Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions.... - Talk About Marriage
General Relationship Discussion Although anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.

User Tag List

 156Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #1 of 157 (permalink) Old 01-24-2017, 03:18 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 51
Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions....

I don't know if this is the right place or not to seek advice for this issue but I am going to give it a try and hopefully you guys can help me out. My younger brother is 23 and has been dating his girlfriend for five years and I like the girl and she hasn't done anything wrong per say. But he was recently diagnosed with a brain tumor and is going to be starting Chemo here on Friday. Well he has asked his girlfriend to marry him and he is understandably very scared right now and they have him on antidepressants and some anxiety meds. They only recently moved in togeather and got an apartment on their own and she is also seven and a half months pregnant with a baby boy, so I guess in a way they are already married. But now he wants her to marry him very soon and I feel like he wants to marry her out of fear rather than love and not sure this is the proper way to go about things. He would also be handing over all of his life and death choices to a 22-year-old if things god forbid take a turn for the worst and I am worried it will overwhelm her or she will be indecisive and unable to chose out of fear. He has also been pushing my parents away very strongly since he found out about this and says it is because he is embarrassed and doesn't want people to see him like this. I just don't want him making a mistake and doing something because he is afraid but I also don't want to say anything that might cost me my relationship with my brother. My brother and I have always had a very strong relationship and I don't want to ruin it.

Justaverage is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 157 (permalink) Old 01-24-2017, 04:18 AM
jld
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 18,747
Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

Wow, that's hard. So sorry for your brother's cancer, OP.

As concerned as you are, the only thing you can really do is respectfully share those concerns with him and then just respect whatever decision he makes, however much you disagree with it. He is an adult, after all, even if a young one.

How about approaching his gf and offering to be of help in any way you can? I bet she would appreciate the support, especially with a baby on the way and the responsibility of caring for him, too.

Have your parents done anything to hurt him? If so, urge them to apologize. He and his gf and their baby could no doubt use their help, too.

Again, so sorry to hear he is going through this. Very best wishes for his restored health.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
jld is offline  
post #3 of 157 (permalink) Old 01-24-2017, 04:47 AM
Moderator
 
MattMatt's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: England
Posts: 18,651
Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Justaverage View Post
I don't know if this is the right place or not to seek advice for this issue but I am going to give it a try and hopefully you guys can help me out. My younger brother is 23 and has been dating his girlfriend for five years and I like the girl and she hasn't done anything wrong per say. But he was recently diagnosed with a brain tumor and is going to be starting Chemo here on Friday. Well he has asked his girlfriend to marry him and he is understandably very scared right now and they have him on antidepressants and some anxiety meds. They only recently moved in togeather and got an apartment on their own and she is also seven and a half months pregnant with a baby boy, so I guess in a way they are already married. But now he wants her to marry him very soon and I feel like he wants to marry her out of fear rather than love and not sure this is the proper way to go about things. He would also be handing over all of his life and death choices to a 22-year-old if things god forbid take a turn for the worst and I am worried it will overwhelm her or she will be indecisive and unable to chose out of fear. He has also been pushing my parents away very strongly since he found out about this and says it is because he is embarrassed and doesn't want people to see him like this. I just don't want him making a mistake and doing something because he is afraid but I also don't want to say anything that might cost me my relationship with my brother. My brother and I have always had a very strong relationship and I don't want to ruin it.
Yes. They are. Aren't they?

So, you'd rather their baby be born out of wedlock, not carry your brother's name?

Under the circumstances his wanting to marry his fiance is very understandable. And, arguably, the correct one in many respects.

What other course of action would you have him follow?

http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk
http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk...-cheaters.html (Be afraid UK cheaters! CheaterVille has come to the UK!
MattMatt is offline  
 
post #4 of 157 (permalink) Old 01-24-2017, 04:58 AM
Member
 
camerashy's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 199
Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

Oh, OP I am sending every positive vibe I can muster up to you and your family at this time.

I can definitely understand your concerns. In your brother and his gf getting married, it effectively makes his wife next of kin and (god forbid) anything happens, your brother's life could be in the hands of a 22 year old woman. Who may or may not be mature enough to handle making the decisions that might need to be made. (Now touch wood...)

I definitely get it.

That being said... I think that you should let them do it. If this is something that both your brother and his partner really, really want to do (whether out of fear or not)...then let them do it. If it would give your brother even the tiniest peace of mind or the fight he needs to kick cancer's ass...then just let them do it. If this woman is prepared to stick this out with him and care for him... then what is the worst that could happen? Your brother could have a bigger, more loving family unit beside him.

