patient ratio so hopefully they don't have him on any extra extra noisy equipment. My husband spent time in ICU when he was going through cancer. Chemo and radiation suck, but it also saves lives.

Good spirits, that sounds so wonderful. His decision to fight comes from deep within, but continues to be fueled by his family, his friends, doctors, staff ... I hope friends have kept in touch with him.
Deep blue eyes! He sounds so beautiful. What a gift to inherit!

Your brother meant well, but when he talked to her recently and told her to back off, it probably backfired a bit in that she is holding that against you. Men are fixers and where you just needed to be heard, he wanted to fix. Maybe a little more time and you can approach her and just give an apology with no strings attached. I would do that, considering the circumstances with her giving birth and the cancer.

Hang in there!

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post #122 of 196 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 12:08 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

Yeah I will try and apologize when I can get a chance to talk to her without anyone around. The one down side of the ICU though is they only allow two visitors in at a time so trying to go visit is a little b it harder than before. Yeah a lot of his friends and work buddies have been dropping by a lot and most showed up to his wedding. But Doctors and nurses still couldn't tell me when they think he is going to be able to go home but I suppose it doesn't matter as long as he keeps getting better and resting comfortably, Not that is really possible with all the machines and such hooked up to him currently.
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post #123 of 196 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 01:57 AM
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Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

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Yeah I will try and apologize when I can get a chance to talk to her without anyone around. The one down side of the ICU though is they only allow two visitors in at a time so trying to go visit is a little b it harder than before. Yeah a lot of his friends and work buddies have been dropping by a lot and most showed up to his wedding. But Doctors and nurses still couldn't tell me when they think he is going to be able to go home but I suppose it doesn't matter as long as he keeps getting better and resting comfortably, Not that is really possible with all the machines and such hooked up to him currently.
Apologise for what honey? Wanting to help? No - don't do that.

You all need to be patient with each other and cut each other a bit of slack, but don't apologise for offering to help them x
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post #124 of 196 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 09:44 PM
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Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

My suggestion for an apology has nothing to do with helping out. I re read what I wrote and should have explained it better.

She continues to act hurt. If you feel it could help her get past whatever might be bothering her, it might ease the situation. It's not about right or wrong.

Justaverage, you and your brother are close. If you and sis in law get on better terms, it won't just be that you can help, but you two could become close as well. That might even ease some of her jealousy if she has ever felt left out.

I know at the moment with the incredible stress she's under after giving birth not even a month ago, she's one tough girl. And I know that because you've written about her. A sincere but simple apology is what I would do. This could help break the ice a bit and resolve some of the conflict if she's willing to discuss it. If that in turn improves things even if unspoken, I think your brother will notice! You both love him. He's worth it!

Yeah, the 2 visitors rule is more difficult. That's awesome he's got such a great network of support! I hope he's getting plenty of sleep and rest despite all the noise.

I do apologize if this seems choppy. A rough few days so I had to write it in spurts. You take care!
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post #125 of 196 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 10:23 PM
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Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

Females take things the wrong way (misconstrue) from others... especially other women. This is what I would say, "xxxx if I harmed / hurt you in any way, it was in no means intended/intentional."

No I would not apologize.

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #126 of 196 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 10:36 PM
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Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

To me, that is an apology. There's just no word "apologize". What's the difference? Their loved one is fighting for his life. Justaverage has a heart of gold it seems but anything can be misconstrued by males or females in such devastating circumstances. Her new sis in law just happens to be female. My heart truly goes out to them.
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post #127 of 196 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 11:08 PM
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Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

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To me, that is an apology. There's just no word "apologize". What's the difference? Their loved one is fighting for his life. Justaverage has a heart of gold it seems but anything can be misconstrued by males or females in such devastating circumstances. Her new sis in law just happens to be female. My heart truly goes out to them.

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #128 of 196 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 11:22 PM
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Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

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BTW, I really liked what you wrote the other day regarding how her SIL is likely wanting to show her/family she can take care of everything. I can't see it, but it made a lot of sense.
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post #129 of 196 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 04:04 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

No I understood what you wrote and I am sorry you are going through such a difficult time . I haven't gotten a chance to talk to her yet I didn't stop by because I was with my boyfriend and my parents called and said it wasn't a good day to visit because he wasn't doing very well and didn't want any visitors aside from his wife. Which I suppose is understandable just kinda worried that he is deteriorating like he is. But I am trusting his doctors and nurses to take care of him and get him over this hump well hopefully anyways.
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post #130 of 196 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 12:59 PM
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Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

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BTW, I really liked what you wrote the other day regarding how her SIL is likely wanting to show her/family she can take care of everything. I can't see it, but it made a lot of sense.
My mom had two older sisters. I saw the dynamic up close. Huge difference in female/female dynamics compared to male/male and male/female.