I just think that the positive in this situation outweighs the negative. Talk to them about it if that will ease your mind, but let them make this decision - and support them no matter the outcome.
camerashy is offline  
post #5 of 157 (permalink) Old 01-24-2017, 05:04 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 4,153
Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

Methinks, you don't particularly like "the girl" (btw, after the age of 18 females are women) and you are now creating problems where they don't probably don't exist and, most importantly, it does not seem as if you are offering solutions.... which IMO is the only valid way that you complain about other people's business.

Should your brother become long term incapacitated, have you figured out who will support him financially AND support him on a day to day basis. Will that be you in both cases? What do your parents think of the options that he has?

Your brother can get a "living will" which will determine when he wants the machines turned off. After that, I say keep your nose out of it.
NextTimeAround is online now  
post #6 of 157 (permalink) Old 01-24-2017, 07:50 AM
Member
 
Loveontherocks's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Dublin
Posts: 279
Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions....

Hi, I'm sorry to hear what you are going through.

I know this is going to seem harsh but you mentioned you think he's doing this out of fear rather than love, so he's been with the girl five years and is about to become a father and you don't think he has feelings for her, I'm sure that's not the case, he probably loves her more than you will ever know.

I think it's the right thing to do, she's the mother of his child, the person he shares his life with and the closest person to him whether you like it or not.

I wouldn't go on about the fact she's 23, a lot of people at that age can deal with any circumstances they are dealt with when they need to.

Try and be a bit more understanding of your brother and what he wants, if you go questioning his partners maturity to be responsible you will cause problems with your brother at the time he needs you most.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Loveontherocks is offline  
post #7 of 157 (permalink) Old 01-24-2017, 08:05 AM
Member
 
Rowan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Southeast
Posts: 2,596
Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

I find it really interesting that no one expresses fear that a 22 year old woman won't be able to care for, be responsible for, and make life-altering decisions for, an utterly helpless newborn infant. But when we talk about her potentially doing those same things for a grown man who can help her and guide her by expressing his own wishes, suddenly she's incompetent? Fascinating.

OP, maybe your brother's fiancee isn't up to the challenges ahead. That's more a product of her personality, though, than of her age. So, if your concern is that she's a flighty, none-too-bright, obviously immature, ditherer, with a history of flaking out, then your concerns might be valid. If so, you might wish to address those concerns with your brother. If, however, you concern is that somehow their ages make them incapable of dealing with adult situations, then I think you may just be mistaken. Despite our modern concept of near-perpetual childhood, where many aren't considered to be "really" functional adults until they're 30, for most of human history - and even legally today - a 23 year old man and his 22 year old fiancée have been more than capable of making adult decisions for some years already. Because they were, and are, adults.

My suggestion would be that you offer any help and support you can. Then close your mouth, open your mind and heart, and help your seriously ill brother celebrate a marriage that may (depending on his prognosis) be one of the few bright spots of his life for the foreseeable future as he battles his illness. And resist with all your might your own, and likely your parents', temptation to reduce your brother from his status as an independent adult to a child who needs minding and managing "for his own good". There will be very few surer ways to drive him away than by treating him as a child when he wishes to feel like a man.

You'll find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly upon our own point of view. - Obi Wan Kenobi

Last edited by Rowan; 01-24-2017 at 10:44 AM.
Rowan is offline  
post #8 of 157 (permalink) Old 01-24-2017, 08:07 AM
Member
 
jb02157's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 2,007
Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

I actually think your brother is doing the right thing, but you are certainly right to have concerns. If your relationship with your brother is strong, voicing those concerns to him will not kill your relationship. I agree that 22 is young, but since she's having a child with your brother, she should have a say in his life decisions. Having the child out of wedlock is not the answer.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
jb02157 is offline  
post #9 of 157 (permalink) Old 01-24-2017, 08:39 AM
Forum Supporter
 
blueinbr's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 5,982
Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

Quote:
Originally Posted by NextTimeAround View Post
Methinks, you don't particularly like "the girl" (btw, after the age of 18 females are women) and you are now creating problems where they don't probably don't exist and, most importantly, it does not seem as if you are offering solutions.... which IMO is the only valid way that you complain about other people's business.



Should your brother become long term incapacitated, have you figured out who will support him financially AND support him on a day to day basis. Will that be you in both cases? What do your parents think of the options that he has?



Your brother can get a "living will" which will determine when he wants the machines turned off. After that, I say keep your nose out of it.


Wow. The OP's brother has cancer and you want to make a political statement about girl vs woman?
blueinbr is offline  
post #10 of 157 (permalink) Old 01-24-2017, 09:34 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 4,153
Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

Quote:
Originally Posted by blueinbr View Post
Wow. The OP's brother has cancer and you want to make a political statement about girl vs woman?
yeah, I do. The OP has made an issue out of age herself. Calling an adult a girl or boy is a way to reinforce the accusation of incompetence.