A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #131 of 196 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 12:32 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

Needless to say my brother is still in the hospital currently, really hoping this isn't the start of some major downward spiral of his health. But when I was able to visit he was lethargic and not as responsive as he was before which worries me but I suppose when you are battling cancer and on top of that an infection it would take a rather big toll on your body. Which I suppose is normal as normal as all of this can be right now did get to see his wife and my nephew though she seemed in a better mood overall and at least acknowledged me this time around. So I guess a bit of an improvement?
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post #132 of 196 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 09:02 AM
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Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

I'm so sorry for what your brother and your family are going through.

Did his oncologists have any input on the advisability of being around so many people at his wedding given his weakened immune system?
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post #133 of 196 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 12:08 AM
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Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

Yes, it takes a toll. There's no way around that. He may also be on meds that make him like that. Hopefully the end of this week he'll make some progress!!

The last time I was in the hospital it was 6 days. I was on all kinds of monitors and that crazy air pressure bed that sounds like a hissing snake every time I moved. And I have a movement disorder! At night they wake you up, blah blah... so finally I was out of pain, everyone was leaving me alone for a bit and then I slept. So when an innocent respiratory therapist came in at like not even 5 am to treat me, I came unglued. It didn't matter, that's life in the hospital.

I couldn't handle visitors for more that ten minutes, except my husband stayed with me the whole time. It's more the support. Because KNOWING people still love you, see Him, not just cancer, it matters. And knowing he's in a tough tough fight helps. Some hold fundraisers to pay hospital bills etc.

How much do you know about his dos and don'ts coming from the doctor.
Some docs have paperwork provided, others, face to face talk type.
Does it all go through the newlyweds?
His cancer is tough to treat, but uts treatable, especially since he's young and previously healthy.

Do you know what stage he has? Stage 1 2 3 4?
Do you know if hi tumor was near an eye, etc? Or if he has more than one?

Last, that was great news to read that the wife was in a better mood and even acknowledged you! For her to be in a better mood means brother must be doing better! What are the rules in ICU for the wee one? Can she allow dad a quick peak at his little blue eyed twin in his room? Some hospitals have strict policies. Others understand as long as dad has no current fever.

I'm convinced the problem grew like it did because of the yucky word cancer, and secondary having baby right in the turmoil. I hope none of her friends or family tried to influence her to not marry him. That would put a wall up!
I hope his smile will soon melt worries away when you have him in front of you!

Take care of you, and give the boyfriend some extra hugs!!

Last edited by Seasong; 03-14-2017 at 12:16 AM.
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post #134 of 196 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 01:48 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

He has stage 3 and last I knew/heard his tumor was above his left eye on the front of his brain. I knew his doctors gave him the okay for the wedding but they didn't want him to push himself and that if he got overwhelmed or overtired his doctors told him to cut it short then but as we know he didn't and pushed through it for the sake of his wedding day. I am not sure of his new do's and don'ts other than not pushing himself and overexerting himself. His Doctors are more of face to face but I do know there are some paper work I just haven't seen it because of how distant my brothers wife has been and I haven't been over to their place in awhile. Most of her friends really like my brother and have been incredibly supportive but there are those couple of friends that I know were not thrilled with her marrying my brother and did try and talk her out of it but it clearly didn't work, Love is an incredibly strong thing and theirs is unbreakable so far anyways. And he hasn't been able to see his son since he was moved to the ICU which is really unfortunate but his doctors and nurses won't budge on it. But when I went by today he did look a little bit better and his nurses said he has been improving so I guess monday isn't so bad after all.
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post #135 of 196 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 10:37 PM
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Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

As hard as it is, it's safer for the baby not to be in the ICU. He'll see him very soon!
I'm glad he was doing better yesterday! To hear he's improving is that much sweeter! You guys will have to make him behave. He might not try to push remembering this timeout in the hospital.
Friends may mean well, but as long as they backed away when she said what she knew was was best for her, and them (as a couple and family). Not everyone is cut out for in sickness.
Having family and friends, and their baby boy (as hard work as he is right now) will also help them. Who goes with her on the visits to sit with the baby?
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