Now, do you have anything else to add?

NextTimeAround is online now  
post #11 of 157 (permalink) Old 01-24-2017, 10:30 AM
Member
 
Thor's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 8,688
Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

One of my daughters is of the same age as your brother's girlfriend. My daughter is trustee of my estate, which makes her responsible for decisions regarding all kinds of financial issues regarding her siblings. She is also the one to make medical decisions for me. Additionally, she is part of the committee who would be empowered to have me declared incompetent.

I'm in my mid 50's and hope to live healthfully for another half century. But if I were to become incapacitated or to die today, I trust my daughter completely.

Your brother has the right to judge his girlfriend as qualified to make those decisions for him. He can, and should, write out some medical directives regarding all aspects of his medical care. What if he is temporarily unconscious, who can make decisions, and what are his general wishes? What about the case of severe permanent disabilities? What about a "Do Not Resuscitate" order? He really needs to discuss these issues with his doctor and his girlfriend. He should consult with a qualified attorney to be sure he executes documents which meet your local laws as well as are acceptable to local hospitals and docs. For example, in my state a regular Power of Attorney is not accepted by many medical facilities. I've signed a specific document which says I want medical facilities to accept it. Stupid that it has to be done, but that's how it works where I live.

Also, he should sign a medical records release. Under HIPAA his records won't be easy to access.

These are simple documents which he really needs to get done properly by a local atty. He should also explore issues of his will considering whatever his financial situation is.

I hope his medical treatments go smoothly and he has a quick complete recovery.
Thor is offline  
post #12 of 157 (permalink) Old 01-24-2017, 11:10 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Ohio
Posts: 1,414
Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

I think your brother is doing what he believes is right and you need to support his decision. It's not he just met this girl last month, five years together and in the process of having a child together I think she is the correct person to be making the decisions.

That is unless she has shown serious immaturity issues.
Cooper is online now  
post #13 of 157 (permalink) Old 01-24-2017, 11:44 AM
Member
 
Spicy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Planet Earth
Posts: 607
Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

I am sorry for the challenge ahead of your brother and family. I just wanted to share two things.

1.) I have a sweet friend that got diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor. He had recently starting dating a lovely girl, and they were crazy about each other. He proposed quickly, and they married quickly. They wanted as much time possible as husband and wife. They were in their early twenties, and amazingly he is still alive, nearing a decade later, and they are very, very happy. So there is a positive experience.

2.) I have quite a few medical problems and one is classed as terminal. I spent a tremendous amount of brain power on how I wanted my end of life decisions time period handled. I'm in my fourties, as is DH. Out of love for both him and my parents I have filled out an Advanced Medical Directive outlining what I want done. These can be gotten at any doctor or hospital and probably online. I included in the areas such as pulling the plug, that I wanted that decision to be made by my husband and parents together. Two heads are better than one, and then one doesn't have to ever question if they made the right decision down the road.

This is how I chose to handle it. I mention it only in case your family may be unfamiliar with a Advanced Medical Directive. It speaks for me when I can't. It lets my family know for sure that my wishes are being followed, and removes a lot of stress from them.

I hope his chemo is successful, and he lives a long happy wife with his wife and baby!

Ciao,

Spicy
Spicy is online now  
post #14 of 157 (permalink) Old 01-24-2017, 02:17 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 138
Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

Your brother has cancer and a baby on the way.

Do you honestly think that making a fuss over him getting married and her making life decisions is what he needs right now?

They have been together for 5 years. They have probably had the talk about what they want to happen if something like this happens.

Go buy them each a living will kit (because as a concerned aunt you want to make sure everything is in order in case of an accident) and leave it at that.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
xMadame is offline  
post #15 of 157 (permalink) Old 01-24-2017, 03:06 PM
Member
 
camerashy's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 199
Re: Brother wants to marry his girlfrend and let her make life and death decisions...

Quote:
Originally Posted by NextTimeAround View Post
yeah, I do. The OP has made an issue out of age herself. Calling an adult a girl or boy is a way to reinforce the accusation of incompetence.

Now, do you have anything else to add?
I think that in this situation anyone can understand the OP's fears. It is only natural that when we are faced with something as potentially life changing as this, that we want to seize as much control of the situation as we can. Overbearing big sisters included. Cancer is scary...its a big, ugly scary unknown.

I do agree with you @NextTimeAround (and I think many people will also) but I think that in this situation a little more sensitivity is warranted.
camerashy is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome